Joe Fury and the Hard Death

by Paul Anthony Long

  ‘Doesn’t look good,’ she says, propping herself against the glass and snapping the chamber back in the Uzi. ‘Could be the final stand.’

  ‘Don’t give up ’til it’s worth it,’ I tell her. ‘There’s always a way out of these things.’

  The crowd surges around the diner, nuns first, and soon they’ve got the place surrounded. But they don’t try to break in. Something’s wrong. Or maybe right.

  ‘Bloody hell!’ The cook comes out, sparking another cigarette. ‘I knew this would happen one day.’ He gestures at me. ‘Are you that Joe Fury the people keep talking about?’

  ‘Yeah. What people?’

  ‘Everyone. You’re more famous than Death. And he’s always bloody here.’

  I nod to the crowd. ‘Any idea what’s going on around here?’

  ‘Well, it looks to me as though the masses are revolting,’ says the cook, and then refrains from the obvious joke.

  ‘I think I know where we are,’ says Sue, nodding at the bullet holes stitched into the walls and the table tops. ‘I think this is where we started out.’

  ‘That’s right,’ says the cook. ‘It appears you’ve come full circle.’

  ‘I would like to say that’s impossible, but right now everything seems to be.’ I stare back at the crowd.

  ‘Well, not exactly full circle,’ says the waitress. ‘More like we’ve come to you. Or something like that. I know it’s got something to do with reality shifts which don’t actually exist.’

  Suddenly the front door heaves, twitches and explodes inwards. The crowd outside take a step forward and then pause, straining against some invisible shield.

  And that’s when Preston and the Mother Superior step into the diner.

  ‘Wanna negotiate?’ says Preston with a smile.

  ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR

  ‘Let’s take a seat,’ I suggest, and we do. ‘And if you give me any crap about alternate realities or quantum mechanics, I’ll put a bullet in your head and take the consequences.’

  ‘Say it ain’t so, Joe,’ Preston mocks. ‘I’m not here to talk about theories or non-theories, Joe. I’m just here to talk.’

  ‘Fire away.’

  ‘You have a commodity which I would very much like to have.’

  ‘I thought you wanted me to take down Kieran,’ I say. ‘Bring him in so you can sort him out.’

  ‘The rules have changed slightly,’ says Preston. ‘Things are different. I didn’t realise the monk gave you such a prize.’

  ‘Why do you want the watch?’

  ‘To negotiate with Kieran.’ Preston sits back. ‘Face it, Joe. You don’t need it. You don’t want it. It’ll bring you nothing but pain and misery and problems.’

  ‘What are you going to negotiate with Kieran about?’ I light up a cigar.

  ‘Delegation of duty,’ says Preston, and there’s a spark of anger in his eyes. ‘Delegation of power. Life is all about sharing.’

  ‘And you want some of what he’s got?’ I nod to Sue. ‘What about the girl?’

  ‘That’s out of my jurisdiction.’ Preston shakes his head. ‘You’ll have to talk with the Mother Superior.’

  ‘Okay, penguin, what’s the deal?’

  Mother Superior coughs against the smoke and tries to smile. It’s nice to see she’s back to her normal size.

  ‘Just return her to us—’

  ‘No deal.’ I pull out the gun and the pulsating crowd outside take a small step forward. ‘What’s to stop me plugging you right here and negotiating my way out with Preston.’

  Her eyes glow red and angry. ‘Only a thousand nuns, Mr Fury. Imagine that. Hunted down for the rest of your life by the power of the wimple. We are legion, Mr Fury.’

  ‘You look like a zoo animal,’ I tell her, and turn back to Preston. ‘No negotiation until Sue gets a cut of the free life.’

  ‘Forget the girl for the moment, Joe.’ Preston’s still trying to placate, but the anger’s there and it’s rising. He could probably do without the penguin throwing her wimple into the fire. ‘Concentrate on the watch.’

  ‘I don’t believe a word of what you’re saying. You’ve got a thousand forces out there gunning for my blood, and they could sweep in here and choke the watch out of us in a moment, but they’re not. Something’s keeping them back. And I think it’s the watch.’

  ‘And I intend to keep it out of the wrong hands and in the right ones,’ says Preston.

  ‘Okay, I gotta think about this.’ I lean back in the seat. ‘You got any whisky?’ I shout to the waitress.

  ‘Yeah, thanks!’ she shouts back.

  ‘Can you bring us out a few shots?’

  She does, and we drink. As the liquid goes down, I pull out the stop watch and hold it up. Lust fills the eyes of Preston and the penguin. I hover my finger over the stop mechanism.

  ‘What’s to stop me pushing this right here and going back to my old friend Chicago?’

  Preston looks down at me, and I suddenly realise he has the advantage. ‘Because it doesn’t work for you anymore. You’ve used your one and only go—’

  ‘Cut the crap, Preston.’ I take another slug of the good stuff. ‘If that was the case you’d take me down now and run off with this baby.’

  Preston’s eyes go sour. He’s been caught out.

  I lean forward. ‘Okay, the both of you. Shall we start again from the beginning? And this time I want the truth.’

  That’s when the cook turns up with a shotgun.

  ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE

  ‘I’m afraid I haven’t been entirely honest with you, Mr Fury,’ says the cook, cocking the shotgun. ‘And I don’t think you’re entirely aware of what this place actually is.’

  ‘You failed the health inspection?’ I ask.

  ‘Not exactly.’ The cook nods to Preston. ‘This boy here has been played for a sucker all along, and I don’t think he even knows it. Mr Preston, you’ve never been out of Kieran’s reach. I’m afraid he’s been jerking your strings.’

  ‘That’s bullshit!’ shrieks Preston, slamming a fist on the table. ‘I’m in control of my life.’

  ‘Really?’ The cook couldn’t have said it more sardonically. ‘You—the nuns—the girl—all here at the same time. Too much of a coincidence, don’t you think? Except Kieran made one fatal mistake. Choosing this place for the meet.’

  ‘What’s wrong with it?’ says Preston.

  ‘Well, for the last few thousand realities Kieran’s been under the impression he’s responsible for its existence,’ says the cook. ‘Unfortunately my old friend Chicago owns it. Which is one of the reasons those little spud balls out there can’t get in. It’s only testament to the strength of you and the Mother Superior that you managed to slip through the shield keeping the grockels out.’

  Preston slams a fist on the table again. ‘I knew it!’ He turns to the cook. ‘But that doesn’t matter. They’ll never get out. They’re surrounded. They’ll soon starve and that will be that, and then the watch will be mine.’

  The cook smiles. ‘Unfortunately for you it’s been my duty to keep you talking until the cavalry arrives. Cheerio.’

  The toilet doors blow off their hinges and the wall explodes as a giant, beefed up monster truck comes tearing through, ripping through the diner, taking out everything.

  Chicago leans out of the driver’s window. ‘Need a lift?’

  ONE HUNDRED AND SIX

  We haul ourselves into the back, Chicago guns the engine and the truck screams off out of the diner, crashing through the other wall.

  Behind us I see Preston and the Mother Superior get up and start running, but Chicago’s put extra gas in this thing and he’s maxed it out with everything he can.

  ‘So long, losers!’ he shouts out the window, tearing through the crowd surrounding the diner. Some of them scatter and some of them try to fight, and the popgun and the Uzi come out and we start nailing the bad guys. Most of them get the hint, forget about safety in numbers and scramble off out of the way and into
the wilds.

  The truck bounces over Molesto the King of the Sheep, taking his head off, and it’s plain sailing all the way down the road. We make it quick and fast, and anyone who wants a piece of us is left crying in the ditch as we race out of their range.

  Kieran’s compound looms up before us. Chicago cuts the engine and we idle slowly towards the main gate.

  ‘This is as far as I can take you, Joe,’ says Chicago. ‘Even I can’t get you past this barrier. It’s hard enough keeping corporeal outside of Hell. I’m about to fade as it is.’ He nods to the compound. ‘We’d be in there like a shot if we could, but the building has a wall beneath, to the side and above to the people of Hell. Kieran’s a tough customer, so watch out.’

  We get out of the truck and scan the place. Gates are shut tight. ‘No problem with that, Chicago.’ I turn to him. ‘See you on the flip side.’

  Chicago nods and the ground opens up and swallows the truck.

  The compound has a wall a hundred feet high, curving outwards and completely impossible to climb.

  I spot the storm drain with the green tag on it that will lead us inside pretty easy. I take out the fork that Ginger gave me when he was repairing the spaceship, and jam it into the main lock on the compound’s gates. Somewhere deep inside the fortress sirens wail. I have no idea how this will help, but Ginger’s never let me down before.

  The grid over the storm drain is locked solid and three inches thick, but I take the key that the joker from the vortex under the vampire’s castle gave me and it fits like a glove. The grid opens with a clang and we start walking.

  It’s dark and wet, but it’s a change from the dusty desert. I expect a longer walk, but fifteen minutes later we see the light seeping through a sewer grating.

  ‘Act natural,’ I say, and push the grating up.

  The inside of the compound looks like a dusty city street. Buildings of all shapes, sizes and colours stretch off into the distance. If there’s one thing I can say, it’s that this place looks big. Too big.

  And it’s deserted.

  ‘Bring back any memories?’ I ask Sue as she crawls out of the drain. She looks around and shakes her head.

  ‘It’s different.’ She shields her eyes for a better perspective. ‘And there’s no one around.’

  A second later a steel cage clangs down around us and the hordes come out of the shadows.

  ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN

  They drag us into a building in the middle of the compound. It’s a post-modern mess—all bare boards and white walls.

  The door opens and a man walks in. Tall, curly hair, glasses. He walks up to the cage and snorts. ‘Good morning, Joe,’ he says. ‘Nice of you to break into my compound.’

  ‘The pleasure’s all mine,’ I snarl, and the Poindexter laughs.

  ‘You’re a hard man,’ says the geek, but his tone’s serious and I know he means it. ‘You are probably wondering who I am.’

  ‘I know who you are, Kieran. Are you suffering from short term memory loss or something?’ I leave the popgun and spark up a Havana. ‘When are you gonna move us out of this cage?’

  ‘All in good time,’ mutters Kieran. ‘Morning, Sue.’

  Sue says nothing. She just looks at him. If the cage opens, Kieran’s in danger of getting his balls chewed off.

  ‘I’ve got a question, Kieran. Why all the fuss?’

  ‘Fuss?’

  ‘Why all the obstacles to stop us reaching you?’ I puff smoke and cross my arms, fingers touching the butt of the gun. No point firing until we’re out of this mess.

  ‘They’re tests,’ says Kieran. ‘I have to see if you’re made of the right metal. If you want to join my army you need the right stuff.’

  ‘I don’t join anything unless they pay me.’ I shift towards the door of the cage. Looks solid. ‘Why don’t you let us out and we’ll take you to Preston and call it quits? After all, I’ve still got a case to close.’

  Kieran clicks his fingers and the door of the cage opens and swings wide. ‘Whatever you wish.’

  I slip out the gun and pop off a shot, but Kieran holds out his hand and the cannon flies straight to him. The bullet slams into the wall behind him.

  ‘Nice weapon.’ Kieran throws the gun down.

  ‘Let’s make it one on one,’ I say. ‘You and me. If you win you can do what you want. If I win you’re coming with me.’

  Kieran looks at me and adjusts his glasses. ‘The deal’s on.’

  Then he grabs his face and yanks it down, tearing the flesh off himself, pulling the skin down to reveal a man much bigger, much stronger. He’s dressed in khaki pants and a green shirt, dog tags hanging from his neck, crew cut, eyes like diamonds, glaring daggers, hatred and pure anger straight at me.

  ‘Whatever you want, Joe.’ There’s a sneer in his voice that I don’t like the sound of.

  I step out of the cage. He’s big and ugly, but it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.

  ‘You’re on a downward spiral, Joe,’ snarls Kieran. ‘I am invincible.’

  ‘So was the Roman empire.’ And I swing for him, but he’s not there any more. He’s across the room, laughing.

  ‘First you have to hit me.’ Kieran strides forwards, getting close, and I square up. ‘Why fight when we can talk?’ he says.

  ‘There’s only so much room for jawing.’ I swing for him again and he steps back and I’m hitting nothing but air.

  ‘Why the anger, Joe?’ Kieran starts to walk round me. ‘All I want to do is talk.’

  ‘Don’t listen to him, Joe,’ shouts Sue.

  ‘We can just sit.’ Kieran stops moving and there’s no more hate in his eyes. ‘Just sit and talk.’

  ‘As long as there’s whisky.’

  ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT

  We’re sitting in a living room, surrounded by art. The walls are caked with living legends. Sculptures fill every space that isn’t taken up by the Arabian rug. It’s like some sort of decadent fantasy.

  ‘The case is off, Fury,’ says Kieran, walking over to the drinks. ‘Preston doesn’t want me. He was under my influence all the while, but he didn’t know it. I control him. Therefore, you’ve managed to reach me, therefore case closed.’

  ‘What about the penguin?’

  ‘She’s independent. I gave you Sue to keep you on track for the compound if things got too surreal. The Mother Superior had to be kept in the dark so she wouldn’t spill the beans. Like Preston. They’re all my pawns. I gave you Sue.’

  Kieran hands me the whisky. It’s good.

  ‘The best whisky you could possibly have,’ he says, sitting down opposite me. ‘Only the best.’ He looks at me over the rim of his glass for a few seconds, then sets the drink down. ‘You could have everything, Joe.’

  ‘Are you trying to negotiate?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘No deal.’

  ‘You could have everything, Joe,’ says Kieran again, and he sips the whisky for emphasis. ‘You made it all the way here, and I threw everything at you.’

  ‘You didn’t try hard enough.’

  Kieran knocks back the rest of his whisky and stands up. ‘I control the very nature of reality, Joe. I control everything you see and hear, and everything that happens to you. I can control your very fortune.’

  ‘Nice words, but fill me up.’ I hand him the glass and he does. Taking this chump isn’t going to be easy without a few shots to kick start my engine.

  ‘You could have everything,’ says Kieran, and I get the feeling he’s gearing up for a big speech. ‘You could control the very—’

  ‘Put a slice on it, wise guy,’ I snap. ‘Cut to the chase.’

  Kieran slams me a look which tells me he likes my style. ‘I want you to rule with me, Joe Fury. I want you by my side. I’ve thrown the world at you and you just keep coming back for more.’

  ‘Chicago got me out of the last scrape.’ I puff the stoogie and blow smoke on his dreams.

  ‘That son of a bitch.’ Kieran clenches his fists and
walks round behind his chair. ‘That no-good dirty son of a bitch.’

  ‘You got a beef with him?’ Nothing like stating the obvious.

  ‘I won’t lie to you, Joe,’ lies Kieran. ‘I need his fortune. He’s the only man stopping me from bringing harmony to this land.’

  ‘Harmony or problems?’ I slip him a smile which doesn’t reach my eyes.

  ‘Harmony!’ screams Kieran, and one of the priceless statues behind him explodes. He takes a deep breath and calms himself down.

  ‘Hope that wasn’t expensive,’ I mutter.

  ‘The only place I can’t get to is Hell.’ Kieran grabs the back of his seat and starts digging his nails in. ‘Chicago runs that. And he can’t get to me and I can’t get to him. But if I got there myself, I could finally unleash my powers and take it over—make it a better place.’

  ‘It’s doing okay without you.’

  ‘I need your watch, Joe.’ Kieran walks over to me. ‘I need your watch to take me to Hell. I know you’ve used your two goes, and it’s ripe and ready for another use. I can use it. I can go into Hell and restore order.’

  ‘Chicago helped me.’ I stand up, toe to toe with Kieran. ‘He pulled me out of the swamp, which means I owe him a favour. And the favour is not giving you the watch.’

  I blow a plume of smoke in his eyes and he stares straight through it. This guy is tougher than concrete. But concrete can break.

  ‘You’ll regret that, Joe.’

  I spin and roll, and there’s the gun across the floor from me where Kieran dropped it. I grab it, muscle it, spin up and around and snap off a shot at Kieran, but he’s gone.

  ‘Time for some payback.’ Kieran is right behind me. But he speaks before he acts, and I slam an elbow back and he grunts and doubles over.

  ‘Do me a favour, smart guy,’ I tell him. ‘Try keeping your jaw closed.’ And I pull back my fist for a sucker punch.

  Then all hell breaks loose.