Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

“Can I help you with your books?” he asked shyly.

  “If you want to.” Clarye said rather matter of factly. “But it really makes me no difference ‘cause I can do it myself.” His name was Edward and he was also a high school junior just like Clarye. That day on the steps was the beginning of their relationship.

  Edward and Clarye started making a habit of meeting each week in the library. She even found herself meeting him during their scheduled lunch breaks. They enjoyed conversations about school and music, which Edward loved, and all kinds of teenage stuff. Edward lived in the neighborhood too. He had six brothers and one sister. His father was known around the neighborhood as mean and evil. He was over the board strict with his kids. Nobody in the neighborhood liked him. His father drove an extra long, fishtailed, and, of all colors, a pink Cadillac Eldorado—definitely one of a kind. All the neighborhood kids considered them to be well off.

  Edward called Clarye every night. She looked forward to his conversations. Again, unlike Michael, he never tried to get “fresh “ with her on the evenings her father allowed her to receive company. They shared a peck or two on the lips, but Edward was just as green in that department as was Clarye. After about three months of talking on the phone, they became a noticeable item at school. Edward didn’t seem to be put off by Clarye’s handicap. Clarye liked that about him. I guess in his own way, he had been ostracized too. He seemed to live in his own little world, with dreams of going into the Army to escape the firm hand of his father. Clarye was feeling pretty good about herself now that she had a real boyfriend like all the other girls.

  After they had been girlfriend and boyfriend for several months, Clarye and Edward started saying the words, “I love you” to each other without either of them really understanding what those three words truly meant. As their relationship grew, they talked about experimenting with sex. But she clung to the teachings from her parents and from her church. She knew that having sex outside of marriage was a big taboo and of course a horrible sin. But if two people love each other, surely it wouldn’t hurt anything, Edward told her.

  Clarye talked to Ada about the “sex thing.”

  “Ada, you know me and Edward have been together for almost a year now and you know I told you he wants us to do it, “ Clarye told her friend and confidante. Clarye thought Ada knew a little bit about some of everything, including sex.

  “Ada, what’s it like?” she asked with a real sense of urgency mixed with innocent curiosity. Her parents never openly discussed anything about sex except that it was not to be mentioned in their household. Ada was not a virgin and neither were Angela and Beth.

  “Girl, you don’t have to be afraid of anything,” Ada, said, talking like she just had it going on. “It’s going to hurt a little bit the first time, but at least you can’t get pregnant or anything during your first time. So I think you should do it.”

  Despite her religious beliefs and upbringing, Clarye decided that she would do it. After all, she and Edward planned on being together forever. They were going to get married and have lots of children and live in a big old house with a white picket fence.

  Clarye and Edward planned the “sex thing” to happen one night when her parents were going to be at church attending a meeting. Her sisters were going to be in the den or the bedroom, but she didn’t have to worry about them, because the rule between each of them was that no one was allowed to come into the living room when one of them had company. She wore a brown plaid A lined skirt and a white, cotton blouse that fastened in the front..

  Clarye was nervous and scared. What was she going to do about her brace? Would it get in the way? Would she be screaming out in pain? Edward had reassured her that he would be gentle. After all, this was going to be his first time too. That evening when Edward arrived, the two of them went into the living room. They talked about how they would do it.

  Without touching, kissing, or anything Edward just came right out and said nervously, “Pull your panties off and lay back on the living room couch, Clarye.”

  She was terrified but did as he said. She could not take her brace off, so that had to become part of the act as well. When she lay back, Edward climbed on top of her, pulling his pants down below his skinny hips. It took forever for him to find out how and exactly where to put his thingamajig. When he finally found the right spot, Clarye bit her bottom lip as the forceful thrusting sent ripples of pain that started from her belly all the way to the very ends of her hair. The pain was so intense and Clarye hated the feeling.

  Within a matter of minutes, it was over. Clarye reached for her panties while Edward hurriedly pulled his pants back up. They sat up on the couch looking lost and rather stupid. Neither of them said a word about what had just happened.

  Is this what all the girls and guys are so excited about doing? She thought. This sex thing is terrible. Clarye immediately realized that she wanted no part of sex or Edward in that way ever again. She felt guilt rising up in her because she had totally abandoned all that her parents had instilled in her for a few moments of searing pain. She didn’t feel any closer to Edward, and the love she had for him didn’t feel any different. All she felt was shame over giving her body to be wounded and hurt.

  Clarye also didn’t realize it at the time, but this was only the beginning of the mess ups and trials that she was going to experience throughout her life. She had no idea that she was going to be spending a lot of time asking the man up yonder to forgive her for yet again falling short of the mark.

  When prom time approached, Edward asked Clarye to be his date. The evening of the prom, Clarye wore a beautiful, long, sequined, mint green, evening gown with the back out. The gown glittered like little twinkling stars on a star filled night. Her Momma had taken her to the beauty shop and had her long locks styled in an upward do with kiss girls hanging down the side of her round face. Clarye looked simply radiant. Her flawless brown as copper skin filled out the dress in all the right places.

  When Edward arrived, his mouth dropped. “Wow, you look pretty,” he said. Clarye’s father took pictures of them before they left. Her sisters told her to have a good time, and she planned on it too.

  “You have her home by midnight, Edward,” her father said sternly.

  “Don’t worry, Mr. Dawson, I’ll have her back on time,” Edward said politely. They rode to the prom in his daddy’s pink Cadillac with one of Edward’s brothers and his date and another couple. The prom was quiet and uneventful but Clarye enjoyed herself. She and Edward sat with Ada and her date. Angela and Beth were off somewhere giggling and talking as usual. They had decided to go stag just in case they wanted to go off with some boy, but Clarye felt good that she was actually out on a real date too, with her boyfriend. Memories of the night they did it were gone and Clarye told him not to expect anything to happen between them on prom night, like many other couples had planned.

  Clarye saw Michael and some of his friends at the prom. She had to admit that he looked good. She leaned over and told Ada, “Girl, look at him. Isn’t he fine?”

  “Yes, I can’t deny it. The boy got mad looks, girl. But, remember how he treated you, so don’t even think about giving him the time of day,” she said.

  “Oh, I’m not. I was just saying, that’s all. I don’t think he brought a date either.”

  “I heard that he and his homeboys were coming stag, so they could choose to leave the prom tonight with whomever they choose.”

  “That is so disgusting,” said Clarye, especially when she thought about Michael doing it with some girl. She had confided in Ada about how terrible the sex thing was for her. Ada told her that she had to keep doing it to get used to it. Ada and her boyfriend had been having sex for awhile, and Ada said she liked it, but Clarye couldn’t understand why.

  “Where are y’all going after the prom?” asked Ada.

  “We’re going to dinner, and that’s it. I have to be home by midnight.”

  “I have a midnight curfew too, but me and Larry are going to a mote
l.” Ada nudged Clarye and gave her a sneaky laugh. “I can’t wait.”

  “You better be careful, Ada. You don’t want to get pregnant.”

  “I’m not worried about getting pregnant. That happens to other girls. You know the kind of girls that sleep around with every guy that steps their way. Somebody like Tammy. Look at her over there, dancing all up on Michael. A few minutes ago she was letting some other boy grind on her. She is so nasty. I bet Michael is going to get himself some from her tonight.”

  “Probably so, but that’s if he decides to take her with him after the prom. He might choose somebody else. Who knows?” Clarye said. “And who cares? I know I don’t.”

  “Good for you.”

  “Hey, let’s dance,” Larry told Ada and stopped the conversation between her and Clarye.

  “Okay,” Ada said. Larry took hold of her hand and led her to the dance floor. The mad sounds of songs by Stevie Wonder, Parliament, The Miracles, The Supremes and many more made the prom on and popping.

  After the prom ended, Edward told Clarye they were going to eat at one of the classy restaurants like many of the other couples were doing. Minutes after arriving at the restaurant and being seated, Clarye felt herself becoming queasy when the aroma of the food wafted pass her nostrils. She asked Edward to take her back to the car because she had suddenly lost her appetite. As soon as she sat down in the back seat, and after Edward closed the door, she reached for the door handle. She opened the door just in time because as soon as she did, with embarrassment she threw up what seemed to her like all of her insides.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Edward

  “I just feel sick to my stomach,” Clarye said in a weak voice. “I hate to ruin everything, but can you take me home? I don’t feel well.”

  “Sure. Let me go and get my brother.”

  “No, you don’t do have to do that. I’ll try to sit out here and wait on them. I’m sorry, Edward.”

  “No problem. I understand.”

  The next several days Clarye stayed home from school. She was still nauseated and unable to keep any food on her stomach.

  “What’s going on with you?” Vivian asked her.”

  “I don’t know. I just feel sick. I’ve never felt this bad before.”

  “Momma said she was going to take you to the doctor.”

  “I’m glad. I don’t wish this feeling on anybody,” Clarye told Vivian.

  Ada called to check up on her too. “Girl, you okay? You still don’t feel good?”

  “Naw, I feel worse. I can’t even stand the smell of food, and I’ve been throwing up every morning.

  “Have you and Edward done it again?” asked Ada.

  “Naw, I told you I’m not going to do that anymore. And I’ve been so sick that my period hasn’t even come on.” Clarye suddenly thought about what she just said. She hadn’t had her period. “Oh, Ada, do you think that I could be...”

  “Pregnant? Girl,naw. You can’t get pregnant by having sex one time, and it was your first time too. Don’t even worry about that.”

  Clarye exhaled. “Whew, that’s good to know.” Clarye suddenly felt sick again. “Look, Ada, I gotta go. I’m sick again.”

  “Okay, bye, girl. Feel better.”

  Clarye rushed to the bathroom to throw up again.

  Her mother started to notice that Clarye’s appetite had decreased and when she did eat, she couldn’t keep it on her stomach. She told Clarye she had made an appointment to take her to the doctor to have a checkup. That was fine with Clarye. She wanted to get to the bottom of this sickness for once and for all.

  When her Momma told the doctor her symptoms, he came right out and asked Clarye, “Have you been having sex?”

  Clarye immediately responded, “No,” as a startled expression came across her face. Why would he ask me something like that? She thought as fear rushed in. He told her mom that he was going to admit her into the hospital and run some more tests. He couldn’t tell what Clarye’s problem was. He thought it might be a gastrointestinal ailment of some kind. The next day, after several tests were run, the doctor came into Clarye’s room. Her mother wasn’t there but Edward had one of his friends to drop him off at the hospital to be with her.

  The doctor asked Edward to leave the room so he could talk to Clarye. “Clarye, I thought you said you hadn’t had sex,” he said.

  “I haven’t,” Clarye said emphatically.

  “Clarye, I’m going to have to call your parents,” he said. “You’re pregnant.”

  Clarye became hysterical. Tears poured from her eyes. “How can I be pregnant?” she asked the doctor, through tears and screaming. “I only did it one time.”

  The doctor turned away, walking swiftly and said, “It only takes one time.”

  “Doctor, please. Let me call my parents. I’ll tell them,” she pleaded.

  “No, that’s not an option,” he said and walked out of the room.

  Edward came back into the room and saw Clarye in tears.

  “What happened? What did he say?” asked Edward.

  “He said that I’m pregnant, Edward. How can I be pregnant, when we did it one time?”

  “I don’t know,” Edward said. He began to twitch and look nervous and scared, like a little frightened boy who had been caught stealing from the cookie jar. Edward paced around the room. “We’ll just have to get married,” he said, with a sheepish look on his face. “I‘ll go into the Army and when I finish my basic training I’ll send for you.”

  Clarye didn’t mouth a word. She couldn’t think about what Edward said right now. She was too busy trying to let this pregnant thing sink in.

  Clarye buzzed the nurses’ station and asked if she could talk to the doctor again. They said they would find him and see if he would come back by her room. When he came, she asked him again what he was going to do about telling her mother.

  “I was headed to the phone to call her,” he said. Clarye pleaded some more with him to let her call but he refused. “No, I’m going to call her.” He turned and left out of the room. Fear attacked Clarye, like never before. She waited what seemed like forever, before she heard the ring of the phone. When she picked it up, she could hear her mother crying hysterically.

  “Why, Clarye? How could you do something like this? I’m going to be the talk of the neighborhood. I’m so hurt and embarrassed. You lied to me. You could have told me you were having sex with that boy. After all we taught you and you go and do something like this?”

  Clarye couldn’t stop crying. “Momma, I don’t know how it happened. We only did it one time, Momma.” As soon as the words escaped her lips, she heard in her mind what the doctor had said, ‘Once is all it takes’. It rung over and over in her head.

  “Was your mother upset?”

  “Upset?” she said and looked at Edward like he had lost his mind. “Upset is not the word. She’s more than upset, and wait until she tells my daddy. Edward, this is terrible.”

  ““I know, but we’re going to work it out,” he promised. “I need to use the phone so I can call one of my brothers to come and get me. I need to go home and tell my parents.”

  “Okay,” Clarye said. She was still crying.

  Edward was gone about thirty minutes later.

  Her mother and Vivian came to the hospital to pick her up. Her mother barely looked at Clarye while they gathered her items.

  “You’re going to have an abortion, do you hear me?” her mother told her.

  Clarye didn’t say a word. She hung her head down low in shame.

  On the way home, the car was filled with silence. Soon Vivian whispered, “How could you do something like that? You know better.”

  “Vivian,” she whispered back with tears still in her eyes, “I just did it one time.”

  “Don’t you know that it only takes one time?”

  Clarye tried to digest the news, but found it hard. She couldn’t stop crying.

  “Everyone is going to be talking about us,” her mother said. “E
verybody. I don’t know how I’m going to face people because of this. I’m taking you to Nashville and you are going to have an abortion.”

  Clarye couldn’t stand it any longer. “Mother, I am not going to have an abortion. I’m sorry if I’ve become an embarrassment to you, but I will not have an abortion,” she cried again. “I won’t kill my baby. I’m going to take care of him or her. You’ll see, Momma. You, and everyone else will see.”

  Her mother didn’t breathe a word. The hurt was too deep.

  Clarye’s father barely said a word to her when they arrived home. Yet, it was not as if he was ashamed or anything like that. His silence was different. It was almost as if he was on her side. That he understood somehow.

  During the weeks that passed, Clarye’s mom came to the realization that her daughter was adamant about not having an abortion. So she decided on some other measures. By the time Clarye’s stomach began to protrude, her parents had enrolled her in a school for pregnant girls. The church the family attended made her stand before the church and ask their forgiveness for having sex outside of marriage and bringing an illegitimate child into the world.

  Clarye could barely face the shame as she stood before the church that Sunday morning. All eyes were on her. After she managed to ask forgiveness before the church, the pastor and deacons gathered around her and prayed that God would forgive her for doing what she’d done. It was one of the most horrific days of Clarye’s life other than the day she discovered she was pregnant.

  Clarye found it hard to get pass the fact that she had embarrassed her parents and her entire family for that matter. She prayed to God to forgive her. How could she have been so stupid and so naive? She didn’t know how she could have listened to Ada, to Edward, to any of her friends. She had become the talk of the school. Girls looked at her like she was a piece of trash, and others whispered about being sorry that someone had gotten a poor, crippled girl pregnant. It was worse than terrible. Thank God that Ada, Angela and Beth stood by her side.

  Clarye believed that two wrongs certainly don’t make a right; at least, that’s what she had always heard. “God, please forgive me,” she cried. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t listen to my momma and daddy. Please don’t let me go to hell when I die,” she pleaded. “I promise I’ll be a real good momma, and I promise I’ll teach my baby all about you and everything, Lord. Just please don’t be mad at me.”