Misadventures with My Roommate

by Elizabeth Hayley

“It appears I am, yes. But my own life is clearly even sadder than we both originally thought, so I need to live vicariously.”

  “He wouldn’t even look at my boobs. I mean seriously, what guy turns down an offer like that?”

  “A sweet one,” Celeste replied.

  Blake gave her friend an exaggerated laugh. “That means nothing. Even sweet guys are horny. There’s no logical explanation for why he wouldn’t want to see them other than the hypothesis I just now came up with.”

  “Which is what? He’s gay?” Celeste grabbed Blake’s arm. “Please don’t tell me he’s gay! That’ll be devastating.”

  “He’s not gay,” Blake assured her. “I already asked him that the first day I had to shadow him at work.”

  “Oh. Good,” Celeste said, releasing her grip on Blake’s forearm. “Then what’s your explanation for it?”

  Blake leaned back in her chair and stared out the window of the deli in sadness. “That he has a tiny dick.”

  “What?” Celeste popped a potato chip into her mouth and took a sip of her soda. “That makes no sense.”

  “It’s the only thing that makes sense,” Blake said, turning back to her friend. “Hear me out. He probably felt like if I showed him mine, he’d have to show me his. Otherwise he’d seem like a total perv who just wants to look at women’s boobs all day.”

  “But that was your offer,” Celeste said.

  “I know. But still. I think he would’ve felt obligated to return the favor. Or at least offer to. What other reason would he have to not want to show me? It’s gotta be small. Like microscopic, Celeste. Because guys show their junk to anybody who wants to look. And also to anybody who doesn’t wanna look,” she added as an afterthought. “Remember that guy on the subway who kept flashing people but claimed it wasn’t indecent exposure because he had it covered with a banana peel?”

  Celeste sighed in what Blake identified as defeat. “As much as it pains me to admit it, you might be onto something here.”

  “Thank you,” Blake said, pleased with herself.

  “But that could just mean that he didn’t want you to see his little man in the light. You know…where you could evaluate its size and shape and all that. That logic doesn’t transfer to fucking. All guys fuck if they get the opportunity. Doesn’t matter what they look like or how minuscule their dongs are. If someone offers to fuck them, they fuck. Besides, maybe he grows more than shows.”

  “Maybe you’re right,” Blake admitted.

  “Of course I’m right,” Celeste said. “Every guy fucks.”

  Blake took a look around the diner at the people surrounding them. “Okay,” Blake said. “I’m choosing to believe you only because believing you results in me having sex with Gavin. Who I’m still imagining has a huge cock until I find out otherwise.”

  “Good,” Celeste said. “I’m glad that’s settled.”

  “Me too,” said a partially balding man who’d been sitting on the other side of Celeste at the counter. Blake hadn’t even noticed him until he’d spoken. His rounded shoulders made him look…puffy, and his voice didn’t sound much deeper than her own. He reminded Blake of someone who might’ve worked on Best Buy’s Geek Squad. “But if it doesn’t work out with this Gavin guy,” he said, “give me a call.” Then he stood, and on the way to throw out his trash, he slipped Blake his number on a napkin and added, “Because I fuck too.”

  Blake picked up the napkin at the corner with two fingers like it might have been laced with some sort of drug that would result in her winding up in the trunk of a car with no recollection of how she got there.

  “At least now you have a Plan B,” Celeste said, causing them both to burst out into fits of laughter.

  Chapter Six

  Gavin had been at the coffeehouse for three hours, but it felt like a lot more. Maybe it was that it was during the weekday lull between rush hour and lunchtime—when people were still happily caffeinated from their morning fix and didn’t feel the need to come in until they started fiending for their afternoon pick-me-up. But he’d been working there long enough to be used to the boredom and usually had no problem busying himself with any task he could find: restocking paper products, taking out the trash, doing inventory. He didn’t even mind cleaning bathrooms if it helped pass the time.

  But today he’d done all those things only to find his mind wishing away the hours like a bad herpes outbreak. Not that he’d know what that felt like.

  It wasn’t until ten o’clock when Gavin realized the reason for his urge to speed up time. And that reason was barely over five feet tall and had just walked in wearing a shirt that said Caffeine and Cardio. It occurred to Gavin that he didn’t think Blake even worked out, at least not that he’d seen in the few days they’d been living together. Not that she needed to.

  “You’re late.”

  Gavin looked up from where he’d been filling the straws to see Stu standing at the counter, his hands on his hips as he stared at Blake.

  “Am I?”

  “You are. Three minutes to be exact.”

  “Sorry,” Blake said, and Gavin could tell she was doing her best to seem contrite. Her eyes locked on his for a moment, and she gave him a quick smile before looking back at Stu. “Won’t let it happen again.”

  Stu nodded before pointing out that the other thing she wouldn’t let happen again was wearing a tank top to work.

  “Seriously?” Blake glanced down at her shirt. “It says ‘Caffeine’ though. This is a coffee shop. I’m practically a mascot for the place today. You should be giving me a raise, not reprimanding me.”

  Gavin tried to hide his laugh.

  “Shirts without sleeves are out of dress code,” Stu said.

  “Oh. Is this in a manual somewhere or something?” Blake asked.

  “Yes. It’s in the one I gave you when I hired you, but I’m guessing you didn’t read it. You can take one of the shirts we sell, and I’ll just take the money for it out of your paycheck.”

  “’Kay,” Blake said with a sigh before putting her bag under the cabinet below the counter and heading over to the wooden shelving unit that housed the coffee shop’s apparel.

  Gavin walked over and stood next to her. “Sup?” he said before he could stop himself from asking something so dumb.

  “Oh, nothin’ much,” Blake answered. “Just trying to choose which thirty-two-dollar T-shirt I’d like to buy.”

  Gavin put his hands in his pockets and looked at the selection. “I say get the blue. Can’t go wrong with a color that matches your eyes,” he said.

  “I thought I couldn’t go wrong with a shirt that advertised caffeine either, but now I’m paying thirty-two dollars for it.”

  Gavin turned away from the clothing to face her. “Well, if it helps, I like it.” He wanted to tell her that one of the reasons he liked it was that the words drew more attention to her chest without making him seem like a complete perv for looking at it. A chest that he’d, by some miracle, been able to decline seeing when she’d offered a few nights ago. He hadn’t wanted to seem like some middle school boy who jumped at the chance to see some girl’s tits. But he’d be kidding himself if he pretended he wasn’t interested. And not only in Blake’s body. But in her. She was funny and confident and open. Yet she also had a sort of mystery about her that made Gavin want to see what made her tick.

  “Thanks,” she said with a small smile before reaching for a small baby-blue T-shirt.

  “Oh wait,” Gavin said, holding up a finger and already walking backward as he spoke. “I just remembered I have an extra T-shirt in my car.”

  “Oh my God, Gavin. You’re a lifesaver,” she called as he exited the store.

  He tried not to think dirty thoughts about what it was like to hear Blake say, “Oh my God, Gavin,” but he couldn’t help it. She was cute and seemed to be more comfortable with her sexuality than most of the women he’d been around. Gavin grabbed the shirt from his bag and shut the trunk of his car. When he got back inside, she was coming
back from clocking in. “Here you go,” he said, handing her the shirt. “Sorry. It’s a little big.” He held up the red shirt to her torso and saw that it came down to her midthigh. “Or maybe a lot big.”

  She looked down. “But it also has a heart on it and says, ‘I tolerate you.’” She gave him a warm smile. “It’s perfect.”

  A few minutes later, she came out of the bathroom with her sleeves rolled and the bottom of her shirt tied to the side so it fit snugly around her waist. “Do you care that I tied it like this?” she asked. “It might stretch it.”

  “Nope. I’ve only worn it like one time or something. I keep it in the car for emergencies.”

  Blake laughed. “Are there lots of T-shirt emergencies?”

  Gavin rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess only ones when pretty roommates choose the wrong outfit for their shift.”

  Blake smiled at him, but her gaze dropped away from his for a moment. “Well, thanks. For the shirt and the compliment,” she said.

  “My pleasure. Glad it went to good use. My college roommate gave it to me as a joke at the end of our freshman year.”

  “You went to college?” Blake asked, and Gavin didn’t know whether to be offended that she couldn’t believe he’d attended any type of higher education or flattered that he didn’t seem like the type to.

  “Went, yes. Graduated, no,” he clarified.

  Blake grabbed an apron from behind the counter and tied it around her waist. “Why?”

  “Why did I go, or why didn’t I graduate?”

  She thought for a moment. “Both.”

  Gavin shrugged. It was a complicated answer, but he chose to make it as simple as possible. “I went because that’s what my parents expected me to do, and I dropped out because I shouldn’t have ever gone to begin with.”

  “Shit, really? Were your parents pissed?”

  “Pissed would probably be an understatement,” he said. He noticed a customer walk up to the counter and look at the menu board. He gave a nod toward the woman so Blake saw her too, and then they both headed over. Though Blake had picked up on mostly everything once she’d given it a little effort, she continued to shadow Gavin as Stu had asked her to. And Gavin was happy to have the company.

  “What can we get for you?” Blake asked the woman.

  “I’m not sure,” she said. She looked to be about the same age and size as Blake but seemed to be her opposite in every other way. The girl looked like she smiled all the time, which highlighted the freckles sprinkled over her cheekbones, and her strawberry-blond hair was pulled up into a high ponytail. Something told him Blake would never be caught dead in a high ponytail. “What would you recommend?” Her question was clearly directed at Gavin and was said in such a bubbly voice he almost laughed.

  “Um, I don’t know.” It wasn’t that he’d never been asked for a recommendation before, and he was comfortable giving them. But most of the time when someone asked the barista for a suggestion, the person gave some sort of indication as to what they were looking for—an afternoon boost that wasn’t too heavy or some sort of cold coffee with a hint of sweetness. “Were you thinking of getting coffee or something else?”

  “Either,” she answered. “But I don’t want something that’s too high in calories.” Somehow she managed to smile even wider, and Gavin could’ve sworn he saw her bat her eyelashes more times than were probably necessary. “Don’t want to lose my bikini body.” She laughed at her own comment.

  “Have you tried the sweet cream cold brew?” Blake asked. “You can add a flavor to it. Vanilla, mocha, caramel, whatever you like.”

  Gavin hadn’t expected Blake to suggest a drink, but now that she had, he knew why. Their sweet cream cold brew was high in fat and not exactly light on calories, especially if the woman chose to add some sort of flavored syrup to it.

  “I haven’t,” the customer said. “Do you like it?” she asked Gavin.

  Gavin looked to Blake, who was leaning her head in her palm as she rested her elbow on the high countertop nearby. “Yeah, Gavin. What do you think? Should she get the sweet cream cold brew?”

  Blake’s devious smile made Gavin turn up a side of his lip as well. “Yeah, it’s good,” he said once his gaze had returned to the woman in front of him. “I like it with vanilla and caramel.”

  “That sounds good,” she said. “I’ll take a medium one of those. My name’s Sami, by the way.”

  “Oh,” Gavin said as he rung her up. “We don’t take names here. We just go by the number on your receipt. And that’ll be four nineteen.”

  She slid her card through the reader and punched in her code.

  Gavin handed her the receipt and told her it would be ready in a minute and delivered at the other end of the counter.

  A few minutes later, Gavin handed the woman her drink, and she left, telling him she’d see him later. He wasn’t sure if that was a polite goodbye or a literal statement of her intentions, but he tried not to think about it.

  Once the woman was gone, Blake spoke. “Nice one recommending two flavors instead of one. I’m impressed. I didn’t think you had it in ya.”

  “You guys are horrible,” Maddie said before Gavin had the chance to reply. He hadn’t even realized she’d been behind the counter.

  Gavin kind of agreed with her, but Blake was quick to defend them. “Why? That kind woman asked for a drink recommendation, so we suggested one. We were being helpful.”

  Maddie scoffed. “Please. You told her to get something that has like four hundred calories in it when she told you she was watching her caloric intake.”

  Blake squared her shoulders at Maddie and crossed her arms. “Well, the lie detector determined that was a lie.”

  Gavin laughed at the allusion to Maury, but the joke had clearly missed its mark on Maddie, who looked puzzled. “What are you talking about? What lie detector?”

  Blake shook her head. “Never mind. I meant I know she was lying about counting calories. She has a great body, and anyone who’s truly counting calories would’ve known that drink had a shit ton of them in there, even if she didn’t know the exact number. She’ll be fine.”

  “You can’t mess with a customer like that just because she had a thing for Gavin. It’s wrong. And if you do it again, I’m telling Stu.”

  “Snitches get stitches,” Blake said.

  “Clever saying. Did you make that up?”

  Blake stared at her for a moment before saying, “I didn’t come up with it. Jesus. You’re not even any fun to threaten.”

  “Wait, you’re threatening me?” Maddie asked.

  “Why? You gonna tell Stu if I am?” Blake glared, and Gavin sensed the shift in her. The imposing presence that made her intimidating despite her small stature.

  Blake’s glare seemed to make Maddie think about her response. “Let’s all just get back to work,” she said before turning and walking toward the Keurig cups to continue stocking them.

  * * *

  “I think you might’ve actually scared her at the end there,” Gavin said once Maddie was far enough away from them that she couldn’t hear.

  Blake looked over at her. “You think? She’s like five-foot-ten and probably has thirty pounds on me. Besides, I doubt she thought I would actually hit her or anything.”

  “You wouldn’t?” Gavin asked, his eyebrow raised like he didn’t believe her for a second.

  “Of course not. I’m trying to keep this job, not lose it. I was intentionally vague for a reason.”

  “You told her ‘Snitches get stitches,’” he said with a laugh.

  It was a valid point. “That’s true. But people can end up with stitches for a number of reasons that don’t include me punching her.”

  “Like…?” he asked, drawing out the word as a way of proving his point.

  “I don’t know,” Blake said. “Like…getting their wisdom teeth taken out?”

  “You’re going to remove Maddie’s wisdom teeth if she tells on you?”

  His comme
nt made Blake laugh out loud. “Okay, I admit that sounds strange. Maybe she’ll trip on her way out of Stu’s office and bite her tongue. They’ll have to stitch it back together, but it’ll still keep her from ever talking again.”

  Gavin leaned against the counter and put his hands on the edge, making his biceps somehow fill the sleeves of his black T-shirt a bit more than they did already. He cocked his head to the side, clearly amused. “Oh, okay. That’s much more plausible. So Karma is the one giving her the stitches, not you.”

  “Exactly,” Blake said with a smile. “Karma’s the bitch, not me.”

  Gavin nodded before pushing off the counter. “I totally get it now. And speaking of Stu, we better get back to work. He’ll have our asses if he sees us standing around like this.”

  “’Kay,” Blake said. “I definitely don’t want anyone else having your ass before I get to.” She walked around to the other side of the counter and began to innocently look through the packaging dates of some of the cookies and muffins.

  “You want my ass?” Gavin asked, but Blake did her best to keep a straight face without looking up.

  She took a few more cellophane-wrapped cookies out of the basket and set them aside. “Do we just throw these away after forty-eight hours?” she asked, holding up an oatmeal raisin.

  “Yes,” he answered. And then, “What were you thinking of doing with it?”

  “I’m sure there are homeless shelters that would love to have some.”

  “Of my ass?” he asked, and this time, Blake’s head popped up in surprise.

  “No, not your ass! This food! Why would homeless people want some of your ass?”

  “They wouldn’t. That’s why…I was wondering what you…” Gavin couldn’t seem to finish a cohesive thought. Instead he rubbed his hand through his hair in a way that resembled a confused puppy. It was fun to watch. Finally he sighed as he seemed to get his thoughts together. “You said that Stu better not have my ass before you, and then you started talking about cookies, but I wasn’t talking about cookies. I was still talking about my ass, and…I know that sounds weird,” he said with a shake of his head. “And now I’m rambling and… Jesus, it was just an odd thing to say, I guess. That you wanted my ass, so I was asking what you wanted to do with it.”