The Boom

by Glenna Maynard

  He takes my hand and kisses my knuckles. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you most,” I say, hoping the crack in my voice doesn’t give my thoughts away.

  “It feels amazing to have you here. People were starting to think you’re a ghost or that I made you up.”

  I shake my head. I know he needs more from me, but how do I give him more without one of us sacrificing everything?

  Tex raises his beer and makes a toast. “To good food, good friends, and Amaya getting her ass where it belongs.”

  “For now,” Court blurts out in a snippy tone.

  “What’s that about?” Tate asks, seeing the look of horror on my face.

  I’ll kill her.

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Looks like more than nothing by your expression. What’s going on?”

  “We’ll talk, later. Okay?”

  He chews his lip and scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, sure.”

  Courtney mouth’s an apology at me but I ignore her. I can’t believe her. I know she wants me happy and thinks I won’t be, without Tate. Sometimes I believe she’s right but then my self-doubt creeps in, and I wonder what if? I hate this. What we’re doing isn’t working and I don’t know how to make things work. I came here hoping to be able to reach a decision. But is it fair of me to decide without getting his perspective and expecting him to go along with what I decide?

  I shovel my food around on my plate pretending to eat. I can’t hide from Tate. He sees through my performance. Maybe I should spend this week treating it like I decided to choose Tate. If things go good, then I’ll know I should let the overseas dream go.

  “Dessert?” Tate asks.

  I shake my head and Courtney drops her fork loudly on her plate. “Amaya, bathroom.”

  “I don’t need to go,” I whisper politely.

  “I’m not asking.” She throws her napkin on the table with a huff.

  I smile at Tate and Tex. “Guess I am going to the bathroom. Excuse me.”

  Tate grabs my hand tight. “Are we okay?”

  “Never better,” I lie.

  I follow Courtney to the bathroom and as soon as we get in the door she spins around and lays into me. “What are you doing, Am?”

  “What are you talking about?” I cross my arms over my chest.

  “You. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Tate loves you. I mean he really loves you, Amaya. The guy would give you the world in the palm of your hands if you asked him to and you are just stringing him along.”

  “I don’t need this shit from you right now. Don’t you think I wish I could give Tate everything he wants. Everything he deserves. I love him!” Tears threaten to spill down my face.

  “Then what are you doing, Amaya?”

  “I don’t know,” I whisper. “I don’t know…”

  “Am,” she whispers softly.

  “I’m not going to make a decision without talking to him first, you know this. That’s why I’m here this week. They want their answer in nine days, I’ve delayed them long enough and they need to know. I owe it to Tate to talk to him about it. If I stay, I’ll still rarely get to see him, Court. He travels almost as much as I do.” When I start to cry, Courtney comes and hugs me. “I love him so much, I don’t want to lose him. But you know this is my dream, it has been since we were kids.”

  “I know, just spend the next few days with just you and Tate, forget about all this, and then talk to him. I’m sure he’ll be understanding, and he’ll help you decide.”

  We redo our faces, and chat for a few minutes before going back out, just to make sure the guys don’t know we’ve been crying.

  **

  I wake up to the sounds of Tate going through drawers. I didn’t think he had anything on for today so I’m confused. “What’s going on?” I ask through a yawn.

  He starts and looks back at me with wide eyes. “Shit, Amaya. Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “Don’t worry about it, I asked what was going on?”

  He smiles so bright I want to jump on him. “I got called to fly to LA tonight, they set me up on some talk show about my career and life. So, I need to hurry up. My plane leaves in two hours.”

  My heart sinks. “When will you be back?” I only have three more days here before I have to be back in San Fran to give over my decision.

  “Just today and tomorrow, I’ll be home day after tomorrow at the latest. And then we still have a full day of just the two of us. I promise. This wasn’t something planned, I got the call at four this morning.”

  This is what I was afraid of. Now on my last day here, I’ll have to let him know, let him know I’m leaving him, and fuck that hurts.

  I put on a fake smile, wishing him luck, giving him a kiss, and go back to bed. Sinking down in the covers, I look at the pictures he has up around the room and I want to cry.

  I could give up my career, my dream for him, but I would always be alone. I love Tate more than anything, but sometimes, love isn’t enough. He’s rushing around now packing, and was he even going to wake me up to tell me?

  He leaves by giving me a quick kiss to the forehead. What on earth was that? I lay in his bed, thinking. Is our relationship really as strong as we thought? He was going to leave without telling me, didn’t really even kiss me goodbye. Hell, he’s barely even made time for me when he isn’t playing games or at practice.

  After thinking for an hour, I roll out of bed and grab my phone, hitting call on my mom’s name.

  “Hey sweetheart, you and Tate having a good week?”

  “Mom.” My voice croaks.

  “What is it? What’s wrong?”

  “I think I’m going to accept the position.”

  “But, what about your father and I? What about you and Tate?”

  “I think Tate and I are breaking up. We’re just too busy in our own lives right now, it’s not working,” I tell her tearfully.

  “Baby,” she whispers. “Does he know? Have you talked to him about this?”

  “No, and I probably won’t have time to now. He left this morning, and if I hadn’t woken up, he wouldn’t have woken me to tell me. He’s just so busy, living his dream. And I can’t ask him to stop living his dream. And mom, I know you and daddy never wanted dance to be my career, but you know how much this is my dream. I’m living it, I’m loving it. And this tour is the next big thing. And now with Tate doing all he wants, never asking for my advice or opinion, I don’t think I owe it to him anymore to ask him for his.”

  I haven’t even gotten to tell him about the weird deliveries and notes I’ve been receiving. I haven’t even told Courtney. But every week, sometimes twice a week, I get a strange gift with some word note, saying it’s my biggest fan. The truth is, I am afraid to tell anyone about them. That makes them more of a threat. If I don’t acknowledge them, maybe they will stop.

  Mom is quiet for a while. “I understand your side sweetie, I do. How about before you head out on this international tour, you come swing by home first, so we can at least say goodbye to you.”

  I think on this a moment, and then agree. “Do you think you could pull some strings to get my ticket changed to tomorrow? I’m not due to leave for another few days, but there is no point in staying, since Tate isn’t here anyway.”

  “Yeah baby, I can do that. I’ll text you to let you know what time to be at the airport tomorrow.”

  “Okay, mom. Thank you. Love you.”

  “Love you too. Bye.”

  I put my phone down beside me on the bed and just simply cry.

  This is it.

  Tate and I are over, and I don’t know how to feel.

  I’m numb.

  Chapter 31

  Tate

  I got home a day earlier than planned and go directly to Amaya. I hate that I was called away from our week together.

  I walk into my place and don’t see her, but I hear noises coming from my bedroom. I smile and go directly there. “Babe,” I say pushing ope
n the door slightly.

  My heart drops when I see her packing already. “What are you doing?”

  She jumps at my voice and turns to me, tears in her eyes. “You’re home early.” Is all she says.

  “What’s going on, Amaya? You’ve been off this week, and what, you were going to leave before I even got home?” My heart is racing, I don’t like this feeling.

  “I got offered a dream come true, and I’ve decided to accept it.”

  “Okay, why couldn’t you just tell me this before? That’s great, I’m happy for you. You know I always wanted to see you achieve everything you’ve ever wanted.”

  “It’s two years, international.”

  My legs give out and I stumble slightly catching the wall before I drop. She’s leaving me. Part of me understands, I’m always so busy. Hell, this week was supposed to be all about us, and instead I’ve been swamped with my own career. She took time from her own career to be with me, and I couldn’t even take a break to be with her. Fuck.

  I feel like I can’t breathe. Two years. Two fucking years. I swipe my hand across the dresser knocking the picture frames to the floor.

  “Tate,” she says hoarsely.

  “Yeah,” I choke out afraid of the words she’s going to say. We both know this isn’t working for either of us. I don’t know what to do or say. I love her but our timing is off. This week was supposed to be special, instead she’s been acting not like herself, then of course, I had to leave for that interview. We’re in different places. Our lives keep heading in different directions. She needs to finish school. I want her to pursue her dream of dancing professional ballet. She’s been so supportive of me making it to pro.

  “This…I can’t do this anymore. I never see you. You never have time to take my calls. Or when I call it’s too late with the time difference. I’m happy for you. I am, and I’m not asking you to change or give anything up. I’d never do that to you. So, I’m asking you to let me go,” she spits the last sentence out with a guttural sob and I lose it.

  I grab her in my arms and hold her tight. We sink to the floor and I kiss her, her tears sliding inside my mouth.

  She kisses me between her sobs, and I know I must give her what she wants…what she needs me to do right now. It’s killing me, but she’s right. We can’t keep doing this to each other.

  “I’m sorry, Amaya. I love you, you’re right, this isn’t working anymore, for either of us,” I say the words that have been haunting me for the past month.

  “I love you too, Tate. I always will.” She cries into my shirt, breaking me apart from the inside out.

  I stroke her back as she clings to me. I’m afraid if I let her go, she’ll disappear altogether.

  “Promise me, you’ll keep in touch. No matter what, I’ll always be here for you. I don’t care what hour or day it is. If you need me, I’ll be there,” I vow. I never knew that love could hurt like this. I feel like someone is raking nails through my veins as I watch her slip away and pray that it isn’t for good. Because one day, when we’re both settled, I know we can find our way back.

  “I promise. As long as you promise the same.” She sobs.

  She kisses me and her lips tremble against mine. This all feels so wrong, but I can’t stop it. I can’t take it back now. This is the last time I’ll be able to make love to my girl, and I’m taking advantage of it right now.

  I kiss her tenderly, taking all that I can. Soaking up every single ounce of her I can to hold onto. I brush her hair back from her face. Unshed tears glitter in her eyes, and I just want to take the pain away from her, from both of us right now.

  Gently, I pull her shirt over her head and unclasp her bra. She lays back on the floor, and I ease her yoga pants down her slender legs, revealing her gorgeous body that belongs to me. It will always be mine. She will always be mine, no matter where life takes her, she’ll be marked by me.

  I shove my pants down, already eager to be inside her.

  I take my time, kissing her all over, from toe to head before we make love. It feels like it’s for the last time, and I have to choke back the urge to tell her “no, that she can’t go.” Instead, I push inside her so damn deep as her legs circle around me.

  As I pump into her, the tears I’ve been holding back fall freely. With my head cradled against her neck, I whisper how much I love her. What I don’t say though, is how much I need her, and I how badly I wish she’d choose me.

  Nothing or no one will ever compare.

  I know she feels it too as she hiccups a sob, saying, “I love you, baby. I love you so much.”

  I’m exhausted by the time I get off, both mentally and physically.

  We get dressed quietly, tears still covering her face.

  “I’ll wait for you, Amaya. Whatever it takes,” I vow and she nods, pulling her rollaway through the door.

  Chapter 32

  Amaya

  Tate wanted to drive me to the airport but I told him no. If I allowed him to I might not have been strong enough to get on this plane. I’m doing this for both of us. That’s what I keep telling myself as I stare blankly out the window, brushing my stray tears away. I love him so much it hurts down in my bones. I’m hurting so damn deep, that I’m not sure I will ever get past this.

  I don’t know what I’m doing. Tate won’t wait for me. He’ll fall in love with some cheerleader or something, and all I will be…is a forgotten memory. A girl he used to bang. Grief floods me as I put my earbuds in and let music take me away.

  I lay my head back and close my eyes. All I can see is Tate’s hurt expression. The tears staining his cheeks. I press my fingers to my lips still feeling our goodbye kiss and wishing I could bottle it up forever. My tears fall steady as rain as I look back on our relationship. I don’t think I will ever have that again. I don’t want it, it hurts too much.

  Fuck love. Fuck Tate King.

  I want to hate him so much right now. I wanted him to chase after me. I wanted him to tell me to stay. I wanted him to get down on one knee and ask me to be his wife. I wanted him to tell me to go off the pill and have his baby. I wanted all that but I didn’t tell him. I should have told him, but we are so young. He’s just getting started in his career. He wouldn’t have the time to dedicate to me and a baby. That would be way too much pressure.

  If Tate wanted those things too, he sure had a funny way of showing me.

  I’m so lost. I feel split in two. And right now, more than anything, I want my mom.

  I need someone, anyone to tell me I did the right thing by getting on this plane. I feel like I just made the biggest mistake of my life, and I’m too proud to change it. I’m too proud to say I’m, sorry. I wanted him to choose me. I wanted him to meet me halfway.

  My mom is waiting for me with her arms wide open when I get out of baggage claim.

  For the first time in a long time, I throw myself into her arms, relishing in her comfort.

  “I feel so lost,” I tell her as she rubs my back.

  “It will work out honey, it always does.”

  I shake my head and pull back, wiping the stray tears that have escaped down my face.

  “Are you hungry?” She asks with a sad smile.

  I shake my head.

  “Oh, my sweet girl, I know it hurts. I know” How could she know? Her and dad have been together since forever, she’s never dated anyone but him. So how could she know? I feel like snapping at her, instead I say nothing. She doesn’t know a damn thing about what I’m feeling.

  We walk to the car, and I get in the passenger side. My dad is working. I can only stay overnight and probably won’t get to see him before I leave. It’s probably better that I don’t. I won’t be good company.

  “Tell me about this tour. You know your father and me will have to cash in our vacation time to come see you. I can’t bear the thought of you so far away.”

  “I know, mom. I’d like that,” I tell her, meaning it.

  “Maybe we can bring Tate?”

  I thump
my head against the window. I almost want to smack her right now.

  She frowns. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I wasn’t thinking. I just can’t picture the two of you not together. You were so in love…”

  “Yeah, we are.” I say are because, I love him so much, I can’t seem to breathe. I know he’s still in love with me, that’s what makes it hurt that much more. We love each other more than life, but it isn’t enough. Nothing is.

  Chapter 33

  Tate

  I’ve been without her for most of my life, but I love her and now that she’s gone, I don’t know how to live without her by my side. I keep checking my phone to see if she’s called. I’m in agony. My world is crashing down all around me. She’s my reason for feeling so alive. Football used to be that for me, guess it should be again. I wanted to share my life with her. I wanted to marry her, but time wasn’t on our side. I stare at her picture on my contact list, my finger is hovering over the call button. But my pride won’t let me give in and call first. I throw my phone across the room and grab my sneakers. Time to hit the gym.

  “Dude you’re pushing too hard. You won’t be worth a shit for the game.”

  “Fuck off!”

  Kent throws his hands up. “Fine, you want to fuck your game up over a woman be my guest. But that shit will cost you.”

  “You don’t know shit, asshole! She wasn’t just a woman, she was mine.”

  “She’s just pussy. Especially if she’s causing you to act like this.”

  “It was a mutual breakup dickwad. She travels for work, just like I do. It’s not the time for us. Does it hurt like hell? Damn right it does. But I needed to let her go so she could be who she is. And if I ever hear you say Amaya is just pussy ever again, I will go to prison for murder.” I glare at Kent and he backs down.

  I go back to the treadmill and push myself harder. I run until my lungs are on fire and my legs are cramping so bad I can hardly walk. I’ll burn her out of my system somehow. If I don’t, I don’t think I’ll survive this.

  I don’t want to live in a world where Amaya isn’t mine. I can’t accept that we are over. We will never be truly over. Someday…she’ll come back to me. I’ll be waiting for her, I always will. There will never be another like her, she’s my one, my only.