by Gabrielle G.
“I was five and crying. I don’t know what you think we shared, but really, you’re the only one who remembers the story, I just know it because you told me so many times.” I try to leave the room, but he blocks my way out. His eyes are green today like the shirt he’s wearing.
“Do you mind?” I ask, exasperated by his behavior.
“What’s going on with you lately?” He puts his hand on my shoulder, and I shiver.
Closing my eyes, I take a big breath in. I wondered many times if I should tell him how I feel. Then I could hear his answer once and for all; it would help me to move on.
But now that he’s in love with my best friend, I refuse to be that girl, especially to Jordan.
“Chris, focus on Jordan and stop playing the concerned brother. I have four of them, and that’s enough. You took my best friend, and I’m okay with that, but I can’t really confide in him anymore, and I never could confide in you. So, just let me be for a while to give us all time to find our footing. It’s a new dynamic. I’d better get home soon; Reed is waiting for me.”
That’s the best I can do to explain why I’m going to take a step back and work on my shit. I know I’m ridiculous being in love with someone who will never love me back. I hate my older brother for not seeing me for the adult that I am, but those stupid feelings I’ve had since I was six show that Aaron is right treating me like a child. Chris steps away, rubbing his chin, looking at me with confusion. I ignore him and walk away.
“He’s not right for you, Snot,” he says without turning back.
“It’s not up to you to say so…” I answer before joining the others in the living room.
The rest of the evening feels like I just broke up with someone who has already moved on.
I hide it the best I can, closing up like an oyster and just being the unfriendly one my family knows so well.
In my defense, I was going to leave, but Barn said he was staying, and nobody wanted me to drive at night. When I told them I didn’t give a crap, Jordan insisted that I stay for beers and pizza, Aaron looked at me with pleading eyes, and Luke told me to stop being a diva, which Dex scolded him for.
Jordan is on his cloud, not aware of anyone but his boyfriend, and I haven’t looked at Chris once since our conversation in the bedroom.
I barely listen to their conversation. Every couple tells the story of the first time they met.
Dex and Luke met on a plane, surrounded by people who thought Luke was straight.
Alane and Aaron met on a hockey rink.
Then we move on to the first time the family met Dex, when he arrived at the house, broken and depressed because his two movie star friends, Ian Porter and Ryan Marley, brought him to Luke to help him cope with his father’s death.
And then the first time we met Alane and how Barn commented on her breasts, he was four. Finally, it’s my turn.
“How did you two meet?” Chris asks Jordan and me. I send him an imploring look, but he has his love goggles on and doesn’t see me anymore.
“I was a client at her bakery,” he says, looking lovingly at Chris.
“So you know Camille and Herpes?” Chris asks, referring to my ex-partner and ex-boyfriend Henry.
“I do, I mean, I did.”
“If I ever see that guy again, I’ll punch him,” Luke snaps in a protective way that doesn’t fit him at all. We don’t get along, never did. When we speak, it’s generally because of Aaron. As much as I fought with Barn, I’m closer to him than I am to Luke. It’s like he doesn’t know me, and I don’t know him. I was nine when he left, and he never really came back. We never kept in touch and never did anything together.
“Won’t we all?” Aaron says. I close my fists, trying once again to keep all my emotions in check tonight.
“There is more to that story than what Sal pretends there to be,” Jordan says, smiling at Chris.
I look at him hurt and baffled while he still ignores me.
“What do you mean?” Chris asks while all my siblings, and their significant others turn their heads in my direction.
I feel betrayed.
Jordan knows what happened, but he also knows I never told the whole story to my siblings and even less to my parents. I get up without a word, my whole body shaking by the low blow from my best friend and the lump in my throat dangerously taking over.
“I’m going to go, guys. You can all stay here; I’ll find my way home one way or another,” I say, tears filling my eyes.
“Sal,” Jordan tries while running after me, “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to upset you.” I raise my hand for him to stop speaking. The waterfall is about to break, and I don’t want to cry in front of them all.
“It’s okay, you chose them over me. That’s what happens in my family. Welcome to the clan, J. I’m happy for you.” I say in a cry. Turning around, I walk away, leaving them to certainly make fun of my reaction, as they always do.
Walking in the streets of New York, I decide it’s time to take a leap of faith and to stop hanging out with a family who doesn’t appreciate me for who I really am. I was happy living here, before I fucked it all up. I was able to be me, without all the bullshit surrounding the burden of being the only Gritt girl. The one my mother wants to see married to a nice guy, and give her grandchildren. But, New York is not an option anymore. I need a space that is just mine, a city to discover, and to be far from all of them. Reaching for my phone, I know who I can ask to help me spread my wings again.
Me: Do you have any clients or friends who would need an event coordinator? I could use some fresh air. I think the West Coast is what I need.
I hear the chime of a text message coming from behind me, and I know without a doubt that my brother-in-law followed me. I stop and turn around to find Dex reading his phone. Walking back toward him, I stop a few feet away.
“You followed me?”
“Of course, Baby Cakes, I wasn’t going to let you walk alone in the streets of New York.”
“I’m sure you’re the only one who volunteered anyway.” Tears are falling now; I’m feeling utterly alone since none of my brothers came for me.
“Chris and Alane were the ones ready to follow you, but I didn’t think you wanted Chris to chase you, and Alane would have brought Aaron with her, so…”
“So you’re the only one who could come.”
“I don’t do things I don’t want to. That’s not me. I’m here because I do believe you need someone, and I’ll be happy to be that person for you.” We look at each other, and it does feel like he understands my pain. Jerking his chin, he points at the direction of a bar on the other side of the street.
He brings his phone to his ear and calls a guy named Oliver, asking if the Darlings are around. “We’re in front of your bar. Is Ian with you too? Perfect then!” he says into his phone before hanging up. Turning back to me, he directs me toward the bar, holding me by the elbow as we jaywalk the busy street.
“Come on, Baby Cakes. I know for a fact you’ll love this bar. Then you can tell me what all this is about.”
Salomé
2 months later
After pouring my heart out to Dex, about my long stupid teenage love for Chris and the dreadful sentiment that I was stuck in my life, when everybody else was moving on, we came up with a plan.
First, I was to fly to Los Angeles with him and Luke for a little vacation, leaving my assistant Avery to deal with the weddings we had planned.
Then, I was to move away from my parents’ farm because as Dex put it. “How can you fuck through the night with your parents living nearby?”
I never had a problem, going to the guy’s apartment, but I see his point.
Also, he decided to help me by investing as a silent partner in my company. If organizing weddings was killing me, maybe it was time to branch out and organize other events. To do so, living in New York is better than the little town of Springs Falls.
So, I went to sunny, easy going California, where I met Dex and Luke’s ce
lebrity friends—Dan Darling, lead singer and rock god of the Darling Devils and his bandmate Lars Trouble and Art Sweet, Ian Porter, award-winning actor, and Ryan Marley, actor but also Luke’s business partner at the tattoo parlors.
Those guys introduced me to their wives, and that’s how, even though I was on vacation, I helped Virginia, Ryan’s wife, to throw an event at her coffee shop for women’s addiction, and I helped Anna, Dan’s ’Love’, as he calls her, to organize a fundraiser for mental health. They assured me they would recommend me to their friends on the East Coast and help me in any way I needed.
Telling the bridal couples, I was closing shop was a little harder but Avery decided to take over the business. There was not much to buy, so the transaction was pretty simple, and I got rid of my wedding business faster than I found a new boyfriend. Reed didn’t take the news of my sudden life-changing decision well, especially because after dating him for six months, I didn’t include him in any of them. We broke up in a messy fight, but nothing he won’t survive. We all move on.
My parents and older brother took my decision seemingly well, but Barnabas, always dramatic, went on and on at the perfidy I was committing, abandoning him with only Avery and our parents when he needed me the most. Luke has been somewhat supportive, letting me stay in his house in LA and trying hard to connect with me, I have no doubt on Dex’s orders.
Nevertheless, Luke almost lost his shit when he realized that Calvin, his too sexy, nerdy hipster friend and employee, asked me out on a date. My brother lectured me about fucking his staff, but Ryan intervened and told him I was a thirty-six-year-old woman, and if I wanted to have a fling with a man, then Calvin was perfect for that. Calvin and I went out a couple of times before I had to leave. He was the ideal anti-Chris and precisely what I needed to help me accept the new development in his relationship with Jordan.
Back in New York now, I’ve found an apartment in a twenty-six-story building in Lower Manhattan, only a few blocks away from the office I’m renting above the high-end tattoo parlor Luke opened in the city.
Organizing corporate events is a real change of pace from insane brides’ demands and mothers’ requests. There are still difficult people to deal with, but because it’s for businesses, there aren’t any tears, drama or any other emotions involved. I’ve secured a few parties with celebrities—birthday bashes and album releases—a few retirement parties for production staff, and I’m now working on an event Luke and Ryan want to throw to celebrate their second anniversary of partnership.
Speaking of tattoos, I got a flying dandelion spread across my two wrists. A girl named Meghan, who introduced herself as Luke’s sister—apparently not knowing who I actually was—asked me what I did for a living while inking me.
Pride filled my heart when I explained I just created my event planning firm and already had clients, thanks to my brother’s connections in Los Angeles. Things got awkward when she asked me the name of my firm, and recognition filled her eyes when I told her it was named ‘Gritt your Event’. She was apologizing profusely when Dex arrived and looked more than amused by the whole situation. Smug bastard.
“Sooo,” Luke says, pulling me back from my daydream. “Heads up, Jordan and Chris are coming in for a tattoo.”
“Well, it’s a free country, Luke. It’s all good.”
“Have you talked to them since you moved here?”
I have.
A couple of texts here and there, telling Jordan I lived in New York now, but he didn’t really answer. He said he was busy, had no time to meet. I get it, winter is almost here, and he’s nesting. I would be too if I had a boyfriend.
“I did, we’re good. I’ve forgiven him.”
Luke’s gaze doesn’t leave mine. “You know, I always give Dex shit for trying to fix everybody, but I’m glad he decided to help you, Baby Cakes. I’m glad you consider him like a brother and confide in him, but—” he shrugs, “I wouldn’t have minded you confiding in me.”
Baby cakes. Since Dex baptized me with the horrendous nickname, Luke took it upon himself to call me that as well. It’s another way he is trying to be there for me.
“Why do you think I stormed out?” I ask him, already knowing the answer, and it seems he knows what he wants to say, but he’s searching for his words not to hurt me. “Go ahead,” I tell him, “it’s nothing I don’t already know…”
“I thought you were childish, having a tantrum about losing your best friend… Dex talked to me, and I realize now, I was an ass.”
“Still are,” I tell him, patting his hand. “What I really felt was that my best friend chose to impress my family and choose his new boyfriend over me. I forgive him because I know how great it can feel to be accepted by the Gritt clan. I saw it happening with Chris, with Alane, with Dex, even with Aaron’s ex. It’s just a pity that I’m not the one being accepted.” I shrug.
“But if you don’t tell us who you are, how can we accept you? We don’t really know you.”
“True, but you never included me either. The first time I felt included was last year when Alane chose me to be part of her hockey team.”
“You’re part of the team, Sal. We don’t have to choose you. Being our sister, you’re de facto on the team. You just have to tell us how you feel…”
“How can I tell you if you don’t listen?” My eyes roam to someone moving behind him. The shop is packed, always is. The waiting list is insane, and they keep rotating artists to be sure they can still take some walk-ins. I rub the new ink on my wrist, nervously waiting for Luke to say something.
“I’m listening now…” I snap my eyes to his. His brown gaze is warm and understanding, and if someone can comprehend the feeling of being an outsider, it should be Luke, but he had it easier than most with our parents always supporting him and never judging his choices.
“You do realize, Barn and I had very different parents than you and Aaron, right? Once you both left, they became a little stricter. With me, they decided that I needed to stay a virgin, and I couldn’t go anywhere alone. I snuck out, of course, and I had boyfriends, but it was hell. Then Mom started her obsession with grandchildren, and I felt like I was a cow ready to be sold for breeding.”
“Come on, Sal, our parents are super cool. I’ve met Dex’s mother, and I tell you, we have it good.”
“I’m not saying they are bad; I’m just telling you, the parents you had and the ones I had, were very different. So what I’m going to tell you is not something I want them to know.” Luke nods waiting for me to spill my beans. “I consider myself heteroflexible.”
Luke frowns. “And you couldn’t tell me, your gay brother, because?”
“Because, I don’t really consider myself bi. I’m not gay, neither hetero. I’m just complicated. I know the gay community sometimes thinks people like me play the field…”
“Some do, but you like who you like, Sal. It’s who you are. I won’t judge.”
My sexuality has been hard to understand.
It all started in college, while I was having a threesome with my boyfriend and another girl. I realized then I liked the female body more than just for a threesome experience. I am on the sliding scale of bisexuality, preferring to have relationships with men but enjoying sex with women from time to time.
“The thing is,” I start chewing the inside of my cheek, “last time I desired a woman, it ruined my relationship…” I tell him, hoping he reads between the lines.
“So that’s why Henry cheated on you? Because you told him you liked women too?” He tilts his head.
“No,” I bite my lip, ashamed of what I need to tell him. “He ended it when I told him I cheated on him, with Camille. He proposed, and I couldn’t fathom disappointing Mom, so I said yes. I felt so trapped; I confided in Camille, and one thing led to another, we slept together. I told Henry the next morning. I tried to stay, but she was hoping for more, and I couldn’t. That’s why I sold them my shares at a discounted price and walked away. Jordan helped me through it all. He fou
nd me outside the bakery crying and took me in. I blurt it all out, sobbing on his sofa. As a lawyer, he helped me with the contracts. As a new friend, he didn’t judge me and accepted me for what I did. I thought going home would help… But I was so ashamed of what I did, the cheating, failing at my dream because of my sexual desire. I couldn’t tell the truth, not to Mom and Dad, not to Aaron nor to Barn. Maybe if you had been home, I would have said something to you, I’m not sure… Then when the inquisition began and they asked question after question, I just said something had happened with Henry and Camille, and Mom filled in the blanks, but the wrong way. I let it take enormous proportions and just… lived in a lie…
Jordan betrayed me that night, even if I was in the wrong, even if I’m a liar. He almost blurted out something that was mine to tell, or mine not to share.”
“I get it, but blaming Henry is insane, Sal. We were ready to break his neck.”
“I know… I’m an asshole.” I shrug. “I hear it runs in the family…”
He chuckles and holds me tight. “What I don’t get is why not tell Chris? You two seem pretty close. He considers you like a sister, and he’s certainly the one who could understand you the most. So why not tell him?”
“I… It’s complicated.” I blush, trying to avoid Luke’s eyes.
Someone clears his throat, and I turn my head to see Jordan and Chris standing before us.
“So, when you said they were coming, you literally meant they were on their way?” I shove Luke’s shoulder. “Was any of this moment between us true or just a way to keep me around until they arrived?”
“Both, Baby Cakes.” Luke kisses my temple. “I’ll be in the back if you need me.” He stands up and shakes their hands before making his way to the office.