Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  One afternoon after school, Clarye was sitting on the steps outside of her house on the front porch. She hoped that Michael would ride by going to make a delivery. Sure enough, he whizzed by on his delivery bike. When he saw her, he came to a screeching halt.

  “Hey, Clarye.”

  “What’s up, Michael?”

  “You got it,” he said. “What you doing out here?”

  “Nothing, just sitting around bored. Looks like you have a lot of deliveries to make.”

  “Yep. Hey, can I have your phone number?” he asked right out of the blue.

  Clarye was caught off guard but pleasantly surprised. After a short pause she answered. “Yea, sure.”

  Michael wrote her number down on one of the grocery sacks he had in the basket of the delivery bike.

  “I’ll call you later; okay?” he said.

  “Sure,” Clarye answered. She stood and watched Michael ride down the street to his next delivery stop. Clarye couldn’t wait to call Ada and let her know what happened. Of all people, Michael Brown, one of the most popular boys at school, had asked for her phone number.

  Michael started calling her every night and they would laugh and talk about school stuff. They slowly opened up to talking about themselves.

  Michael had dreams of owning his own mechanic shop. His father already operated a mechanic shop in the back of their house in his garage. But Michael wanted what he called a ‘real’ free standing mechanic shop, in a great location.

  Clarye’s dream was to become the owner of her own business. She wanted to have a little bit of everything in her store from greeting cards, to quaint gifts, to rare and expensive items that only the rich and famous could afford.

  “Can you receive company yet, Clarye?” Michael asked her one evening while they were talking on the phone.

  Clarye was surprised at Michael’s question. She’d never asked about receiving company because she never had a boyfriend before. “I don’t know. I have to ask my parents,” she said trying to remain calm while inside she was bubbling over. This was the first time any boy wanted to come over to see her.

  Receive company? Clarye laughed quietly. I can’t believe this. He wants to come see me. she screamed on the inside.

  Clarye’s parents were strict but not to the point where they were overly demanding. Her father was a bilateral below knee amputee as a result of World War II. He was a somewhat quiet, soft spoken, but strong willed man who showered over his four daughters. The only son he had, died at childbirth. Clarye was told that he died because her mother had to life and carry Clarye around so much while she was pregnant; the extra weight along with her mom’s pregnancy was more than her baby brother could bear. He didn’t have a chance in this world. Theo, Jr. was stillborn.

  Clarye often thought how her having polio had caused so many problems in her family and in her life. She felt like she had been the one responsible for her little brother’s death. If only she had been born normal then she would have a brother now. Even though her mother and father never made her feel like she was the blame, she believed that surely they had to think about it sometimes. After all, she thought about it. And each time she did, it made her hurt inside.

  “Michael, I’ll call you back and let you know what my daddy and momma say, okay?’ Clarye said.

  “Yeah, that’s straight. Go on and ask ‘em and don’t be getting scared either,” Michael said.

  “Okay, boy.” She laughed.

  “Girl, what did you say? Don’t be calling me no boy,” Michael said, trying to portray manliness in his voice.

  “Bye, I’ll call you back then as soon as I know,” she said. She hung up the phone and ran into the den where her momma, daddy and sisters were sitting. Her mom and sisters were shelling purple hull peas and her daddy was watching “I Love Lucy” on their 12 inch black and white television set.

  “Momma. Daddy, can I ask y’all a question?”

  “Of course you can,” her father said. What is it?”

  “Well, I was wondering if I can start receiving company. You know I’ve been talking to Michael on the phone, and he always stops in the driveway when I’m outside and he’s on his way to deliver groceries. Plus, I’m fifteen years old now. So can I, Daddy? Can I, Momma?” Clarye pleaded.

  Clarye slightly rolled her eyes at her sisters when she heard them giggling.

  “Cee, what do you think?” Clarye’s mother said and looked at her husband. Cee was her nickname for him and he called his wife, Pumpkin. “I don’t see why not.”

  Her father nodded in agreement. “I agree, but you should know the rules from watching your sisters.”

  “I think so,” Clarye replied. “I can have company for two hours, two days a week.”

  “And?” her father said and raised his eyebrow. “What else?”

  “My company has to be gone by eight o’clock.”

  “That’s right,” her father said, “or else you’re in big trouble, young lady. And I definitely have to meet him first and give my approval.”

  “But you already know Michael.”

  “I know Michael’s parents. They’re good people and I’m sure Michael is a nice young man, but I still have to be the judge of that. Your sisters can tell you that any boy that comes up in my house has to pass my inspection.”

  “Yes, sir,” responded Clarye and hung her head with a hidden smile on her face.

  “Any questions?” her father asked.

  “No, sir.” Clarye turned around using her crutches and ran in the bedroom.

  “Clarye, stop running through this house,” her mother yelled.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Actually, Clarye’s parents were overjoyed that their baby daughter was blossoming into a young lady right in front of their eyes. They often worried and wondered if she would have difficulty in relationships because of her Polio. They knew it was not going to be an easy road for her to travel. Clarye was the only child in school, in the neighborhood for that matter, who bore a physical disability. The limp was extremely severe and the crutches and braces that covered her slender body served as a constant reminder for them and for Clarye that her life would indeed be a struggle. Despite her physical imperfections Clarye was still beautiful with silky, jet black hair that traveled down the spine of her back. She had a round, smooth, brown skinned face that was always full of smiles.

  When Michael called the next night, Clarye told him the good news.

  “Michael, I asked my momma and daddy and they said I can start receiving company,” she said with excitement ringing in her voice.

  “Man, that’s great,” Michael said, with a sound of anticipation in his deep voice. “I’ll be over tomorrow night. How about that?”

  “That’s fine with me,” she said. She laid out the rules her parents had given her to Michael.

  Clarye couldn’t wait to tell Ada the news. “Girl, can you believe my daddy said I can have company. You know what that means, she shrieked in the phone. “Michael can come over. Oh, Ada, I can’t believe it, girl. I already told him, and he said he’s gonna be over here tomorrow night,” she continued yelling into the phone. Ada didn’t mind the screaming cause she was busy screaming herself.

  When Michael arrived that evening, he was dressed in a pair of beige khakis and a short sleeved, beige polyester shirt. Clarye remembered thinking, “Dog, he looks so cute.” She led him into the living room. She was extremely nervous about receiving company, but the nervousness didn’t last very long. Michael made her feel special. Before you knew it, they were laughing and talking just as easily as they did when she would see him whizzing by on his delivery bike.

  Suddenly and without warning, Michael reached out to hold Clarye. She was startled. She had never been shown affection by a boy, let alone touched by one. When his hand traveled down her spine, Clarye began to feel sensations she had never before experienced. Her heart began to race wildly; and her pulse was beating faster than ever. She could not think rationally. She was unfamiliar
with the feelings and emotions she was experiencing. Michael lifted her face up towards his and gently placed a kiss upon her soft, virgin lips.

  Clarye suddenly let out a loud gasp when she felt his tongue part her lips and invade her mouth. She pulled back and looked at him with wide eyes. “Boy, what’s wrong with you?” she screamed. “What do you call yourself doing?“

  A look of shock covered Michael’s face. Before he could say anything, Clarye started screaming, “Daddy, Daddy,” she yelled.

  Her daddy bolted into the living room and asked, “What’s going on in here?”

  “Daddy,” Clarye cried out. “Michael tried to put his tongue inside my mouth.” Clarye’s father, Theo Dawson, was a large, dark skinned, man with a voice that was heavy and forceful. He gave Michael a look such as Clarye had never witnessed before.

  “Boy, you better get your skinny butt up now and leave,” he yelled. By this time, Clarye was in tears. Not so much because of what her father was saying to Michael, but because she could not believe that Michael, her friend, her first and only boyfriend would try something so despicable as putting his tongue inside her mouth. Michael jumped up and quickly took toward the door looking like a sick, lost puppy dog.

  The next day, Clarye told Ada, what had happened.

  “Girl, what’s wrong with you?” Ada asked. “Don’t you know anything? What he did is called French kissing. He was supposed to put his tongue in your mouth, you silly billy.”

  Clarye couldn’t believe what Ada was saying. She had never heard of French kissing before. But Clarye had never heard of a lot of things especially when it came to boys. Ada began to laugh hysterically as Clarye went on to tell her how she called for her father; and that he threw Michael out of the house.

  “I would be so embarrassed if I were you. I bet he’s told all of his home boys about how you went off about nothing but a kiss.”

  Clarye’s face turned red. “Well, I didn’t know,” Clarye said. "Why didn’t you tell me about French kissing?”

  Ada stated at her for a few seconds and then burst out laughing. “You’re my best friend but, girl you have a lot to learn.”

  “You can say that again.” And they both began to laugh.

  At school the next day Clarye spotted Michael walking down the hall. She was so ashamed of herself. Michael passed by like he didn’t know who she was. After that, she saw him in when they passed classes and again in the cafeteria, but Michael turned away, and avoided her like the bubonic plague.

  They didn’t speak for days. After school, when she got home, she would go sit on the porch outside in her front yard, hoping that she would see him making his routine deliveries. She did not. After several days passed, and Clarye still hadn’t seen him, she assumed that Michael must have taken an alternate route in the neighborhood to deliver groceries.

  “Clarye,” Ada said a couple of weeks after the kissing incident. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I heard that Michael has a girlfriend.”

  “Who is it?” asked Clarye.

  “It’s that stuck up Tammy Swift.”

  “What? Are you serious?”

  “As a heart attack. I heard that they’re really hitting it off.”

  Clarye felt stupid for being as naïve as she was. Her heart was crushed. “I guess it serves me right,” she said to Ada. “Leave it to me to make a complete fool of myself,” she said sadly.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Ada told her. “Shoots, there’ll be plenty of other guys. You’ll see, Clarye, you’ll see.” Ada saw the look of hurt in her best friend’s face. She wished there was something she could say or do to pull Clarye out of her shell.

  “Come on, girl,” let’s go find Angela and Beth and see what they’re up to,” Ada told her trying to sound happy.

  “Well, okay,” Clarye said. “Let’s go. But you know what, Ada?”

  “What?”

  “I have a feeling this is going to be the story of my life. Disappointment and humiliation,” Clarye said with her head hanging low.

  “I saaaiiid, come on, let’s go find Angela and Beth,” Ada repeated, ignoring Clarye’s remarks. She could not respond to what Clarye said. She didn’t want to think about whether or not her friend might actually be right.

  The end of the school year was a few weeks away. Ada told Clarye that her parents had agreed to let her have a party at her house on the Friday night before the last week of school. It was going to be an end of the school year party. Naturally, since Clarye was Ada’s best friend, she was invited. This would be the first time Clarye was invited to a party or dance of any kind by anybody. When Clarye got home from school, she made a quick beehive to her parents who were in their favorite room of the house, the den.

  “Mom. Dad,” she called out.

  “Stop being so loud,” her mother said. “What is it?”

  “Momma, Ada’s having an end of the school year party in a couple of weeks. Can I go?” she begged.

  Her mother was silent like she was in deep thought. “Umm, well, since it’s at Ada’s house, I guess it will be all right. What do you think, Cee?” Ann asked, just to be sure it was all right with him as well.

  “I guess it’ll be all right” he said rather nonchalantly. Clarye and her two friends, Angela and Beth were planning on walking the two blocks to Ada’s.

  “Thank you, Mom. Thank you, Dad.” Ada walked off and went to tell her sister, Vita, about the dance.

  Later that afternoon, Angela and Beth came over to Clarye’s house. The three of them sat on the back porch. Clarye shared the news with them too.

  “We are going to have so much fun at the party, y’all,” said Angela. “I can’t wait.”

  “Neither can I,” replied Beth. “There are going to be boys there too. Oh my gosh.”

  “I have to find something to wear,” Clarye said.

  “Me too,” said Angela.

  “Me took,” said Beth. “We just might run into Michael and some of his friends on the way to the party. Wouldn’t that be the bomb.”

  “I don’t know about that. Michael hasn’t said anything to me since he has a new girlfriend.”

  “And because your father scared the wits out of ‘em,” Angela said and held her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

  “You are wrong for that, Angela,” Beth said.

  “It’s all right. She’s telling the truth. I can’t help it i I’m green.”

  “That you are,” Angela said and laughed again.

  Beth giggled too and so did Clarye.

  “Y’all are some crazy friends,” Clarye said.

  “Yes, we are, but seriously, did you ask your parents if you could walk with us to the party?”

  Clarye’s friends knew how hard it would be for Clarye to get her parents to agree to her walking. Though Ada didn’t live but a couple of blocks away, they remained protective of Clarye because they didn’t want her to fall and injure herself.

  “I haven’t asked them yet, but cross your fingers, y’all. They’ve just got to say yes.”

  “I hope they do, or that will take the fun out of everything.” said Angela.

  “We’ll cross our fingers, and try not to worry about it. Anyway, if they don’t let you walk with us, at least you’re going to be.”

  “Still, I want to walk with y’all. I’m tired of being treated like I’m different from everybody else. My sisters walk all over the neighborhood, and my parents don’t say anything about it. But when it comes to me, I have to be driven around everywhere by my daddy like I’m a li’l baby. I’m sick of that. I’m almost grown,” Clarye said.

  Angela and Beth were silent.

  “I think I’ll wait until a day or two before the dance and then I’ll ask them about walking.”

  Angela suddenly spoke up. “Now that’s a good idea.”

  “I think so too,” agreed Beth.

  “Sara, Momma and Daddy said I can go to Ada’s end of the school year dance.”

  “Hey, that’s good, Clarye. I hop
e you have fun.”

  “Sara?”

  “What?”

  “Do you think they’ll let me walk to the dance with Angela and Beth?”

  “Girl, you already know that momma and daddy are not going to let you walk anywhere. I don’t even know why you think they would entertain that.”

  “But, Sara, I’m tired of them treating me like I’m a baby. They let you, Vita and Vivian walk to parties in the neighborhood. Y’all walk to the games too.”

  “Not all the time. You know how Daddy is, and Momma too for that matter. We can walk some places, but most of the time Daddy takes us where we want to go. I learned not to complain about it because if i did, then I wouldn’t get to go to half the places I wanted to go.”

  “But still, I’ve never walked to school, even when I was in elementary school. And the school is right across the street,” Clarye said pointing in the direction of the school, and sighed in frustration.

  “Well, all I can tell you is ask them, but just don’t be disappointed when I tell you, ‘I told you so’,” Sara said.

  As planned a couple of days before Ada’s party, Clarye approached her parents. “Daddy,” Angela and Beth want to know if i can walk with them to Ada’s party.” Clarye tried not to show how nervous she was.

  “You know that you cannot walk that far, young lady,” Clarye’s mom said. “You might get too tired, or fall, or anything. Your father will take you and pick you up.”

  Her father looked over his wire rimmed glasses and nodded.

  Clarye was livid. She began to see that she was indeed different. And she would always be different. She didn’t feel normal any longer.

  “Why do I have to be the one with this stupid, old polio anyway? Why couldn’t Vivian, Vita or Sara have had this stupid disease.”

  “Watch your tone, or you won’t be going anywhere,” her father said.

  Clarye turned and left out of the kitchen and went to her room. She was glad that her sisters weren’t at home so she could be alone in the room the four of them shared. She ranted and raved and kicked and screamed wildly in her room. At that moment, she hated everyone around her. Her mother came into the room and sat down on the lower bunk bed next to Clarye.