Other Side of the Wall

by Jennifer Peel

  When all of our company left, we all got in our new red pajamas and met in the family room. Tucker was staying the night, and I was staying in the main house too. My daddy, ever since we were little, read Luke chapter two from the Bible to us before we went to bed on Christmas Eve. When we were little, he would also read, Twas the Night Before Christmas, but that seemed like forever ago. I couldn’t imagine being any happier as I found myself in Scott’s arms, surrounded by the people I loved most, as my daddy read those sacred words. It was the best Christmas yet.

  As everyone retired for a long winter’s nap, Scott and I stayed put on the couch. I could tell my daddy was hesitant to leave us there, but my momma drug him off to bed. As soon as everyone left, Scott turned to me. “Let me see your feet.” He then proceeded to give me the best foot massage ever.

  After several blissful minutes, I looked over to him. “Are you doing ok?”

  He looked at me funny. “Of course, why?

  “Well it is your first Christmas without your wife.” It was hard for me to say it, but I knew I should, and I needed to face that reality. We had both been married before and he had loved his wife.

  He motioned for me to come closer. I didn’t need any convincing. I moved back over to him and he pulled me on his lap. He looked lovingly at me. “Ava, thank you. I know this is hard for you and I know I’ve made it more difficult. But to answer your question, honestly, Jenna wasn’t really into Christmas and it caused a lot of problems between me and my family. So, I admit, this year it has been nice to not have to deal with the conflict of the past few years.” He looked around. “She would have definitely not liked your family’s idea of Christmas.”

  I touched his face. “But do you?”

  He reached up and grabbed my hand and kissed it. “Very much.”

  I leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. “You know I’m here if you need to talk and I’ll try my best not to get jealous.”

  He kissed my head and chuckled a little. “Ava, you don’t have anything to be jealous of.”

  Just then the clock struck midnight. “Merry Christmas,” Scott said quietly.

  “Merry Christmas, Scott. I love you.”

  He rubbed my arms. “Do you remember that morning after that huge pile-up and you came to my door?”

  I shook my head yes. That was the weekend we became more than friends.

  “As I held you in my arms and you said my name as you slept?”

  I guess I really had said his name, I thought he was just teasing me.

  “I knew then I was falling in love with you and so I took off my wedding ring.”

  I snuggled in closer if that was possible and sleepily sighed.

  “I love you, Ava.”

  I drifted off to sleep to that wonderful sentiment. I was awakened a few hours later to Scott lightly kissing my lips. “I better go upstairs, I would hate for there to be bloodshed on Christmas morning.”

  “I think we should live dangerously,” I muttered half asleep.

  He laughed softly and then covered me up with a quilt. I guess he didn’t agree. I was so exhausted though, I fell right back asleep until the late morning. Gone were the days when Tucker and I would get up at the crack of dawn and rush down to look at what Santa had brought us. I still remember calling for our parents to hurry and get up so we could open the rest of our gifts. I felt bad now, knowing how tired they must have been. But I admit I looked forward to someday having my own children to wake me up at insanely early hours on Christmas morning.

  My parents came down first, and my momma looked gorgeous. She had definitely showered and done her hair and make-up. She always had to look good for the photos that were inevitably taken on Christmas morning. I could tell my daddy was relieved to find me alone on the couch. Honestly, it was comical. Both my parents joined me on the couch, and I felt like a little girl again as I leaned my head against my daddy’s shoulder. We talked about the party the night before, and it felt good just to relax this morning. Eventually Scott and Tucker made their way down. My daddy kindly gave his spot to Scott. In a way, it was symbolic, and I think both of the men in my life recognized it as such.

  We decided to eat first before opening presents. I offered to make breakfast; my momma had out-done herself, and even though she looked fabulous as usual, I could tell she was tired. Surprisingly, she took me up on my offer. Scott offered to help, and there was no way I was turning him down. As soon as we reached the kitchen, he picked me up and kissed me. Merry Christmas to me, I thought.

  As we made French toast, eggs, and bacon, the Langston’s called; we put them on speaker phone so Scott and I could both talk to them. Myrna had me laughing as usual. “Ava, sweetheart, Merry Christmas. So, when are you coming home? What’s all this you’re taking it slowly? You love each other, what else is there to know?”

  Scott and I both smiled at each other.

  We tried to appease her the best we could, but she was anxious for me to be a Langston and for us to add to her posterity. We told her all in good time, but that was nonsense to her. She said next Christmas she wanted us there, even my family was invited. I wondered if my momma would give up her party.

  After our fun phone call, we served breakfast, and we all took our time eating. I looked around and thought, “How did this ever become my life?” I was the luckiest woman. They say you have to know the bad before you can truly appreciate the good. All I could say was my life was good. And it got even better as the day went on.

  Scott loved the gifts I had purchased. He already had a million ideas for new presentations and how he would use the new projector and sound system. I couldn’t wait to help him again with those. He also loved the heart rate monitor, and he reminded me how I was still raising his heart rate on a regular basis. He even liked the cheesy dolphin shirt. His gifts to me were re-gifts, in a way. I opened the first box to find all the movies I had given back to him, but this time there was a note attached to each with a memory of each one of those nights. They ranged from the silly to sentimental. I began to think he watched me more than any of those movies. In fact, I began to realize how much he observed me all along. He also returned every other gift he had ever given to me, including his house key. For my last gift, he gave me a photo album his mom had helped him put together. There were pictures from my birthday, pumpkin carving, Sunday dinners and so on. I absolutely loved it. I don’t ever remember crying so much on Christmas morning. I had to tell my daddy and brother they were happy tears. My momma already got it.

  Chapter 19

  The clock was my enemy as the next week ticked by at an accelerated rate. Scott was returning home on New Year’s Day. I knew he couldn’t stay, and I knew it wasn’t time for me to go, but it didn’t help with the sadness I felt at his impending departure. We tried to savor every moment, but there just didn’t seem to be enough hours in the day. We even tried not to stay too busy. Instead, we just tried to relax at home or on the beach, but it didn’t lengthen the days.

  I woke up on New Year’s Day, on one hand looking forward to the possibility that lay ahead in the coming year, but on the other hand dreading saying goodbye to Scott for the next six weeks. He planned to return for Valentine’s Day. We met early at the pool, one last time; it had become our morning routine. We didn’t swim much and we probably kissed way more than my daddy was comfortable with, but I wanted to savor every last moment with him. I don’t know how many times we uttered, “I love you,” but it didn’t seem to be enough.

  As I got dressed, I seriously considered going back with him. Maybe his mom was right. Why were we waiting? But I had to remind myself it was just a short year ago that we were both married to other people. Sure, I had been separated from Peter for months at that point, but I was still married. I also reminded myself that Scott needed to fully come to terms with all the changes in his life. I believed him when he said he loved me and that we were meant to be together, but his wife hadn’t even been gone a year yet. I knew I needed to be patien
t. I only wanted to do this marriage thing one more time. I wanted to give ourselves the best chance for success.

  My parents and Tucker said their goodbyes after breakfast, which left me to walk him out. He had already packed his rental car. I don’t know if I had ever walked slower down our sidewalk, than I did to his car. When we approached the driver’s side, he leaned me up against the car and lovingly looked into my eyes as he stroked my tear stained cheeks.

  He softly kissed every inch of my face. “I love you, Ava,” he whispered between kisses. When the kisses ceased he held my gaze. “Don’t forget to wear your ring every day.”

  I looked at my beautiful ring. “How will everyone know you’re unavailable?”

  He smiled at me. “Ava, all they’ll have to do is look at me and they’ll know.”

  I smiled and cried harder.

  He hugged me tight. “I’ll be back for you,” he whispered in my ear. Then he gave me one of those long, sweet goodbye kisses, and he left.

  It was funny how time seemed to stand still while we were apart. Ok, maybe funny wasn’t the word, frustrating was more like it. I tried to keep busy to help pass the time. My momma had no problem helping there. When she had a project to be done, she was like the energizer bunny until it was completed. She had me painting, sewing and decorating at all times of the day. Of course, I took breaks to talk to Scott on the phone or Skype with him. Thank goodness for modern technology, but there was nothing like the real version. I also talked to Myrna on a daily basis. She was so ready for me to be back. Oddly, I wanted to be back too. I knew my parents wouldn’t be happy with that, but I knew that’s where I would end up. I decided not to mention it to them until it was time.

  I did enjoy being home with my family. And I tried to make the most of our time together, knowing that someday I would go back to just visiting. Tucker came over most nights, so we had family dinners like in the good ole days. I could tell my momma loved it. I had a feeling she knew it wasn’t going to last forever.

  Valentine’s Day weekend was cut short as Scott’s flight was delayed due to weather. We were barely able to spend two days together. I could tell he, too, was getting anxious to end our separation. I didn’t express it, but I wanted him to get past that first year anniversary of Jenna’s passing. I was afraid of what that realization would do to him. I don’t know exactly what I was afraid of; he hadn’t pulled away or pushed me away at all. In fact, everyday he seemed surer about us, but milestones like those affect everyone differently, and I was wary after everything we had been through.

  Scott had planned to come back mid-March, but I had plans of my own. I felt like I needed to be with him on the year mark. I remembered the year before when I felt like I should have tried to help him, but I just couldn’t as I felt like I had nothing to give. This year was different. I loved him, and I had to come to terms with Jenna, too, so I booked a flight for March fifth.

  As I landed at O’Hare, I became a little nervous. I worried that perhaps he wouldn’t want me with him. Maybe he wanted this to be a day for just him and Jenna, but I knew he would be hurting, and if there was any chance at all he wanted me to help him through it, I would be there for him.

  I drove on autopilot to where it all began. It was weird as I pulled up to my house to see the for sale sign. We had had a few showings, but the winter had been brutal here, and it kind of put a damper on selling it. At least it gave me a place to stay for the next few days.

  Nervously, I walked up the shoveled sidewalk that led to Scott’s side. I noticed my side was shoveled too. I didn’t have to ask who had done it. As I walked, I remembered that first walk I took to his house with dinner. I had no idea what that night would mean to me and how it would change my life. I had no idea I would fall in love with the man on the other side of the wall.

  I took a deep breath and knocked. He didn’t answer right away. Maybe he isn’t home, I thought. Finally I heard some movement, and he opened the door. His face registered pure surprise. “Ava,” he said. Just the way I loved it. I don’t know what it was about the way he said my name, but it moved me.

  I bit my lip nervously. “I thought maybe you could use a friend today.”

  He smiled that perfect smile of his and pulled me to him and shut the door. Neither of us said a word as we stood there embracing one another. After several minutes, he kissed the top of my head. “Have I ever told you how much I love you?”

  “Yes,” I said against his chest. “But feel free to remind me.”

  He looked down at me and cupped my face in his hands. “I love you, Ava.”

  “That’s good news, because I’m pretty crazy about you.”

  He hugged me tightly once more, and then he led me to the couch, where we sat. It was then I noticed he had done a little redecorating of his own. The large wedding photo was no longer above the mantle; in its place was the seascape painting. I tried not to smile when I noticed. But I did smile when I recognized the many pictures of the two of us that were now scattered throughout his house. There were still a couple of small photos of him and Jenna, but I was ok with it. I also noticed all the boxes that were scattered about, so I asked him about them.

  “Well, I thought it was time to finally clear out all of Jenna’s things.”

  I looked at him lovingly. “I know that must be difficult for you.”

  He didn’t really respond. He just tapped my nose and half smiled.

  I reached up and touched his cheek. “What can I do for you today?”

  He thought for a moment. “Will you come to Jenna’s grave with me and then to her parents’ house? I have some things of hers I know they would want.”

  “Are you sure you want me to come?”

  “Yes, Ava. I want you by my side.”

  It was my favorite place to be, so I agreed even though it made me nervous. First, we stopped at the florist and got Jenna’s favorite flowers, purple orchids. It was a quiet affair as we drove to the cemetery. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but emotions were loud. I knew Scott was sorrowful and contemplative, and I didn’t want to intrude on those feelings. I was just going to be a bystander and a leaning post if he needed it and wanted it.

  We trudged our way through the newly fallen snow. Scott held the flowers in one hand and my hand in the other. I noticed he kept touching my ring. Maybe as a reminder, I don’t know. But it was comforting to me all the same. As we approached her grave site, I noticed his pace slowed. I couldn’t even imagine how he must be feeling, but I followed his lead and slowed my own pace.

  He let go of my hand at our destination. Her grave was completely covered by snow. He wiped the snow away with his coat-covered arm and he placed the flowers on the unassuming grave. It was minimalistic, just like her. All it had on it was her name, Jenna Ann Farr (I didn’t realize she never took Scott’s last name) and birthdate of May 18,, 1979 and death date of March 5, 2013. She was too young to die.

  Scott knelt in the snow in front of her grave. He didn’t say anything out loud, but I could see his tears fall, and my heart ached for him. I didn’t know what I should do or what would be appropriate, but I moved forward and gently placed my left hand on his shoulder. He immediately raised his hand and placed it atop of mine and held it. We stood like that for several minutes. The snow began to lightly fall again. Scott looked up to the sky and smiled. I wasn’t sure why, but I didn’t need to know. He stood up, took my hand, kissed my ring, and smiled at me.

  “I love you.” It was all I could think to say.

  He smiled. “I know.”

  We quickly walked back to his car as the snow became heavier. He helped me in and then quickly walked around to his side. When he got in, I could see a physical change in him. He seemed lighter, and when he smiled, it shined in his eyes. He turned toward me and took my face in his icy cold hands. He kissed me once, briefly, on the lips. “Thank you.”

  I smiled in return. As we drove to her parents’ house, we didn’t discuss what he said there silently; I wasn’t e
ven sure I wanted to know. I just wanted him to know I was here for him. We were no longer silent as we drove; I was grateful for the conversation as I was very tense about meeting Jenna’s family, especially under the circumstances. After all, this was a day of mourning for them, too, and I here I was, wearing Scott’s ring. Her family didn’t live too far away from Scott’s parents, but their house was a little more run down, and the neighborhood was shabby.

  As we pulled in front of their house, I turned to Scott. “Do you think I should wait in the car?”

  He smiled at me as he looked down at my left hand. He picked it up and kissed my palm. “Maybe that’s a good idea.”

  I let out a huge sigh of relief. Scott left the car running and the heater on for his southern girl who was freezing. He opened the hatch and retrieved the two boxes. I watched him walk up across the snow-laden yard. I could tell he stood nervously as he waited for the door to open. An older grandmotherly looking woman answered the door. From my vantage point I couldn’t read her expression, but she welcomed Scott in. He didn’t emerge for another thirty minutes. I passed the time by watching the snowflakes melt on the windshield. The time seemed to drag on while I waited. I was happy to see him emerge and walk quickly back to the car.

  Back to me.

  I noticed the woman, who I assumed to be Jenna’s mother, stared out the door at me. I wondered if Scott told her about me. I felt sorry for her. I couldn’t imagine losing a child.

  Scott didn’t say anything to me as he drove off. The only gesture he made was to hold my hand as he drove, which kind of made me nervous as the roads weren’t in the best shape. He seemed out of sorts.