Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy
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SORRY I RUINED YOUR ORGY
Bradley Sands
Lazy Fascist Press
Portland, OR
Praise for Bradley Sands
“Nothing I could dream up compares to the strangeness and wildness of Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy. You should read this book.”
—Shane Jones, author of Light Boxes
“Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy is like an Adult Swim show written by Russell Edson.”
—Carlton Mellick III, author of The Faggiest Vampire
“There’s a place past all reason, most possibility, and all the jokes I can think of. A place shaped kind of like the human heart. Bradley Sands doesn’t write about this place, but he writes from it, pushing farther into the unguessable with each word, each scene.”
—Stephen Graham Jones, author of Demon Theory
“There is a disorienting alchemy at work in Sands’ fiction.”
—Rayo Casablanca, author of 6 Sick Hipsters
“Sands is a talented, fearsome, comic visionary who will usher you into the psychedelic matrix of futurity.”
—D. Harlan Wilson, author of Dr. Identity
“Reading the work of Bradley Sands caused me to vomit happiness from my eyeballs. Highly recommended.”
—Kevin L. Donihe, author of House of Houses
LAZY FASCIST PRESS
830 SW 18TH AVENUE
PORTLAND, OR 97205
WWW.LAZYFASCIST.COM
ISBN: 1-936383-15-2
Copyright © 2010 by Bradley Sands
www.bradleysands.com
Cover art copyright © 2010 by Sam Pink
www.impersonalelectroniccommunication.com
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written consent of the publisher, except where permitted by law.
Printed in the USA
Acknowledgements
“Seth Schultz,” “Brave Contestant of Faith,” “Cormac McCarthy,” and “Tao Lin” first appeared in Spine Road
“Eggs Benedict” first appeared in NOÖ Journal in a slightly different form
“Refrain” first appeared in Zero Ducats
“The Attic,” “The Den,” “The Study,” and “The Laundry Room” first appeared in Word Riot
“Today Brandi Wells’ Cat Fell Out of a Tree But He Was Not Upset” first appeared in Brandi Wells Review
“The Fall of Atlantis,” “Bread and Body of Christ,” “Debunking the Bard,” and “How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed” first appeared in Olympus Found
“A Suicidal Amputee Tries to Kill Himself by Rolling Off His Bed, Down the Stairs, Through the Screen Door, and Into Traffic; Some Dominican Kids Poke Him With Sticks Too, and an Eagle Shits on Him” first appeared in Zygote in My Coffee
“Want to Hear Something Really Creepy?” first appeared in Twaddle Magazine
“Magic Show” first appeared in New Dead Families
“A Sloth and the Newspaper Boy” first appeared Wamack: A Journal of the Arts
“Liquid Gold” first appeared in Opium Magazine in a slightly different form
“The Detective” first appeared in No Colony
“In the Airport” first appeared in THE2NDHAND
“The Adventures of a Small, Ceramic Giraffe in Tudor England” first appeared in Kek-w Quarterly
“Four Answers to Four Questions” first appeared in (r)evolve: Naropa University Summer Writing Program Magazine
“The Lunch Date” first appeared in The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction
“The Architects of the Dismantling” first appeared in Mud Luscious in a slightly different form.
“Archeologist” first appeared in Lamination Colony
“A Headless Man Falls in Love with a Bowl of Rice” first appeared in Magazine of the Dead
“In the Restaurant” first appeared in decomP, reprinted in The &Now Awards: The Best Innovative Writing
“Defeat of the Mountain Spirit” first appeared in Micro 100
“The Writer” appeared in The Dream People
Contents
Seth Schultz
Eggs Benedict
Refrain
Brave Contestant of Faith
Temporomandibular
A Man Buys a Gun After Losing His Remote Control
The Attic
Today Brandi Wells’ Cat Fell Out of a Tree But He Was Not Upset
The Fall of Atlantis
A Suicidal Amputee Tries to Kill Himself By Rolling Off His Bed, Down the Stairs, Through the Screen Door, and Into Traffic; Some Dominican Kids Poke Him With Sticks Too, and an Eagle and an Eagle Shits on Him
Want To Hear Something Really Creepy?
Magic Show
Going At It Like...
Electric Boogaloo
The Time Traveling Giraffe Is On Fire
Cormac McCarthy
Bread and Body of Christ
A Sloth and the Newspaper Boy
Liquid Gold
The Den
Tao Lin
The Detective
Birthday Present
Reading Sam Pink
Debunking the Bard
Hide and Seek Champion
In the Airport
The Adventures of a Small, Ceramic Giraffe in Tudor England
Four Answers to Four Questions
The Lunch Date
Time to Eat
The Ghost Parade
The Study
A Texas Cowboy and His Pal, The Genie, on Vacation
The Architects of the Dismantling
Archeologist
Caterpillars and Watermelons
A Headless Man Falls in Love with a Bowl of Rice
The Time Traveling Giraffe Defies God
In the Restaurant
Gathered in Nerdy Congress
The Laundry Room
Crawling Over Fifty Good Pussies to Get One Fat Boy’s Asshole
Invincible
Alligator in Space
Scenes from the Life of a Greeting Card Designer
Defeat of the Mountain Spirit
One of Those Poorly Written Stories That Are Impossible to Follow Because There Are Too Many Goddamn Characters
Hold-up
The Writer
How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed
Electronic Gaming News
Seth Schultz
Seth Schultz goes to an orgy. He is not dressed appropriately. The invitation told him to come wearing nothing. He is wearing something. The man at the door tells him he cannot enter the orgy in a bear costume. Seth Schultz tears out the man’s throat with his fake bear teeth and runs through the door growling. People stop who they are fucking to give Seth Schultz an opportunity to devour their innards. The next morning, the ghost of Seth Schultz’s friend calls him on the telephone. She says, “I am among the things which shall not be spoken.” Seth Schultz responds, “Sorry I ruined your orgy.”
Eggs Benedict
for Mike Young
I am sitting by myself in a booth, eating Eggs Benedict. It is during peak hours. I have been eating the same breakfast for the past 72 weeks. The waitresses have started to give me dirty looks. Hungry, tableless people also give me dirty looks. A Tyrannosaurus rex sits down across from me. She is a very rude Tyrannosaurus rex. I say, “You are a very rude Tyrannosaurus rex. You should have asked if it was okay to sit at my table.” The Tyrannosaurus rex does not respond. I leer at her. She feeds coins into the jukebox. Her eyes become fluorescent lights. Her teeth become a stack of menus. Her mouth becomes the door to the women’s bathroom. She becomes the diner. The diner is sittin
g across from me. I feel lightheaded. The diner is a very rude diner. I say, “You are a very rude diner. You should have asked if it was okay to sit at my table.” The diner asks for my hand in marriage. This catches me off guard. Women never ask me this question. I always ask this question. I weigh my options. I determine my response. I open my mouth to release it. The Eggs Benedict slips a diaphragm between its muffin and poached egg. This turns me on. I do not know why. Diaphragms do not usually have this effect on me. I have second thoughts about my response. I do not want to live in a world where I cannot take pleasure in a willing participant who is not my diner. The diaphragm turns into a puddle of Hollandaise sauce. A waitress touches my arm. She says, “I’m sorry, but we need your table.” I look to the diner for guidance, but her seat is empty.
Refrain
The man walked on a city street. Above, a construction worker stood on a scaffold, thinking about his problems. He accidentally walked off the scaffold, fell. The worker landed, unharmed. The man’s death bore the brunt of his weight. The death went like this: crunch, brightness, pressure, red vision, fade.
No, it did not happen this way.
The man walked on a country road. He wore an eye patch over his left eye. It was the only thing preventing him from seeing. A car drove nearby with the radio on. A song played. It was not good. The driver agreed. She turned the knob. She turned the wheel. The car’s bumper forced the man on the ground. Its front right tire crushed his throat. The death went like this: sensation, smother blind, no breath.
We have it wrong again.
The man walked on the moon. He wore an eye patch over his eye. It was the only thing preventing him from seeing. He liked pirates. He sacrificed his peripheral vision to his interests. Another man was on the moon. He was not in it. The other man wondered how the man ended up on the moon, how he was able to breathe. He was not able to breathe. He clutched his chest, stopped walking. Stopped breathing. The death went like this: frazzle, no breath.
This is only what they want you to think.
The man walked down his driveway, got into his car. He wore an eye patch over his eye. It was the only thing preventing him from seeing. He liked pirates. He sacrificed his peripheral vision to his interests. He put the car in reverse, thought about the treasure hidden in his walls. When he reached the end of the driveway, he turned the wheel, backed out some more, put the car in drive, turned right. He drove, started to make his first left, crossed over the opposite lane, thought about parrots with big mouths. A car smashed into his right side, pushed him into the front of a stopped bus. The death went like this: plastic bubbles, red vision, “Is my head coming off?”
“Yes, it is.”
Fuck all this lying.
The man walked up a mountain. He wore an eye patch over his eye. It was the only thing preventing him from seeing. He liked pirates. He sacrificed his peripheral vision to his interests. His bathtub at home was filled with grog. So was his canteen. He took a sip, gagged. He reached the top of the mountain, sat, stared, felt awed by the beauty of the horizon. Stood up, walked down, got into his car, drove home. The life went like this: joy, bills, sorrow, weariness, contentment, quest for the perfect last words.
Brave Contestant of Faith
for xTx
Jack is a contestant on the game show, God or No God. He is starving and would like to win a million dollars to end his hunger. Jack’s chair hangs above a 20-car pileup. While his astral body sits in the chair, his physical body is embedded in a car windshield. Jack’s hand is on a buzzer. He is waiting for Chuck Barrett to ask a question. Chuck Barrett does not exist. If Jack does not answer Chuck Barrett’s non-existent question correctly, he will be ejected from his chair. He will be hurled into a different state. A state between shards and nothingness. If he does answer Jack Barrett’s non-existent question correctly, he will be able to buy many loaves of bread. Chuck Barrett asks his non-existent question. The non-existent question has a non-existent answer. Jack does not know the answer because it is non-existent. Since his hunger would prefer many loaves of bread over a state between shards and nothingness, he prays to God. He asks God to reveal the non-existent answer. He promises he will share his loaves of bread with God in return for His wisdom. He waits for God’s answer. But God does not speak. Instead, God comes down from the heavens and tap dances and causes earthquakes and envy. Then God’s head turns into a balloon, separates from His body, and rises. God’s torso falls down in the dirt. Jack’s time runs out. God’s tap dancing routine and ascension have not helped him answer Chuck Barrett’s non-existent question. He swallows the shards and they taste like earwax-flavored Starburst and he repents of his sins.
Temporomandibular
There is a kitten in my mouth
I cannot go to sleep without her in my mouth
or I wake up with pain in my head
She is not really a kitten
She is something so dull that
I feel the urge to tell you she is a kitten
Sometimes when I’m relaxing
I start to nod off
and I need to wake myself up
and put the kitten in my mouth
or face the consequences
My life was so much better
before I had to go through the intricate ritual
of putting a kitten in my mouth at bedtime
It takes a long time to catch her
A Man Buys a Gun After Losing His Remote Control
The man has been watching Everybody Loves Raymond reruns for the last ten years. He has been looking for his lost remote for the last ten years. His remote is not underneath the couch cushions. His remote is not in the refrigerator. His remote is not floating in the clouds. The man has given up on finding the remote, but not on the possibility of watching a show that isn’t Everybody Loves Raymond. He goes to the gun shop. Buys a gun. Goes home. Sits on the couch. Loads the gun. Puts it next to his head. Changes the channel. The man finds it difficult to watch Seinfeld reruns with his brains all over the screen.
The Attic
Dad is the only family member who has been in the attic. It is where he keeps his second family. He has warned his wife and sons not to go up there. “The floor is filled with holes. You need to know where to step or you will fall. I know where to step. I will never fall.” Dad sometimes brings things up to the attic. They are things the family does not need but feels bad about throwing out. He relocates these items so his family will never suspect the attic is anything but a storage space. He relocates these items so his other family has objects that remind them of their existence. Some fathers escape to the movies after having loud arguments with their wives. Dad relocates items to the attic and spends the night with his conflict-free backup family.
Today Brandi Wells’ Cat Fell Out of a Tree But He Was Not Upset
for Brandi Wells
The tree grows bitter fruit. It does not enjoy its flavor. It washes away the taste by snickering at the atrocities of gravity. Children like to climb its branches. They do not like to fall down, but they cannot help it. They cannot help bleeding and crying. The tree nourishes itself on blood and tears. Blood and tears wash away the bitter fruit. Blood and tears are delicious and overwhelming.
Brandi Wells’ cat does not like to bleed and cry. Brandi Wells’ cat likes to climb trees. When he climbs a tree, he does not see a tree filled with bitter fruit. He sees friendly bee squishy toys hanging off its branches. Brandi Wells’ cat makes nice with a friendly bee. He makes it go squishy. He makes it go squeak. He makes it go squishy and squeak and he loses his footing. He falls out of the tree. The tree prepares to wash away its bitterness. But Brandi Wells’ cat does not bleed. Brandi Wells’ cat does not cry. Brandi Wells’ cat is not upset. He is not an atrocity of gravity. While the falling children felt air and emptiness, Brandi Wells’ cat made nice with a parachute of sunshine in an atmosphere of cotton candy.
The Fall of Atlantis
It is beautiful outside. The beauty makes Atlantis wa
nt to go outside for a walk. Atlantis is already outside. It just needs to start walking. It needs to tear itself from the ground. So Atlantis tears itself from the ground. Atlantis’s denizens are not happy about Atlantis tearing itself from the ground. But Atlantis’s denizens will have to learn to deal with Atlantis tearing itself from the ground. It is beautiful outside. Atlantis walks through jungles of caterpillar and deserts of ostrich and forests of elephant and alleys of pterodactyl. Upon reaching a field of bricks, Atlantis is pushed by Push the bully. Atlantis falls. Its denizens die. But Atlantis’s denizens will have to learn to deal with dying. It is beautiful outside.