by Amy DeMeritt
“Pity, because that’s the only way you’ll find out what happened.” She starts to walk away. “Tina, stop. You owe me answers. I shouldn’t have to fight for them.” She turns back to look at me with a smug grin. “You’re a fighter, Jordan. That’s what we do – we fight through life.” I shake my head. “No, I don’t want to live like that anymore. I want to live life to experience it, not fight it.”
“Then stop dreaming about it and do it.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Damn it, Tina, get back here!”
Tina just keeps walking away. I call out to her again, but she doesn’t look back. Just as I’m about to run after her, I hear my name behind me.
“Jordan?” Oh, that sweet velvety voice that could easily heal the wounds of four score and ten soldiers if laid upon them. I turn and see Alex standing there looking very concerned. “What’s wrong?” I feel the tears prickle at my eyes and Alex steps forward, pressing her cool soft palm against my cheek. “Jordan, what happened?”
“Will you be disappointed if we don’t go to the gym tonight?” She smiles affectionately and shakes her head. “No, not at all. Let’s go inside.” She takes my hand and leads me up to my apartment.
When we get inside, I tell Alex what happened and then I send Callie a text to let her know I’m not coming to the gym and explain again what happened with Tina.
Callie: Damn, fucking bitch. Don’t go anywhere. I’m going to find her, even if she leaves town.
Me: Please don’t do anything stupid, Callie. It’s not worth it.
Callie: I’ll be fine. Just rest.
I sit down on my couch, lean my head back, and groan. “Alex, do you think I should have fought her to find out what happened with that missing day?”
“No, Jordan. There’s always more than one way to fight for the things that we want in life. There’s no guarantee she’ll tell you anything if you fight her, and you may end up badly hurt in the process. Instead, fight with your own memory. Dig deep inside to uncover what happened.”
“I’ve tried to remember something, anything, but I just can’t.”
“Come here.” Alex pulls me down to lay on my back with my head in her lap. “Do you really want to remember or are you maybe suppressing it?”
“I guess it’s possible since I had suppressed my memories of using my imagination as a kid. I just want to run away to the circus right now.” Alex frowns and presses her hand against my cheek and runs her other hand through my hair soothingly. Her gentle caring touch eases the panic in my chest. “Jordan, you can’t run away to the circus when life gets tough. You have to fight through the muck and dark moments so you can fully enjoy the incredible moments. Running away to the circus should be a treat for bearing through the hard times, not an escape from them. Dreaming of grander things is fine, but only if you do it while you continue to live. You have to choose to live above all else, Jordan.”
“Have you ever tried to escape from something hard or terrifying in your life?” She nods and brushes her fingers down my cheek and then brushes her thumb across my cheekbone before resting her whole hand there again. “When I was sixteen, I was in a really bad car accident with a couple friends. I was alone in the back seat and my two best friends were in the front. We were stopped at a red light and one of those big rig eighteen wheelers came barreling through the intersection and ran right into the driver’s side of our car. The speed he was going made the car basically fold in half. The front half of the car, where my friends were, got completely crushed under the wheels. My half of the car was sent under the tractor trailer and only got banged up a bit as we all skidded across the highway till the truck collided with one of those thick steel powerline poles. I had a lot of cuts and scrapes from debris flying around, but was otherwise ok. I unbuckled and was able to squeeze out of the wreckage. I could just make out through the mangled mess of the car that my friends were dead. I broke down in the middle of the highway in hysterics. At least a dozen people that had seen the accident came rushing out of their vehicles. I was the only survivor. I later found out that the driver of the truck had a stroke while he was driving and probably died just before the impact. I was so in shock from the accident that I was in a comatose state for weeks. I had stopped living. I wouldn’t go anywhere or do anything. I wouldn’t even speak. I just couldn’t.”
“That sounds absolutely terrifying and sad. How did you break free from that shocked state and move on from something like that?” I sit up and wipe a couple tears from her eyes and Alex takes my hand in hers. “One day, I was sitting outside looking at myself in the mirror surface of a pond and it started to rain.” She smiles and I understand. “You broke your own reflection?” She nods. “I stopped looking at me and I started looking at life.”
“But I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing for the past week and a half, examining life. So, why can’t I figure this out?”
“You will. While examining life, have you figured out what you want from it?”
“Yeah, all of it. I want to experience all those little things that I haven’t paid enough attention to. I want to travel and see what else is out there. I want to allow myself to be more than I have seen myself previously. I don’t have any major ‘flip life on its head’ type of goals; I just want to experience life completely.”
“So, are you ready to stop running away and start living?” I look at her confused and panic starts to creep back into my veins. “Tina said something like that before she walked away from me.” She places a hand on my cheek again and looks in my eyes with her beautiful seafoam green eyes. “Jordan, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here by your side while you try to figure this out.”
“Thank you, because I really don’t think I can figure this out without you. Do you want some tea or something?” She smiles and nods. When I stand up, she stands and walks with me to my kitchen. While the water is heating up on the stove, I lean against the counter across from Alex and she regards me with a gentle smile. “I never told anyone how I was able to start living again. You’re the only person I told about that.”
“Why did you tell me?”
“Because, I feel like I can tell you anything, but also because I feel like it could help you by knowing.”
“I think it will help, if I can just figure out how to break that reflection so I can see beneath the surface.”
“You’ll figure it out.”
After the tea is made, we go sit on my balcony. I sit down on the cushioned chair and I smile seeing the blue forget-me-nots that we bought this past weekend are glowing nicely against the cool evening night sky. Alex reaches over and takes my hand in hers and my smile broadens. She entwines her fingers with mine and I wonder in awe at how perfectly our hands seem to fit together, as if they were made to be united like this.
Chapter Six
I didn’t warn her I was coming and I didn’t give her my usual warning tap on her office doorway. I just walk into her office and sit down across from Alex at her desk. She looks up from her computer and smiles. “Hey, how’s your morning going so far?”
“We’re running some updates to the programs we use so I can’t do anything for a while. Are you busy?” She smiles and shakes her head. “I have stuff to do, but it can wait. I was actually just getting ready to message you because I saw something funny this morning that I wanted to tell you about. It made me think of you.” I smile and lean forward slightly. “Yeah?”
“When I was driving into work, I ended up getting stuck at a light for about ten minutes while this long train of ducks and baby ducks walked across the four-lane highway. It was amazing. I couldn’t help but smile and think of you.”
“That’s cute, but why would that make you think of me?”
“Well, it reminded me of this journey you’re on. It was like seeing all the little bits of you crossing the street, crossing from what you know now, over to new possibilities. You have these strong solid parts of you that you have always known and have always existe
d, but then you have all these little precious pieces of you that need nurturing and protection while they grow into stronger parts of your person. Soon, after much care and attention, those smaller parts of you will be fully grown and join your flock to fly away to the life you were always meant to live.”
“You saw all of that just by watching a family of ducks cross a street? That’s incredible. I love how you see life, Alex. I think something like that would have just made me smile and laugh. I don’t think I would have seen any symbolic meaning in it.” Alex smiles and then tilts her head to the side to regard me for a moment. “Why do you like that purple flower weed in the alley behind your gym so much?”
“It’s comforting and uplifts my mood or something.”
“Why? Examine the feeling deeper; go below the surface of the emotion and see what the image stirs in your mind to cause the emotion.”
“You really shouldn’t be in accounting. Ok, let me think. I love the city, but I have never liked the back alleys. Alleys are where the garbage is kept and the prime location for some very unsavory activities. To me, alleys represent the worst of the filth we create as humans. That weed somehow found its way up through a small crack in the asphalt that was laid to try and choke out all natural life from that alley. It’s like Mother Nature reminding us again that she won’t be buried and suppressed. She’ll always find a way to break free of the bonds we place on her. And even when we’re head deep in filth, she’ll always paint her beauty on it.”
“An alley can also represent limited possibilities. Alleys are small streets and many times lead to a dead end. So, your distaste for them could be more of the restrictions they represent and less of the filth they tend to contain. Most people consider weeds a nuisance and the ugly defiance of Mother Nature to not be tamed and manicured, but when you see the weed, you see possibility and beauty. Maybe the reason that particular scene comforts you is because it calls you to claim a bit defiance against the strict patterns you set in your life. It reminds you that you are a natural creature that shouldn’t be caged and limited to a set way of life and so few experiences.”
“See, that’s why you’re so amazing. You’re able to internalize something that doesn’t seem personal at all. You can take something detached from you and make it a part of you. Or rather me since we’re talking about me at the moment.”
“Try not to view yourself as detached from the world. Try to see yourself as part of the delicate weave of space and time. Look at that vine that grew up out of the crack and wrapped itself around the drainpipe in your alley. The vine defied the odds to grow at all, but it then used its surroundings to support itself. If the vine grew along the ground, it may have been trampled and destroyed, but it chose to climb skyward in the direction of open possibility and freedom.”
“Doc Shaman, you really are a mystic. I need to get you a robe made of silk and dyed every possible color in a dreamy swirling pattern.” Alex laughs and shakes her head. “Sounds like you’re trying to dress me like a gypsy.”
“You would be a cute gypsy. You already have those amazing mystical eyes. I could see you twirling around with silken robes and bells on your fingers dancing to the music of a lyre and a flute.” Alex laughs and her eyes sparkle with happiness. “That could be fun. I’ve always secretly wanted to be one of those people at the Renaissance fairs that dress up and act like they’re from a different era. It makes me laugh to see them, but I think it would be fun to get completely out of character for a day and pretend to be someone else.” Imagining her in costume and using old English makes me laugh a little and plasters a huge smile on my face. The romantic soliloquies of Shakespeare would sound so beautiful and hypnotizing in her sweet velvety voice.
“Do you want to go for a walk with me tonight?” She smiles and nods. “Yeah, we can try to do that, if the weather holds up. We’re supposed to have bad thunderstorms tonight, so we may have to try a walk another night.”
“Oh yeah? I love to sit in front of the sliding glass door to my balcony and watch the rain and storms outside. I know it’s probably not a safe practice, but it’s just so beautiful to watch.”
“Sounds nice. I’ve always loved to watch a good storm. When I was a kid, I would pretend to be a storm chaser and give live updates to my parents as I ran from window to window watching the rain, lightning, and sometimes hail.”
“That’s so adorable. If we’re not able to go for a walk, do you want to watch the storm with me?”
“Yeah, that would be nice.”
“Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. Alex, I need your assistance with something. Do you have a few minutes?” A timid woman on her team is standing awkward in the doorframe so I stand up to leave. “She’s all yours. Talk to you later.”
It’s amazing how every time I talk to Alex, I feel like I’m talking to the person that has been holding the key to “me”. I feel as if at birth my heart was locked and my key was taken and placed in her heart to hold till we met. And now, she’s using that key to reach inside me and pull out what I’ve been suppressing or hiding from and helping me to see the beauty I’ve been missing. I’ve never had someone like her in my life before.
When I get back to my desk, the updates on my system have finished so I get to work on some software maintenance I need to do. While I’m working, a thought occurs to me and I smile. Alex is truly amazing that she would inspire such a thought as this. I’ve always put so much time and work into maintaining and grooming my skills with computers and boxing, but I’ve neglected the maintenance and grooming of my inner self. I’ve only been observing myself from the outside like a user would observe a program. Someone using a program doesn’t see all the coding, frames, and designs that go into making the “surface” appear the way it does. Since I haven’t been doing maintenance internally, I haven’t been able to see the full extent and complexity of “me”.
A couple hours later, after I have finished the maintenance I need to do, I get a text from Callie asking if I can have lunch with her today. I’ve been eating lunch with Alex every day since she started, but she has an appointment this afternoon and won’t be able to do lunch today. I actually haven’t seen Callie in a couple days so I’m excited to see her. Callie may not be able to help me analyze myself as deeply as Alex or teach me all the wonders of the universe like Alex, but she knows how to make me laugh and makes me feel cared for.
I’m meeting Callie at the stir fry and ramen place near my work. When I pull into the parking lot, she’s already there standing outside waiting for me. I quickly park and walk across the lot. The shirt she’s wearing makes me smile. She’s wearing a tank top with a picture of a giant koi jumping out of the water. The water has countless circling ripples around the fishes exit spot.
“I love your top. Is that new?” Callie looks down at her top and then back at me. “Yeah, I don’t know why, but it just spoke to me.”
“Doing any soul searching lately?” She looks at me with a curious grin. “What?”
“Never mind. Come on, I’m starving.”
The restaurant is busy with being in the peak of their lunch rush, but we’re lucky enough to find a table along the windows after we order our food at the counter.
“I haven’t been able to track Tina down yet. Have you seen or heard from her since the other day?”
“No, and honestly, I don’t want to. Callie, stop looking. I’m going to try to figure this out myself.”
“Don’t you want to pay her back for whatever evil shit she put you through? That palooka needs to be schooled and I’m more than willing to beat some education into her.” I laugh at the palooka jab. A palooka is a term used for a “green” or incompetent boxer. It’s considered a big insult and is kind of the equivalent of someone calling me a guinea-wop because I’m Italian. “Tina is far from a palooka, Callie. You may be better than her, but I don’t think I could take her.”
“You train with me, so yes you could. Anyway, I’ll stop hunting her if that’s really what you want. What�
�s your plan for trying to figure out what happened?”
“I guess I’m going to try and figure out what her ‘hauntings’ mean. I keep having this dream about a match with her that never happened. Maybe if I can get to the end of the match, something will spark my memory.”
“Yeah, if the dream keeps reoccurring, then you definitely need to try and focus on that. It must mean something.”
“I’m not sure I want to know.” Callie looks at me with pinched eyebrows and pursed lips. “Pixie, having a missing day is not acceptable. No matter how hard it is to face, you better fucking face it. After you know the truth, then we can work on whatever healing you’ll need from knowing.”
“You think it’s going to be that bad?”
“Yeah, I do. Tina is a crazy bitch and I can’t believe you ever dated her, even if it was only for a few months.”
“That’s definitely a time I don’t want to think about.”
“What’s with you? I’ve never known you to run away from a fight or something difficult? You always face everything head on. Even when you know you should back down, you don’t.”
“I always thought so too, but lately I feel like that’s all I’ve ever been doing – running and hiding.” She looks at me confused. “What do you mean?”
“I thought that being a boxer meant I was bold and took risks. I recently realized I’ve only been being bold and pushing my limits with my physical wellbeing. I never really push the limits with my mind or life on a simpler level. I’ve literally boxed my way into a box.”
“I’ve never seen you as one dimensional, but I agree that boxing has been holding you back. I like training with you and I think you’re a hell of a fighter, but I’ve always felt like it’s not something you really want to do.”
“I thought it was, but I think I just got comfortable. I think I was scared of change or something. I guess I was a little scared that if I stopped then I would have to prove my strength in other ways. You know I hate to feel vulnerable or feel like I’m easy pickings. As a boxer, I received respect and people viewed me as a threat not to mess with. If I’m not a fighter anymore, it takes away that edge I have. All that’s left is this small short girl that people will see as a push over or easy target. It just seems harder to prove you’re tough when you’re not regularly in a ring showing it.”