The Anchor

by B. N. Toler

Edie giggles and drags me to the closet. We talk about her wedding plans, what we’re going to do about Dierk and keeping our guys from murdering him, and eventually, baby names.

  “You don’t have even one name you’ve thought about?” she asks in disbelief.

  I avoid meeting her eyes as I roll up one of Parker’s ties. “Not yet,” I admit. “Parker hasn’t brought it up either you know.”

  “You think he’ll want a junior?”

  I smirk. “If it’s a boy, probably . . . cocky bastard.”

  We’re still in Parker’s closet when we hear the front door open and my stomach instantly grumbles as the thought of Chinese food hits me. My second trimester has turned me into an eating machine. It’s all I want to do.

  “John must be back,” Edie giggles.

  “I’m going to dive face-first into that chicken fried rice,” I warn Edie as she reaches her hands down to help me up from the closet floor.

  Chuckling, she says, “Go for it.”

  I grunt—yes, grunt—as she pulls me to my feet. “Damn,” I huff. “If it’s this hard to stand now, what’s it going to be like at nine months?”

  “Probably worse, but if I can handle horses, I think I can handle you at nine months pregnant.”

  “Aww. You’re the bestest friend ever,” I say.

  “Yeah, that’s not even a word, but I know,” she giggles.

  “Shut up and take the compliment,” I laugh.

  She loops her arm with mine and we head toward the kitchen. We’re just about to exit the bedroom when we hear two male voices. One is definitely Parker’s, but the other I don’t recognize.

  I am so glad tomorrow is my last day. It’s nearly eight and I’m finally heading home. I walk slowly, taking my sweet-ass time, enjoying what might be my last stroll down the streets of New York for a while. I’ll miss the atmosphere, the bright lights, and the way the city never seems to rest. In a way, it’s a lot like me.

  As I step into the elevator in my apartment building, I make plans to take a hot shower, because frankly, I’m exhausted, call Nikki, then try my damnedest to get some sleep. Although I know I probably won’t. Not until I’m near her. Only then can I sleep. I’m sagged against the wall of the elevator as the doors slide closed, but an arm flies out, stopping them. Lifting my gaze, I find Uncle Paul watching me with an angry stare as he steps on. Immediately, I stand straighter. I haven’t spoken to him in weeks and I’m sure by now he’s heard about me quitting the firm.

  The doors slide closed as Paul slips his hands in his pockets, his mouth twisted and brows furrowed as if he’s trying to rein in his anger before he speaks.

  “Paul.” I nod my head in greeting.

  Now he’s blinking rapidly; condescendingly. “Heard you’re making some changes in your life.”

  “You heard right,” I reply, leaning against the wall again and crossing one leg over the other. He’s pissed. I knew he would be. But I’m a man. I don’t have to ask permission to make decisions in my life. “I tried to email you.”

  The elevator dings, indicating we’ve reached our floor and the doors slide open. I follow Paul out and down the hall. “Do you know how many strings I had to pull to get you in over there?” he begins, his tone steady but laced with frustration.

  “I’m sorry, Paul. I appreciate what you did for me, but . . . I need to move back to North Carolina.” I unlock the door to the apartment and open it.

  “For what?” he seethes as he pushes by me.

  There’s no way to break the news to him gently. He’ll be pissed no matter how I put it so I just come out with it. “Because I’m going to be a father.”

  His hands are on his hips as he turns to me, his eyes squinting as if he didn’t hear me right. “What?”

  “Don’t be like that, man. You heard me, Paul,” I counter as I loosen my tie. “I’m going to be a father.”

  His expression goes slack in disgusted disbelief. “Is this a joke?”

  “No. It’s not. I wouldn’t joke about something like this.”

  “Wow. Like father like son,” Paul mumbles as he shakes his head.

  “What the fuck does that mean, Uncle Paul? If you’re implying that my father did the honorable thing by staying by my mother’s side and now I’m doing the same, then yes. I’m just like my father and fucking proud of it.”

  “You know he didn’t love her, Parker. I know she’s your mother, but he did what he thought was right, but really, all he did was deny himself, you, and Maddie the life you deserved. Your mother was beneath him.”

  “Paul,” I growl through clenched teeth, on the verge of losing my cool. “Don’t talk about my mother again,” I warn.

  Paul is a wise man. He drops it and moves on. “Jesus, Parker. Is it the woman I found in your bed? What was her name? Cary?”

  “Karissa. And no, it’s not her. It’s someone else.”

  “Someone else?” He laughs haughtily. “How many women have you been fucking, Parker?”

  “If I want to fuck all of the women in New York, it’s none of your business, Paul!”

  “Well, I’d say you’re close to doing just that!” he shouts. “How could you be so stupid to get some nobody girl knocked up?”

  My anger is boiling through me with each beat of my heart. If he met Nikki, maybe he’d see she’s not like the other women I’ve been with. But he’s angry now and I just want this argument to end. “Paul. Enough. I quit. I’m moving home and I’m making a go of it with the baby’s mother. End of story.”

  “How do you even know it’s yours?”

  “It is his,” a voice cuts in, causing me to whip around. My balls shrivel to the size of raisins. Fuck. Nikki is standing by the master bedroom with Edie at her side. Her shoulders are back, her chin high, and her glassy eyes filled with rage.

  “This is her?” Paul asks.

  “Yes, this is her,” Nikki seethes. “And unlike your nephew, I haven’t fucked all of New York. The baby is his.”

  “Nikki,” I begin, but she holds a hand up, stopping me, closing her eyes as if she’s too angry to look at me.

  Turning to Paul, I say, “I’m leaving this weekend. We have a place in Holly Springs. The baby is due in April.”

  Paul walks up to me and puts a firm hand on my shoulder, squeezing it hard. “I thought you’d do better than he did. I thought you were smarter. I won’t be back this weekend. It should make moving out less uncomfortable for you.” With that, he passes by me and opens the front door to find John, who just happens to be trying to enter as Paul exits.

  “Oh, hey, Paul,” John says, but Paul slips by and doesn’t acknowledge him. The room is silent as John comes in and puts bags of greasy takeout on the counter. Nikki, Edie, and I haven’t said a word; all three of us remain planted where we stand.

  “What’d I miss?” John finally asks.

  “Parker is fucking all of New York, apparently,” Nikki snaps, crossing her arms.

  My head rears back. “What?” I ask, exasperated.

  “He said he found you in bed with some woman named Karissa. Oh, I’m sorry, or did he catch you in bed with Cary, too? We’ve,” she points to me, then herself, “have been together for a while now.”

  I shake my head and step toward her, half smiling. This is just a misunderstanding. I can see how it must have sounded the way Paul worded it. “His wording was misleading,” I explain. “I haven’t been with another woman since a couple of weeks before the engagement party.”

  Her face lifts in a smile, but it’s not a happy one. It’s full of disdain. Fuck. “So while you were calling, texting, and Facebooking me because you couldn’t get me off of your mind, you were fucking other women?”

  “Edie, why don’t we go take a walk?” John interrupts and Edie moves toward him.

  “Yeah,” she murmurs. “We’ll be back in a bit.” The two quickly scurry out, shutting the door behind them. I’ve never seen them haul ass faster.

  Running a hand roughly through my hair, I take a deep bre
ath. “Baby, listen. I swear, since you and I decided to try for an us,” this time I motion a hand between us, “I have not even thought about another woman.”

  “How many women have you been with since we met?”

  Aw, shit. My brows rise. I don’t want to answer this question. Talking about this is sure to lead us down a shitty path. “Does it matter, Nikki? We weren’t together.”

  “It matters to me,” she argues.

  “Why?”

  “Because now I see what I was. I was just a piece of ass to you.”

  Now I’m pissed. I clench my eyes closed as I try to keep calm. “Yeah. Because guys that are only out for a piece of ass call, text, and message a girl who lives states away every fucking day,” I reply sarcastically. “And continue to do it when she won’t respond.”

  “You knew the engagement party was coming up. Maybe you were trying to ensure you’d have a hook-up when you came to town.”

  I snort out a laugh. “Are you fucking serious?”

  “Yes, I’m fucking serious,” she yells.

  I stare at her blankly. Is she really trying to break up with me over women I slept with before we got together? “I’m not answering your fucking question because it’s bullshit.”

  “Or because you’re ashamed.”

  Maybe it’s the exhaustion or the stress, or maybe it’s that everyone has a breaking point and Nikki has finally pushed me to mine, but I snap. I thought showing her that I’m here, supporting her, even when she’s scared and making it almost impossible, might help her grow to trust me, trust that I’m here no matter what. But I can see this is a game we’ll always play. She doesn’t trust me or any man, courtesy of her fucked-up father. My expression must reveal how angry I am because when I step toward her, she steps back and keeps going until her back hits the wall. I get as close to her as I can, my face an inch from hers when I say, “I have given up my job, this apartment, my plans, and I’ve done it happily to be with you. I’ve done it to give you and our child everything you both deserve. And every time I turn around, you’re testing me, pushing me away.”

  She turns her chin and looks away from me. I rest my head on her shoulder and inhale deeply, attempting to calm my thundering heart. “Don’t do this. Please don’t do this.”

  “You did this,” she murmurs.

  Raising my head, I find she’s still looking away from me. “Look at me, Nikki.”

  When she drags her gaze back to mine, her lips are flat in resentment. “Do you really believe that I’d cheat on you? I mean, really?”

  She raises her chin and squares her shoulders, as she always does when she needs courage. “I do.”

  My stomach drops with her words. That fucking hurt. I can see how what she heard my uncle say might have confused her, but I’m telling her the truth. And if she can’t see that, if she can’t at least try to believe me . . . then she doesn’t fucking know me at all.

  “Don’t you know by now I’m crazy about you? How can you not know?” I rasp. She doesn’t respond, just slightly turns her head and closes her eyes.

  “Okay,” I say, calmly, as I back away. “You just remember, I’m not the asshole here. You are. I’m not the one giving up. That’s you.”

  She scowls at me. “Yeah, you,” I confirm. “You said you’d try. You said you’d fight. You lied,” I seethe quietly.

  “I have tried,” she shouts.

  “Don’t fool yourself. No, you fucking haven’t,” I boom. There went staying calm. “You’ve done everything in your power to break me—break us. You keep talking about how hard it is. . . . how hard life is going to be. Have you ever thought that maybe ninety percent of the hard shit is because of you?”

  “Don’t try to flip this on me. This is about you!” she growls as she pokes my chest with a firm finger. “While I’ve been in Holly Springs, you’ve been here screwing other women.”

  “No, I haven’t.”

  “Whatever,” she snaps. “Like you’d admit it anyway.”

  I hold my hands up in surrender as I back away from her. “I guess you have it all figured out then. Because you’ve decided every man out there is a dick, it must be so.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means, because your father treated you like shit, now I have to eat shit to be with you.” She winces with my words and I know I’ve gone too far, but I don’t stop. “No matter what I do, how hard I try, how patient I am, it will never be enough. Because he’s a dick, I must be one too. Well, guess what, Nikki? I’m. Not. Him,” I grit out through clenched teeth.

  “This isn’t about my father,” she responds, her voice stoic as if she’s already tuned me out.

  I snort disdainfully. This has everything to do with her father. But if she refuses to admit it, maybe it is something else. I just wish I knew what the fuck was the issue so I could fix it. “Then maybe you don’t want me,” I wager, hoping she’ll argue, deny it, but she doesn’t and it shreds me. I growl in frustration. “No matter what you want,” I finally manage, “I will be there for my kid.” Walking to the corner desk, I pour myself a Scotch and toss it back. After the burn in my throat lessens, I turn to her and take a deep breath. I thought I could show her life can be great even if our dreams change. I thought loving her, caring for her, would somehow make her happy and excited about us and the baby even if it’s not what either of us planned. But I can’t. What else can I say now? There’s nothing I can say. She’s made her mind up that I will fail her no matter what I do. She thinks I’ve cheated on her. And she thinks our child has ruined everything. Grabbing my keys, I look back to her and she’s still leaning on the wall. “I’m sorry I’ve ruined your life, Nikki. But I’m fucking excited about this kid. I love it already. If you don’t want the baby, I’ll gladly take it after it’s born and you can go back to doing whatever the fuck it was you were doing before you ever met me. Every kid deserves to be wanted.”

  When I walk out the door, I slam it behind me.

  I’m still plastered to the wall, my eyes shockingly wide, my hand pressed tightly to the little bump on my stomach. Parker’s words were the equivalent of a sucker punch to the gut. He just took every horrible thought I’ve had for the past few months and threw them in my face. Shame washes over me and hurts like a motherfucker. If you don’t want the baby, I’ll gladly take it . . . I’ve dreaded having this baby. I’ve hated myself for feeling that way, but it’s true. My life is no longer my own and I’ve resented this unborn child for taking it from me. But not once, ever, have I thought of giving it up. Or worse, having it taken from me. A feeling so foreign and terrifying hits me, and I crumble to the floor. Fear. I’ve been scared all along, but not this kind of fear. This is primal. This is knowing I’d lay my life down for this baby. I’d give it all to protect it. And for the first time in weeks, my outlook changes. What I was before doesn’t matter. All that matters now is my child. A sob breaks free from my chest as I wrap my arms around my waist. “I’m so sorry,” I tell my belly as if the child growing within me can hear me and understand. Parker found out about the baby and not once has he complained. Not once has he whined and that’s all I’ve done. And he let me, believing I’d come around; seeing a better part of me that he knew would come through in the end. And I just sent him away. I broke him—broke us. “I’ll fix this,” I promise a whisper to our child. “I swear.” Parker will come back. I know he will. He always comes back, even when he shouldn’t. But this time, I won’t let him leave again. I mean it. I will fix this.

  I don’t know how long I sit on the floor, but I don’t get up until Edie and John return and help me to the sofa. I’m an emotional mess and I can’t stop crying.

  “What happened?” Edie asks as she sits beside me and hugs me. I rest my head on her shoulder and sob.

  “I’m an asshole. That’s what happened.”

  “I’m going to go look for Parker,” John says, and I raise my head to see him typing on his phone. I imagine he’s probably texting Parker to see where he is.r />
  “No.” Edie hugs me tightly, and then stands. “Let me.”

  John’s brows rise as he darts his eyes from me to Edie. “Uh . . .”

  “Where is he?” Just as she asks, John’s phone chimes and after he opens the text, he shows it to her. She kisses his cheek and says, “I’ll be back.”

  After she leaves, John goes into the kitchen and brings me back a Coke. I half smile as a thank you as I take a sip. He sits on the coffee table in front of me with his forearms on his knees and laces his fingers together.

  “You want to talk about it?” he asks.

  My crying has calmed some, but my breathing is still erratic. “I-I m-messed up,” I hiccup. When it comes right down to it, I believe Parker. I believe he hasn’t been with anyone since we agreed to try and make things work. But there’s a part me that can’t help but believe he would let me down that way. But I know that’s just my insecurity talking. Even with that reasoning, there’s something else tugging at me, bothering me. Paul mentioned Parker’s father ruining his life by staying with Adele and Parker argued that his father did the honorable thing. Is that what Parker is doing? Is he staying with me because he thinks it’s the right thing to do?

  “What if he’s only with me because he’s trying to do what he thinks is right?” I whisper.

  John sighs and rubs the back of his neck. “Parker is an honorable man. I agree,” he replies. “But I think we both know he’s in this for the right reasons, Nikki, and it’s not just because he thinks it’s the right thing to do.”

  Tears stream down my face and John quickly hops up and returns with a box of tissues he grabbed from one of the side tables, taking a seat in front of me at the coffee table again. “Thank you,” I whisper as I wipe under my eyes.

  “Nikki,” John says my name and I can tell by the tone in his voice that he’s about to say something I probably won’t want to hear. “As your friend, I’m going to tell you some hard truths right now. You may not like hearing them, but . . . a real friend doesn’t hold back.”

  I inhale deeply through my nose and release the shaky breath through my mouth. I nod my head, letting him know I’m ready to hear whatever he’s about to say.