by Gabrielle G.
Aar came because he knew I wouldn’t take his calls or reply to his texts. He drove to New York because I’m his last resort.
His best bud vanished on him, and he thinks I have the answer he’s looking for. The last thing I ever wanted was to come between them, and if I could, I would tell Chris to reach out to my brother. But, I don’t want to open the door to communications between us.
He said he needed to heal without me.
Heal away, Christopher Lachlan Harbor.
Heal fucking away.
“No, but I know where he is.” I feel almost sorry not telling him right away where Chris is, but I want to make him sweat a little longer before spilling the beans.
I’m shallow sometimes.
“You do?” He raises one eyebrow. I nod. “No offense, but why would he tell you and not me?”
Cocky asshole. I was so right not to tell him right away.
“I don’t know…” Of course I do, Chris was very clear to Aaron before he left, but I guess my brother didn’t believe his best friend. “Or maybe it has to do with your reaction when you learned what happened between us.”
I close my eyes to not see the disapproval that has been haunting me the last couple of weeks.
“Yeah… That was unexpected, to say the least. What’s happening between you two?”
“I don’t know,” I mumble.
“It seems complicated.” He nudges my shoulder. That’s kind of an apology in his book, being playful with me. So as a reward, I stop jerking him around and tell him where Chris is.
“He was in Vietnam last week. Today, I don’t know. Tomorrow, I have no fucking clue, and to be honest, I don’t want to know, Aar.”
“Okay, if you talk to him, can you tell him to call me?”
“I won’t talk to him. He said goodbye and flew to Asia because he needed space. Calling me would defeat the purpose of his trip.”
“So how do you know where he is?”
“He sent me an email,” I point my chin in the direction of my phone.
When I saw his name, I almost erased it before reading it, but I couldn’t not read his words in the end.
“Have you eaten?” And that’s the only way Aaron gives a real apology. Cooking.
“No. Are you going to make me food?”
“Let me see what you have.” He walks toward the kitchen and opens my fridge, sighing at the emptiness of it. “No wonder you look like you lost ten pounds. When is the last time you ate?” I wrack my brain for an answer.
“Last time I ate a real meal, or last time I ate on the go, from a food truck?”
“Sal,” my brother crosses his arms and sends me his look of disapproval, “do you want me to call in a council for you or unleash Mom on your case? You work like crazy, you barely eat. I’m not sure you’re sleeping much either. I’m worried.”
I have to admit that I’ve had trouble keeping my emotions in check in the last two weeks.
Exhaustion is undoubtedly the cause of my ups and downs. But hearing him say he’s worried when last time I saw him he didn’t give a shit about how I felt, infuriates me. I want to strangle him.
Forget being tired, I’m running on adrenaline, and I want to kick my older brother’s ass!
“Are you? Because you’ve been silent for a while as far as where I’m concerned. You barely reached out for months, except to ask me about Chris. I get it, he’s your friend, but I’m your sister, your only sister. You froze me out in the same way Jordan and Chris did. You accused me of taking advantage of him when he called you, and God knows what you told him about me. He was the only one who understood what I was going through, and you pushed him away! So spare me the worried act, even Barn was more worried about me than you were. Go back to your perfect life, and continue judging me from your pedestal because you’re all mighty on top of the world right now when others are scrambling to get their lives back together! So fuck you! Fuck. You!”
I’m fuming and out of breath, but I lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel good.
“Feeling better?” Aaron smiles instead of screaming at me or ripping me a new one.
“Fuck yes!” I sigh. “I’m sorry, most of those things were not really directed toward you…”
“You don’t say.” He laughs. “Want to tell me about it? About Chris? About Jordan kicking you out to the curb?”
“Do you have a week or two?” I let my laugh die, refusing to go there.
“I’ll just tell you one thing, Chris was also distant with me. I didn’t push you away, and I really thought you were okay. You hide things from us, Sal, we already spoke about that. You don’t share your feelings, or what happens to you. It’s hard to see you shut us out all the time, but we try the best we can to let you breathe. I think Jordan had Chris on a pretty tight leash. I don’t know what happened between them and how Jordan got so much into Chris’ head, but he did. He hasn’t been the same Chris since he met the guy. As for Jordan, I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but shit if I wasn’t relieved when he didn’t show up. I was even hoping Luke would dump Dex and declare his undying love for Chris or Jordan so we could delay the wedding. Of course, I felt like an ass afterward, but…” He shrugs.
“You didn’t like Jordan?”
I understand. I went from loving my best friend to being jealous of him, although I felt really shitty about it.
“I would have tolerated him the same way I tolerated your exes.” He winks.
“You’re such an asshole!” I laugh.
“That’s what makes me a Gritt,” he says, walking toward me and bringing me into a hug. “Let’s order a pizza and finish that bottle of wine!”
“Okay, but you’re buying.”
“Only if I can crash here tonight. I was going to sleep at Dex and Luke’s, but it’s late and I’m beat.”
“Of course, but you’re on coffee duty tomorrow morning. I’m leaving at seven,” I say, releasing myself from his arms to get my phone and order the pizza.
“So pay for the food and make coffee for a bed? Hard bargain, little sis…”
“And…” I add hesitantly, “I haven’t been in the guest room since he left, so I have no idea if he changed the sheets, or not.”
“As long as it’s not where you two…” he grumbles in his beard without looking at me.
“It’s not, and please don’t allude to my sex life…”
“What sex life? You’re still a virgin, aren’t you?”
“Yes, Aar, the thirty-seven-year-old virgin, that’s me…”
“Are we good?”
“You still owe me a meal.”
“Next time you’re home, I’ll make you Cajun salmon with asparagus risotto. Deal?”
“Deal! But it’s broccoli, not asparagus.”
“Broccoli risotto, extra cheese, and extra cream.” He ruffles my hair and walks away toward the room he’ll sleep in tonight.
And just like that, Aaron and I are feeling better and thinking about Chris is more tolerable.
18
Salomé
The next two weeks are the same shit. I work too hard in order not to think of Chris having the time of his life in South Asia where he sends me email after email with messages like “Thinking of you,” “Wish you were here,” “I’ll be home soon,” from Thailand, Cambodia, and Laos.
The ant spray is not working, and he keeps crawling into my head, and I keep finding solace in my work.
And then one morning, reality hits me hard.
I’m late, and we never used a condom.
Thirty-seven, never have been late a day since I was twelve, always used protection, always been on the pill since I was sexually active, and in the most fucked up relationship I experienced, I’m late.
I mean überlate.
My period was due two weeks ago, the day after Aaron was at my door. I remember because I passed by the pharmacy that day to buy what I needed. Rushing to my bathroom, I find my pill stack under the toilet paper, not used, at all. I remember having my period
at Chris and Jordan’s non-wedding. I remember the last day of my last period was the day Cassandra called me. And I don’t remember starting my new tablets the next day.
I fucked up, royally…
My first instinct is to think—tequila, but I gulp a glass of water instead, trying to come up with a plan.
Step one: pee on a stick.
Step two: freak out if needed.
No, forget that, I’m not peeing on a stick alone.
That’s not possible.
I need someone holding my hand.
Most of my friends are back home. I still don’t know anybody in New York except clients.
So, the next best choice is Dex.
He’ll keep the secret.
Me: Are you in NYC?
Please say yes. Dex is the perfect person to pee on a stick with. Please be in New York. Please. The three dots appear, and finally his answer shows.
Dex: No LA, why?
Yeah not telling him by text.
Not telling anybody in fact.
If Dex isn’t here, I’ll do it alone.
Dex doesn’t give me the time to answer before his name is flashing across my screen.
“Baby cakes,” he says when I pick up, “what is it?”
I sit on my bed, still trying to put my mind back together.
I think a snow-plow shoveled my life and threw it away.
The coast is clear, but it’s freaking slippery, and I don’t really know which way to go.
“Nothing, I’ll deal with it by myself.”
The pharmacy is where I need to go.
“We can be there tomorrow if you need.”
I sigh. “No, I’m fine. I’ll call you back.” I hang up quickly before his sixth sense tells him what I suspect. Having no time to deal with this before getting ready and meeting a potential client, I push it all to the side and decide to deal with everything at lunchtime.
I already have my keys in my hands and my shoes on when Barnabas comes in, with two coffees in one hand and a brown bag in the other.
“What are you doing here, Barn?”
“Hello to you, sister of mine,” he says in a bouncing, happy voice, closing the door with his foot.
“You can’t use the emergency key to barge in here. What if I weren’t alone or alone but doing something?”
“Yeah… because we all know you would text Dex if you were with a guy or masturbating. I mean, if you need to text you’re very gay brother-in-law to get turned on, I’m not one to judge. I still masturbate thinking of Alane, so…” He shrugs.
“I didn’t need to know that, Barn. Dex told you I needed help?” He nods. “That’s nice of him, but right now I’m late for work…”
“Wrong!” Barn says, handing me a coffee. “Well no, you’re right, you’re late but not for work. Dex rescheduled your appointment and sent me here to give you these.” He turns the brown bag upside down, and no less than five pregnancy tests fall from it.
“Five?” I ask.
“Well… you need at least two to be sure of the results, and then this one blinks, this one sings, and this one says men can try it too. I had to buy it.”
“Why would you try to pee on a pregnancy test?” I take a sip of my coffee and spit it right back out? “What is that?”
“Decaf, I can’t let my niece or nephew become a ball of nerves. And why not? You’re so sexist,” I know he’s trying to distract me. That’s what Barnabas does the best. But I’m in no mood for jokes and easy banter.
“Barn, we’re going to play twenty questions because I need answers, okay?” I say slowly to stop my brother’s craziness.
“I’m not as dumb as your exes, Sal, don’t speak to me as if I am a moron.”
Breathe in, breathe out. He’s here to help, not to rile me up.
“Why are you in New York?”
“Pussy, what else?” He unquestionably has been through all the girls in upstate New York. Let’s say he has a voracious appetite. If Aaron needs commitment and Luke loves being in a relationship, Barnabas likes diversity, a lot of it.
“Why did Dex ask you to come?”
“Well, he didn’t ask… He summoned me to. But the answer you’re looking for is: because you think you’re pregnant. I hope it’s from Chris because otherwise, it’s going to get even more complicated than it is now…”
“Barn, focus. How did Dex know?”
“The way he knows everything? I don’t know. I think the guy is a spy or some shit like that. Yeah, a Russian spy, maybe he’s trying to kill Dad. I always knew Dad was a bad guy under his hippie looks… Or Mom and Dad are the Bonnie and Clyde of our time. What do you think?”
“Barn,” I’m losing patience, it’s often the case with my little brother, “I don’t care if Dad and Mom are Thelma and Louise; I don’t understand why Dex would send you.”
“For you not to be alone once you realize you’re knocked up by the only man you’ve ever loved? It seems logical to me. He knew I was in town, as I was crashing at their place, and he told me what you needed. Now, if you prefer to be alone…” He pouts.
“Stay, I’m just surprised. I never thought the first time I pee on a stick would be with you.”
“You’ve never had a scare before?” his eyes widened in surprise. He touches his hair nervously and ties it in a man bun.
“Nope, never. Did you, Barn?”
“Yeah…” His voice sounds sad.
“With…”
“Sal, stop buying time and go pee on that stick.” He hands me one of the tests, and I take it, embarrassed by my situation. “Your blush is cute but unnecessary… Are you a messy pisser? Because in that case, it’s better to pee in a cup first and dip it in fast, but don’t drown it in pee either, or it doesn’t work… “He says, rinsing his coffee cup and handing it to me.
“It seems like there is a real science to it.” I take the cup, the four other tests and walk toward my bathroom.
“There is a science to it. The first time can be tricky. That’s the real reason I bought five,” he shouts from the kitchen.
“Thank you, I guess. Now, can you be quiet so I can pee?” Wrong thing to say, there is nothing more awkward than peeing when your apartment is in total silence, and you know there is someone behind the door. I’m blocked, and it’s not coming…
“Oh wait, Luke's calling. Do you want me to pick up? He wants to know…”
“No. Just you and me. You’re also going to keep it a secret until I’m ready to share. Can you do that?”
“I guess… Did you pee yet? I didn’t hear anything. Do you need me to run some water?”
“Barn!” He’s genuinely impossible sometimes.
“Or, I can tickle you, like when we were kids. You remember that time I made you pee your pants?”
“You and your obsession with peeing. You loved to pee everywhere and tried to make me pee everywhere else too.”
“I just wanted you to mark your territory. So, you see, you peeing on a stick while I’m on the other side of the door is normal. It’s meant to be. You peed in front of me before.”
And so, as if Barn had granted me permission to do so, I pee on the stupid pregnancy test.
“Hallelujah!” Barn screams from my bedroom. “Why do you have a framed picture of you and Chris in the back of your closet?”
Cleaning up, I open the door to find my personal belongings all over the floor. I left him alone for two minutes, and he found a way to ransack my bedroom and discover all the things I hid from everybody, myself included.
“When will you stop going through my stuff?”
“When will you stop hiding things from us?”
“I don’t think there is much to hide…”
“Henry? Camille? Your latent bisexuality?” I blink, What the…
“How do you know?”
“Jordan was an asshole. That day you ran away, he told us what happened. You should have seen Chris’s face, he seemed so hurt you didn’t tell him.”
It makes
sense now. What Chris said when we were on the plane, that he would never judge me.
“You know we don’t care, right? And it’s not that I didn’t know before…”
“You knew before Jordan told you that I like girls too?” Barnabas laughs at me as if what I just said was a joke.
“Did you forget I learned how to read, thanks to your diary?”
“How could I? You blabbed every piece of it over and over to Mom. Even when I changed my hiding place, you would find it and read it. “
“Well, what do you think I did the five years you were back home?” He shrugs.
“Is it what you’re going to do when you get home, tell Mom and Dad I’m pregnant?” I take the picture from his hand and shove all the mess he made back in the closet with my foot.
“Oh no, I’m not touching this. You? Knocked up by the guy they love like a son? Mom is going to be so damn excited. She’s going to move in with you!”
“It’s going to be messy…”
I bite my lip.
A freaking mess.
Grandchildren are a big thing for my mother.
She even tried to convince me to give an egg to Luke and Dex to procreate a child they don’t want.
She gets crazy about babies.
She breathes for becoming a grandmother, and she has a book of baby names she started to write in when Aaron and Alane were dating—as teenagers.
“Maybe I shouldn’t,” I add.
“Salomé!” Barnabas imitates our mother’s voice. “You’re almost thirty-eight, you have a job, it’s maybe one of your last chances to have a child, with a man you love, and you think this is not a blessing?” We laugh at his on-point imitation.
“And, as I was here the day we discovered you were pregnant, I’m calling dibs on godfather,” he adds in his own voice.
“Aar is going to kill you.”
“Fuck Aaron! I’m the best uncle in the world, and you know it.” He walks into the bathroom and takes the test in his hand. “Now let’s stop pussyfooting around and see if you’re pregnant or just starting menopause.”
“You’re such an asshole!”