Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  Ada listened, with compassion, to Clarye. She felt the hurt of the past in her friend’s life and saw the joy of the present beginning to envelop her. She was thankful for this chance for Clarye to find what she had been searching for all of her life, and that was love.

  CHAPTER 17

  The most memorable day of Clarye’s life was when Gavin asked her to marry him. It was another cold, wintry day, though spring was only a couple of months away. But despite the coldness outside, there was only warmth that penetrated inside Clarye’s heart.

  They had been together as a couple for close to nine months. When he popped the question Clarye was exuberant and eagerly told him, “Yes,” without a moment’s hesitation.

  Clarye could feel Satan creeping around inside her mind telling her that she was once again playing the silly fool. This time she refused to listen to his lies and instead followed her spirit and her heart. That evening, giant walls of defensiveness that Clarye had meticulously built over, in and through her life came tumbling down. Nonetheless, she still felt afraid of what people would say and think about her marriage to Gavin. She knew she was continuing to tug along the shame and guilt of her unpleasant past.

  Despite her faith, Clarye considered herself to be an individual less than pleasing to God. Whenever she thought of who she was and where she’d been on her life’s journey, how she had messed up time and time again, she likened herself to be just like the woman at the well. She recalled reading the story in the Bible time and time again about Jesus confronting a woman and telling her about the shame of her past. Clarye decided she would share these feelings with Gavin.

  Gavin listened to Clarye pour out her feelings. When she finished talking, he stroked her hair and kissed her deeply. He pulled away and stared into her eyes.

  “Clarye, the relationships you had were not of God.” he told her. “They were of your own choosing. Don’t you see, Shorty? We only trusted in God it appears for certain things and in certain areas of our lives. But our relationship is of God; and it’s from God, Clarye. You are meant to be my wife and I’m meant to be your husband. We are what’s real, Clarye. What we have, the way we met, what we’ve shared, the passion, everything is a gift to us from Him. Girl, there’s no reason for you to ever be afraid anymore. There’s no reason for you to ever doubt or be in pain any longer. I’m here for you, baby.”

  Gavin told her that their concerns in life should be only to keep their faith and live a life dedicated and focused on God. He talked to her like a father would talk to his daughter, but with the love of a man for his woman, as he went on to say, “Remember what I’ve told you so many times before. Only if and when we put God first will we be able to actually let go of the past and make our marriage last. It’s the only way it’ll last always now and forever.”

  Clarye listened to him like never before, soaking his words up like a sponge. She finally realized that everything Gavin said was the truth.

  Gavin continued to talk to her with that smooth, sweet spirited voice. “The relationships I’ve had in the past have not been so great either, Clarye, and so we must consider those gone, never existing, the same way God wipes our slates clean when we come to Him confessing our sins and asking for His forgiveness.”

  For the first time in her life Clarye felt released, released from all that had kept her strapped down with guilt, all that had kept her bound to the past. She began to love, began to know love, began to accept love, and began to receive love. For the first time in Clarye’s life, Love walked in and Pain walked out.

  CHAPTER 18

  Gavin and Clarye began to make plans for their wedding day. The date was set for one month away. Ada worked feverishly to plan the small, intimate wedding ceremony.

  Clarye had moved her church membership to Gavin’s church. They decided that they would hold the wedding at the church in the small wedding chapel.

  Eric and Jeremy were even excited for their mom as well. They had begun to actually love and accept Gavin as being their father. They would have long private talks with him. Gavin proudly showered them with advice. They listened to him and respected his guidance and devotion to them and to their mother. Vast portions of their conversations were family centered because Gavin emphatically believed in families sticking together and supporting each other, no matter what. And that’s what they were; a real family.

  EJ was going to be the ring bearer in the wedding, of course. He begged Clarye to let him wear a white tuxedo.

  “EJ, we’ll see, sweetie. I haven’t decided on the colors just yet. But whatever you wear, you’re going to be the most handsome fella there.” She reached down to give him an ABC hug, something Gavin had invented. Every time Gavin came over to the house, he would grab EJ and hug him real tight, like a bear hug. He told EJ that the hug was a special hug that he called an ABC hug. EJ looked forward to those hugs. In fact they had become a sort of ritual between the two of them.

  Clarye decided that the colors for the wedding would be earth tones since Gavin loved earth tone colors. She chose an elegant, yet simple, soft ivory designer wedding gown with hand sown pearls strewn through it, and shoulder length sleeves trimmed in lace. It was, of course, made in a flair design because Clarye hardly ever wore anything that actually revealed the shapely curves of her body.

  The men were to be dressed in tailored ivory tuxedos with soft shades of tan handkerchiefs and cummerbunds. The church was to be filled with Clarye’s favorite flowers, roses. Just like in her home, the roses were a variety of colors. She was going to have four bridesmaids; her niece; her friend Debbie from work; her oldest sister, Sara; and her soon to be stepdaughter, Kenya. Naturally, Ada was going to be the Maid of Honor. Eric and Jeremy were going to give her away. Two of Eric and Jeremy’s friends and two of Gavin’s friends were going to serve as groomsmen. Gavin’s best friend, Kurt, was going to be the best man.

  Ada had contacted the caterers. Gavin and Clarye had decided on a full course sit down dinner to include a variety of seafood, spiced chicken, primed beef, salads, steak, green vegetables and an array of fruit. The cake was going to be a three tiered wedding cake with ivory icing and white filling. This wedding was indeed going to be a memorable occasion for Clarye and Gavin. Ada was determined to make it so.

  Jean even found joy in helping out with the plans. She made sure the florists had the freshest cut roses. She visited the wedding chapel every day during the week of the wedding. She wanted to make sure that everything was going to go as planned for her only son and the woman of his dreams. Jean felt tremendous joy for Gavin. She had longed for him to have true love in his life. She had longed for the day that she would have what she called a “real” daughter in law. Now that day was drawing near and Jean was determined that nothing was going to mess it up.

  The wedding took place as scheduled, four weeks after Gavin’s proposal. It was a beautiful, sunshiny Sunday afternoon, immediately following their morning church service. Rita, a friend and one of the associate ministers of the small church, honored them by performing the small, intimate wedding ceremony.

  The one thing Gavin was unhappy about was that Kenya did not show up. Gavin and Clarye had called her several times during the preceding days of their marriage and she had assured them she would be present. When Eric saw that Kenya hadn’t made it, he went to the phone to call her. He did not want anything ruining this day. Not after all his mother had experienced throughout her life. This was going to be a grand day. No one was going to spoil it, not even Kenya. As the clock continued to tick, there was no Kenya.

  “I tried to call Kenya but there was no answer,” Eric told Gavin.

  Gavin was obviously upset. Hurt shone all over his face. Clarye was becoming frantic herself. Not so much that Kenya had not shown up, but she was hurting for her husband; for Gavin. Eric raced to the phone once more, minutes before the ceremony; no answer. Gavin and Clarye were swiftly jerked back into their own wedded bliss and thoughts of the disappointment of Kenya not showing up were pushed
aside. Standing proudly beside her to give her, the bride, away were Eric and Jeremy.

  EJ, looking handsome as ever, boldly walked down the aisle bearing the rings in his ivory tuxedo. As Eric and Jeremy escorted Clarye down the church aisle, Clarye was captivated when she saw her beloved Gavin. He was finer than ever, dressed in a tux the same color as Clarye’s wedding dress. The words of Celine Dion’s song, Because You Loved Me, played through the church speakers.

  The ring Gavin gave her was a simple band of gold that had “Gavin and Clarye Forever” engraved inside. Gavin wore a gold band that Clarye’s father had worn when he was a young man. Ann had given it Clarye after Clarye’s father died.

  Gavin treasured the ring and actually began wearing it before they became husband and wife. He told Clarye that they were already husband and wife but had to make it official by the world’s standards and laws. And so they did.

  They repeated their vows while “Baby Face” Edmonds, “Every time I Close My Eyes” played softly in the background.

  Clarye was living the very words of that song, Every time I close my eyes I’ll thank the Lord that I’ve got you and you’ve got me too, and every time I think of it I pinch myself ‘cause I can’t believe it’s true, that someone like you loves me too.

  Gavin and Clarye spent their seven day honeymoon on the Right Bank of Paris, France in the ritzy, high scaled Louvre District. During the day, they explored the luxurious Paris monuments, and shopped in the finest jewelry and clothing stores. They lunched at the Eiffel Tower and cruised on the river Seine at dusk, enjoying the French cuisine served by candlelight. Gavin spared no expenses when it came to Clarye. Their thousand dollars a night room at the Ritz was where they celebrated their love for each other, allowing the passions of their hearts to overflow and consume them.

  When Gavin vowed never to leave her, this time Clarye’s heart accepted his words with ease and undying faithfulness.

  They had decided that Gavin would move into Clarye’s house. The two of them made his house a little get away for Clarye where she would be able to go and write without fear of interruption of any kind.

  Clarye loved Gavin more and more as each second passed. Their lovemaking was passionate and fulfilling as they reached out to experiment with loving each other in ways that she could never imagine. Gavin gave her all of himself and she gave him all of her. He showered her with gifts of his love. There were always stuffed animals, cards, and endless telephone calls just to say, “I love you, Clarye.” Clarye found herself in a continual emotional state of pure bliss.

  CHAPTER 19

  Clarye and Gavin had their share of disagreements, of course. Most of them stemmed from Gavin wanting to go and visit old friends and acquaintances.

  “Ada, I know that Gavin is what I call a people person. He loves to be around his friends. He loves to visit. And that’s good. But you know me, Ada. I’m just a homebody. All I care to do is write and spend time watching a good movie. I just want to have him here with me so I can stare in his handsome face.”

  “Clarye, I understand where you’re coming from,” Ada said. “But you only feel this way because of all the garbage you’ve had in the past. Back then you couldn’t trust any one of those creeps as far as you could throw them. But that’s not the case with Gavin. You know Gavin loves you, girl. You know he would never do anything to destroy that love. You know this, girl. Now get a grip and let him get some air. Shoot, the man hardly goes anywhere. He’s here for you no matter what and you know this, Clarye.”

  Once again, Clarye knew that Ada was telling her the truth of the matter. She tried to be understanding of Gavin; and most of the time she was. But Clarye knew the real reason she was feeling this way was because she couldn’t stand being apart from Gavin, not for a moment. She also knew that she was still harboring Fear in her heart. Fear that she would lose him if he ventured too far from home, from her. Yet she really wanted to allow him some time to spend with his friends. Another fear she had was a fear of the streets that held surmounting danger and evil. Clarye didn’t want to take the chance of anything happening to her beloved Gavin.

  Each time he went out she began to pray fiercely to God. “Father, please protect Gavin, keep him safe, bring him home unharmed and unhurt.”

  She remembered praying the same type of prayer time and time again when Eric and Jeremy were growing up. God had always answered then. Now she needed Him to do the same for her darling, Gavin. Her prayers were cries and yearnings coming from the depths of her soul. Clarye found that she could not rest, would not rest, until she heard his footsteps coming down the long hallway leading to their bedroom. Then a calmness, a peace, a thank you again, God would seep from her lips as she fell into Gavin’s chest, clinging to him tightly.

  It was during these times that Gavin would remind her with patience and tenderness, “Clarye, I’m never going to leave you. We’ll be together and no one can ever separate us.”

  Those words should have brought comfort and peace to her, and at times they did. But then, Clarye would begin to feel a frightening, heart wrenching feeling wash over her. The refrain of those words sent chills rushing through Clarye and Fear played her like an accomplished pianist’s fingers moving over the keys of a Baby Grand.

  As if sensing her fears, Gavin would often pull her close to his body and press her head against his chest, soothing her like a parent would soothe a frightened child.

  Gavin continued to talk to her. “I know you worry about me, Shorty. And I know that there’s endless evil going on in this world today.” Gavin spoke with such calmness that it produced a feeling of uneasiness that escalated inside her mind.

  It was one of those nights when Gavin and his best friend Kurt had taken an early flight to Nashville. They had gone to see the Tennessee Titans’ final game of the season. Gavin and Kurt would often take a flight out to see a football or NBA game and then return most of the time, the same evening or early the next morning.

  This night, when Gavin entered into the room, Clarye bolted straight up in the bed. Gavin sensed the fear in his wife and with patience instead of frustration; he went straight to the side of the bed and held her.

  “Gavin, I’m so glad you’re home. Did y’all have a good time?”

  “Yeah, we did. The Titans won, of course,” he said laughing.

  “I’m glad you had fun. And I’m glad you’re home,” Clarye said while looking deep into Gavin’s eyes. “Gavin, I know you tell me to stop worrying, but I just can’t. And I don’t want to be one of those wives who can’t stand for their husband to do anything unless it’s with them. I just don’t understand why I get so frightened when you’re away. What’s wrong with me? I just don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  “Nothing’s wrong with you.” He held her in his arms and comforted her.

  “I don’t know what I would do without you, Gavin. I love you too much and I just want you to be all right.”

  “Shhh,” he said, kissing her lips softly. “I know you love me, Shorty. And with all you’ve been through in your life, I can understand your feelings of insecurity and fear. I also know, Shorty, no one can ever know what the next person has on his or her mind. But there’s nothing for you to worry about. I can take care of myself and I would never do anything to jeopardize us. I love you too much, girl. The only thing that can ever separate us is death and even then, we should both remember that our love will still go on, ‘cause nothing will ever be able to destroy that, Clarye; nothing and nobody.

  Gavin picked Clarye up from the bed and turned her around in the air, until the both of them were laughing and squealing. He began to plant tiny kisses on her face. His hands began to stroke Clarye; as if trying to stroke away the fear that he knew crowded his wife’s mind. He carried her to the king sized bed and laid her down, gently spreading her legs and caressing her between her thighs. He heard her begin to moan with pleasure. He eased his body down to meet hers, all the while touching her, kissing her, stroking her. Clarye’s mo
ans became louder and louder.

  “Ahh, Shorty,” Gavin whispered hoarsely. “I love you, girl. I love you with everything in me. Don’t you ever forget that, you hear?”

  Gavin kissed her on the lips, not giving her time to respond. She could only answer with a deep cry of pleasure as Gavin began to make love to her. Her body was on fire with desire. She screamed out in ecstasy.

  “Gavin,” Ooh, Gavin.” Gavin, baby, I love you. I love you.”

  Fire and passion consumed both of them as they reached the height of their lovemaking. All was right with their world and Clarye’s Fear was gone—for now.

  CHAPTER 20

  “Momma, please help me. Get me out of this place. I’m scared. Help me, help me. Please, Momma.”

  The piercing scream penetrated the walls of Gavin and Clarye’s luxuriously furnished master bedroom.

  “Clarye, Clarye, wake up, sweetheart.”

  She bolted upright from the soft comfort of the downy pillow in a deep, wrenching sweat, and gasping for air. The nightmares had once again returned to haunt her like a thief in the night.

  “Gavin,” she cried out. “Gavin, I’m scared.”

  “Baby, I’m here. You had a bad dream; that’s all,” Gavin said, worried about his wife.

  “But it seemed so real.”

  “I know. I know, baby. But believe me it was another nightmare. Shhh, come here,” Gavin whispered, pulling her to him and bathing her face with kisses. “Was it the same nightmare? The one about the nurse?”

  She nodded with tears in the corners of her eyes.

  Clarye had told Gavin all about Ms. Lucie and her cruel treatment towards her. He became filled with his own rage each time he saw his wife still being tormented in her dreams by this evil woman from her past.