Calmly, Carefully, Completely

by Falkner, Tammy

  “Clearly,” I say.

  “That’s all I wanted to say.” He heaves a deep breath and blows it out. “It was nice to meet you, Pete. Hope you have a good life if I never see you again.”

  He walks away, swinging his hatchet. Shit. I wasn’t expecting that.

  Phil whistles as he walks out from behind a tree. “Thought he had you there for a minute,” he breathes. He grins and shakes his head.

  “Do you know what that was about?” I ask, jerking my thumb toward Mr. Caster.

  “Hmm,” he hums. “Maybe.”

  “Care to share?” I ask.

  “He’s a dad and you’re a young man who likes his daughter. He knows it, and it smarts when a dad has to share his daughter’s affection. He has been her protector his whole life, and now she’ll start to look toward someone else to fill that role. Maybe even you.” He narrows his eyes at me. “How would you feel if it was you?” he asks. He pretends to be busy stacking chairs just like I am, but he’s astute and I know it.

  “I’d be fucking ecstatic,” I say.

  “Are you going to see her when you go back to the city?” he asks. I lift my pant leg and remind him of the ankle bracelet I’m wearing. He grins. “I have a feeling that’s not going to stop her.”

  “I hope not.” I take a deep breath. “I like her, Phil,” I admit. “I might even be falling in love with her.”

  He stops and looks me dead in the eyes. “That scares you?” he asks.

  I laugh. “Quite the opposite actually,” I admit. I feel hopeful. And it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way.

  “What’s your plan when you get back, Pete?” he asks.

  I pull a piece of paper out of my pocket. He told me to write my plans down. To make them real. So, I did. I start to read. “One—work things out with Sam. Two—decide what my future will be. Will it be college? Will I get a job? Will I decide what I want to be when I grow up?” I close the paper and put it back in my pocket.

  “Nice,” he says, nodding his head.

  “Do you think I could do what you do?” I ask. “You get to help a lot of boys.”

  He nods. “I think you’d be really good at what I do.”

  “I might be able to keep some boys from ending up in my situation.”

  He nods. “That’s a pretty good goal to have. I’d be happy to help you decide if you want that. You could even come to work with me for a few days and see if it interests you.” He looks around camp. “Most of my work isn’t quite this glamorous, unfortunately. It’s a lot of work at the prison and the youth detention center.”

  I nod. I might like that.

  “You know how to reach me when you get home.”

  I do. And I will. I go back to stacking chairs until I see Reagan striding in my direction. She’s smiling, and her hair is loose and blowing around her face in the wind. She brushes it back with her hand and grins at me. “Hi, Pete,” she says. She shuffles her feet and looks down nervously. “Did I just see my dad come talk to you?” she asks. “With a hatchet?”

  I squeeze my lips together and try not to grin, but she’s so pretty it’s hard not to. “Your dad scares the shit out of me,” I admit.

  She giggles. “I think that’s how he wants it.” She narrows her eyes at me. “Did he talk to you about me?” she asks.

  I nod. “He volunteered to gleefully chop off certain parts of my anatomy.”

  She looks uncomfortable. “No, I mean did he talk to you about plans for New York City?”

  I shake my head. “What plans?” I stop stacking chairs and turn to face her.

  She threads her fingers together and looks everywhere but at me. She looks so uncomfortable that I immediately feel bad for her. I walk closer and tip her face up to mine.

  “What plans?” I ask again.

  She lays her palms on my chest and looks into my eyes. “Pete,” she starts. But she stops and shakes her head, then buries her face in my shirt and groans. “I feel so stupid,” she says against my chest. I can barely hear her. I pull her against me and hold her close, lacing my fingers behind her back. I lift the tail of her shirt and lay my hands against her skin. And she lets me. This part still amazes me and makes me melt every single time I get to touch her. Finally she looks up at me. “So you’re going back to the city today.”

  I nod and squeeze my eyes closed. I don’t even want to think about leaving her. But I guess there’s no way around it. “Yeah,” I say on a sigh.

  “So,” she says hesitantly, tipping her face up to look into mine. Her green eyes blink at me slowly. “I was thinking about going back to the city today, too.”

  My heart leaps in my chest. I grab her shoulders and set her back a little so I can look at her. “Are you fucking serious?” I ask. I can barely breathe.

  Her face falls. “You don’t want me to go,” she says quietly.

  I laugh. I jerk her against me and then wrap my arms tightly around her and pick her up, spinning her around so quickly that she has to grab for my shoulders. “Of course I want you to go! Are you kidding? I’ve been so fucking worried that I would never get to see you again or if we didn’t see one another for a few weeks, that we would lose what we have.”

  “What do we have, Pete?” she asks, but she’s smiling.

  “You don’t know?” I ask.

  She shakes her head. “I’m not always good at reading people, Pete,” she admits, blushing.

  I tweak her nose and steel myself. “I think I’m falling in love with you, Reagan,” I say. I swallow hard because there’s suddenly a lump on my throat. I don’t know where it came from, and no matter how hard I swallow, it won’t go away. I wait. She has to say something, right?

  “Good,” she finally says.

  Good? That’s it?

  “Thanks for telling me.” She grins and spins to walk in the other direction.

  I grab her arm and pull her back to me, and my heart swells because she doesn’t punch me and drop-kick me or knee me in the chin when I jerk her to me and back her up against a tree. “That’s all I get?” I ask. My heart is thudding like crazy. Maybe I misread her. Maybe I’m way off base. Maybe I’m an idiot.

  “What do you want?” she whispers.

  I palm the side of her face and stare at her. She’s so fucking beautiful that I can barely think when I’m this close to her. “I want you to love me back,” I admit.

  “Done,” she says. A blush creeps up her cheeks, and I thought she couldn’t look any prettier than she did a minute ago. But I was wrong.

  “Done?” I parrot. God, now I sound like Link.

  She heaves a sigh. “Done. Gone. Don’t want to be away from you. Can’t breathe when I think about you leaving. Want to be with you all the time, gone. Done.” She blinks, and then she says, “You’re inside me, Pete. And I want to keep you there.”

  Fuck. That’s the best fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my life. And I can’t even put two thoughts together to tell her.

  Suddenly, I hear boots stomping in my direction, and I spring back from on top of Reagan when I see her father striding toward us with that hatchet. He stops and glares at me. “Pete, can you do me a favor?” he asks. He doesn’t look very happy, but then he never does when he’s around me.

  “What do you need, sir?” I ask.

  “Reagan is determined to drive back to the city tonight, and it’ll be late when she gets there.” He jerks a thumb toward where Phil is standing. “So I asked Phil if you could ride with her instead of on the bus, in case she breaks down or something.”

  Reagan grins, and I want to, too, but I force myself not to. “Phil said it’s okay?” I ask. I look toward where Phil is standing, and he walks over.

  “You’d have to be in your apartment by midnight tonight,” Phil says. “I’ll know if you’re not.” He motions toward my tracking bracelet.

  “I’ll take him straight home,” Reagan chirps. She’s grinning, and I want to grin with her.

  “What about the youth boys?” I ask.
<
br />   “You can see them the next day at group. At eleven, if you want to be there.” He arches his brow at me.

  “I’ll be there,” I say. I want to see those boys. If I can help even one of them, I’ll feel better about my own past.

  “Thanks, Pete,” her dad says. He claps me on the shoulder and squeezes a little too hard. I take it as a warning, which I think is how he meant it. He walks away, leaving me with Reagan.

  “It’s going to be really late when you drop me off,” I say.

  She nods. “I know.”

  “I don’t want you to go home to an empty apartment all by yourself. I’ll send one of my brothers with you when you drop me off.” I wish I could go with her and walk her to her door and do all the gentlemanly stuff I’ve never wanted to do before.

  “I’ll have Maggie with me,” she reminds me.

  “Still,” I say. I brush her hair back from her ear. “Want to have a sleepover at my house?” I ask.

  Her eyes widen, and she licks her lips. She’s interested. I can tell.

  “I’ll sleep on the couch,” I say. It’ll fucking kill me, but I’ll do it.

  She shakes her head. “I’m not going to stay if you’re going to sleep on the couch.”

  My hear trips in my chest.

  “I’m not going to run you out of your own bed,” she says, laughing nervously. Her eyes search mine, and I hope she doesn’t look too deeply because I’m not sure what she’ll find. “I’ll stay if you’ll sleep there with me,” she says. Her voice quivers.

  “Okay,” I say quietly. But my gut is doing somersaults. She steps onto her tiptoes and kisses me quickly.

  “I have to go take care of a few things,” she whispers. She kisses me again, a little slower this time. We’re going to have a sleepover. Her and her dog.

  “Maggie can stay, too,” I say. I’m an idiot, but I can’t even think right now.

  “I’ll tell her,” she whispers playfully. “She’s going to be so excited.”

  Not nearly as excited as I am.

  Reagan

  Pete’s kind of quiet on the way home. He fiddles with the radio and pets Maggie. Sometimes his hand reaches for mine, and he squeezes it to reassure me.

  “Are you sure your family is going to be all right with me staying with you guys tonight?” I ask.

  He nods. “I’m sure. Sam’s at school and Logan lives with Emily at her apartment, although I don’t know why. They’re at our apartment a lot more than hers, according to Matt. Sam and I share a room, and since he’s not there, you can sleep in my bed, and I’ll sleep in his.”

  Well, damn. I was kind of hoping we could sleep together.

  “Or we could sleep in Logan’s room, since there’s a double in there. I just didn’t want to presume that you’d want to sleep with me.” He pays a lot of attention to Maggie’s ears instead of looking at me when he says it.

  “I like option two,” I say quietly. I pretend to mess with the windshield washer, even though it doesn’t need washing.

  “Oh yeah?” he says quietly. He grins. “I was hoping you’d say that.” He winces a little. “I do have to warn you that our apartment is nothing like your house. It’s not in that great an area of town. And it’s kind of small.”

  “None of that matters to me, Pete,” I say. I’m telling the truth. I just want to be with him. He could live in a cardboard box, and he’d still make it amazing. I jerk my thumb toward Maggie. “Maggie can be a bit of a snob, though. So you might have to give her lots of dog treats to keep her happy.”

  “Maggie’s a pushover,” he says. She got sick in the car, and we had to stop long enough to clean it up. Pete was pretty good about it, though. “I think she loves me.”

  He’s easy to love. He grins at me.

  “So, do you sleep naked?” he asks. His eyes twinkle.

  Heat creeps up my face. “No!” I cry. “Of course not.”

  He leans his head against the seat, tilting his head like an inquisitive puppy. “So, do you think I could talk you into it?” He laughs at what must be a hilarious look on my face.

  “Maybe,” I say quietly.

  He sucks in a breath. He’s surprised. “I’m not sure if I can keep my hands off you all night,” he warns, his voice quiet but strong. His voice is deeper and rougher than it was a minute ago.

  “Who said I want you to?”

  He lays his head back and groans. He flattens a hand on his chest and breathes harder. “Is my virtue in jeopardy, Miss Caster?” he asks.

  “If you had any to be in jeopardy, I would say yes,” I grumble. But he’s so funny I can’t keep the grin from my face.

  “We’re here,” he says. He points me toward a parking spot on the side of the street. I pull into it and take a deep breath. I don’t know what to do with myself now that we’re here.

  “You’re sure you want me to stay?” I ask.

  He nods. “You better text your dad and tell him you’ve arrived in the city.” He snaps a leash on Maggie and helps her from the car. “You do that and I’ll walk Maggie really quick. Then I’ll get your bags.”

  I nod and start to text my dad. Pete makes kissy noises at Maggie until she follows him.

  Me: We’re here!

  Dad: Are you back at your apartment? Everything all right?

  I don’t want to lie.

  Me: No, I’m at Pete’s. I’m going to hang out with his family for a little while.

  Dad: It’s 11:30 at night, Reagan.

  Me: Dad, it’s fine.

  Dad: Do I have to drive up there and kill that boy?

  Me: Not today.

  Dad: Let me know when I need to.

  I laugh.

  Me: Okay.

  Dad: Text me tomorrow to tell me you’re alive.

  Me: Love you!

  Dad: Love you too.

  Pete opens my door and leans on his elbows in the doorway. “Hi,” he says. “You ready to go upstairs?”

  I grin. I can’t help it. I move to get out, but Pete blocks me. “You know I don’t have any expectations about tonight, right?” he asks.

  “I know.” I do know. He would never make me do anything I don’t want to do. “Can I still stay?”

  He pulls me from the car and goes to the trunk to get my bag. But it’s a big bag. I was going home, after all.

  “Just this one,” I say, picking up my cosmetic bag. “I can get the rest when I go home tomorrow. No need to lug it up the elevator.”

  He chuckles. “You are spoiled, aren’t you?” he asks.

  “What do you mean?” I don’t understand.

  He puts my bag on his shoulder, along with his backpack, and takes my hand. “We’re on the fourth floor. And no elevator.”

  “Oh. I’m tough. I can take it.”

  He tugs my fingertips toward his building. “You sure you’ll be all right with all my brothers?” he asks. He looks more uncomfortable than I’ve ever seen him.

  “Stop worrying,” I say. “I’m not made of glass, Pete.”

  This place is nothing like where I’m from, and I jump when someone walks by us. He pulls me into his side. “I got you,” he says quietly. But he’s sure, and I feel completely safe with him. There’s graffiti on the wall of his apartment building, and I stop to look at it. “Come on,” he says. “I want you to meet my family.”

  We go up four flights of stairs and step into a long hallway. Pete turns the knob and motions for me to precede him into the room. I do, with Maggie following, and immediately hear the TV. There are men stacked up like cord wood all over the place. Someone hits the “pause” button on the TV, and everyone turns to face us.

  “Hi,” Pete says. He sets my bag down beside his, and we walk together into the room. The men get up, and the biggest one walks toward us. “I didn’t think you were coming back until later,” he says. He eyes me up and down but not in a creepy way. “Who’s your friend?” he asks. He sticks out a hand to shake, and I take it. “I’m Paul,” he says. He’s huge, and he has even more tattoos
than Pete does.

  There’s another guy behind him. He’s thin and has long, blond hair, and it’s held back with a rubber band at the nape of his neck. “Matt,” he says as he sticks out his hand to shake.

  Then I notice a guy and a girl sitting on the couch. She’s the blonde I saw at the prison, and she eyes me with the gaze of an antiques dealer, as if she’s looking for all my imperfections. “Emily,” she says with a little wave. “Logan,” she says, as she pats Logan on the chest. He extends his hand, and I take it.

  But there’s one more, and my breath catches in my throat when he steps out from behind Logan. He looks so much like Pete. He has to be Sam. I look from Pete to Sam and back. “I’m the pretty one,” Sam says. He reaches out like he wants to hug me, but I recoil. I can’t help it. I’ve come a long way, but not that far. “It’s nice to meet you,” he says with a nod. I extend my hand, and instead of shaking it, he lifts it to his lips. His short little moustache tickles the back of my hand. I twist my fingers out of his grip, and Pete glares at him.

  “Keep your fucking hands off my girl,” he growls. But then he opens his arms, and Sam falls into them. They hug the way men do, with lots of backslapping and murmured words. “I’m glad you’re here,” Pete says.

  “You called. I came. Like a good big brother.”

  “Eight minutes,” Pete growls playfully. He drops an arm around my shoulders. “He was born eight minutes before me and he thinks he’s the shit because he’s older.”

  He coughs into his fist. “Excuse me. I am the shit.” He grins. He looks so much like Pete that it’s almost disturbing.

  “I think you’re both shits,” Paul says as he goes to fridge and gets a beer.

  “You want something to drink?” Pete asks me quietly.

  I shake my head.

  He cups my face with his hand. “You look a little tired. You want to go to bed?”

  I nod. “We probably should.”

  He grins. I think he likes the we part.

  “Do you think it would be okay if I take a shower first?” I ask. I’ve been in the car for hours, and I feel kind of grimy. I’d kind of like to be clean when I snuggle naked with Pete for the first time.