Patrick's Destiny

by Sherryl Woods

  He wanted to deny that, but the echo of Alice saying those very words had rung in his head all week long. The words had meant more to him than he wanted to admit, but he wasn’t about to let Molly know that.

  “So what if she is?” he asked, his tone cavalier.

  Molly scowled at him. “Do you honestly need me to answer that?”

  Patrick sighed. “No. I’ll talk to her.”

  There was just one problem…once he talked to Alice, really talked to her, things might never be the same. And for the first time in his life he didn’t want to lose the feelings he’d discovered in her arms, feelings he’d never imagined himself capable of.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Even if she hadn’t been taken aback earlier in the day when Patrick had sent a written summons to her classroom, Alice would have known something was wrong the minute she stepped aboard the Katie G.

  Patrick was waiting for her on the deck, a brooding expression on his face and a beer in his hand. He didn’t look especially happy to see her. The fact that he’d been avoiding her most of the week only added to her alarm.

  She hesitated when he said nothing, then finally sat down next to him and put her feet up on the railing. The afternoon sun was warm on her face, but the breeze held a promising hint of rain. There would be a storm before nightfall, no question about it. And she had a feeling there would be one on board between her and Patrick even sooner.

  She finally dared a glance in his direction. “Is everything okay, Patrick? Have you heard something from your brothers in Boston? Or from Daniel or your folks?”

  “No, it’s nothing like that.”

  “What then?”

  “We need to talk.”

  Something inside her froze at the tone in his voice. Those words never meant anything good. “About?”

  “Us.”

  She’d been anticipating this for days now. In some ways she was surprised it had been so long in coming. As much as she’d wanted to pretend that Molly’s warning was misplaced, she hadn’t been able to forget it. Patrick intended to dump her before things got complicated, or, rather, any more complicated. She’d told him she loved him and that had been the kiss of death. It would be with a lot of men, but especially with a man who had the kind of trust issues Patrick had. And he was too damned noble to let her go on loving him when he was convinced he could never love her back.

  Her pride immediately kicked in. She had no intention of being the one dumped. She looked him straight in the eye. “Okay. Are you going to start or shall I?”

  He stared at her in surprise, as if it had never occurred to him that she might have an opinion on that subject. “You, by all means,” he said politely.

  “You’re going to say that what’s been going on between us has gotten out of hand, that I might be misinterpreting what it means, and that you never intended for it to get serious.” She met his gaze. “How am I doing so far?”

  He scowled at her. “Am I that predictable?”

  “You are when it comes to relationships. When they get too difficult, you run. I suspect you never even allow most relationships to get to that point.”

  “Dammit, you’re the second person today to say something like that to me. I’m getting sick of it.”

  “You heard it first from Molly, I imagine,” she said, trying not to be angry at a friend who only thought she was looking out for Alice’s best interests by pushing Patrick to be honest with her. “I also suspect she’s the one who told you that you needed to spell things out for me for my sake.”

  “She thinks I’ll hurt you,” he said defensively.

  “What do you think?”

  He met her gaze, his expression miserable. “That she’s probably right, eventually I will hurt you, Alice. It’s what I do.”

  “You could stop the pattern. All you have to do is quit running,” she countered.

  “Simple as that?” he said, his expression wry.

  “Why not? I’ve never hurt you or given you any reason to distrust me. That was your parents. And from what you’ve said, you never really gave them a chance to explain why they did what they did to your older brothers or why they kept it from you and Daniel. You had one conversation that caught them completely off guard, then turned your back on them—and on your brother, who’s as much a victim in this situation as you are—and ran.”

  Alice met his turbulent gaze. “Believe me, Patrick, I know all about running. I did the same thing. I shut my parents out of my life because of one hurtful argument. I made one more halfhearted attempt to reconcile by sending them that invitation to my graduation, and then I wrote them off. Before I realized how ridiculous that was, what a waste, it was too late. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “So am I.” She regarded him with a penetrating look. “Let me ask you something. Has being alone made you happy? Or has it only made you feel safe?” She held up her hand when he seemed about to speak. “Don’t answer me now. I want you to think long and hard about that when I’m gone. I knew the risks when I got involved with you. I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt more alive lately than I have in years. In my opinion, that’s a helluva lot better than safe and alone. You can protect your heart, Patrick. Or you can live. I protected myself once and it cost me everything. Never again. I’m going to live my life as if there’s no tomorrow.”

  She stood up, leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to the grim line of his mouth, then walked away before the tears that were threatening could fall.

  Patrick stared after Alice and cursed himself for letting her walk away yet again. She’d caught him completely off guard when she’d taken the decision to call it quits out of his hands. She did that a lot—in fact, she had a way of taking him by surprise that should have made him nuts. Instead it filled him with anticipation. It also made him ashamed that he wasn’t nearly as brave as she was. Not only was she brave enough to go, but she’d been brave enough to take a risk on staying if only he’d met her halfway.

  But no more. She’d left no doubt in his mind that she was finished. She’d seen the handwriting on the wall, handwriting he’d scrawled there in big, bold, unmistakable letters, and had wisely decided to cut her losses.

  He should be dancing for joy at being free of a commitment he’d been incapable of making in the first place. Instead all he felt was the sense that he’d lost something precious, something he’d never be able to replace.

  He would have gone to Jess’s and gotten blind, stinking drunk, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to listen to any more of Molly’s comments on his love life. He sure as hell didn’t want to argue with her over whether or not what had happened was for the best. Of course it was. But he didn’t have to like it.

  He should take his boat out to sea and let the demands of fishing tax his muscles and clear his head, but the prospect held no appeal.

  Ironically, he had a sudden urge to call Daniel. His twin had always been able to put things into perspective for him when it came to women. Not that Daniel had much wisdom in that area of his own life—the mess he’d made of things with Molly was testament to that. But when it came to Patrick, Daniel had always seen things more clearly.

  Patrick almost reached for the phone, then caught himself. He could make that call only if he was willing to take everything that went along with it. He would have to reconcile with his brother, and that would be only one step away from letting his folks back into his life. He almost did it anyway, but the weight of all that old baggage kept his hand off the phone.

  For the first time since he’d moved away, Patrick felt unbearably lonely. He’d been alone before and never minded it. Today, though, it made his heart ache. With Alice he’d had a taste of something incredible. He could call it companionship or sex and demean it, but he was honest enough not to do that. What he’d shared with her had been love in its purest, most incredible form, and he’d let it slip through his fingers.

  “Hey, Patrick. You look as
if you’ve lost your best friend,” Ray Stover said, calling out to him from the end of the dock.

  Grateful for the interruption, Patrick waved the older man on board. “What brings you by, Ray?”

  “I wanted to thank you again for coming to my rescue.” He handed over a package wrapped in bright-yellow paper and tied with string. “A little something from Janey. Judging from the shape of it, it’s probably one of the sweaters she knits when I’m not around. The truth is, they’re usually too big and she tends to drop a lot of stitches, so I won’t be offended if you hang it on the back of the door and forget about it.”

  Patrick laughed as he untied the bow around the package and opened it to find a dark-green sweater that was every bit as large and unevenly made as Ray had predicted. “Nice color,” he said, seizing on the one thing Janey had gotten exactly right.

  Ray grinned. “That’s very diplomatic, Patrick. I’ll tell her you love the color and she’ll be pleased as punch.”

  “Is that the only reason you came by, to deliver Janey’s thank-you gift?”

  Ray looked sheepish. “To tell you the truth, I’m going stir-crazy around the house. Janey’s already lost her enthusiasm for having me underfoot—she says I disrupt her routine. I thought I might take you up on that invitation to go out fishing—that is, if you’re heading out this afternoon.”

  “I was just debating whether to try to get in a couple of hours before nightfall,” Patrick said. “I’d be glad of the company.”

  Ray leaped to his feet with an agility that belied his years and began untying the boat from its moorings. Patrick moved more slowly, amused by the man’s enthusiasm.

  “Something tells me you’re going to be looking around to buy a new boat one of these days,” he told Ray.

  “Not as long as you’ll let me help you out from time to time. I’m retired for good. That’s the way it has to be,” Ray said, not sounding as unhappy about it as he had when the decision had first been taken out of his hands.

  “Is that because it’s what your wife wants?”

  “No, it’s because it’s what’s right for the two of us. That’s what marriage is about, son, making compromises for the good of both of you.”

  “Don’t you both wind up losing that way?”

  “Only if that’s the way you choose to see it,” Ray told him.

  “Is there another way?” Patrick asked, genuinely curious.

  “You can see it as both of you giving up a little bit for the good of what you have together. Then you both come out winners—though, to be honest, as soon as you start thinking in terms of winners and losers you’re in trouble.” He gave Patrick a speculative look. “Is that what was on your mind when I got here a bit ago? You and that pretty young teacher at odds over something?”

  “In a way.”

  “Is what she wants unreasonable?”

  Patrick wasn’t sure how to answer. She wanted him to love her enough to forget about the past. She wanted him to trust in their love. The requests weren’t unreasonable. Maybe just a little unrealistic, given where he was coming from.

  “No,” he told Ray eventually.

  “Do you want to lose her? Is clinging to your position more important than keeping her in your life?”

  “No,” he said more quickly.

  Ray grinned. “Well, then, I think you have your answer.”

  Patrick sighed. He had an answer, all right. He just had no idea at all about how to put it into practice. How could he compromise a little bit when it came to letting go of the past? There was no way to open the door just a crack to his parents and Daniel. It had to be all or nothing.

  The same with acting on his feelings for Alice. If he went back to her, he had to be prepared to love her with all his heart. He had to allow himself to be vulnerable to her. He couldn’t protectively close himself off to his feelings without shortchanging both of them.

  But one thing was certain, he didn’t want to go on like this. He’d had a taste of what a full life could be, and anything else was unacceptable.

  Alice was attacking the weeds in her garden when she heard the doorbell ring. She stayed right where she was. There was no one she wanted to see. There hadn’t been anyone she wanted to see for days now. She grabbed another handful of weeds and tugged viciously, then flung them over her shoulder.

  “What was that for?” Molly demanded irritably.

  Alice sighed and turned around, only to see her friend wiping traces of dirt and weeds from her face and the front of her blouse.

  “Sorry,” Alice said without any real sincerity in her tone. She was almost as furious with Molly these days as she was with Patrick. She knew that Molly was behind that little talk Patrick had insisted they needed to have. Even though Alice had gotten in the first word, the handwriting had been on the wall from the instant she stepped aboard his boat. Molly might have meddled out of affection for both of them, but she’d set off a chain reaction that had been as painful as anything that might have come down the road.

  “Yeah, I can tell how sorry you are,” Molly replied.

  “What do you expect from me?”

  “Why don’t we start with an explanation of where you’ve been lately?”

  “At school, working here in the garden, around town.”

  “Just not at Jess’s,” Molly concluded.

  “Pretty much.”

  “Avoiding me or avoiding Patrick?”

  “Both.”

  “Why?”

  “As if you don’t know,” Alice accused.

  “I don’t,” Molly said. “Patrick’s been making himself scarce, too.”

  “Then go chase him down and try all your questions on him. Maybe he’ll be more receptive to them than I am.”

  Molly answered by sitting down on a chaise longue and stretching out. She looked as if she had no intention of leaving anytime soon. Removing her sunglasses, she turned her face up to the sun. “Nice day, isn’t it?”

  Alice rocked back on her heels and sighed. “You’re not going to go away, are you?”

  “Not until I get the answers I came for.”

  “Okay, here it is in a nutshell. Patrick called me over to break up with me. I broke up with him first. You were right. It wasn’t going to work. You got us both to face that fact. Happy?”

  “No, I am not happy,” Molly said, her own expression glum. “How could I be, when you’re so obviously miserable?”

  “I’m not miserable,” Alice retorted heatedly. “I’m furious.”

  “With Patrick?”

  “And with you. You were so sure we couldn’t make it work. I know you were bugging him to be straight with me because you care about me, but all you did was to back him into making a decision before any decision needed to be made.”

  Molly looked her in the eye. “How long were you willing to wait?”

  “As long as it took,” Alice insisted.

  “Really? Then you don’t care about having children? You were willing to put your whole life on hold while he wrestles with all those demons on his back?”

  “Yes.”

  “Even if after all that waiting around and wasting your life, you could still lose him?”

  “Even then,” Alice said.

  “You’re crazy,” Molly said flatly. “You’d wind up hating him and blaming me for not stepping in sooner.”

  “It was my decision, Molly, not yours. You took it out of my hands.”

  “I merely wanted you both to face the truth before it was too late.”

  “What truth? I’m in love with him. Is that the truth you meant?” she retorted vehemently. “That’s not going to go away just because it might be more sensible if I weren’t.”

  Molly stared at her in shock. “If you’re in love with him, really in love with him, then why the hell did you break up with him?”

  “Because it was what he wanted.”

  “So basically you just let him off the hook?”

  “It was easier on both of us to get it over wi
th.”

  “Why make it easy for him, Alice? Why not make him squirm and say the words?”

  Alice frowned at the hint that she’d somehow taken the easy way out. She especially resented it coming from Molly, who’d set all this in motion. “What purpose would that have served?”

  “If it had been hard for him to let go, he might have had to question whether it was what he really wanted. Now he thinks it’s what you wanted. You’ve given him one more reason to believe that love isn’t strong enough to weather anything.”

  “That’s not fair,” Alice said, though she couldn’t help wondering if that wasn’t exactly what she’d done.

  “One of you needed to fight for what you had. It was never likely to be Patrick—that left you. I thought you understood that, Alice.”

  “Maybe you should have explained the rules before you started meddling.”

  “I didn’t think I needed to. You were so certain of how you felt, of how Patrick felt. I expected you to fight like a banshee to keep him.”

  Alice studied Molly speculatively. “Did you fight for Daniel, Molly?”

  “No,” Molly admitted. “I don’t know that it would have changed anything, but I’ll still regret it till the day I die.”

  Alice forgot for a moment how angry she was about Molly’s role in her breakup with Patrick. She reached for her hand. “I’m so sorry. Why don’t you do something about it now?”

  “It’s too late for some things.”

  “It’s never too late,” Alice said fiercely.

  Molly gave her a sly look. “Then why not go to Patrick and tell him you made a mistake, that you want to fight for a relationship with him?”

  Alice frowned at her. “Nice try, but I don’t think so.”

  “Why not? Too much pride?”

  Molly’s words lingered in Alice’s head long after Molly had left to go back to work. Was it just stubborn pride that kept Alice from going to Patrick? Or was it that she’d really finally seen the light and accepted that they couldn’t make a go of things?

  Images of the way they were together tumbled through her head, like snapshots falling to the floor in a jumble. She wanted to freeze each one, linger over it, but they slipped away in rapid succession, leaving only an overall impression of a joy she’d never expected to find.