by Ashley Jade
I want to run far away from this stupid town where nothing good ever happens and never look back.
“It’s me.”
I freeze at the sound of Oakley’s deep, thready voice.
I should tell him to go away.
Then threaten to call the cops when he refuses.
But I don’t.
Because he’s the only person on the planet who can understand my loss.
Because the baby wasn’t just mine.
It was his, too.
His eyes are bloodshot, and the sharp lines of his face are drawn tight—like he’s expecting me to kick him out but prepared to fight me tooth and nail about it.
“What do you want?”
He steps inside, despite not being invited. “To see you.” His gaze locks on my suitcase full of clothes. “Where you going?”
I close the door and lean against it. “I’m leaving town.”
And all the fucked-up memories behind.
He nods in understanding. “I get that.”
I open my mouth to ask what he means, but then he says, “I chose to go to prison so I could escape.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “Did it help?”
“No.” He holds my stare, his expression growing grim. “I thought about you and the baby every second of every day.”
His words send a pang of agony through me and I can’t help but flinch.
I don’t even know if it was a girl or a boy.
I never got to hear the heartbeat.
Or hold them.
“I don’t know how I can grieve something so much when it never even existed.”
And just like that, something sharp and raw unhinges inside me and the tears I was trying so hard to hold back stream down my face like rain.
Oakley wraps his arms around me.
“Our baby existed.” A low, painful sound leaves him and his voice catches on the last word.
My fingers curl into the folds of his t-shirt as a guttural cry leaves my lips.
He runs his hands up and down my spine, gripping me tighter. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
I allow myself to breathe in his warmth and comfort for a few moments before I push him away.
“I know you are…but I still can’t forgive you.”
I can’t forgive myself.
He cups my tear-stained cheeks, forcing me to look at him. “I don’t want your forgiveness. That’s a burden I would never put on you.”
“Then what do you want from me?”
His thumb glides over my damp cheekbone. “I just want to make sure you don’t blame yourself. Because it’s not your fault.”
He’s wrong. So fucking wrong.
“I was the one who chased after you even though you told me not to. I never should have gotten in your car. I never should ha—”
“Bianca, stop.” Sorrow and remorse flicker in his eyes and he punches his chest. “What happened was my fucking fault. Mine. Not yours…not anyone else’s.” He thumps his chest again. “Mine.”
His statement only makes me feel worse, because taking the blame doesn’t fix anything.
I close my eyes as another swell of pain engulfs me.
Everything was perfect between us.
We were in love. We were happy.
Until one night destroyed it all.
And I don’t know how I’m supposed to get past any of this…because the only thing I can see when I look at him now is all the pain he caused me…
And the baby we’ll never have.
“Look at me,” he rasps. “Please.”
When I do, he says, “You’re gonna meet a man who deserves you. And when the time is right…you’re gonna have his babies. You’re gonna be the best mom—”
“Stop talking,” I scream because he doesn’t get it. “I don’t want anyone else’s babies. I wanted yours.”
But that will never happen.
Because he got drunk and high and destroyed our lives.
Oakley tries to speak again, but I don’t let him.
“Get out.”
I shove him when he doesn’t move quick enough. “Get the fuck out.”
He starts to walk away, but pauses.
I’m about to yell at him again, but his eyes fall on my suitcase and he wraps his pinky around mine.
“Don’t leave me.”
The despair in his voice cuts into my skin like a knife.
I point to the door. “Get out.”
The moment he’s gone, the excruciating hollow feeling in my chest is back again.
Only this time…I don’t think it will ever disappear.
Chapter 68
Oakley
“What are you doing?”
I stare up at Bianca’s angry face. “Good morning.”
Hands on her hips, she glares down at me. “You slept in the hallway?”
Not exactly. I tried to, but the hardwood floor made that shit impossible.
Sitting up, I rub the knot in my neck. “Depends what your definition of sleep is.”
She groans. “You’re crazy.”
I prefer to think of it as determined.
Stepping over me, she huffs, “You better be gone by the time I get back.”
I stand up and chase her down the hall. “Where are you going?”
I hear her growl under her breath as she hikes her purse up her shoulder. “To class.”
Good.
Because if she’s going to class, that means she’s not leaving.
That she hasn’t given up on me just yet.
“See you later, baby girl.”
She flips me the middle finger. “No, you won’t.”
Grinning, I zero in on that pert little ass of hers as she walks away.
Yes…I fucking will.
Chapter 69
Bianca
As if Oakley camping outside my room last night wasn’t enough, I find my brothers hanging around my dorm after classes are over.
Plastering a sugary sweet smile on my face, I root around my purse for my keys. “Look, last night I said some things that were really mean.” I stick my key in the lock and open it. “And I just want you to know…that I stand by all of it.”
I go to slam the door in their faces, but Jace wedges his foot between it and the frame.
“Let us in so we can talk.”
“I’m not interested in talking to you.”
“Fine,” Cole says. “Then let me in so I can apologize.”
I scan his face for signs he’s trying to play me, but don’t see any. “You can come in.”
Jace tries to walk in after him, but I poke his forehead with my finger. “Not you, dipshit.”
I firmly plant my feet, blocking him from entering.
Everyone knows Jace doesn’t apologize and I’m not interested in hearing his bullshit excuses.
Cole opens his arms wide and circles my dorm room. “And just like that, I’ve been upgraded to number one brother.”
I glare at him. “I wouldn’t go that far. You still owe me an apology.”
“Goddammit, Bianca,” Jace grumps. “Let me in.”
“That’s the thing about being a grown woman. I no longer have to do what you tell me to.” I tap my chest. “I get to decide what’s best for me. Not you.”
“I am letting you make your own decisions,” Jace argues. “For instance—we both know I can easily pick you up and move you out of the way, but I’m not.”
Yeah, I’m not amused.
Spinning around, I focus on Cole. “I sure hope you grovel better than he does.”
Cole digs in his pocket, pulls out his wallet, and holds up a hundred-dollar bill. “How’s this for an apology?”
He’s got to be kidding me.
“You can’t bribe me, dumbass.” I swipe the hundred and tuck it into my bra. I’m angry and hurt. Not stupid. “Keeping the truth from me was wrong.”
“I know.” Cole sulks. “But Jace said—”
“Jace is an idiot.”
&nbs
p; “Hey,” Jace snaps. “I’m right here.”
I turn around to face him. “You’re an idiot.”
Jace’s nostrils flare on an indrawn breath. “I only did it because I love you. And I know that’s hard for you to understand because you feel like the rug was just pulled out from under you—”
He takes a step forward, but I snap my fingers.
Exasperated, Jace crosses his arms. “Permission to enter?”
“Fine,” I grumble, but only because I’m curious what he has to say.
“Anyway,” he continues, closing the door behind him. “I never meant to hurt you. I just…” His voice trails off.
“You just what?” I press.
“If you were given the chance to erase the most horrible memories from a person’s brain. A person who you love and would do just about anything for. A person who was already so fragile because of everything she’s been through…wouldn’t you take it?”
I think about this for a moment. “No.”
Because I believe honesty is always the best policy. No matter how much it may hurt.
“Well, that’s the difference between me and you,” Jace says. “It’s my job to protect you, not the other way around.”
“What you did wasn’t protecting me.”
“Yes, it was,” he protests. “You don’t understand because you can’t see it from my perspective. I was planning on telling you, but then you looked at me with a shattered heart and big, fat tears welling in your eyes after you found out Hayley died in the accident, and I couldn’t.” Deep grooves line his mouth. “You were barely hanging on after you heard about Mom and Liam. Finding out about the baby would have destroyed you. Therefore, I figured the less you knew about the accident and Oakley, the better off you would be.”
“The doctor’s agreed with Jace. They told us not to push you.” Cole winces. “Granted, they didn’t say not to ever tell you—”
“Shut up, Cole,” Jace barks. “You’re not helping.”
That’s when it dawns on me.
“I couldn’t find anything about the accident online.”
Jace looks guilty as hell. “Yeah, about that. I might have installed some safety programs on your computer so you wouldn’t.”
He’s unbelievable.
“Jesus, you’re an asshole.”
“Fair enough, but I’m an asshole who loves you.” He points a finger at me. “Besides, you weren’t exactly innocent. You were seeing Oakley behind our backs for months.”
Cole nods in agreement. “Tru dat, sis.”
“That’s…different.”
Jace raises a brow. “How so?”
“The only reason I didn’t tell you about Oakley was because you guys are his family and there’s no way you would have been cool with us hooking up.” I look at both of them. “But after things got serious, we were going to tell you the truth. It’s why I asked you guys to come to dinner the night of the accident.”
Jace runs a hand down his jaw, pretending to think. “Let me get this straight—you didn’t tell us about your relationship because you were protecting him. Kind of like how I was protecting you?”
I see where he’s going with this, but it’s not the same thing. “It’s different, Jace.”
“Different how?”
Now that I think about it…I guess it’s really not.
A lie is still a lie. No matter how good your intentions are.
“I know your heart was in the right place, but you still should have told me.”
Jace makes a sound of agreement in his throat. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
I do a double take. “Hold on. I must be hallucinating. Did you just—”
“Oh, yeah,” Cole cuts in. “He said it.”
Jace rolls his eyes. “Christ. You two act like I’m heartless.”
“No. We know you have a heart…it’s just buried down deep.”
“Mariana trench deep,” Cole adds with a wink.
Cole laughs when Jace shoots him a murderous glare. “Sawyer said you can be quite the romantic when you want to be.”
Jace looks like he’s about to choke him, but there’s a knock on the door.
The air in my lungs grows thin when I open it and see Oakley standing there. “What the hell do you want?”
Not looking offended in the least, he motions to the two bags in his hand. “I brought dinner. I didn’t know what you were in the mood for, so I grabbed some burgers and a bunch of healthy shit—”
I swiftly snatch the bags out of his hand and slam the door in his face. Because again, I’m hurt and angry…not stupid.
I can feel Jace and Cole staring at me as I set the food on my desk.
“You guys can go,” I tell them.
Reaching over, Cole takes a few fries. “Nah. I’m dying to see how this plays out.”
Jace grabs a burger off my desk and sits on my bed. “It was nice of him to bring refreshments.”
Cole nods. “Word.”
“This isn’t a joke,” I start to say but the sound of movement on the other side of the door snags my attention.
Huffing, I open it.
My jaw drops when I see Oakley setting up a sleeping bag outside my door.
Holy hell. He’s officially lost it.
“Are you out of your damn mind?”
He casually plops down. “Nope.”
“I don’t want you sleeping outside my room.”
Oakley’s smug grin is pure arrogance. “Then invite me in.”
I slam the door in his face for the second time.
Cole props his feet up on my bed. “This just keeps getting better and better.”
Jace takes a few of his fries. “Wonder what else he’ll do.”
“Show’s over,” I grunt, ushering them away.
“Oh, come on,” Cole whines. “It was just getting good.”
I point to the door. “Go.”
Sulking, they both stand up and head out.
I roll my eyes when they stop to give Oakley a pound before they leave.
I’m slipping into bed when a piece of paper slides under my door.
For a moment I debate leaving it there, but I find myself walking over and unfolding it.
Would you have been strong and beautiful like your mother?
Or would you be lost and confused like your father?
All these questions in my head, but none of them will ever be answered.
And even though you were gone too soon, one thing's for sure.
You might not have been planned...
But were loved and you were wanted.
My knees go weak and tears blur my vision as I take in his words.
The organ in my chest beats a painful rhythm against my ribcage as I drop to the floor and press my cheek to the door.
“It hurts so bad.”
It’s the worst ache I’ve ever felt.
His voice is a painful thread cutting through the silence. “I know.”
I close my eyes against the surge of heartache. “I keep wondering what he or she would have been like.”
It’s probably a morbid thing to admit, but I can’t help myself.
It’s as though giving the baby characteristics makes them real and gives me permission to grieve.
“Me too.” I hear his sharp intake of breath. “It goes without saying they would have been good-looking.”
I find myself smiling. “Good-looking and smart.”
He chuckles softly. “Probably a bossy know it all.”
“Definitely.”
Because let’s face it…all Covingtons are.
“I’d want them to have your strength, your brain, your gorgeous eyes and smile…but mostly? Your heart.”
I run my finger along the wood of the frame. “Why my heart?”
I hear him shift against the door “It’s my favorite thing about you.”
A weird twist goes through my chest. It’s odd he’d want that, because I’d want our baby to have most of his traits.
“Well, I’d want them to have your eyes and smile, your passion and creativity, your loyalty…but most of all, your soul.”
Because even though he’s made some catastrophic mistakes…I know he still has a beautiful one.
A low, guttural sound leaves him. He sounds so broken, something deep within my heart clenches.
“Good souls don’t take innocent lives.”
His statement is the equivalent of being submerged in ice water.
Words work like broken glass against my throat. “Oakley—”
“I don’t need you to make me feel better, Bianca. That’s not why I said that.” He draws in a ragged breath. “I just want you to know that if given the chance, not only would I take it all back…I’d gladly give up my life to spare theirs.”
I know he would.
But life doesn’t work like that.
And some mistakes are too painful to ever be forgiven.
However, Oakley’s made it clear that my forgiveness isn’t what he’s seeking. Which means he’s prepared to wallow in his guilt for the rest of his life.
“I don’t want you sleeping outside my door.”
I don’t want him showing up and fighting for me anymore…
Because he’s only going to tear himself apart trying to fix us.
And despite all the bad things that have happened between us…
I love him too much to allow that to happen.
Chapter 70
Oakley
“I know you’ve been sleeping outside her dorm room for over three weeks now and she still won’t talk to you,” Dylan says. “But you have to hang in there.”
Sawyer clutches her chest. “Even though it might not seem like it right now…Bianca still loves you.”
Dylan nods. “And you still love her.”
I take another bite of my pizza. Shit’s good.
Sawyer closes her eyes. “I know awful things have happened, but you guys are meant for each other.”
“You two are soul mates,” Dylan adds.
Sawyer blinks like she has something in her eye. “Two crazy halves of the same heart.”
I gesture to the pizza box on my coffee table. “Do you guys want any?”