Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  Eric was determined to find Gavin; to find the man who had become his father. As he had been in Clarye’s past, Eric was again her strong tower, her rock of Gibraltar. She saw the look of hurt and fear stretched across his handsome, manly, young face and a rush of love for her eldest son swooped in and surrounded her. She went back inside and telephoned Jeremy at the hospital and told him to get home quickly, briefly filling him in on the nights horrifying events. She then telephoned Kurt, pleading with him to come quickly, telling him in her state of panic that Gavin was in trouble and seriously injured.

  “Don’t worry about a thing, Clarye,” Kurt tried to reassure her. “I’ll find him. He’s going to be all right. Everything is going to be all right.

  How many times had Clarye heard, everything is going to be all right? Everything was not all right. Her husband was out there somewhere injured, hurting, bleeding, and maybe even dying. Everything was not all right.”

  Jean was still out there somewhere driving along the dark streets, frantically in search for her only son. But Gavin was nowhere to be found. He just vanished into nowhere. Suddenly Eric rushed in the front door and hurriedly gathered one of his shirts. Clarye begged him to tell her what was going on. In his haste to get back out of the door, he mumbled almost incoherently that he had spotted Gavin.

  “Momma, I have to get a shirt for Gavin. I spotted him and he’s bleeding badly, Eric said hurriedly. I’ve got to get back to him. I can barely keep up with him. Momma, he’s in a rage and he’s hurt bad,” Eric said running past his mother, hurrying to get back to the man he now considered to be his father. Eric said he was trying to stop Gavin but unbeknownst to them, Gavin was being driven by a rage that was greater than the love any of them had for him. Rage that was greater than the love he had for even Clarye.

  Clarye decided to go and search for her husband herself. She raced out to her truck. Minutes after she began her search, she spotted him a few blocks from the house and called out to him. At the same time, she saw Jean parked on the other side of the street. Gavin looked up with a glare of nothingness in his eyes and ran over to Clarye. He was ranting and raving, screaming and pleading, “Clarye, give me the keys to the car.”

  She pleaded with him to get in the car and he did. Her shaking, trembling fingers reached to turn the ignition and Gavin reached out holding her back.

  He kept asking Clarye, or himself, or the Lord, “Why, why?” He pleaded with her like a child pleading for a new toy, to take him to his daughter’s house.

  Clarye cried out with such hurt when she saw the seriousness of his wounds, “Gavin, please don’t you see that this whole thing is from Satan, sweetheart? Honey, we just got married; you just got your new store. Please, honey, don’t do this. Remember you said you would never leave me? Gavin, Gavin, please we have to get you to a hospital,” Clarye cried and screamed trying to reach out to him. At that time she didn’t realize it, but her beloved Gavin was gone, in another world, on another plane.

  “Why, why? I didn’t do anything. He answered her incoherently. Why would she set me up like this?” he continued to cry out.

  Clarye tried with all that was within her, with all the love she had for this faithful, beautiful man to calm him down. She tried by reminding him of how much the two of them loved each other, how much they had to look forward to, and how much she needed him.

  His reply was a cold, chilling response that hit Clarye with a magnitude of force. His eyes appeared to look past her into her soul, but they were not the eyes of her dear beloved, Gavin. They were eyes that appeared lost, searching, wandering eyes that could not understand the grave injustice, eyes that showed hurt, as he said, “If you love me you’ll take me back.”

  “No, Gavin,” Clarye weakly protested. Her voice was filled with defeat. “I have to get you to the hospital. I have to call the police,” she said.

  Clarye was determined to put the car in gear and drive off with Gavin to get help. Suddenly, as if reading her mind, he jumped angrily out of the car and back into the street ranting and raving that no one loved him.

  Jean was still parked across the street hoping and praying that her daughter in law would be able to get through to her precious son. When she saw him jump from the truck she cried out to him as only a mother can, pleading with him to get inside her car.

  “Gavin,” she said, consumed by her fear but equally as consumed by her love, “Please, honey, just get in the car and I’ll take you wherever you want to go.” Jean had no intentions of granting Gavin’s request to take him back to the scene. She was frantically searching for any words she could in order to get him in her car and to a hospital.

  Maybe Clarye and Jean both knew somehow that time was quickly running out. That hope of saving Gavin from death’s waiting door was being swiftly stolen. Satan definitely appeared to be holding the winning hand.

  When Gavin bolted from Clarye’s truck, Pain was ever present beside her, mocking her, laughing at her. She felt the something within telling her that life would never be the same again. She drove away quietly and slowly, heading the few blocks back home and a feeling of total aloneness and emptiness began to rush in and consume her soul.

  Eric rushed past his mom just as soon as she entered into the doorway, and she told him what had just transpired. He had to make one last effort to see if he could find Gavin and Jean. Clarye saw the frightened stare of EJ when she entered the house but she could not mouth any words of comfort to him when he asked her where his granddaddy was. Instead, she went slowly, her limp of tiredness going almost unnoticed, and dropped heavily to her knees and began to pray. She cried out to God to save Gavin, and to protect him.

  She pleaded with him by quoting scriptures of protection one after another: “Before you call on Me, I will hear you and while you are yet speaking I will answer; though a thousand shall fall at Gavin’s right side and ten thousand at his feet, no harm shall come near him for I will satisfy him with long life; ask and it shall be given unto you; you have not because you ask not; whatever you ask in my name I will do it, no weapon formed against Gavin shall prosper.”

  Clarye didn’t know how long she stayed down on her knees crying out to God. All she knew was that the same scriptures and prayers she knew so well stopped flowing. She was overtaken by something else, someone else. She struggled against the words that forced themselves to part her lips. She somehow knew it was no longer her that was praying, but her Spirit, her very soul had taken over and spoke the words to God that she knew she did not have the strength to pray. She tried with all of her might to hold back what was trying to escape from her lips but the words poured ever forcefully from her and her Inner Spirit began talking to God. “Lord,” she began. We don’t always want to ask for your will to be done because we don’t like your will sometimes but Lord I’m asking that Your will be done Lord Your will be done,” she struggled against what was coming out of her mouth. Suddenly she found that she could not utter another word. A soothing, quiet sense of peace that Clarye did not understand filled her soul.

  Sometime during her prayers, Eric arrived back home.

  “Momma,” he said pitifully. “He’s gone. Gavin jumped out of Jean’s car and simply vanished, without a trace.”

  Without uttering so much as a groan, Clarye reached over to the phone and called Jean’s house. “Hello,“ she said weakly.

  She heard Rolonda screaming. “Gavin is dead. Clarye, Gavin is dead.”

  As if in slow motion, Clarye hung up the phone and told Eric with a scary calmness,

  “Eric, Gavin is dead.” Eric hastily grabbed EJ and the three of them headed for Kenya and her mother’s apartment. Eric sped madly, angrily down the street. As he approached the apartments, they saw what appeared to be in Clarye’s mind the bluest of blue lights. They were the flashing and flickering lights of the police cars. Numbness, emptiness, defeat and brokenness enveloped her completely. If her trusty companion, Pain was present; Clarye could not feel even it. She slowly stepped out of the car at
the same time Eric ran and leaped up the steps leading to the apartment, hoping to find out that Rolonda had been mistaken. But Clarye somehow knew that Rolonda was not mistaken. Her beloved Gavin was gone. Eric raced to her side. Clarye was trying desperately to reach Gavin and rescue him from all this evil.

  She barely heard Eric tell her, “Momma you don’t need to see Gavin like this.” But she would not listen, could not listen.

  “Ma’am”, the policeman politely said, “Is that your husband?”

  Clarye mumbled, “Yes.” The officer reached out to help her lame, lifeless body up the steps. She slowly and carefully walked over and looked down at Gavin’s body that was now covered by a white sheet. She did not ask them to remove the covers. She did not say anything. Gavin was gone. Clarye turned and began to walk off.

  “Was he your people?” Someone in the huge crowd asked Clarye.

  Without looking up, she quietly said, “Yes.” Little did anyone know, but Clarye had died her own death as well. No tears came forth, there was only nothingness. She vaguely remembered seeing Kurt, who had made it to the scene only to be too late. She saw Kenya and her mother, faces void of emotion. The two of them were sitting in the police vehicle. Clarye could hear in the shadows of her numb mind, Eric lashing out and swearing at Kenya. His pain was mounting as he screamed out to Kenya and her mother.

  “Why, Why? How could you do this terrible thing?” He cried. “How could you destroy Gavin? How could you destroy my mom like this? How could you destroy us?” They said nothing.

  The police later informed them that the vicious men who had beaten Gavin apparently saw him running back toward the scene. They shot Gavin twice in the chest as he approached them. Kenya and her mother were in the midst of the whole ordeal. They had actually allowed her precious Gavin to be beaten and shot by these evil minded, lowlife hoodlums, and all for the sake of getting more drug money.

  Jeremy had come home, but he had returned to work after finding everyone gone, thinking that the situation wasn’t serious and everything was okay. After returning to work, he later took a break and called to check on everyone expecting everything to be just fine. Clarye picked up the phone and heard Jeremy’s voice on the other end.

  “Gavin is dead,” she told Jeremy and gently placed the receiver back on its base. A flurry of people came and went during the night. Who they were, what they said, Clarye could not say because she could not remember.

  Sleep finally came sometime during the night for Clarye. When she awoke the next morning, she refused to believe that any of what had happened was real. It had to have been a nightmare because she could still smell the scent of her husband. But when she turned over to snuggle up against him, his side of the bed was empty and cold. Quickly cruel, heartless reality set in once more. She started to receive phone calls and visits from more of their family and friends. Her sisters, her mother, Ada, Eric and Jeremy were all with her.

  The days that lay ahead just came and went. Clarye was consumed by emptiness and void of feeling anything. When the house became silent and empty of people coming and going, she would lay down on the bed she and Gavin once shared. She could hear her groans as they burst out pouring out over her like a giant tidal wave. Sobs turned quickly into screams of pain. Loss reached deep into the confines of her soul. Loud, uncontrollable, gut wrenching, painstaking sobs flowed endlessly.

  Jeremy came into her room and fell to his knees besides her. Tearfully and painfully he listened, listened to the pains of death’s aftermath flowing from her; listened to the pain that he knew she would never cease to forget.

  “Shorty, don’t you know I’ll never leave you, girl. We’ll always be together.” The words rang out through Clarye’s mind over and over again. Words that cut her in two every time she would hear Gavin say them, now she was living the, til’ death do us part, and it was killing her as well.

  “How could this have happened? Why, Lord?” Again, she heard the Lord say nothing.

  Two days after Gavin’s brutal murder, she went to see Jean so they could make the funeral arrangements. She stopped at the bank to begin the process of taking care of some of the financial matters that she knew would have to be dealt with. That’s where she saw her, Kenya—who appeared void of any signs of emotion of what had transpired, void of the major part she played in her father’s death.

  “Hello, Clarye,” Kenya said in an almost cheerful like voice that disturbed Clarye terribly.

  All Clarye could do was look...stare...in total disbelief and ask herself, “How could she?” She was in an utter state of confusion. She knew that the police had arrested Kenya and her mother at the scene of Gavin’s brutal and senseless murder. The police confirmed their earlier statement; that the men who had beaten Gavin had apparently seen him running back toward the apartment complex and senselessly shot him. They said he died within minutes of the shooting. They also said that one of the young men was believed to be Kenya’s boyfriend and was also part of the group of drug dealers that stole Gavin’s life. This same boyfriend was also thought to be one of Kenya’s mother’s drug suppliers.

  “God, maybe If I had known somehow,” Clarye thought. “Maybe things could have been different. I could have shown my love for Gavin even more. Oh, Lord; If only I felt something that might have warned me of what was about to hit us head on. Oh, what a vicious trick Pain has played,” she bitterly cried out.

  CHAPTER 25

  EJ had witnessed that night’s horrible events. Tearfully but with such courage he asked Clarye, “Momma, do you want me to tell you what I saw?”

  "Honey, yes, Momma does want you to tell her. Tell me everything, EJ. Tell me everything.”

  EJ began, “Momma, four men jumped on granddaddy ‘cause he asked Kenya’s mother about why she was getting Kenya to get money for her drug habit. They got real mad at granddaddy ‘cause he kept asking her why she would do something like this to their daughter. Four men in the apartment told him to shut up. Granddaddy wasn’t even afraid of those men.”

  “How do you know that?” Clarye asked him as she tried to hold back the tears flooding her eyes.

  “Cause he just kept on talking to Kenya’s Momma just like they weren’t even there. They must have really got mad then ‘cause they jumped on him. One man took out a gun and started hitting Gavin with it. He kept on hitting him and hitting him. He told granddaddy to give him all his money, but granddaddy didn’t answer him and he didn’t give him any money either.”

  Clarye’s heart was breaking as she fought to hold back the anger, the pain going on inside of her. But she knew she had to listen to EJ.

  EJ went on talking as if he were back at the scene. “Momma, they kept hitting Gavin until he fell down like he was sleep. Granddaddy fell across a table in the apartment. I believe he was unconscious though, Momma, cause he wasn’t moving at all. The men turned him over and started hitting him again. Granddaddy woke up and whispered out for someone to help him. Momma, do you know that Kenya just stood there watching? She couldn't care less,” he said sadly.

  EJ was so bright, so intelligent for a child of eight. He was talking like a man instead of a child.

  “When granddaddy saw me he told me, ‘EJ, go call your Momma.’”

  “But I was too scared. I thought they were going to get me next so I ran and hid in the back seat of the car. Then, I saw a man come from somewhere to try to help Gavin get away.” He had a big, gold chain around his neck and a cross was hanging from it. I think it was a cross.” EJ said appearing to be in deep thought. “He helped granddaddy get in the car. Do you know that granddaddy told that man that he was sorry for all the trouble that had just happened? The man told granddaddy to just get in the car and drive away before the men came back out.”

  Listening to EJ, it was apparent to Clarye that no one but God had given Gavin the strength to make it to the car in spite of his mortal wounds.

  EJ went on, eager to tell his story. “When he got in the car, Momma, I touched his skin. Granddaddy’s s
kin was real cold. Chill bumps were breaking out all over him. But he made it to the house. Momma, granddaddy was a strong man,” EJ said again. “He told me to stop my crying because everything was going to be all right. He told me to never get mixed up with drugs or gangs. He said that’s what his daughter and her mother were mixed up in and he just couldn’t allow it. Momma, if granddaddy had lived, something was gonna be wrong with him.”

  ‘Honey, why would you say something like that?” Clarye asked with a look of surprise in hearing EJ say this.

  “I just know, ‘cause he was hurt so bad, Momma. Momma”, EJ said hugging Clarye tightly. “I know you’re hurt and sad, but you have to keep on going as long as you’re living. Don’t you think I miss granddaddy too, Momma?” EJ cried.

  The words touched Clarye’s heart. She turned to look at her little, sweet EJ. So full of wisdom. So full of love. She felt EJ’s love; the kind of a love that could only be sent from God. At that moment, somehow Clarye’s love for her beloved Gavin overrode the Pain that gripped her heart. She felt just how much he loved EJ, just how much he loved her, Eric and Jeremy.

  EJ was eager to give the police descriptions of everyone he had seen and to tell the police everything that had happened.

  Rolonda returned to the apartment complex a couple days after Gavin’s death to search for the stranger that EJ had said tried to help her only brother. It turned out the man was the resident manager of the apartment complex.

  “I heard gunshots and ran out only to find your brother lying in a pool of blood,” he told Rolonda. “I knelt down beside him and held his head in my hands and asked him if he was okay.”

  He was spitting up blood but he answered, “I’m all right, and then he died in my arms.” When Rolonda told Clarye what the man said, Clarye knew and believed that the angels of the Lord Himself had been there waiting to escort her beloved Gavin to his eternal home where death would forever cease to exist.