Next To You

by Sandra Antonelli

  ‘I’m not going anywhere.’ Will laid his palm against her cheek. ‘I have to get ready for work.’

  Her pinched expression faded a little. ‘You’re going to Dallas today, aren’t you?’

  Will rolled his eyes and pulled his hand away. ‘Oh, shit. I completely forgot. I haven’t packed, I have an eight-thirty building site meeting, and a noon lunch appointment before I head to the airport at three.’

  ‘When will you be back?’

  ‘Monday evening. Will you miss me?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You have my pajamas to keep you company.’

  She smiled weakly. ‘They’d be nicer if you were in them.’

  He pushed her Veronica Lake hair out of her face. ‘Caroline, I got a little carried away this morning. I was playing house too. I’m not really going anywhere, and I meant what I said about being here however you want me. So why don’t we keep on playing house together and you help me pack like a good little fifties TV wife.’

  Chapter 17

  Caroline ruminated on several things William had said as she continued to play house, finishing the laundry she’d started. They’d misinterpreted or misunderstood significant chunks about each other. He’d believed Alex had been a stalking, abusive husband who wanted her back. She thought William had carried a brilliantly glowing torch for his ex-wife.

  And they’d both been so wrong.

  Later, after she’d crossed the landing to her own apartment, Caroline dressed for work and took Drew’s mood ring from the crystal holder on her dresser. She warmed it with her fingertip until the black ‘stone’ began to change to a Caribbean green-blue with a dark violet edge.

  In those colors she saw the dimples in Drew’s cheeks, the dark auburn hair swept back from his temples, the sprinkling of freckles across the bridge of his nose, the blue of his eyes. William said he understood why she ended Drew’s life. He’d admitted he thought it was an act of compassionate love, and she found that remarkable, but she wondered if she would have been as sympathetic and open-minded if he’d given Yvonne a lethal dose of a narcotic.

  Extraordinary, he said. She wanted that with William too, although admitting it was difficult. Believing she could actually want better-than-average was unnerving, but why was it so important to be a Jane Doe nobody? She wasn’t interested in perfection, but who said extraordinary was perfect? Why was she fighting so hard to have an ordinary life? Extraordinary was singular, singular was different and different wasn’t bad. So why was she afraid of different? Everybody was different. Different was the same as everyone else. Different was absolutely average and normal.

  There was something else William had mentioned, and it made a kind of sense. Perhaps there was a way for her to compensate for something so seemingly inexcusable. Maybe it would be enough, maybe it was what Alex needed to hear, and maybe there was something else she could do too.

  Caroline crossed the room, tucking in her pale pink blouse, zipping up the side of her black Chanel skirt. She went out to the living room, Batman trotting behind.

  It took her twenty minutes to fill three small moving boxes with things that had belonged to Drew. When she’d finished, she called Jonesing, the baking and catering business Drew once ran with his brother, and asked for Alex. He was out making deliveries.

  ***

  Hands at his back, Will stood on a CollinsBuilt construction site, wearing his pith helmet, hard hat, and sunglasses. While it seemed likely an incident would to lead to a sizable compensation claim, his mind was elsewhere; he only half-listened as the on-site safety officer explained how one of his crew had broken his leg.

  All morning, his mind floated elsewhere. Back at the office, Bernadine poked her head through the door, twice, to let him know the woman from Cox, Reynolds, & Associates was waiting for him in the conference room. He’d sat in that meeting staring at his signet ring, swimming through the last three days, wading through the events of this morning.

  By the afternoon, Will made it as far as the executive lounge at Midway Airport and turned around, knowing how wrong he’d done everything.

  His previous trip away, the one to India, had been planned months in advance, yet it had been ill timed and interfered in reaching a clear-cut understanding with Caroline. He’d let the same thing happen again this morning. He didn’t want to give her an opportunity to mull things over too much. Dallas could wait.

  The rest of his life could not.

  He rode a crowded elevator down to the ground level, his suit bag over his shoulder, and hailed a taxi to take him home.

  So what if she was scared. So what if she had an irrational fear and didn’t want to marry him? He was going to walk into her apartment and kiss her—like he should have before he left for Mumbai, like he should have this morning when Quincy picked him up. He was going to walk in, just like Ward Cleaver and Darrin Stevens and say, ‘Honey, I’m home.’

  ***

  The Jonesing delivery van was parked in front of a large evergreen on the other side of the road from the Wellington Diner. Caroline crossed the street and looked through the café’s picture window. Alex was inside at the counter, a stack of green bakery boxes to his left. He laughed when Ray the barista said something, and took two boxes away.

  Black and white checkered chef’s pants, white tunic shirt, Alex was dressed the same way he’d been last time she’d seen him at the diner, that day he’d shoved her against the counter.

  She watched him through the window, and thought, this is where this ends. She pushed through the paned glass door, the little bell tinkled above.

  ‘Hello, Alex,’ she said, taking a stool beside his.

  Alex set his coffee mug down next to a pastry box, looking at her. ‘Hi, Caroline.’

  She nodded. ‘You were right. We do need to talk. We need to finish this and … there are some things that belonged to Drew. I think he would have wanted you to have them.’

  A few minutes later they were in her living room with fresh cups of coffee. Batman, closed in the bedroom, barked intermittently, just to let Alex know whose house this was.

  Alex sat on the couch, where William usually did, one arm tossed casually over the back. There’d been a brief, awkward silence when they got to the house. Neither one of them quite knew where to start. Then he opened the box of cinnamon twists he’d brought and started telling her how prune Danish were suddenly all the rage.

  He said, ‘Jonesing can barely make enough to keep up with the demand.’

  She took a pastry. ‘Your hair looks better short, and now you don’t have to worry about long hairs straying into prune and cinnamon twists.’

  ‘My hair never got into the pastries.’

  She had a bite of pastry, but then dropped it back in the box.

  ‘What, did you find a hair?’ he said.

  She chuckled lightly. ‘No. I’m just not hungry.’ The truth of it was she didn’t know how to begin to say what she wanted to, so she just let it tumble out over the top of her coffee cup. ‘Alex, I know I hurt you and I’ve done a few things recently that might not be very … kind. I haven’t been very willing to—’

  ‘I’ve wanted to tell you,’ Alex cut in. ‘I’ve been seeing someone. I’ve been getting some help from this psychologist. He’s good. It’s good. I understand a few things now. I’ve been obsessed, compulsive. Angry. Irrationally angry.’ He put his cup on the end table.

  ‘You have a right to be angry.’

  Caroline put her coffee on the coffee table and watched Alex climb to his feet to stare at her. Then he began turning in a circle. ‘Oh, Jesus, Caroline …’ Alex clawed at his hair. ‘Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus …’

  She grabbed his hand. ‘Don’t, Alex. Don’t do that. I’ve had to learn to live with myself, and the decisions I made. I had to choose. I did what I thought was going to be best for Drew. I did what he asked me to, what you refused to believe he asked me to. I’m responsible. Maybe this will help you. Maybe it won’t do a damn thing. I don’t know, but I�
�m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t the person you thought I was. I’m sorry I caused you such grief. I’m sorry I killed your brother. I’m sorry Alex, truly, deeply sorry.’

  With an anguished cry, Alex sagged to the couch beside her, still clawing at his short, red hair. ‘Oh, my God, what we put you through on top of everything else. You loved him more than any of us did. You loved him. That’s why you wanted to help him die. I know that. That’s why you wanted to help him. I’m so sorry Caroline. I know it doesn’t do much to hear that now, but I am so, so very sorry.’

  Caroline blinked and half laughed in astonishment. ‘Why are you apologizing for what I did?’

  Dropping his hands, Alex glanced up at her, sobbing. ‘You wouldn’t see me. I pretended I hated you. I told myself I was glad you were in the nuthouse, and all this time I’ve been trying to find a way through this, trying to get back to us. We had each other for a while. We could have come through it together. I could have held on to understanding how much you loved him, but I went wild. I’ve nearly burned up in my self-loathing cowardice and I wanted to take you with me.’ He dropped his forehead against the front of her shoulder. ‘I tried to make it easy. I thought it would work, but it’s destroyed us. I need you to forgive me for that, Caroline. I need you to forgive me for putting you in that position.’

  Crying. She was crying, and that was a surprise. So was what she did next. Tears dribbling, nose running, Caroline soothed him. Her fingers smoothed over his hair and she soothed him because as hateful as things became, she had never lost sight of his humanity. That was why he was here now. That’s what it was she felt for him. His humanity. He was human.

  So was she.

  ‘It’s over now, Alex. It can finally finish and we can get on with life like Drew wanted us to.’

  His head snapped up. Alex reached up and touched the wetness, locking his eyes on hers. ‘Forgive me.’

  She whispered, ‘We have to forgive each other.’

  Reaching out, Alex wiped away the teardrops on her face and embraced her.

  They held each other, and Caroline continued to stroke his hair until his wracking sobs petered out. After a few quite moments, Alex lifted his head. He touched her face again and kissed her cheek. Caroline offered him a melancholy smile

  And all at once they were kissing, clutching at each other, falling back onto the striped couch.

  ‘We weren’t wrong before,’ Alex murmured against her lips as they sank into the cushions. ‘We happened for a reason. We had to go through that hell to get to here.’

  If he hadn’t said a word, Caroline would have remained slipped within the envelope of the bizarre moment, but his voice wasn’t right. It wasn’t deep enough. It wasn’t soft enough. It wasn’t William’s. And she wanted it to be. What a time for the confusion, for the forty-feelings-at-once to be over, but with Alex pressing himself to her, she knew.

  She knew she loved William Murphy.

  Ashamed, sickened, she wrenched away. ‘Stop, Alex, stop. Oh, God, please stop!’

  ‘I don’t want to. Not yet.’ He began to unbutton her blouse. ‘I haven’t been with anyone. There’s been no one else. Just you, only you.’

  Caroline slapped his hands. ‘Stop it and get off me! Go home. Take the boxes in the dining room and go home.’

  ‘You feel so good. I forgot how good you felt.’ His fingers trailed a pathway over her breasts, circling over the cups of her bra. ‘I want to feel all of you again.’

  ‘Stop!’

  ‘Caroline …’ He grimaced and squeezed his eyes shut. ‘What the fuck am I doing?’ He opened his eyes, slipped off her, and got to his feet. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Look, I’m here sincerely. I’m tying to make a moral inventory. I’m trying to make amends for what I’ve done.’

  ‘Amends. You’re a immoral, insincere bastard who just wants to get laid!’ Frightened, livid, she rose and smacked him hard.

  ‘I deserve that,’ Alex said rubbing his stinging cheek.

  Caroline dragged her palms down her face. ‘How dense am I? It’s the same thing you did before. I love you, Caroline. I’ll take care of you and the baby, Caroline. I want you to marry me, Caroline. You’ve never been able to admit you were glad I killed Alex because it cleared the way for you, didn’t it? That’s what you’re sorry for. It made it all okay for you to be caring and sympathetic and fuck your brother’s wife.’

  ‘I only wanted you to be my wife. My wife. You should have been my wife, not his! And I saw a way.’

  ‘What way was that?’

  Alex began to claw at his hair again. He moaned, took a breath, and let it out with a shudder. ‘I heard him,’ he said, going very still. ‘I heard him say please. I knew what he wanted. So I did it. And let you take the blame because I knew they’d never send you to jail. I just didn’t think you’d wind up in a mental institution.’

  Alex thought she looked like she was about to make some kind of smart-assed crack, but then her face went blank, her mouth opened, and she said, ‘What?’

  He swallowed. ‘I heard him. And then the baby died. The doctor said you had severe postpartum depression. You know some women have delusions, auditory hallucinations, and sleep issues with that depression. Some have psychosis with that depression. You were prescribed sleeping tablets, but you only took those pills three times. You were manic, dazed, awake all the time. No one could look after Drew but you. You heard him say please, and I told you you’d imagined that, I said it was a hallucination, but I heard him. I heard him before you did.’ Alex pulled at his hair and a clump of it came out between his fingers as he whispered, ‘So I did what Drew wanted and let you think that you had because, depressed or manic, you didn’t know the difference. Nobody did.’

  Caroline’s knees buckled. Her palms slapped on the top of the end table, where he’d set his coffee cup. She panted liked she’d just finished a marathon. ‘You gaslighted me?’

  ‘I what?’

  She yelled, ‘You fucking gaslighted me?’

  ‘What the hell does that mean?’

  ‘Gaslight, It’s that movie with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. He convinces her she’s going mad by telling her she did or didn’t do something. I didn’t try to kill myself, did I? I didn’t give Drew my sleeping … you, did. You di—’

  ‘Jesus Christ, Caroline, you and your goddamn movies. This is real life. This was our life, not a fucking movie! I love you, I did it for us I did it so we could be together! Don’t you see?’

  ‘Get out!’ she screamed. ‘Get out! Get the fuck out!’ She flew at him, shrieking, shrieking, shrieking.

  The dog barked and clawed at the bedroom door, his scratching like a zigzag stitch on an old sewing machine, and Alex pounced, clamping a hand over her mouth, twisting her, driving her facedown onto the sofa cushions as he pitched himself on top of her. ‘Stop! Stop! Stop screaming, please!’

  Furious, but no match for his size or weight forcing her down, Caroline struggled beneath him. Legs kicking, she struck back at his head, her elbow gouged into his side. Squirming, she tried to bite into the hand he’d fastened over her mouth.

  He ground it a little harder against her lips and ground her into the cushions. ‘Stop screaming, Caroline, stop! Please stop!’ he whispered.

  Batman barked, tearing at the door. The couch muffled all the noise Caroline made. As she strained against his weight bearing down, Alex closed his eyes to gather his charging thoughts. He composed himself. Breathing evenly, he relaxed, resting his weight upon her back. Her ferocious struggle increased, she kicked and flailed, but after a brief time her fighting slowed, and she began to relax as well.

  ‘Caroline,’ Alex exhaled. ‘I meant everything I said, every word. I’m sorry for it all. I’m sorry I let it go on for so long. I loved you then and I love you now.’ His head dropped next to her ear. ‘I told you I heard him, Caroline. I heard him. I knew what he wanted and I knew there was a way. I’m sorry that I wasn’t man enough to say I did it, but your illness was the best way out
for all of us. I know it backfired. It backfired so badly. You weren’t supposed to go to away. I never thought you wouldn’t want to see me, that you’d ban me. Then I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to blame you for what I did, but I love you. Believe me Caroline, this is not about sex, it’s not about wanting to fuck you, or fuck you over. It’s about wanting to be with you. I want you in my life, right out in the open where everyone can see us. I know I have a lot to make up for and I have no right to expect anything from you, but I’m open to anything you want from me, even if you just want to be friends again. We were such good friends and I miss that. I know you’ve got something going on with that guy, Will. Maybe you think you love him and what I’m saying is scary. I think so too, but I believe you still feel something for me, don’t you?’

  Caroline was silent.

  Alex guessed she was crying again, like he was.

  He shifted his weight and sat beside her, pulling his hand from her mouth, rolling her over. He looked into her pretty hazel eyes. ‘Even all those years ago when my brother and I were living with you, you loved me then too, didn’t you? You loved us both. You just chose Drew because he was a better man than you knew I’d be. But you do love me, don’t you, Caroline?’

  ***

  Will pulled his mail from the brass postbox in the foyer and opened the internal staircase door. The sound of Batman’s muffled, excited warfing upstairs made him smile. Will liked to think the dog was trying to alert Caroline of his return.