She was doing her best to kill the rumors and speculation about their relationship. Between Marco’s “neighbor” comment, Theo’s constant inquiries, and Deanna’s not-so-subtle remarks, she was fairly sure that the cat was out of the bag, but that didn’t stop her from trying her best to shove that sucker right back in.
If there were any chance that she and Eli could be together, she’d let everyone talk and not give it a second thought. But with their past, a future would be impossible. She was already living down a failed marriage. The last thing she needed was to add a failed rebound reunion to the mix.
“Corner pocket.” Eli’s arms flexed as he called his shot and then his piercing blue eyes lifted to hers. “If I make this, you dance with me.”
“And if you don’t?” Mackenzie countered as her pulse picked up speed like it was jogging down a steep hill.
Eli didn’t answer. Instead, his lips turned up as he pulled the cue back and with his eyes still locked with hers, he pushed the stick forward. A loud crack sounded as the white ball hit the eight ball and it sank into the corner pocket he’d called.
It was…sexy.
Mackenzie found herself holding her breath as Eli straightened, leaned his cue against the table, and closed the distance between them in two strides. “Dance with me.”
It wasn’t a question, it was a demand. Mackenzie knew all of the reasons why she shouldn’t. She knew all of the reasons why this was a bad idea. She knew all of the reasons why this would end with her heart broken even more than it already was. She knew that the smart thing, the right thing, the best thing to do would be for her to walk away.
Still, she found herself letting him lead her to the dance floor in the center of the bar. When he stopped and wrapped his arms around her, she automatically lifted her hands to his shoulders and folded into his embrace. The moment that she surrendered, her entire being melted into his. Nothing felt as good and as safe as being surrounded by Eli’s strength. It had always been her favorite place. His hands rested on her lower back and she could feel the heat of his palms through the thin cotton of her shirt as his fingers moved slowly back and forth, tracing the waistline of her jeans.
As they swayed to the music, her head naturally rested against his chest and the beating of his heart pulsed against her cheek. Closing her eyes, she pretended that this was real. At that moment nothing else existed or mattered. Time suspended. She let go of the past, didn’t worry about the future, and allowed herself just to be.
When she felt the rough pads of his fingers slip between the cotton of her shirt and brush against the skin of her lower back a shiver of pleasure rushed through her. Wanting to be even nearer to him she threaded her hands behind his neck and nuzzled even closer.
“Kenzie.” A rumble vibrated through Eli’s chest as he said her name, setting off a slow burn of teasing heat through her. His lips grazed the top of her head as he spoke. “We need to talk.”
The words hit her like a cold splash of water to her face, abruptly bringing her momentary reprieve to a shuddering halt. She couldn’t be sure what they needed to talk about, but she assumed it was most likely the large I-left-without-saying-a-word-to-you-on-the-day-we-were-supposed-to-elope elephant in the room. Now, more than ever, she knew that she wouldn’t be able to handle hearing his reasons for doing what he did. This dance, being in his arms, and remembering how it once was had only opened up more vulnerability in her.
Life wasn’t fair. She’d learned that lesson on her tenth birthday. Her brother getting hurt and her mother leaving had taught her that it didn’t matter how much you loved someone or how much they loved you, they left. It also taught her that it didn’t matter if they left voluntarily or not; the devastating aftermath was the same. She just couldn’t face his reasons no matter what they were.
Lifting her head, she sucked in a shaky breath as she spoke with more conviction than she had the first time he’d suggested it. “I told you that I don’t want to talk about anything. I’m here to work. Nothing’s changed.”
“You also said we weren’t friends. Has that changed?”
Crap.
She had said that. Were they friends? If she answered honestly, she’d have to admit that what she felt for him was a heck of a lot more than friendly, so she decided not to go with the truth. Her tongue wet the seam of her mouth before she boldly stated, “No.”
His nostrils flared, and for a moment she was sure that he was going to argue with her. But instead, he smiled down at her with a self-satisfied smirk.
That reaction confused her. “What?”
“Nothing,” he answered with his cat-that-ate-the-canary grin still in place.
Her eyes narrowed. “Why are you smiling like you know something I don’t?”
“I wouldn’t usually feel comfortable discussing something so personal with someone who’s not my friend but since I know that you’re lying—”
“You don’t know that.” She interrupted with false conviction.
“Yes I do,” he responded with confidence.
Since he was right she decided not to call his bluff. She lifted her shoulders in a shrug. “Whatever.”
In what was either perfect or horrible timing, the song ended. Their dance was over. Her reaction was balanced between relief and disappointment. When the next one began playing, she started to walk off the dance floor, but his fingers flexed into her lower back.
“One more dance.”
Just like before, it wasn’t a request, it was a mandate. And just like before, her response was complete cooperation. She laid her head against his shoulder with a sigh of resignation.
“You licked your lips.”
“What?” her voice was thin as she kept her head pressed against him.
“You licked your lips before you answered,” he explained casually. “That’s your tell when you’re lying.”
Crap. He was right. It was her tell.
She hadn’t been aware of that particular tick until Eli had pointed it out to her right after they’d started dating. It made sense that she hadn’t since she’d never really had anything to lie about before that time. But since her dad didn’t approve of Eli she’d had to lie when she was going to see him. And it wasn’t just her dad she’d lied to. She’d lied to her brother, grandmother, Deanna, and her other friends. Anytime they wanted to spend time together she’d make up excuses about where she was going to be.
At first, it had been kind of fun. But the longer they were together and the older they got, the less fun it was. Eli had tried to convince her to let him talk to her father because he’d hated all the sneaking around. Especially after they’d started sleeping together. He wanted everyone to know that they were together. That he was hers and she was his.
Mackenzie always convinced him to leave it be. At the time, she’d believed her reasons were simple, she hadn’t wanted to upset her father or rock the boat at home. There was enough tension in her house between her mom being gone and her brother’s special needs. But looking back she realized her real motivation had been fear. She’d been afraid that if her father found out, he’d find a way to take Eli away from her. It had been her greatest fear, and it had come true anyway.
“I think you forget how well I know you.” Eli’s thumb traced circles at the base of her spine. It was something he used to do all the time. It had always both aroused and relaxed her. “I know you. I know that you talk with your hands when you get mad. You get hiccups when you’re nervous. You hyperventilate when you get excited. Your nose twitches when you’re stressed. You keep a stash of—”
“Stop!” she cut him off and pulled out of his arms as tears threatened to crash the party. Frustration, pain, and anger that had been just beneath the surface all came to a head as she sniffed and looked directly into his eyes. “Just stop. I don’t…I can’t…I never doubted that you knew me. I see what you’re doing. I know what you’ve been doing all night. This isn’t a game where you can win points by proving that you can still get und
er my skin or that you remember random facts about me.
“What do you want? Do you think there’s a prize for proving that I still have feelings for you or that you know that I lick my lips when I lie?
“There’s not.” She stretched her arms out, not caring that her voice was rising with each word she spoke. “This is my life, and you chose not to be a part of it. Maybe you had a good reason, or maybe you were just a chicken-shit asshole. I don’t know and guess what? I. Don’t. Care. Actions have consequences. You made your choice, and now I’m making my choice. I’m done.” She waved her hand between them. “This is done.”
Mackenzie turned to leave, and Eli reached out wrapping his hand around her wrist. “Kenzie, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he croaked.
“I know.” She tugged her hand away and walked out of the bar.
She’d thought that getting all of that off her chest would’ve been a lot more satisfying than it was. But right now all she felt was empty and alone.
Chapter 11
‡
Kenzie bit her lip as she stared out the window at Eli’s cabin. After delivering her dramatic speech and stomping out of the bar, Theo had followed her, and they’d gone to the B&B to go over footage and discuss shoots for the next week. She’d gotten back to the cottage over an hour ago and she’d spent the entire time pacing and checking the window to see if she saw any lights on at Eli’s.
She’d let her emotions get the better of her, and the worst part was that the only person she wanted to talk to was the one person that she couldn’t.
She’d thought it was difficult being away from him during the years she didn’t know where he was, but those times had been nothing compared to the torture of being this close to him and still not being with him.
When she was younger, she could see his bedroom window from hers. Now she had no idea which one of the three darkened windows that lined the back of his house was his bedroom. Or if none of them were.
She hadn’t had nightmares since she’d started therapy eight years ago. But she’d had one last night and the night before that. She’d woken up in the middle of the night both times and was unable to fall back asleep.
The dream was the same one that had haunted her in her youth. It always started the same way. It was her tenth birthday, and the phone rang, and she answered it. It’s her mother saying that if she doesn’t get to the hospital, her brother is going to die. She drops the phone and takes off running, but all of the doors of her house are locked. She bangs on the doors, on the windows, but can’t get out no matter how hard she tries.
The phone rings again, and when she picks it up, it’s her brother crying out for help. So she keeps trying. She keeps running around to all the doors in sheer terror but none of them open. It feels as if she’s trapped there for days. Sometimes she wakes up while she’s still in the house. But sometimes, the really bad times, it ends with her in a coffin with her brother. They’re both alive, but she can feel herself and her brother being lowered into the ground. She tries to scream, but no sound comes out. She tries to kick and punch, but she can’t move.
When she finally wakes up, she’s usually in the middle of a full-blown panic attack. She feels like the walls are closing in and she can’t breathe. The claustrophobia is all-consuming. That’s how she ended up climbing into Eli’s window the first time.
She’d had one of her dreams and ran out of her house, needing to get air. She’d run over the train tracks, no idea where she was headed when Eli had seen her and called out. He’d been in his room playing video games and he climbed down the tree that sat on the side of his house. It had branches that made the perfect ladder.
He’d asked her what was wrong and she told him that she had a bad dream. She didn’t go into detail because she didn’t want him to think she was crazy and saying she had been scared by a bad dream was embarrassing enough. He didn’t even blink, though. He just smiled and asked her if she wanted to hang out and play video games with him.
She could still feel the relief that had rushed through her when she’d followed him up the tree, stepping where he stepped and then climbing through his window after him. They played Street Fighter for an hour and then when she started yawning, he’d put on The Sandlot. And she’d fallen asleep. He’d woken her up at dawn so she could go back to her house and not get in trouble.
After that, every time she had a nightmare, she’d run to his house and climb through the window.
Her heart was pounding as she stood now, staring out at his house. There was a huge part of her that wanted to say screw it and run over to his house. But she knew that if she did that lines would be crossed. Not like the lines when they were dancing. Those had been written in pencil and could be erased. If she knocked on his door, the lines that would be crossed would be the ones that were drawn in permanent black marker.
“Stop,” she told herself as she dropped the curtain and stepped away from the window.
She picked up her phone to try and distract herself and saw that she’d missed a call from Happy Trails and she remembered she’d never turned her phone off silent after filming today. She quickly pulled up the voicemail and pushed play.
“Hey, Mackenzie. This is Ingrid at Happy Trails. I just wanted to let you know that Kenny is displaying some behavior that would lead us to believe he’s anxious about your visit. His behavior has been growing increasingly more agitated by the day. I know that we’d discussed it and the plan was to give him time to acclimate to the idea of seeing you in person. However, in light of his change in behavior, I spoke to Dr. Rylan and he thinks it would be best if you don’t wait until Saturday to visit. He believes that the sooner you can come visit the better. Give me a call if you have any questions.”
Kenzie deleted the message and immediately called Theo. He answered on the second ring. “Hey.”
She heard a giggle in the background.
“Where are you?”
“At the B&B.”
She’d left him fifteen minutes ago. The guy worked fast. “Am I interrupting something?”
“Nah, what’s up?”
She’d make it quick. “Do you think you can handle filming tomorrow? We don’t have any one-on-ones scheduled.”
“Where are you going to be?”
“I need to go see my brother.”
“Sure. I can go with you,” he offered. “All we planned on covering was sparring and day-in-the-life stuff. We can grab that anytime.”
“No, I’m good. But thanks.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I want to do this alone.” That was a lie. She wanted to do it with Eli. She was nervous about seeing her family, even her brother and he’d always had a way with them. When Kenny got upset he could always calm him down and her grandmother had always loved him.
“Okay,” he agreed, but she could tell he wasn’t happy about it.
Another giggle sounded.
Mackenzie smiled, at least one of them was having a good time tonight. “I’ll let you go. Have fun.”
“Always.”
The line went dead, and she decided the best thing for her to do would be to take a shower. Go to bed. Hopefully get a good night’s sleep. And then wake up early and head down the mountain. Maybe after a day away from here, she’d gain some perspective. Maybe she wouldn’t feel sick to her stomach every time she thought about Eli. Maybe it would be just what she needed to process her feelings.
Or maybe she’d come back just as confused and miserable as she was now.
If she were a gambler, her money would be on the latter.
*
Eli was up and out of bed the second he heard the knock. It had taken everything in him not to go to the cottage when he’d seen Kenzie return. But he was trying to respect her wishes, even if it killed him.
Hearing the things she’d told him tonight had been a harsh reality check. It had put a mirror up and he hadn’t liked what he’d seen. She’d called him out on what he’d been doing, and he felt l
ike shit about it. He’d thought for sure that he’d completely blown any chance he had to talk to her again.
But she was here. He didn’t need to answer the door to know it was her, he felt it in his bones. Maybe she’d come to yell at him. Maybe she’d come to tell him that she didn’t want anything to do with him again. Or maybe she’d come to demand answers he couldn’t give her to questions she deserved to ask. He didn’t care what had brought her banging on his door, all that mattered was she was here.
The thundering heartbeat in his chest was matched only by the pounding on the door.
He swung the door open to find a dripping wet Kenzie in a robe. “There’s water coming out of the ceiling! There’s water everywhere!”
“Shit!” He rushed past her and took off at a sprint across the grass area that sat between his house and the cottages.
He’d warned Jay about this issue when the Pell’s had complained about a leak. He’d patched it up for them but knew that it wouldn’t hold forever. He could hear the water spraying as he rounded the corner and turned off the water. When he went back around to the front, he saw Kenzie standing in front of the cottage out of breath and shivering as she held her robe. She was shifting from one foot to the other with a grimace on her face. She must’ve stepped on pinecones and twigs as she’d run in the dark.
Without saying a word, he stalked over to her and scooped her off her feet.
“Hey!” She shrieked as her arms snaked around his neck. “What are you doing?!”
He didn’t slow his long, purposeful strides. “Taking you to my house.”
“I can’t…I need to…The water…” she stammered.
“I’ll take care of it,” he promised as he did his best not to let his eyes drift down. When he’d picked her up, her robe had fallen open enough that there was a significant amount of cleavage peeking out at him.
“I can walk,” she argued.
“You have bare feet.”
“So do you.”
Just like the tantalizing skin that was exposed he ignored her observation and how good she felt in his arms. He tugged her closer to him, holding her tight as he took the stairs to his porch two at a time. After he opened his front door, he ignored the significance of carrying her over the threshold like a groom would his bride.
Fire and Love (Hope Falls Book 13) Page 10