Messed Up

by Owens, Molly

  22

  Parked in Conner’s driveway, I sat unmoving behind the steering wheel. My eyes fixed on a crack in the cement walkway leading to his front door. Inside, my mind was like a TV experiencing technical difficulties—fuzzy nothingness. I had been rendered completely immobile by indecision about what to do next. Nothing in my life had prepared me to deal with my current list of troubles. I knew I should cancel the camping trip, I knew that I couldn’t tell Conner the truth, I knew that at any second one of Levi’s friends could pick up my trail again, and I knew I couldn’t let anything bad happen to Conner. It was this vacillation that ultimately led me to go camping despite myself.

  I barely noticed as Conner came out of his house, put his duffle bag in my trunk and climbed in my car. “Hey Chels,” he said reaching over to ruffle my hair playfully, “I hope you don’t mind. I told Milo and Becca that we would drive your car up there. My parents have all their gear in the Suburban.”

  I nodded, “Sure.”

  We picked up Milo and Becca and then headed north out of town. I was silent as the three of them talked, about what I’m not sure. I could tell Conner was troubled by my silence, because he kept glancing over at me. I knew he wouldn’t question me in front of the others though. My mind was racing. I had to figure out a plan to keep Conner from any danger.

  We’d driven for about an hour when I suddenly pulled off the road at a gas station. “I’ve got to go the bathroom,” I said, scampering out of the car, grabbing my backpack on the way. I found the dirty restroom around the back of the station. It smelled of urine and one glance at the floor explained why. I dug my phone out of my bag and flipped it open quickly, dialing Levi’s number. I was relieved when his voicemail picked up. It would be easier to lie to a machine.

  “Hi Levi,” I said, forcing my voice to sound light, “I wanted to give you the heads up that I’m going to be MIA for the next couple of days. I was going to go camping with some friends, but my sister is dragging me to some kind of music festival on a river somewhere. Wish me luck. Anyway, hope you’re doing okay,” and then I forced it out of my mouth, “I love you.”

  I was splashing water on my face when I heard Conner lightly tapping on the door, “You okay, Chels?” he asked, concerned.

  I walked out, nearly knocking him in the face with the door. I took his arms and wrapped them around me, nuzzling my head into his chest, “I’m okay,” I lied, “just a little carsick.”

  Conner took over the driving and I began to relax, although only slightly. Becca and Milo sat in the back kissing and giggling like a couple of escaped convicts whose rights to conjugal visits had been revoked while they were in the pen. I have to admit, that despite everything, including the fact that I was terrified for my own personal safety as well as Conner’s, I had enough left in me to feel slightly embarrassed by the PDA happening in the back seat. I wondered if Conner was feeling the same way. Prior to our intimate moment the other night, I’m sure Conner and I would have just laughed at Becca and Milo, but now it was like there outward gooiness was shinning the spotlight directly on our lack thereof.

  I have always considered my appreciation for nature to be a little subpar compared to my parents. They are the type of people who are crazy about anything that involves nature’s beauty. As a result my entire young childhood was spent traipsing around to all the natural wonders that our fine country has to offer. The whole time I was less than thrilled. My parents would stand at the top of a mountain peak, with this look of pure delight, and I would wonder if some part of my brain had been damaged inutero, thereby making it impossible for me to feel what they seemed to experience. This is probably why the idea of camping made very little sense to me. Wouldn’t a hotel be a better option? When we reached the campsite that late afternoon, I had my first real glimmer of what the world must look like through my parents’ eyes.

  The campsite was on a lake so pristine and still that it reflected with perfect accuracy the mountain range behind it. The sun had reached the part of the sky where its light becomes a warm glow, and that glow seemed to illuminate each leaf on every tree in a way that made them look like they were strategically placed in perfect order. The lake too had a warm glow about it. Everything was quiet aside from the sound of a red-winged black bird that called to us from across a babbling brook just to the left of our campsite. The whole place seemed so magical that it wouldn’t have surprised me at all to see a tiny fairy dancing about in the current of the brook. All of us, including the two smooching lovebirds, took in the ambiance in silence. Was this really so beautiful, I wondered, or had I reached an age where I had seen so much filth that I could finally appreciate it?

  Conner’s parents were the next to arrive, followed by his grandparents and then his sister Donnie with a couple of her friends. The tranquility of the lake was quickly transformed by the kinetic energy that seemed to follow the Bianchi family wherever they went. The males set up the campsite, while the females busied themselves with dinner preparations. As was tradition, I supposed, dinner was a major production. There were three separate types of proteins, all marinated in different sauces, two vegetable salads, two pasta dishes, and an enormous loaf of garlic bread. I might end up in a layer of dirt three inches thick, but at least I won’t go hungry doing it, I thought.

  That night, after Becca had stealthily moved into Milo’s tent, I lay on my sleeping bag, staring blankly at the Coleman ceiling. Long shadows flashed about outside the tent, as the trees and bushes swayed in the warm night breeze. The campsite slowly grew silent and dark as people turned off their lights and went to sleep. I could hear what I was sure was Conner’s grandmother’s snoring from at least fifty feet away. She sure has a set of lungs on her, I thought. I don’t know how much time passed as I laid there thinking about how I was going to handle the Levi situation.

  I eventually decided I should put on my sweats and try to go to sleep. Rolling over, I sat up and began to dig through my gigantic duffle bag. My hand passed over a large button on the pocket of my favorite jeans—the ones Levi had given me. I’d packed them just in case I needed to look semi-decent. I continued to search for my sweats when my entire body seized with a frightening realization. Julie! I had told Levi I was going to be with my sister. He knows how to get a hold of her. He’d called her about the freaking jeans! My heart began pounding loudly in my chest, my hands started to shake. Would he really call her to check on my story? After everything I had learned that , I was now certain that he would.

  I grabbed my cell phone, frantically dialing Julie’s number. Nothing happened. I looked down at my phone. No service! Crap! I grabbed my backpack and keys and stumbled out of my tent. I would have to drive until I got a signal. I had to get a hold of Jules before Levi did.

  I ran down the path to my car. It was dark and I tripped over a root in the path. I quickly picked myself up and continued on. I knew I should tell Conner where I was going, but I didn’t have time for explanations. I could see my car parked along the silent road. I began sprinting toward it, and then stopped dead in my tracks. Parked just behind my car was a navy blue SUV that I recognized immediately.

  23

  I felt a strong, cold hand grab the back of my neck. I could tell by the way his thumb drew a line down the side of my neck, from my ear to the base of my clavicle, that it was Levi.

  “Surprise,” he said in an icy whisper.

  “Levi,” I spun around, trying to replace my terrified face with one that looked delighted “What are you doing here?”

  He didn’t respond to my question but instead grabbed my arm so hard that it stung under his grip. He dragged me to his car quickly, forcing me to practically run to keep up with him. He opened the door and shoved me inside. Levi reached into the glove compartment, and for a split second I thought he was going to produce a gun, but instead he handed me a piece of paper and a pen.

  “Write your little girlfriend a note,” he instructed in a voice so harsh, I immediately followed his directions and wrote Co
nner’s name with my shaking hand, “Tell him you needed to go home and you’ll talk to him later.” I wrote what he had dictated, but my hand was trembling with such force that the letters looked like I’d just learned to print. Levi seized my face in his hand, squeezing my cheeks with an aggressive grip and forced me to look at him, “Stop shaking and write the fucking note,” he demanded fiercely, handing me a second sheet of paper.

  “Maybe if you’d stop yelling at me I wouldn’t be shaking like freaking lap dog,” I blurted out in frustration. Levi’s eyes glared at me and his face turned to stone. For a fraction of a second I thought Levi was going to lose it, but he turned away looking out at the dark night.

  I steadied my right hand with my left and wrote a second note:

  Conner,

  I need to go home to see Levi. Please apologize to your parents.

  I’ll talk to you when you get back to town. Hope you have fun.

  -Chelsea

  I hoped the note sounded believable. The worst thing that could happen would be for Conner to chase after me while Levi was in his current enraged state. I reasoned that maybe I could defuse the situation before Levi decided to do something terrible to Conner.

  Suddenly, I heard voices, my heart stopped. Please don’t let it be Conner, I prayed silently. Emerging from the trail leading from our campsite were three figures. As they approached I recognized them to be James, Noah, and Skateboard Boy. They approached Levi’s car. James was carrying my duffle bag, which he tossed in the backseat.

  Levi snatched the note from my hand, read it quickly then passed it to Skateboard Boy, “Put this on the Suburban,” he directed. He dug my keys from out my pocket and handed them to James, “Leave her car at her house.” Levi shut the door on me. I watched him talk to his little minions for a couple minutes before he got in the car.

  I could feel my anxiety begin to build as we drove in silence. I decided my best option would be to try to appeal to his humanity, “Listen Levi,” I said in the calmest voice I could rally, “I’m really sorry I lied to you. I didn’t mean to mess things up. I just didn’t want you to worry about Conner. Nothing is going on between us. I swear to God.”

  Levi didn’t look at me. His fierce stare was set on the dark road before us. He abruptly pulled to the side of the road and yelled furiously, “GET OUT!”

  I opened the door and swiftly stepped out, wondering if I would be able to find my way back to the campsite from where we were stopped. It couldn’t be more than a mile away I reasoned. But Levi had gotten out too and was all of a sudden inches from my face. He grabbed a large handful of my hair and violently pulled my head back. I could hear myself scream out in pain as I grabbed at his arm, which felt like an iron bar in my weak hands.

  “Nobody disrespects me like that!” he yelled in my face. I could see his jaw muscles tighten as his face turned red with anger. Any trace of the face I’d found so unbelievably attractive was gone. He looked like a monster to me now.

  “Levi, please,” I pleaded, “You’re hurting me.” I pulled weakly at his arm but his grip just tightened. I could feel my scalp pounding in pain.

  “You made me look like a fucking idiot, chasing you up here to butt fucking nowhere,” he yanked my hair sideways suddenly sending the side of my skull bouncing off the edge of his car. A stinging pain radiated through my head as warm blood began to drip down my cheek.

  “I’m sorry,” I cried, tears streaming down my cheeks, mixing with the blood, “I’m so, so sorry. Please forgive me,” I heard myself saying, my chest heaving between sobs, “I love you.” Those were the words that finally seemed to register in his anger. Levi released my hair. My hand flew up to my head. It was tender to the touch. My hand felt cold against my throbbing scalp. I cast my eyes downward.

  “Look at me,” he commanded, his voice more controlled but still venomous. I forced my eyes to meet his, “Don’t you ever lie to me again.” Then he pulled his arm back and swung at me. The back of his hand made contact with the side of my face with such force that my entire body was sent flying, crashing to the ground. The back of my head bounced off the hard dirt road, and everything faded to black.

  I could feel my body being pulled into the car, but I kept my eyes tightly shut. I didn’t want to look at him. He must have known I’d come to consciousness though, because he tossed his t-shirt at me and told me to wipe my face; that he didn’t want blood on his car. I did as I was instructed, delicately dabbing the gash on my head and another that had appeared when my lip was split by the back of Levi’s hand.

  Levi switched on some horrendously loud music that I’m sure he knew I’d hate. It blasted in my head, shaking my already pounding brain. I stared out the window vacantly, feeling a complete and all consuming hopelessness like I’d never experienced before.

  Slowly, I could hear Levi’s breathing begin to lighten, “Take this” he eventually said handing me a small white pill, “It will help with the headache.” His voice didn’t sound angry anymore, but it wasn’t the one that had been so precious to me just a day before.

  I took the pill from his hand, not sure if I actually had an option at this point. He handed me a bottle of water and I swallowed it. Levi switched the CD player to the piano music he’d played for me the first time I’d been in his car, on the drive home from the concert. The music was resoundingly less optimistic than it had been when I’d heard it before.

  I began to feel my head go numb as the pain drifted away. The sides of my vision began to close in, until everything looked fuzzy. It occurred to me that the little white pill could have been anything, even poison. Was I dying? I wondered as my vision began to spin. I felt so relaxed, that I didn’t care if death was coming for me. It seemed that at least it wouldn’t hurt. Maybe it would even be a relief.

  “So you have two choices,” Levi said softly, “We go back to Santa Juanita and everything returns to how it was, except you tell Conner that you can’t see him ever again,” he paused and then added, “and I will hold you to that,” he brushed my head gash lightly with his finger for emphasis. “Choice two. You do whatever you want and I deal with Conner myself.”

  “What exactly does that entail?” I asked, although I had a pretty good idea. My head felt so heavy I rested it against the cold window, but forced my eyes to stay open.

  “I’ll be creative, but you remember how I taught Toby his lesson,” he smiled wickedly. I nodded because that was all my body could manage. Every inch of me now felt heavy with a warm fizzy sensation.

  “Option one,” I mumbled, allowing my eyes to finally close.

  “By the way” I heard Levi say, but he sounded so far away, like he was standing at one end of a very long tunnel, with me clear at the other end, “You can quit your little Nancy Drew routine, Toby’s never coming back,” and then his voice changed, “It’s good to know he has such nice friends, though,” he said in the voice of Raymond Higgins.

  PART TWO

  24

  You know how there is that moment when you first wake up when you are somewhere between sleep and full consciousness? Kind of like you’re in a dream but only slightly? Well, it’s during those brief intermissions from life, that I have often mistaken my dream world for reality. When I woke up the next morning, I had that experience, and for a tiny sliver of time I thought maybe it had all been a nightmare. I could feel the comfortable softness of my mattress underneath my body, my favorite silky pillowcase under my head. I knew I was at home. Then I felt something unfamiliar, a cold sensation on my face. I slowly opened my eyes to see Levi gazing down at me with his sweet smile. He was holding a bag of frozen peas gently to my face.

  “Hey Punky,” he said softly, carefully stroking my hair, “How do you feel?”

  I made a sound somewhere between a grunt and a moan, slowly becoming aware of the fact that I felt like complete shit. My skull was pounding and the spot where my head had hit the car stung. I reached up to touch it and found that it had been bandaged. I like patching you up, I remembere
d him saying. Levi picked up a glass of water and pressed it to my lips. I sipped slowly; a flash of pain was a reminder that my lip had been split open. I could taste the blood when I swallowed.

  I started to get up and Levi immediately helped me to my feet, spotting me carefully as I walked to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and as I turned toward the toilet, my image flashed in the mirror. I stood motionless, staring at my reflection in stunned disbelief. The entire left side of my face was swollen and red, except for a perfect half-moon under my eye, which was bluish-black. My bottom lip was fat with a red gash that looked like a slice had been taken out of a cherry pie. On the side of my forehead was a bandage the size and shape of a playing card. I slowly removed it to reveal a gapping cut, where it looked like my skin had cracked open.

  I leaned against the counter for support as my vision began to spin; the events of the previous night appearing before me in a series of snapshot images. I felt a flood of emotions hit me like a wave smashing my body against the sand. I began to quiver as the tears erupted from my eyes. I crumbled to the floor, curling my body into the fetal position, and willing my life to stop, for it to all just go away. Why couldn’t this be one long nightmare? Why couldn’t I wake up?

  Levi must have heard me crying because he came into the bathroom, and effortlessly picked me up in his arms. He carried me back to my bed, climbing in next to me and holding my limp body in his arms. How twisted is this? I am actually feeling comforted by the person who did this to me. The realization brought on another wave of miserable tears.

  “I’m so sorry I had to do this to you,” I heard Levi whisper, his breath on my ear, “I love you so much, Chelsea. You don’t know how hard it is for me to see you in pain.” I can’t listen to this insanity, I thought, forcing myself to ignore him.