by Tamara Black
“That's terrible. I'm sorry.”
“It's okay. It was a long time ago.” He fidgeted in his chair. “I mean, not a long time ago, but you know.”
“Yeah. I can picture the type of woman you would have dated in high school.”
“Probably not,” he said.
“Blonde hair, blue eyes. Am I close?”
“Not at all. Actually, she was...”
“Go on.”
“She was black, like you.”
“Don't you mean African-American?”
“No, she was from the Caribbean. She had mocha colored skin like you...” He sat up suddenly and cleared his throat. “I think we've done enough today. If you can come back tomorrow for an hour or two, I can walk you through the entry essay so we can get started on that for you.”
“Entrance essay, huh?”
I didn't make him backtrack to talking about the color of my skin. He was a bit poetic, which was a turn-on to me. I'd never dated a white guy before, but it wasn't out of the question. I stood up and rolled the stroller to the doorway of his office.
“Thanks again for taking the time. And for the compliment about my skin.”
“I didn't mean to...”
“It's okay.”
With that, I turned and left, knowing he was staring after me. I made it out of the building and started walking back to my apartment. Before I arrived, I knew I'd been crazy to think that a guy like Matt would be interested in someone like me. He was sexy and funny, but I had to keep my eye on the prize and make a better life for Terry.
EIGHT
Matt
After Leah came back for help, my spirits were lifted. Everyone in the office noticed, even Brittney. She was a frail, sprite of a woman, rail thin but full of spunk and one of the best activists in Chicago if not all of Illinois. Her views were a little too fringe for me personally, but I loved the way that she used her rights and was active in politics.
“How's your girlfriend?” I asked her in the small room that had been converted into a makeshift break area.
“You mean Beth?”
“I'm sorry. I keep forgetting her name.”
“She's great. We're going to join the Black Lives Matter marches even though it's not strictly about race.”
“It's not?”
I really didn't feel like listening to one of her lectures about right, wrong and her world view, but I nodded my head in agreement at appropriate moments as she rattled on and on. Out of the half dozen people who worked in the office, she was the one I got along with the best. I think part of it had to do with her sexual orientation. After Alyssa, I'd been trying to avoid any romantic relationships.
“Are you listening?”
“Huh?”
I looked up. Her hands were on her hips as she glared at me.
“I asked if you're going to the march with us tonight.”
“No, I have plans already, sorry.”
“Your loss.”
She left the break room, giving me a moment of silence. My peanut butter and raspberry jam sandwich tasted better than usual for some reason. Deep down, I knew what it was that had my senses attuned to the universe, but I left the words unspoken. Love had to be the furthest thing from my mind so that I could selflessly help Leah and others like her. That was my mission in life.
At the same time, I couldn't deny that the world appeared slightly different with thoughts of Leah on my mind. We had only talked a few times, but I felt drawn to her somehow. She wasn't a stupid person. Life had just dealt her a tough hand. Then again, who was I to judge? Maybe her child was a blessing, one that I would never know myself.
I finished lunch then went back to my office. Leah was supposed to stop by again. After some research, I'd found the perfect angle for her scholarship essay. I had no idea if she could write or not, but I was willing to help her. If she actually got it, her life would forever be changed. If I couldn't have love in my life, at least I could help make life better for other people.
* * *
Leah came back the next day wearing a nice pair of jeans and a tank top that showed how well she took care of her body. I found myself unable to keep my eyes off of her for very long. She noticed me looking at her once or twice, but she didn't say anything at first. Then, as she was typing up answers to questions I'd put together to help with her essay, she surprised me.
“Why you keep staring at me?”
“Your hair looks nice today.”
“Thanks.”
Her hand reached out and touched my arm for more than a couple seconds. I didn't work out, but I kept myself tone. Was she checking me out? I wondered.
“You're sporting an interesting beard.”
“Huh?”
“I thought we were giving out odd, hair related compliments to each other,” she said then smiled.
“I'm sorry, I don't mean to creep you out.”
“You're fine. I didn't say anything about you creeping me out.”
She went back to filling out the questions, tapping away at the keyboard on my desk as I watched. Her baby boy began to cry in the stroller. Without batting an eye, she stretched out her foot and began rolling it forward and backward while still typing up her answers. I was impressed with how she was able to multitask.
The more I watched her work, the more I wanted to somehow let her know that I was interested in her. I knew it was wrong because I was her social worker, but I couldn't help that I found myself attracted to her. What I liked the most was her strength. She looked nice, but it was her strong personality that made me want to know more about her.
“I think that's it,” she said.
“Great. Another day or two, and we should have everything done on time.”
“How much does it cost to mail the application in?”
“Don't worry about it, we have it covered.”
“Chitown Shares or you?”
She looked into my eyes, and I knew I could never tell her lies.
“Me, but it's okay. Really.”
“You don't need to be doing all that for me.”
“It's fine.”
“I don't want to owe you nothing.”
“Why would you owe me? I'm just being nice.”
“That's not how it works in my world.”
We stared at each other a few moments then returned to putting together her essay. Later that evening, when I left alone and walked home, my loneliness really hit me. I had a college degree, a fulfilling job, and friends even, but something was missing in my life.
NINE
Leah
Over the next week, I saw Matt every single day. I was amazed at how far he was going to help me. Did he have ulterior motives? I wondered. Born and raised in Englewood, I could usually tell when I was being hustled, and Matt didn't display any of the normal signs I'd learned to notice.
The third day I saw him in his office, I tried to let him know that my interest in him went a little beyond how we was helping me. He was a smart and funny man, and I wanted to get to know him better, but he didn't seem to be noticing that I was flirting with him.
“Why did you become a social worker?” I asked before leaving.
“Oh, a lot of reasons. I just like helping people, I guess.”
“You have a sensitive soul.”
I reached out and touched his arm, yet again letting it linger for five or six seconds. His arms were firm, which I liked. To be honest, I really didn't care about body types. Trey had a nice body, but he was a piece of shit hustler. All I wanted was a nice man that would make me smile. He didn't even have to take care of me. The best relationship would be one where we worked together.
He looked down at my hand briefly then back at me. “Thanks.”
“Well, I should get going. I'll see you tomorrow around the same time.”
“Yeah, I think we should have your essay all done and we can go over it all one more time before we turn it in.”
“Sounds like a plan. You have a good night.”
I waved then rolled the stroller out of his office and the building. Once outside, I pushed Terry back to our small apartment. The whole time, I kept trying to figure out in my mind what I was doing wrong. If I could get him a little drunk and sloppy, I'd be able to let him know how I felt more easily, but I didn't see that happening. I needed his help with the full ride scholarship.
As I was unlocking my back door, trying to sneak into my own damn apartment, Trey and two of his buddies appeared from the alley. I tried to hurry up and get Terry inside before they could walk over, but they were soon on the steps. I sighed and walked in. They followed me inside. I got Terry out of his stroller.
“Go in the living room, little man,” I said.
He scurried off. Trey walked up on me, inches from my body. His black, muscled skin glistened.
“What you want?” I asked.
“What you mean what I want? I pay my half of the damn rent around here.”
“Yeah, but we said that you can't stay here anymore. Especially with your crew.”
I nodded my head at the two other thugs who were laughing and joking with each other across the room near the back door.
“Where was you at?”
“None of your business.”
“You with that white pimp of yours?”
“What? You're crazy.”
“Whatever, ho, you know you sucking that guys dick so he help you.”
“You talking to me like that with your son in the next room?”
“I'll talk to you any damn way I want.”
“Lower your voice,” I hissed. “Are you using again?”
“Bitch, please...”
“That's it. Get the fuck out.”
I pointed to the door.
“And if we don't?”
“Look, if you just go, I promise not to go see him anymore, okay?”
“Damn straight you not gonna see him no more.”
“He was just helping me so I can get some type of job.”
“If you want a job, come see me. I know what you good at.”
The two baby gangsters snickered, fueling the fire.
“Will you just go, please? Terry needs changed. You want to do that shit?”
“Damn, Trey on diaper duty,” one of the guys said, causing both to laugh.
“Man, shut up,” Trey said then walked toward them.
They opened the door and spilled outside. Trey followed them, but he stopped in the doorway and turned to me.
“Think about what I said. You could make some fat cash with that ass of yours.”
I glared at him. He smirked then left, letting the screen door slam. After I shut and locked the wood door, I leaned my back against it. My body bent over as I tried to breathe and not lose my cool. Matt and the life he offered seem even more valuable now that Trey wanted to rip it out of my hands.
After a moment or two, I stood up. I had work to do. Terry wasn't going to take care of himself. I listened a moment and didn't hear anything, which caused me a bit of concern. As I headed into the living room to check on him, the reality of what Trey had said hit me.
Did he really think I was going to turn tricks for him? Wasn't he making enough money slinging rock and heroin? Terry was sitting in front of the window and looking outside. I stared at him a moment then walked over and picked him up.
Before I made any decision about Trey's offer, which I wasn't seriously considering, I wanted to at least talk to someone who had been in the business for a while. Trixie was in her late forties and had played at all levels of the game. She lived a couple doors down from me.
When I showed up at her front door with Terry nestled in my arms, she looked a little surprise, but she invited me in. She wobbled to her kitchen and sat down at an old wooden table with water stain rings all over the top. A half empty bottle of wine sat within reach of her arms.
“You want a drink?” she asked.
“No, thanks. A little early for me, but you go ahead. I have the kid.”
“Don't judge me, little girl. Have a seat. What's on your mind?”
I liked how she cut through the bullshit and got to the heart of the matter.
“Trey asked me to start tricking for him.”
“And?”
“And I just wanted to ask you what it was like?”
“You love that little boy?”
“Terry? More than anything. Why?”
“If you love him, you won't start tricking. It's a road that's hard to escape from once you start.”
She took a long drink, emptying her glass, then refilled it to nearly the brim.
“How long you been on the streets?”
“Oh, a fine looking black woman like you wouldn't have to start on the streets. The money ain't on the streets. Someone like you would start where I did, with high class johns and sugar daddies.”
“You ain't always been on the street? No disrespect.”
She laughed. “You ain't have to worry about offending me, girl. I done seen it all and done it all. Now I'm used up and sucking dick for five bucks a pop.”
I tried to put my hands over Terry's ears, but I stopped. He was too young to understand.
“I'm sorry. I should talk right around your kid. You just have to know that it's good as fuck at first and you on top of the world and have a lot of the power, but it quickly sucks you in, chews you up and then spits you out.”
“I'm sorry.”
“Why? You didn't make me chose what I did. I done made those decisions. Now maybe I can help you make the right one. What's up with that white guy that came over to your place the other day?”
My eyebrow lifted as she took another long drink of cheap, red wine.
“You saw that?”
“Oh, girl, I see everything or hear everything. I done sucked half the dicks in this city. Pardon my language.”
“It's okay. Matt's a good guy. He was helping me out, but Trey got mad and said he was gonna kill him.”
“Fuck that little corner boy. He ain't got no ambition to climb and become an OG, no skills to become a pimp, and no brains to do anything else but hustle on the streets. You need to go see that white guy on your own.”
“He's watching me now.”
“Well, you gotta think smarter than him. He's thinking with his dick and his eyes clouded by money. You'll come up with something to get away for a few hours to let your white knight know you need some help.”
“But what if he gets hurt?”
“Is he some sort of pussy?”
“No. I mean, I don't know. He's sensitive. He said he grew up around here and got lucky by getting a scholarship or help from a family friend.”
“Sounds like you been thinking about him a lot.”
“Maybe.”
Terry started fidgeting in my arms as I tried to contain him.
“Well, I gotta go. Thanks for the talk. It really helped.”
“You'll make the right choice, girl. You the smartest female in a ten block radius.”
She laughed then took another long drink of wine. I took Terry back home and made him a snack while I sat at the kitchen table and tried to figure out what I was going to do.
TEN
Matt
Professor Jensen called for another lunch, and I accepted. I wanted to talk to him about my feelings for Leah. While I hadn't spent a lot of time with her yet, I wanted to spend more. I felt a desire to help her, to protect her. Part of me knew it was wrong to feel that way about her, someone I was helping through Chitown Shares, but she seemed like she might be a perfect match for me.
We met at our usual spot, the Golden Song Chinese restaurant. I arrived before him and sat glancing at the menu as I tried to sort through my conflicting thoughts. Even if it was okay for me to show interest in Leah, there was a very good chance that she wouldn't be attracted to me. Growing up in a rough neighborhood, I'd never been good at fitting in with those with street strength.
“Matt, you beat me.”
I
looked up. He smiled then sat down across from me.
“Just a little bit. I've got a lot on my mind.”
“Oh? Do tell.”
“I don't want to bother you.”
“It's fine. Is it that woman?”
“Leah. Yeah.”
“What about her?”
“Well, I still find myself attracted to her. I think we would be a good match maybe. I'm dying to ask her out on a date.”
“Do you really want my advice?”
“Yeah...”
The waiter walked up, and we put our order in before he continued.
“It's natural for you to be attracted to some of the single women you're helping, but as a social worker you need to break it off with her. Like right now.”
I frowned, knowing he was right.
“But I want to help her. She has a drug dealer for a boyfriend.”
“You've likely helped more than anyone else in her life. Step back before you get burned.”
The rest of the lunch we talked about other topics. He was working on another book about Chicago neighborhoods. I tried to listen, but my mind was flooded with thoughts of Leah. After lunch, I excused myself quickly, saying I had to get back to work.
“Oh, I'm sure you have important things to do.”
He winked at me.
“I'll get my half of the bill.”
“I wouldn't hear of it, Matt.”
“Okay, thanks. I'll talk to you soon.”
I got up, waved, then left the restaurant. Walking home, I listened to Three Little Birds by Bob Marley and wondered if he was lying to me or not about everything working out okay. I had to trust him. It was the only thing that really made sense in the crazy world I lived in. The young kids were right. Chicago had somehow become Chiraq, along with all the psychological and social problems that came with being torn about by war and violence.
ELEVEN
Leah
On Thursday, I decided to take Trixie's advice. She was a whore, but she'd somehow survived a long, hard life and had to have some sort of worldly wisdom. My idea was simple, which is why I hoped it was going to work. Trey was watching me closely, so I decided to get a babysitter and tell him I was going to get an operation so that I could start tricking.