“Let’s get something to eat and I’ll tell you about it,” I said.
She frowned as she slipped her arm into mine. “Ivor’s?” she asked referring to our favorite seafood place just down from the terminal.
I nodded, dreading what was about to happen.
After we had been seated and ordered our food. She turned to me and raised an eyebrow. Silently demanding I spill everything immediately.
I took a deep breath. Just get it over with. Fast and furious.
“The Med board came back. They want to retire me at sixty percent disability.” My heart pounded in my chest. Every time I thought about it, a sharp pain hit me in the gut.
Her eyes narrowed as she studied me. “What does that mean?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “It means in about ten days I’ll no longer be working for Uncle Sam.”
She gasped. “That soon? Can they do it that fast.”
I scoffed. “When they want to, they can move very fast. It’s amazing. It can take six months to get a box of pens but they can move a thousand men halfway around the world at a moment’s notice. So yeah. They can do it that fast. I’ve got a ton of leave on the books. No real household goods to move. So it’s just some paperwork. A handshake and hit the road jack.”
Her mouth hung open as she looked at me, obviously, she was having a problem processing it all.
“What are you going to do?” she asked.
Again, I shrugged my shoulders.
“Are you going to stay around here?” she asked with a hitch in her voice.
The hope in her eyes tore at me. This was what I had been dreading most of all.
“There’s something else,” I said. “Something I haven’t told you.”
She waited, her eyes boring into me.
“Besides my messed up knee and my missing spleen …”
“You’re missing your spleen? How?”
Ignoring her, I continued while I still had the guts. “Besides all the physical stuff. I’m sort of messed up in the head. I can’t settle down. I’m antsy all the time. Loud noises scare the crap out of me. I wake up some nights sweating like I’m locked in a box in the desert. Sometimes I get so angry is scares me.”
Her brow furrowed, “You seem fine around me.”
I laughed. “I’ve hidden it well. But even now. In a place like this. I feel like I’m trapped. I can’t even sit down and have a nice meal with a pretty girl without wondering if someone is going to crash through that door and try to blow us up.”
Her eyes softened with that Mattie look of concern that always made me love her even more.
“So, can’t they fix it. Shouldn’t they fix it before they let you go?”
“That’s the VA’s job. The Marines need to focus on fighting and winning. Not fixing broken parts.”
“It doesn’t seem right,” she said, leaning back as the waiter brought us our food.
All I could do was shrug.
“So, what are you going to do?” she asked again. This time there wasn’t that hope in her words. Just a concerned friend worried about me.
“To tell you the truth. I just need to get away.”
“Away? From what?”
I laughed. “People. Things. I need to get away and figure out what I’m going to do. Like I said, I’ve got a bunch of leave on the books. I was thinking of just getting in a car and driving. Finding some empty road and getting lost. Maybe camping along the way.”
“Camping?” she said with a surprised start. “I would have thought you had enough of that.”
I laughed. “Only this time, no one will be shooting at me.” Her frown at my joke made me smile.
“I don’t know where. I could end up in Alaska or Mexico,” I added. “I don’t know. I don’t want to make any plans. I just need to get away.”
She furrowed her brow for a long minute. Studying me like a puzzle that couldn’t be solved. At last, she seemed to come to decision and nodded.
“Okay,” she said. “I understand. But this time. No getting lost forever. You have to promise to stay in touch. Let me know how you’re doing.”
I leaned back, surprised that she was taking it so well. She saw my reaction and smiled. “Don’t be so surprised. I knew this was going to happen someday. It’s not for forever. Not this time. Remember. Friends. No broken hearts.”
Looking at her, I tried to figure out if this was the real Mattie. She was taking it so much better than I thought she would. And why did that thought make me a little mad inside?
.o0o.
Mattie
It took every part of me not to break down and beg him to stay. All I wanted to do was to hold onto him and never let him go. But I couldn’t. Not with Kevin. If I asked, he might do it and he’d end up hating me.
No. He needed to do this, I kept telling myself as I tried to remain calm and composed. Don’t let him see the truth, I told myself.
Smiling up at him, I reached out and covered his hand with mine. “No worries, Kevin. You do what you need to do. I know you. You’ll figure it out. You will find what you are searching for. I just know it.”
He smiled back at me rather weakly. As if he seriously doubted it.
Inside, my stomach was turning cartwheels. He was going to disappear again. I just had to make sure that we didn’t loose contact. That we at least stayed a part of each other’s life. Even if it was a distant part.
Sighing heavily, I focused on finishing my dinner while I worked on keeping my emotions in check. After dinner, we took a walk along the waterfront. The tap of Kevin’s cane keeping time with my heart.
“Will you tell Katie and Scott goodbye for me?” he asked as we turned to head back to the ferry terminal.
“What? You’re not going to say goodbye? This is our last time together before you leave?”
My insides sank to the ground as I tried to catch my breath. This was too fast. Too soon. I hadn’t expected it to happen like this. I had thought we would get at least one more time to be together.
He shook his head at my obvious confusion.
“I can’t,” he said slowly as a look of doubt and fear crossed his face. “I’m going to be running around like a chicken with his head cut off getting all the paperwork completed.”
“And after?” I asked. “I thought…”
He studied me for a moment. “You know me. I hate goodbyes. Better to just end it now. They’ll understand.”
I pulled him to a stop and stared into his eyes. He was serious. “You’ve got to call them at least. Give them a chance to say goodbye. You can’t just walk in and out of people’s lives like that. They deserve better.”
Kevin cringed with my verbal attack but then he nodded. “Okay, I’ll call them. But Katie is going to give me such a hard time.”
I shook my head. I guess Kevin really did hate goodbyes. Something I had never known before. But then. There had been just that one instance and a thousand other things had been involved.
Taking a deep breath, I held onto his arm. This was it then. When would I see him again? If ever. He said he would write. He’d promised to stay in contact. But would he? What if he disappeared off the face of the earth and I never knew what happened.
The sadness that washed over me was like a cloying film of despair. Why couldn’t he see what was here for him. Why couldn’t I be enough?
As he got his ferry ticket, I stood back and studied him. Trying desperately to capture every last detail. A tall, strong man. Wide shoulders sloping down to a narrow waist. Hands that had held my heart for too many years. Eyes that could see the true me. A man to love.
Holding the feeling close, I fought to stop a tear.
Turning, he walked back to me, leaning heavily on his cane. Giving me that quick smirk of his. The look that I would remember on my deathbed.
“They are already boarding,” he said with a sad smile.
I nodded, unable to speak, terrified I would say the wrong thing and ruin us.
He looked into my
eyes and I could see that he was thinking the same thing. Don’t make this harder than it has to be, I told myself. I could cry later. Let him go.
I reached up and pulled him into a hug. A goodbye hug.
“Don’t you get lost again,” I whispered into his ear as I drank in that leathery musk of his one last time. “I’m here,” I said. “if you ever need me. I promise. Anywhere, anytime.”
He laughed and nodded as he leaned back and looked into my eyes. “Remember Mattie. For the rest of your life. Always remember, you are special. You deserve the best and I pray you get it.”
The look in his eyes of pain and regret ripped my soul in two and let loose the flood of tears I had held back. Sobbing, I buried my head in his chest and held on for one last minute. His strong arms wrapped around me. Holding me close. Letting me capture that last sense of Kevin.
A sharp announcement about the last chance to board broke through my sadness, forcing me to back away.
“I’ll write, I promise,” he said stepping back reluctantly.
I nodded, aware that he probably wouldn’t. If I was lucky, I might get a Christmas card letting me know where he was at. And even then. A few years from now they’d stop and I would always wonder why.
Biting my lip, I slipped my hands into my back pockets and stepped away from him, nodding for him to get going.
He studied me for a moment, a hesitant look in his eyes that made my heart jump. Then, he nodded one last time and turned for the boat.
I clenched my jaw and watched him walk away. Tall, strong, and so alone. My heart broke, as I had always known it would.
Once onboard, he turned to look back. Not to see if I was watching, but to give me one last sad smile.
Would this be the last time I ever saw him? I wondered. Kevin Hays, sailing off into the unknown without me.
Chapter Six
Kevin
I was wrong, it took the Corps twelve days to process me out. Wham bam thank you ma’am. And don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
Luckily a buddy had received orders to embassy guard duty in Uruguay. So I’d bought his truck. A maroon step side, automatic, my knee wouldn’t hold up using a clutch all day. Then I hit the exchange for a ton of camping stuff and took off without looking back.
After leaving the base, I pulled to a stop at the first intersection. Left or right? I wondered. Which way might provide me the answers I needed. Literally, one of life’s turning points.
The guy behind me honked, reminding me that there were regular people in this world and they had lives to worry about. Things to do and places to go. Shrugging my shoulders, I gave him a quick wave of apology and turned left. For no more reason than that my hand on the wheel were lined up for it. What would have happened if I had used my other hand to wave, leading me to turn right?
I have often wondered if our lives are made up of small decision like that. Small random moments. Things that change everything. Things that we are never aware of at the time but that end up having monumental importance.
Regardless, five days later I found myself sitting on an Oregon beach watching the sun go down, asking myself for the thousandth time. What next? Where are the answers I was searching for. Even more important, what was the question? That was my real problem. I didn’t even know what questions to ask. Let alone answer.
Sighing, I shook my head. Don’t push it, I told myself. Just let it come.
Watching the waves pound into the shore I sighed heavily as the sun slowly turn a burnt orange as is slipped towards the horizon. I smiled to myself when I thought about how much Mattie would have enjoyed this. She’d have soaked it all up. She was so good at simply being. Simply accepting what life had to offer.
That was part of the problem I realized. Mattie was constantly in my thoughts. A song would come on the radio and I’d think of her. In Astoria, I’d seen a girl with long brown hair and my heart had jumped. At night I’d toss and turn in my sleeping bag with memories of our nights together.
“Well, at least your not dreaming about the Corps,” I said to myself with a laugh.
Shaking my head at the fact that I was now talking to myself. I watched the sun go down and waited there until the first star appeared.
“Nope, this isn’t working,,” I said as I got up and started gathering my stuff. I didn’t know why, but I knew I wouldn’t find any answers there on that beach.
Two days later I was in the high Mojave desert just outside of Kingman Arizona. I’d pulled into a gas station to fill up and restock. A hawk in the distance called out, reminding me of a day in Afghanistan when Jonesy had tripped over a rock and spilled his pack. He’d made that exact sound. For some reason we’d all busted out laughing. It could have been any one of us. But it was Jonesy, and for some reason that made it funnier.
Putting the handle back on the gas pump, I paused for a moment and looked around, a cold shudder ran across my shoulders. Nope, the desert too much like places I didn’t want to think about. Turning to get back into the truck, I caught a flash of blue set off to the side. A postal mail box.
My stomach relaxed as I reached into the truck and grabbed a letter to Mattie I’d written the night before. Nothing important. But I’d promised to write. Just words about me traveling the back roads.
“You a Marine?” A voice asked. I turned to see a beefy, older guy straddling a beautiful Harley Davidson motorcycle. His salt and pepper beard was broken by a welcoming smile.
“Just got out,” I said as I headed for the mail box.
He nodded. “Did my time,” he said with a somber look to his eyes as he glanced at my cane. Then he threw me a quick smile. “Remember. Once a Marine, always a Marine. You might have left it. But it will never leave you.”
I nodded, unwilling to get into a deep conversation about the meaning of what it all meant. I just wanted to drop off the letter and get back on the road.
Once I left the pump. I headed north. I didn’t know where, but it had to be somewhere not desert. That’s how I found myself three days later sitting next to a Rocky Mountain lake watching an eagle in a distant tree.
“This is more like it,” I whispered to myself, afraid of disturbing the big bird. Green, tall trees, life. Leaning back against a log, I tossed another stick onto the fire and moved the coffee pot to keep it warm without burning.
This was it, I thought. I’m not leaving this place until I figure it out.
Sighing, I closed my eyes and took in the smell of the campfire mixed with pine and cedar. I listened to the wind rush through the trees and for the first time I felt something new. Something deep inside of me that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
“I’m bored,” I said with a sudden shock. “This is what boredom feels like.” Laughing at myself, I shook my head and thought that I might like being bored. It had some good qualities to it.
Of course, the problem with being bored is that the newness wears off rather quickly. Stand around holding a fishing rod all day without catching anything and a guy can get to feeling useless. Sitting around a campfire, feeding it sticks was fun at first, But after a while, it became pointless. I was just turning wood into ash.
I should be doing something. Accomplishing something, I realized. Life wasn’t meant to be lived just for the experiences. Finding the new and different. Life was meant for accomplishing things. This sitting around soaking up nature was all great and stuff. But what did it mean? Really. When you get down to it. I could die up here and no one would really care.
And if I did, So what?
The words of the biker from the gas station jumped into my head. I could leave it, but it would never leave me. This was who I was now. I had seen more than most men twice my age. I’d tested myself and been willing to accept the results.
What did I want out of life? What did I want to look back on at the end and be proud of?
At least now I knew the question to ask. Now it was a matter of discovering the answer.
The next day I hiked the back
trails, but I didn’t really see my surroundings. I was lost inside my racing brain as I tried to figure out my future.
I laid there that night, under the stars, staring up, my hands cupped behind my head and imagined what I would miss the most if it didn’t happen. What would be my biggest regret?
Slowly at first, a picture began to build inside of me. Then quicker over time I began to realize what I wanted in life. What I needed to do before I kicked the bucket and moved on. What I needed to leave behind me.,
A smile spread over my face as a plan began to come together.
.o0o.
Mattie
Two months, and one letter! My jaw clenched just thinking about it.
Each day, the first thing I did when I got home was check the mail. But nothing since Kingman Arizona. The boy was killing me. A short note about wandering along the beach and then nothing.
Had I lost him again? What if he was laying in some ditch somewhere, or maybe he had met someone? The thought squeezed my heart into a thumping mess. The least he could do was tell me so that I could begin to think about moving on.
I could just imagine it. Some other woman getting my Kevin. Some other woman feeling those arms around her, seeing his smile every morning. It was enough to make me want to scream.
Friends, I reminded myself. We were nothing more than friends.
“I picked up your cap and gown,” Case said as she came out of her room, “I hung it in your closet.”
“Thank you,” I said as my heart melted when I looked at her. Everything was ending. Three more days and it was all over. We’d go our separate ways. Lead our separate lives. The thought made me want to cry.
Casey saw the pain in my eyes and smiled sadly. “I know, it sucks.”
“Hey,” I said as I glanced at all the boxes in the apartment, “For a woman who is graduating college in two days. Getting married in ten and moving into a new apartment with her new husband. You seem very calm.”
She laughed. “That’s because I’m numb. None of it seems real. Austin though. He’s going out of his mind. He’s so positive that something is going to happen and snatch it all away at the last minute.
New Rules Page 4