by Amanda Aksel
“Everyone, please take your seats, we're about to get started.” A woman dressed in a long navy dress and a vine of grape leaves around her shoulders like a Hawaiian lei ushered us to our seats. Next to us were David and Rachel and Holly’s parents, an intimate wedding of seven guests. The ginger glow of the sunset behind the row of arched windows reflected off of Holly's hair, giving it an auburn hue. Noom and Holly didn't take their eyes off each other and never stopped grinning for a second. As the non-traditionalist that Holly was, she and Noom planted a tree in a small terracotta pot instead of exchanging rings.
The officiant with the grape leaves read “On Marriage” from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. “For the pillars of the temple stand apart. And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
It was so Holly and so beautiful.
After the ceremony and pictures, everyone had a glass of red wine filled to the brim. Though, mine stayed full the entire time. Rachel kept tailing Holly like the Secret Service, protecting her dress from wine spills. Music filled the room with even more sounds of joy than were already reverberating off the walls. We sat down at the linen-covered tables at the back of the room. The buffet was ready to serve and I had caught Holly by herself for a second as she finished her glass of petite sirah.
“Oh, my God, Marin! Can you believe I'm married?” I could tell she was a little bit tipsy.
“I know! I'm so happy for you. Did you eat anything today?” I asked.
Her mouth turned up in a goofy grin. “Yeah, I had a handful of almonds.”
“We better grab you some food.” I walked Holly to the buffet and Noom met us, taking care of her the rest of the way.
As the evening went on, the bin of empty wine bottles grew. Holly and Noom seemed happier than ever, catching each other's stare almost every moment. The time came for us to leave the venue, but we still had a couple of hours before it was officially the New Year. We took the party back to the inn and hung out in the lounge area, where there was even more wine. I finally decided that half a glass wouldn’t hurt since it could be my last for a while. Rachel gravitated to her parents, which meant that James had to keep David company while I buddied up with Telly, until she took a call outside and didn’t come back for over ten minutes. I walked down the hallway and opened the front door. She sat on the steps wearing a thin shawl and said goodbye to whomever she was talking to. A cup overflowing with love seemed to keep me warm despite the chilly air.
“Hey!” I said, sitting next to her.
“Hey.”
I nudged her with my shoulder. “You've been out here for a while.”
“Yeah, that was Will. He said Leo's doing much better.”
I shot her puppy-dog eyes. “Do you miss him?”
“Will? No!” She shook her head.
I chuckled. “No, I meant Leo.”
“Oh . . . honestly, a little bit.”
“Well, I never thought I'd see the day when Telly Torres was a mother who missed being with her child,” I bellowed in an exaggerated southern accent and she smirked.
“Did you have enough to drink?” she asked.
“I only had a few sips.”
She laughed. “Well, I had about eighty sips.”
I laughed too and a moment later we were quietly looking out on the moonlit vineyard.
“Hey, why didn't you tell me Rachel hired you?” I asked.
She turned, giving me a silent, incredulous look. “C'mon, Marin. It's attorney-client privilege. You know I can't tell you about that.”
“I know, but it's Rachel. I had no idea. The poor thing.”
“Look, all you need to know is that I'm taking care of her.”
Goosebumps covered my arms as I crossed them over my chest. “I know. I'm glad she hired you.”
“This is one of those situations where I wish your patients didn't become my clients. It's a personal case for me, which is better and worse all at the same time.”
“I felt that way when I was counseling them. So I get it. I can't believe we're talking about Rachel's divorce at Holly's wedding. A lot has changed since Rach and David got married.”
Telly pursed her mouth. “You got that right.”
“Think you'll ever get married?” I asked, wanting to end my sentence with, to Will?
“And fuck one person for the rest of my life?” She swiveled her neck as she spoke. “I don’t think so.”
I tilted my head into my shoulder. “I dunno, I saw you get a little misty during the ceremony.”
She turned to the starlit sky above. “My contacts were bothering me.”
“Um, you don't wear contacts.”
“That's my story and I'm sticking to it.” She stood up and offered her hand. “You ready to go back in there? It's pretty cold out.”
My stomach cramped up into a painful knot and I rubbed my stomach. “Yeah. Actually, I'm not feeling so well. I think I better get back to the room.” I grabbed her hand and she pulled me up.
“You feel like you might throw up?” she asked.
“No, it’s something else.” I rubbed my hand along my stomach, the cramping uncomfortably familiar.
Her expression seemed to sober. “Do you want me to take you upstairs?”
“I'll be fine. Will you just let James know?”
“Sure. I hope you feel better soon. It's almost midnight.”
I gave her a half-smile, thinking that I’d ring in the New Year from bed. She followed me back inside and I headed upstairs to our room. In the bathroom, I was careful to lift my dress and slide my panties down to my knees. When I sat, I noticed a dark, wet stain on my nude-colored panties.
“Oh, no.” I had a feeling that was the cause of the cramping, but I didn't want to think it. It was either really good or really bad. I grabbed my aqua toiletry bag and pulled out a tampon and a pregnancy test. I clean myself up as I waited for the results. Over the past six months, every time I’d waited the three minutes I’d heard the tick of one of those annoying kitchen timers. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. DING! The noise had grown louder with every pregnancy test since and now it was practically blaring in my ears.
A knock fell softly on the bathroom door. “Marin, are you in there?” James called.
“Yeah, I just need a minute,” I said, sitting on the bathroom floor, staring at the toilet.
“Okay, I'm going to wait here for you.” A few moments later, I could barely hear the broadcast of Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve over the loud ticking.
DING!
I shot up off the floor and looked on the counter. My heart sank. We had tried for a full year and nothing but negative, negative, negative. I could’ve made some kind of Pinterest life hack craft with all the negative sticks I’d collected.
“Marin, are you okay?” James asked from the other side of the door.
“I'll be out in a second.” I wiped a tear from my cheek and buried the test deep in the trash can. The countdown still blared on the TV; for a moment I thought I was stepping into Times Square. Ten, nine, eight, seven, . . .
When I opened the door, the ball had already dropped. James held his arms open—a happy, purple-lipped grin on his face. “Happy New Year!”
My eyes dropped along with my shoulders. “I'm not pregnant.”
CHAPTER FOUR
Sausage, No Eggs
The next morning, I spent a fair amount of time cleaning splotchy mascara stains from beneath my eyes and my cheeks. I trudged down the stairs to join everyone for breakfast. The smell of warm bacon did nothing to cheer me up, but I put on a smile for my friends.
“Good morning!” James greeted the newlyweds and all the guests from last night’s nuptials seated around the large, linen-covered table.
“Good morning!” they all replied as we took our seats.
I glanced around at the various meals everyone was chewing on. Fried eggs, toast, a little oatmeal, pancakes with sides of bacon and sausage, of course. I wasn’t in the mood for eggs s
eeing as mine had failed me.
“What can I get you to drink?” the young waiter asked. James ordered coffee and orange juice as he usually does for our weekend breakfasts.
“And for you, miss?”
“Mimosa, please,” I said.
Telly looked at me as if I'd just ordered beef juice or something, but I avoided her stare. It took everything I had to not down the whole glass of champagne when it arrived at the table. I could see Telly watching me out of the corner of my eye.
As I scarfed down my pancakes and ordered my second mimosa, the chatter grew livelier but I kept quiet. No one seemed to notice how detached I was except for James, who would put his arm around me and rub my shoulder every so often, giving me a look of hope, but it just felt like condolence to me. Holly started giggling and whispering something to Noom. They were so adorable and it was their wedding weekend. Why couldn’t I put my problems aside for this one morning and just enjoy this time with my good friend?
“Should we tell them?” Holly asked Noom and he nodded. “So we have some news.”
She had a glow about her, a radiance that I’d never seen until yesterday before the wedding. What was this news? Was she about to tell us that she was pregnant? Oh no! I shook my head slightly and took in a deep breath. I relaxed some when I remembered that Holly couldn't get pregnant. So I shrugged off my fear and waited her for announcement.
“Noom and I will be spending the entire summer in Thailand. We're thinking about buying some property while we're there.”
I glanced at Rachel for her reaction. Did she know this was happening? Her look turned sour and she immediately whined, “Three months in Thailand?”
“Yeah,” Holly's voice softened to a sweet hum.
Rachel snarled her lip. “But why would you go in the summertime? Isn't it crazy hot there? Maybe the fall would be better.”
“It just worked better for our schedules. I'll be back for Labor Day.”
If only I were pregnant, then I’d probably be in labor on Labor Day. But Rachel wasn't alone. Holly hadn't been gone for that long since her six-month stint a few years ago. And when she wasn't around, I ended up getting into a lot of trouble.
“Are you sure you'll be back? You said you're buying property. Are you moving to Thailand?” Rachel looked like she was going to cry. The group silenced and we all gawked at Noom and Holly.
“We're not moving to Thailand yet, but we were thinking about spending half the year here and half there at some point in the future,” Holly answered.
I dropped my fork. “Wait, what?”
My newlywed friend shrugged. “It's just something we're thinking about. Nothing’s for sure.”
No one said a word after that. Rachel let out a big sigh and I just stared at Holly, communicating with my eyes. Moving to Thailand for half the year? Every year? I looked at Noom and found myself suddenly back in the days where I didn't like him—when I thought he was going to take Holly away. She told me that wouldn't happen, but I was right. They were married and it was starting to happen.
James cleared his throat and took my hand, squeezing it gently. “Well, I think it's really cool. It'd be pretty fun to visit you guys there. Don't you think, Marin?”
I shook my head with a shrug. “I guess.”
“Maybe I'll move to Thailand. I can teach English or something.” Rachel seemed to be quietly negotiating with herself.
“Aw, Rachel. It's not that bad. Besides, if you moved, what would David do?” Holly reached for her sister’s hand from across the table.
Rachel's eyes shifted to David, then to me. Telly took a big gulp from her mimosa.
“You're right,” Rachel said with a fresh gloss of tears over her eyes. “I'm just used to having you around all the time. I'll miss you when you're gone.”
“Me too,” Holly said, almost in tears herself. The two shared a sweet but awkward moment together, then James leaned forward.
“Mr. Jensen, are you watching the game today?”
Holly's father nodded and David chimed in about his fantasy football picks. The breakfast ended shortly after the guys disagreed on which teams would make it to the Super Bowl. Holly's post-wedding brunch seemed to be overshadowed by all the bad news. At least for me. I was ready to get back home and under my own covers.
The car ride home was silent; not even music or talk radio filled the space. I watched the bright sun warming the vineyards as we passed. The country soon became the suburbs, then we entered the city. I thought about Holly and Rachel and the big changes they were making in their lives, the possibility of those decisions taking them far away. But as I watched the road, it reminded me of how fast time seemed to be moving. It seemed like only yesterday, James and I met on the street. We were getting older and time, fertile time, was slipping away. When were we going to get pregnant? When would our baby come?
When we arrived home, James had barely closed our front door when he dropped his bag on the floor. “What's wrong?”
“Isn't it obvious?” I said, shuffling through the mail on the entryway table.
He hung his keys on the wall. “If it was obvious I wouldn't ask you.”
I furrowed my brow. “Didn't you see me drink two mimosas today? I haven't had a drink in weeks because I was sure I was pregnant. And instead of ringing in the New Year with Holly's wedding and a positive pregnancy test, we find out that I'm not pregnant for the twelfth month in a row! I feel like we’ll never get pregnant.”
“I know it's been a year, but that doesn't mean you'll never get pregnant.”
“Well, it doesn't look good. I'm turning thirty-five next month. Do you know what that means?” I slammed the short stack of mail down on the table.
He shrugged.
My eyes widened and I raised my voice. Why didn’t he get it? “It means my chances of conceiving naturally are reduced, not to mention my chances of health risk are increased. If we want to have one baby, let alone two babies, we have to do something before it’s too late.”
“What are you saying?” he asked.
I let out a deep sigh. “We need to see a fertility specialist immediately so we can figure out what's going on and have a family.”
James walked over and took me in his arms. “Marin, we’re already a family.”
The side of my face squished against his strong chest. “You know what I mean.”
“Okay, if seeing a doctor would help, then we should do it.”
The moment the words left his mouth, I felt my body melt into his and a flood of tears rushed to my eyes. It was like the weight of the weekend finally crashed down on me. And as my tears dampened James’ cotton T-shirt, I prayed that starting the year at the bottom would only mean I had nowhere to go but up.
CHAPTER FIVE
Someone Call the Doctor
It was nearly ten o'clock when I realized I hadn't gotten any work done and that time, social media wasn't to blame. Instead, I'd spent the last hour researching fertility doctors in the area, reading message boards of reproductively challenged women, and browsing lists like Five Ways to Get Pregnant on the First Try. The more I read, the more the seed of fear took root. Would I ever get pregnant?
I closed my browser and stepped away from the computer to take a few deep breaths. There was no point in jumping to conclusions. The only thing I knew for sure was that it wouldn’t be easy, but hopefully it wouldn’t be impossible. I took another deep breath and left my office for a cup of tea. Katie's door was open, so I peeked my head in. She clicked away quietly on her tablet. Ever since we switched to digital records, her desk had been a lot cleaner. “Do you have a second?” I asked.
She didn't look up from the screen. “Sure, what's up?”
I closed the door most of the way and sat in one of the faux-leather chairs in front of her desk. “I need to ask you about something.”
Katie pulled her reading glasses down the bridge of her nose and looked at me. Her loose bun of fiery red hair looked like it would topple at any moment. “I
s this about the fourth partner idea I brought up at the meeting? Because Andy's given me a lot of shit about it since then.”
I hadn’t thought much about her proposal to bring another partner into the practice. I bit my lower lip. Maybe I should’ve given that some thought. In the meantime, I had more pressing matters to deal with. “No, actually, I wanted to ask you about your kids.”
“My kids?” she asked, as if it was odd that I was curious about her children. Which, come to think of it, it was, but mostly because she didn’t talk about them more than necessary. I got the feeling that when she was at work, she didn’t want to think about home. Then again, maybe it was because she was going through a tough divorce those last couple of years.
“Well . . . more like your pregnancies. See, James and I have been trying to get pregnant. For a year. And I know that you had Camden when you were about my age, so I was wondering if you had any issues getting pregnant.”
She gave me a sort of pitiful look. “For whatever reason, I had no problem getting pregnant. Both happened quickly.”
“Oh,” I said, frowning. That wasn’t exactly fair, was it?
“But every couple’s different. Just because it's been a while, doesn't mean that you can't get pregnant. It just means you might have to try a little harder, that's all,” she said in her you-can-do-it voice.
I let out a long sigh. “I know. I'm just upset because I've been walking around here for the past week thinking that I was pregnant. Then I got my period at Holly's wedding.”
She cringed.
“I think it's time to see a specialist, which, to be honest, scares the shit out of me. What if they test me and tell me that I'll never get pregnant?”
“Or what if they do a couple things and you have a baby this fall?” Her optimism soothed my fears for the moment. It was possible. “I didn't have a hard time, but one of my girlfriends did. She got pregnant at thirty-seven and raved about her doctor. I'll get the number and email it to you.” Katie was already texting away on her phone.