Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  Michael lifted himself from Clarye’s body and asked her if she wanted to take her brace off.

  Shamefully she answered, “Yes.” She was shaking nervously as she lifted her skirt to remove the long, steel, cold braces from her legs. She felt as if Michael’s eyes were looking at her in utter disgust. But he seemed on the other hand not to care about the noise the braces made when she disengaged the locks and removed the straps that held her thin legs inside.

  While Michael was busy removing his clothes, Clarye carried out her plan. She quickly got under the covers and removed her clothing. Michael did not say anything at this moment. He climbed inside the covers next to Clarye, reaching for her, touching her, caressing every inch of her body. Clarye wondered if he could feel her bony, cold legs and kept thinking about what Michael might be saying to himself. But Michael seemed to be in another world, breathing and moaning heavily as he called out her name. When he gently climbed on top of her and lay himself between her legs, Clarye forgot all about her handicap. They made love passionately for what seemed like hours. Afterwards, they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

  Three days later, Clarye and Michael were married at the courthouse. A week passed and Clarye was still living at home. She had not yet told her parents about the marriage. She decided that she would tell them in a letter. Before she left for work that morning she wrote the letter and placed it on the vanity in her parent’s bathroom. All she said was, “Mom and Dad, me and Michael got married.” When Clarye got home from work, her mother met her at the door. She was absolutely furious.

  “How could you go behind our backs and do something like this, Clarye?” She yelled. “Michael just came home and you don’t have any idea why he was thrown out of the Navy or anything. How could you do something like this, girl? Are you out of your mind? What’s wrong with you?”

  Becoming angry herself, “Clarye screamed, “Momma, you don’t know anything about him. You’re always telling me that Eric needs a father, Eric needs a father. Well, now Eric has a father.” Clarye said, storming out of her mother’s room.

  Even though Clarye was 20 years old now, she was still her mother’s baby girl. She was still controlled and molded by her mother’s thoughts about her life. Within a few minutes, Clarye came out of her room. She began to sulk like a baby, and became apologetic, as she cried out telling her mother that she was sorry. But it was too late for that. Ann didn’t want to hear anything else about it.

  The next day, Clarye and Eric moved in with Michael. Their relationship was rocky right from the start. Michael could not hold a job. His patience with her and Eric became shorter and shorter. Three months after their marriage, Clarye found out that she was pregnant. Michael seemed to be overjoyed at the thought of Clarye having his child. Their marriage began to get somewhat better. Michael got a job at the manufacturing warehouse where his father worked. Together they began to make plans for the arrival of their child.

  During her fifth month of pregnancy, Clarye noticed the drastic change in Michael’s temperament. He had become moody, and short tempered. Again, he lost his job. Clarye was still working at the state agency but she was not looking forward to trying to support them again on her meager income. She had done this on and off during their short marriage. Clarye decided to confront Michael about his mood swings and his inability to keep a steady job.

  “What are we going to do, Michael?” she asked, as she prepared dinner that evening. “We don’t have long before the baby comes; and you’re not working. How are we going to support Eric and the new baby?”

  Clarye could not move swiftly enough away from Michael, as the full force of his hand crossed her face. She saw anger and hate in Michael’s eyes as he continued to lash out at her physically. Clarye grabbed Eric’s hand as she tried to get away from this stranger, this mad man. They ran into the bedroom, where Clarye locked the door. Michael did not try to follow her. She heard him storm out the front door of the apartment. Panic rushed over her. Fear like she had never known before grabbed at her heart.

  Eric was crying, as she held on to him, telling him, “Everything is okay, sweetie. Momma’s fine. Michael’s just upset about a lot of things. This won’t happen again, sweetheart.” When Michael returned in the wee hours of the morning, Clarye was asleep in Eric’s bed.

  He came in and softly nudged her, holding her and crying while he told her, “Clarye, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. Please forgive me, baby. Please, baby. I’m just feeling so bad. I haven’t been a good husband or supporter for you and Eric. I’m just nothing, Clarye. You, Eric and the baby deserve so much more. Clarye, please help me, ” he cried.

  Clarye’s heart overflowed with compassion and forgiveness. She held Michael close to her heart as she rocked him like she would Eric. She went with him into their bedroom, all the while trying to console her husband. She allowed Michael to make love to her.

  Clarye told herself, “He’s just depressed. He’s troubled. I shouldn’t have confronted him the way I did about him not working. Everything will be okay.” All these thoughts raced through Clarye’s mind. Who was she trying to convince? Herself?

  Michael didn’t change much after that. The slaps turned into outright beatings. Clarye could merely walk into the room and Michael would fly into a tantrum. He would rant and rave, calling Clarye despicable names, while slapping her and knocking her down. She feared that she would lose the child she was carrying.

  Clarye was entering her ninth month of pregnancy when she decided it was time for her to leave. Part of her wanted to stay with Michael. Part of her saw that he was indeed in some kind of pain inside. She asked his mother one day to tell her the truth about Michael’s discharge from the Navy. Michael’s mother told her that Michael had gotten on heavy drugs when he was in the Navy. The thought of Edward raced through her mind as she listened to Michael’s mother. She told Clarye that Michael needed her love and her help. Clarye listened but she still made the decision not to go back to Michael. Instead, she and Eric moved back home to her parents.

  Clarye had to listen day in and day out to her mother reminding her, “I told you so. See, you should have listened to me, Clarye.” Clarye didn’t openly agree, but inside she knew her mother was right. Her mother was always right.

  Michael began to call and plead with Clarye, asking for her forgiveness, asking her to give him one more chance to make it right. But it was too late because Clarye felt nothing for this man.

  It was close to three in the morning when Clarye received the call from Michael’s mother telling her Michael had tried to commit suicide.

  “Clarye,” she said crying heavily. “Michael is in the hospital. His dad found him lying on the street, unconscious in front of the house, Clarye. Honey, you’ve got to come. He needs you, Clarye,” she continued crying. She told Clarye that Michael had taken an overdose of sleeping pills.

  Clarye hurriedly got up and threw on some clothes. She raced to the hospital to see him. When she entered the cold room of the hospital, she saw Michael lying between the sterile, white sheets, looking like a lost, frightened, child. Again, Clarye felt nothing. She stared at his pitiful, wretched face and told him, “Michael this marriage is over. Kill yourself if you want to. That’s your choice.” She turned and walked away.

  One week after Michael’s failed suicide attempt, Clarye delivered a healthy, beautiful little boy. She called him, Jeremy. Just like when she gave birth to Eric, Clarye felt the same immeasurable, unconditional love and joy when she saw the beautiful little son God had blessed her with. Eric and Jeremy. That’s all that mattered to Clarye now. She divorced Michael and left her parents’ house once more.

  She and one of her girlfriends, Michelle, got an apartment together. Clarye got another job offer to go and work as a secretary for a government agency where she would be making more money.

  “Finally,” Clarye thought, “Things are changing for the better. I don’t need anyone. I can make it on my own.” Clarye’s mother had always
instilled in her a sense of independence. She always told Clarye that she could do anything she set out to do. She reminded Clarye constantly that she was a bright, intelligent young lady regardless of her physical handicap.

  Clarye had fingers that moved as swift as the speed of lightning over a typewriter keyboard. She was indeed a smart woman. Clarye reminded herself of her mother’s words and was determined to make life for her, Eric and Jeremy the best.

  CHAPTER 7

  Michelle and Clarye shared a three bedroom apartment in East Memphis. It was a pretty decent section of the city and the small apartment complex had been maintained quite well. Michelle was a bookkeeper for another government agency and Clarye remained in her government job as a secretary. Michelle had one daughter who was the same age as Clarye’s youngest son, Jeremy. They had a solid friendship that had continued over the years, but nothing like the one she and Ada shared. When Michelle told Clarye she was ready to move out on her own, Clarye was excited. Michelle did not want to move into an apartment and be financially strapped, so she had asked Clarye to move in with her. The arrangement they had worked out well. They each had their share of boyfriends coming and going. They never had any disagreements, and their kids got along fine with each other.

  Michelle hurried in from work on afternoon, excitement bursting out all over her. “Clarye, you remember the guy I told you about at my job? You know the one I was hoping would notice me and ask me out?”

  Clarye remembered well. Michelle had been hoping he would ask her for her phone number for weeks now.

  “Well, girl, he came over to my office today, and asked me if I would like to go out for mixed drinks this evening. I told him I would.”

  “That’s great, Michelle.” I’ll watch Angie. You go and have a good time.”

  “Well, there’s only one catch, Clarye,” Michelle said.

  “What’s the catch?” asked Clarye.

  “Well,” said Michelle, hesitating. “He asked me if I had a friend that would like to come along with us. His best friend just moved back into town and he really wanted to bring him along, but he doesn’t have a date. So I sort of told him that I had a roommate who I was sure wouldn’t mind coming along.”

  “You told him what,” yelled Clarye. Michelle knew very well how uneasy Clarye felt about meeting men. She did not want to meet any man on a blind date at all. She would only talk to men who had already seen her limp, and knew that she was crippled. If she ever went out and was sitting down, whether at a restaurant or club, or wherever, she would never talk to a guy who approached her while she was sitting down. She would be terrified to get up from the seat, afraid and ashamed of her handicap, of her skinny legs. She didn’t want a guy to go into cardiac arrest after seeing a pretty face connected to a not so pretty body. Michelle knew this and Clarye could not believe that she would set her up like this. Michelle frantically begged Clarye to come along. Clarye adamantly refused.

  “Well, what if I call Ken and ask them to come over to our place then, Clarye?” Michelle asked. “He gave me his phone number in case something came up or in case you didn’t want to go. When they come over, if you feel uncomfortable, then you can always go to your bedroom. Puhleeze, puhleeze, Clarye. You know how long I’ve wanted Ken to ask me out.”

  Clarye thought about it for a few minutes. She didn’t want to hear Michelle’s whining for the rest of the night, so she said, “Okay, but only if they come over here. I mean it, Michelle.”

  Michelle’s face lit up. She hurried to call Ken. He told her that they would come over to her apartment.

  Michelle left to go to the store to get some wine and a cold cut tray. Clarye was left alone with the kids. The old familiar stirrings of self consciousness returned to creep boldly into her thoughts. The teasing of other kids, being ostracized all of her life, the abuse she was subjected to in the hospital, the snickers and stares from other people, resurfaced in her fragile mind. She was dreading this night. She did not want to meet anyone. One thing that made her feel somewhat better was knowing that this creep was coming on her turf. She got the kids cleaned up and ready for bed and began to straighten up the apartment. She picked out a pair of nice black dress slacks to wear with a black, knit pullover. She wanted to make sure this character would not be able to see her legs or braces. She could walk through the apartment very well without her crutches, so that was another plus for her.

  “They’ll only be over here for a couple of hours anyway,” Clarye continued convincing herself.

  Michelle had put the Commodores latest album on the stereo. They were singing one of Clarye’s favorite songs, “Zoom.”

  Clarye listened to the words. Zoom, I’d like to fly away, said I’d like to fly away, Zoom, zoom baby.

  Clarye felt just like the words of that song. She wanted to fly far, far and away from this place, this night.

  When the doorbell rang, Michelle quickly raced to answer it. Ken, and his friend Shawn, stepped in. Michelle introduced Ken to Michelle and Ken introduced Shawn to the both of them. Shawn was a thin, brown skinned man about 26 years of age. He looked handsome in his own way. He had a short, cropped style military haircut. He was dressed in a pair of Levi’s and a T shirt that bore the names of African American colleges on the back and front. He had on a pair of beige, suede desert boots.

  “Hello,” Clarye said to the both of them, while Michelle ushered them into the living room. Clarye wondered what the both of them were thinking after seeing her obvious limp. She was truly ashamed and embarrassed. She made every effort to let them walk ahead of her into the living room and maybe they wouldn’t notice so much.

  Shawn and Ken sat down; Ken on the loveseat next to Michelle and Shawn sat next to Clarye on the sofa. They listened to music, drank a little wine and munched on the cold cut tray. Clarye twisted her hands together, a show of nervousness.

  While Michelle and Ken became better acquainted, Clarye began to ask Shawn about his recent return to the city. He told her he had been working with the Corps of Engineers in Kennett, Missouri and they transferred him back to Memphis to work on an assignment here. He was one of those guys that cleared government property in preparation for building new government sites.

  Sounds rather impressive,” thought Clarye. While she and Shawn continued to make idle conversation, Ken and Michelle disappeared into Michelle’s bedroom. Shawn and Clarye stared at each other in disbelief, but said nothing.

  After more than an hour, Michelle was still in her bedroom. I hope this fool doesn’t think he’s going into my bedroom. Clarye continued to nurse her glass of wine when Shawn pulled out a fifth of Cognac.

  “Would you like something a little stronger? I brought this along just in case.”

  “No, thanks, Shawn. Wine is plenty for me. I try to stay away from the hard stuff. Actually, I very seldom drink at all,” she said wondering how he could have kept the bottle concealed without her knowing.

  He nodded, barely listening to Clarye’s response. He asked Clarye if she would mind getting him a small glass of ice.

  “Oh my God, he’s going to really be able to see me limping now.” Clarye’s heart began to race in fear. She mumbled a “yes” and rose from the couch, feeling his eyes move over her body as she limped into the small kitchenette of the apartment.

  When she brought the glass back, she waited on the inevitable question. Sure enough Shawn popped the question. “What happened to you?” he asked with an odd and curious look etched across his somewhat handsome face.

  Clarye became defensive. “What do you mean, what happened to me? “

  “I didn’t mean any harm, I was just curious about your limp,” he said.

  “I had polio when I was a little girl. Do you have a problem with that or something?” She said, still angry, still defensive.

  “No, of course, not. I was just curious, that’s all. I’m sorry if I offended you,” Shawn said.

  “That’s all right, Shawn. I’m sorry I jumped all over you like that,” Clarye sa
id. “It’s just that I get so tired of having to explain my handicap to people.”

  “Let’s leave that alone then,” said Shawn. “I have my answer. Now, let’s talk about something else.” Clarye began to feel a little more at ease with Shawn. They listened to music, and laughed and talked for hours on just about every subject imaginable. Michelle and Ken were still a no show.

  Clarye hardly noticed that Shawn was really putting away the fifth of Cognac he had brought. Soon he was drunk and the hour was late. Michelle and Ken had not come back out of Michelle’s room.

  “Well, you know it’s getting rather late.”

  “Yeah, I know. Looks like your friend and my friend have called it a wrap for the night. I don’t think he’s leaving.”

  “Did you drive?” Clarye asked him.

  His reply was a slobbering and slurring, “No, I don’t have a car. I rode with Ken.”

  “Ewe, that Michelle has really done it this time,” Clarye said angrily. “What am I supposed to do?” They sat for another hour or so on the sofa. Clarye found herself becoming sleepy and tired.

  Finally, she told Shawn, “You can lay here on the couch if you want to, until Ken comes back up front. I’ve got to get some sleep. It was nice meeting you, Shawn. Goodnight.”

  “Okay. Thanks, Clarye and goodnight to you too,” he said. “By the way, I should be getting a car this week and the next time I come over I’ll be driving myself.”

  “The next time you come over?” Clarye mumbled. “What makes him think there’s even going to be a next time?”

  The next morning, Clarye arose early and stumbled into the front room, forgetting about the previous night. She had a slight hangover herself, even though she had only a glass or two of wine. When she entered the living room, she saw Shawn still lying on the couch, snoring loudly. She hollered out for Michelle who burst from the bedroom.