It became a small child’s birthday party. All about Brian. He blew out his candles. Opened his presents and beamed at all of the attention. I could only shake my head. The boy was already on overload. The coming sugar high was going to put him into overdrive.
He opened each present, thanking us, then opened Kevin’s and smiled from ear to ear. Kevin had bought a simple Dump Truck. The perfect gift for a three-year-old boy. Within minutes, Kevin was crawling around in Katie’s flower bed, building a fortress.
The afternoon sun sank slowly, giving the air a quick chill.
“Maybe we should move inside,” Katie said as she started gathering plates.
“Oh, Mommy,” Brian complained. “ten minutes,”
She laughed and nodded, “Ten minutes, then inside. You can play with your new toys in your room.”
Brian frowned but nodded. He well knew it was the best deal he was going to get.
“I think I should probably get going,” Kevin said. “I’ve got to catch a ferry and need to call an Uber.”
My heart fell. We hadn’t had a chance to talk. Not really talk. No alone time. Once again, it was as if Kevin couldn’t get away from me fast enough.
Scott frowned. “Why don’t you crash here, I’ll take you down to the ferry tomorrow. We’ve got a couple of guest rooms. Mattie stays with us all the time.”
Kevin hesitated, I could see him trying to figure out if it was a good idea or not. I held my breath, afraid if I said the wrong thing he might leave.
“Come on man,” Scott said putting his arm around him. “You and I need to get drunk and howl at the moon.”
Katie scoffed, “Actually Scott, you need to do the dishes while I get Brian ready for bed. And of course, Kevin is staying the night.”
Smiling at Kevin, Katie slipped her arm into his and took him off to show him where he would be staying. My insides relaxed. It wasn’t over yet.
After we cleaned up, we all settled into the living room. Scott lit the fireplace and Katie settled Brian down next to her, shooting me a look that let me know he’d be asleep in minutes.
Shortly, everyone was wrapped up in each other’s life. As usual the talk revolved around football, computers, cars, or Hailey’s nursing school. Casey’s business courses and my Accounting stuff didn’t qualify as interesting enough to talk about.
Sitting back, I watched my friends. Every so often, I’d glance at Kevin across the room on the couch. A beer in his hand and a strange look in his eyes. What was wrong? I wondered as I watched him follow the conversation.
I continued to study him. This man that I had known so well. Before, I could practically read his mind with just a look. But no longer. That special skill had disappeared along with any hope of us.
Something was bothering him. Something deep in his gut that he might not even be aware of. Then it hit me. We were talking about our recent past and near future. Talking about what we were learning. What we had done. Young people passionate about what they did. But what of Kevin. What could he talk about that we could even relate to? How could he talk about killing and the constant fear of being killed, to people like us?
He is an outsider, I realized. He would always be different. See the world differently than the rest of us.
Kevin glanced up and caught me studying him. I grinned and tried to let him know I understood. He smiled slightly as he stared at me. Our eyes communicating just like they used too. And for a moment, I saw that he knew that I understood what he was feeling.
He smiled, then he sent a chill through me as he scratched above his left eye. Our signal. The silent request to get away and be just the two of us.
My heart raced as I tried to understand if I had actually seen what I thought I saw. Kevin smiled and did it again.
I gulped and looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Seeing that everyone was oblivious, I nodded just slightly. Kevin fought to hide his grin as he worked to get up out of the deep couch.
“If it is alright,” Kevin said as he leaned on his cane. “I need to take a walk, get some fresh air. My knee stiffens up if I sit too long.”
Katie frowned, obviously upset, probably worrying about whether she was being a good hostess. “Do you want …”
“I’ll go with you,” I said before anyone could offer to tag along.
Scott shot me a quick frown as he tried to understand what was going on.
“I need to walk off some of that cake,” I added.
“Cake,” Brian moaned from his slumber.
Everyone laughed, even fast asleep, my nephew was the life of the party.
Kevin shot me a quick look, silently telling me to lead the way.
I took a deep breath and made a point of not looking at Hailey or Casey. I knew the knowing smirks I’d get. I also knew that I was probably breaking a dozen different ex-boyfriend rules. But my heart didn’t care. Kevin had given me our signal. If he wanted to be alone, he wouldn’t have asked me to join him.
As he moved around me to open the front door, I took in his aftershave. It was different than in high school. A musky scent with a touch of smoky leather. My insides turned over. When had he changed? Had some girl given him this new cologne? This isn’t the same Kevin I reminded myself.
Shooting me a quick smile, he opened the door while his hand touched the small of my back.
A shiver ran up and down my spine. Even after all these years, the man could still make my body react.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped out into the night. Kevin let out a long sigh. As if he had reached somewhere safe.
“Your friends are nice, And both Scott and Katie are just the same. The best people in the world. I just needed a break. I get all antsy sometimes,” he said as we started down the sidewalk.
I nodded, “I understand. I imagine it must be a lot different from what you are used too.”
He smiled at me, that smile that told me I had hit the mark.
“Austin used to be like that sometimes,” I said.
He frowned, waiting for an explanation.
“He grew up on the streets. Literally. For the longest time, he couldn’t be in a room unless he had two exits mapped out. Casey told me once that even now, he gets nervous if he sees a police car.”
Kevin nodded as he looked off into the distance. I wondered what he was thinking about. What horrors were haunting him.
“It’s hard to explain,” he said, still looking far away.
“That’s okay,” I said, placing my hand on his arm. “You don’t have to explain. You don’t have to worry about us. You do whatever you need to do.”
He stopped and turned to look at me, his eyes probing mine. “I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it. Not yet. But if there was anyone I ever could talk to, it would be you.”
My heart melted as I looked up into his eyes. Kevin Hays. What had happened to this man and how could I ever make it right?
We continued to stare at each other. There was no longer any chance of an us, I realized. But that didn’t stop me, without really thinking it through, I stretched up on my toes and kissed him. My mind whirled with doubt and fear, but I couldn’t stop myself. This was Kevin, my Kevin.
Chapter Four
Kevin
Mattie’s lips tasted of heaven just as I remembered. A thousand dark and lonely nights I had thought of this happening again. Thought about what it would be like to hold her in my arms again. Grieved for the loss. Cursed and pleaded with a dozen different Gods for this moment.
Sighing, I wrapped my free arm around her waist and pulled her in tight. My Mattie, I thought as we kissed. This will never work, I realized with regret. But that didn’t stop me from soaking up all of the sweetness known as Mattie James.
She moved to get closer and I my knee started to give way.
Cursing under my breath, I shifted to regain my balance. A not so subtle reminder of just how she deserved more. What was I thinking? There was no future for us. And the one thing I knew to the depths of my being. Matt
ie deserved everything she ever wanted. And a busted up Marine with no future was not on that list.
Mattie backed off, her eyes as big as a frightened doe’s. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
I laughed desperately trying to hide how much she had touched me. “That’s okay. I’m used to being attacked by women. I’ve just got to learn to set this third leg better.”
Her face turned crimson, “I’m sorry,” she said again. “I don’t know…”
“Mattie,” I said as I gently rubbed her arm. “I was teasing. You did what I didn’t have the courage to do. I was too afraid. But it needed to happen. We had to know.”
She smiled slightly, “And what did we discover?”
I laughed. “We discovered, that you are still the sexiest woman to ever live.”
She blushed again, looking down at her shoes for a second before she could look up at me again.
“And,” I continued. “It seems to me, that you might feel the same way about me.”
A small smile fought to break out, but she didn’t deny it. My heart raced as I looked down into that angelic face that I had always loved. The sweet smell of her jasmine perfume held me under a spell, her spell.
“But…” I began as a heaviness filled me.
“But?” she asked as a cloud passed behind her eyes. A look of doubt and fear.
“But,” I continued. “We are headed in two different directions. You, graduation, home to Nebraska. Me, I don’t know. If I get kicked out of the Corps. I have no idea what I’m going to do. No idea where I will go.”
She frowned. “Who said anything about forever. We aren’t kids anymore.”
I frowned as my heart broke. “Mattie, you are a forever type girl. You always have been. You deserve the best. Me, I was born under a wandering star. There is something deep down inside of me that needs to find something. I don’t know what. God, I wish I knew what I was looking for. But I don’t and I think I can only find it on the road.”
Mattie looked at me for a long minute. Studying me like a prized bull at the county fair. Judging, weighing, critiquing. Then, as if she had come up with a final result, she leaned forward and said, “No.”
Taken aback, I asked what she meant.
She shook her head. “I’m not letting you break up with me before we are even together. Even if we aren’t together that way. I won’t let you walk out of my life. Not this time. No word. No goodbye. Always wondering where you are or if you’re okay. No, not this time.”
My eyebrows shot up as I tried to figure out what she was saying. Seeing my confusion. She patted my arm and shook her head as if she were explaining things to a dunce.
“This time, If we part ways. It will be as friends. This hotness between us can be put to the side. But I will not lose my friend again. With no idea where you are or what you are doing.”
I continued to stare at her, unable to figure out how this could ever work.
She smiled at me and said, “Kevin, I don’t understand the ex-boyfriend rules. I never have. All I know is that I don’t ever want to be afraid of giving you a hug. I want you to be able to talk to me without having to worry about scaring me away. In other words friends.”
I stared down at her as I tried to process all the ramifications. She was right. The thought of losing my friend again was terrifying. I had lost too many friends over this last year. I couldn’t lose Mattie as well.
Sighing, I nodded my head. “Okay, then, friends it is. But, I’ve got to tell you. It’s not going to be easy. I keep remembering the bluffs at home and the back of my pick-up.”
She blushed and said, “Oh, so romantic.”
“Hey, to me it was the most romantic thing in this world. You, me, the stars. Both of us locked in our own little world.”
She stared up at me, her eyes searching, thinking, wondering. At last, she slipped her arm into mine and said, “You’re right. It was.”
My soul settled and something felt as if it had clicked into place. As if I had finally gotten some type of closure. The future might be unknown. But now I knew, Mattie didn’t hate me. Mattie didn’t hate the us we had been.
.o0o.
Mattie
I had broken the first rule of Ex-boyfriends. Friends. It was a proven fact that exes could not be friends. But maybe we were the exception. Even with this sexual tension still hanging over us like a wave threatening to bury the two of us.
One kiss and it was back. That mutual need. That shared desire. I had seen it in his eyes. Tasted it on his lips. Felt it with his embrace. A demand for more. A burning hunger inside both of us. A hunger that threatened our hearts.
How were we supposed to act? How could I not dream of him at night? The memories of our times together. It would haunt me, I just knew it.
But what choice did I have? I had seen it in his eyes. The terror at the thought of being forced into something he wasn’t ready for. I knew Kevin, he’d be worried about hurting me. Scared of me expecting too much. He thought that if we slept together, I would demand forever.
I wouldn’t have. But he would know that was what I wanted and would feel obligated to give it to me.
If I hadn’t acted, he’d have run and I would never see him again. And that was not going to happen.
As we slowly made our way back to the house, I was careful to match my stride to his. My arm wrapped around his, hugging it close. It was important that I set the boundaries of this new friendship. Touching was allowed. It might tear me apart, but it also fed a soulful need.
“So, this friends thing,” he said. “What are the rules? I assume this means no sex. Right?”
I laughed and shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. Does it?”
He stopped for a second to stare into my eyes, then slowly shook his head. “It has to. Or else I’ll end up breaking your heart which will just kill me.”
See, I knew it.
“What about the whole friends with benefits concept,” I asked, unwilling to give up on the need rushing through my body.
He studied me for a long moment then sighed heavily. “You know that would never work. I think that only works with two people who were never in love.”
“Yeah, right,” I said, trying to hide my disappointment as my insides turned over while I silently cursed all that I had just lost. But he was right. This thing between us could not be solved with a quick fling. There was too much history. Too much pain.
“Why don’t we just take it slow,” I said. “See what happens. No rules. No expectations. You know. Friends.”
He laughed and started for the door again.
“Hey,” I said, catching up to him. “I could be the one to break your heart.”
“Oh, that’s a given,” he said with a small smile that pulled at my heart.
Seeing the flash of pain behind his eyes I pulled him to a stop and stepped around him, up onto the step so I could look directly into his eyes.
“Why did you leave without saying goodbye. Back in school,” I asked him. The question that had been burning a hole in my soul all these years.
He stared back for a second then quickly looked down and shrugged his shoulders.
“Why?” I demanded.
“Do you want the truth?” he asked.
I nodded as I braced myself for what was to come.
“For lots of reasons. I was mad at you. I mean, really pissed off. You dumped me for just thinking about doing something.”
“I didn’t dump you …”
“It sure seemed that way from my end,” he said with a raised eyebrows. “Telling me it was over, pretty much means that you dumped me.”
“I didn’t break-up with you because you visited a recruiter.”
“Then why?” he asked, obviously confused.
I sighed heavily. “Because I could see it coming to an end. I’d go off to college. You going off into the service. It was all going to come to a terrible, chaotic end and it scared me. Every day I expected you to end it. To tell me you wanted so
mething else. Something more. That I wasn’t enough.”
“Mattie, it was never you.”
I grimaced and slowly nodded. “I know that now. It took me a couple of years to figure it out. But I finally came to realize we were just two people going in different directions.”
He stared at me for a long minute, then sighed heavily and said, “The reason I didn’t say goodbye was because I knew that if I talked to you I’d change my mind. I’d stay. Then I’d be stuck in that dumb town. Hating life.”
“Hating me,” I added under my breath. If he had stayed, that was what would have happened. I would always have been the person who stopped him from chasing his dream of seeing the world.
A sudden epiphany hit me, Kevin had never asked me to change my dreams. Never demanded that I not go to college. Never asked me to change what I wanted. He’d always understood how important it was to me.
As we went back inside, my mind tumbled with a thousand different regrets.
Chapter Five
Kevin
Two weeks, I thought. Two fun, good weeks. Mattie and I had talked almost every day on the phone. We’d spent last Saturday trapesing around the Seattle center and the ELP. Just talking. Just being together. Her hand in mine. Friends. Who were we kidding. I’d catch her looking at me a certain way and my heart would stop.
Without thinking, I’d brush her wind swept hair out of her eyes and she’d smile that special smile of hers.
No. this friend thing wouldn’t last. But now, we’d never really get a chance to find out. My heart pounded in my chest as I thought about what I had to tell her. She was not going to be pleased.
Sighing I watched the ferry wake turn and tumble before it disappeared back into the calm blue water. Oh, if only life could be like that. Brief turbulence quickly returning to calm.
Sighing, I made my way forward.
When we pulled into Seattle, she was waiting for me in the terminal. Tight jeans, a cute jacket, and scarf to match. A smile that could make a man feel good about the world. Beautiful Mattie.
Her smiles dropped, “What’s wrong?”
I tried to smile back. That was Mattie. I could never hide my feelings from her.
New Rules Page 3