“Yes, how did you pay for your drugs?”
“I had money, but I didn’t always use the best judgment when I was high. I slept with men for drugs. I traded sex for drugs. Hell I even stole for drugs. I am no angel,” I say to her and hang my head.
“Oh Kay, I was not judging you I swear. I was just trying to get some background because the Kayla I saw a few minutes ago, I have never saw before.”
“I never wanted you or anyone to know that side of me. This is my dark side. I’ve got the blood of Edwin on my hands, I have the blood of Elijah on my hands, and when I die, I will have to answer for my sins.”
“Can I ask what it makes you feel?”
“I told you that if you ask I will answer. The euphoria of heroin is normally the first thing that hits you. The rush, coming up, whatever you want to call it.”
“Can you break down snorting like you just did for smoking?”
“I can try.”
“Here’s what I can tell you about snorting Heroin or Black Tar. The first method, the one I call monkey water, is my preferred way. You put a bit of tar into a spoon as you would if you were prepping for IV. Then you add some hot water to the spoon, but not boiling hot. Hot water from the tap is more than adequate because it helps the tar dissolve easier. Next you mix it around in the spoon until all the tar is dissolved. I like to use a little piece of a straw to do the mixing, but it doesn't really matter what you use. Now you should end up with a spoonful of water ranging from dark brown to light orange. How dark it is will depend on how much tar and water you used.”
“Now careful not to spill, bring the spoon up to your nose and snort a bit of the water. Do not try to snort the entire spoonful in one big sniff. If you do this, some of it will probably go down the back of your throat and/or just fall right back out of your nose and make a big mess. Snorting a liquid is a bit different than snorting powder, mainly because liquid doesn't stick to itself and every piece of moist tissue it comes in contact with. Also the liquid has much less resistance going up so you don't have to snort hard at all.”
“The point being, what you want is it to cover your mucous membranes in your nose and sinuses. So do a little at a time until you get the hang of it. Sometimes what I would do immediately after snorting the "monkey water", is tilt my head forward so gravity helped move the solution towards my sinuses rather than just dripping out of my nose or down the back of my throat.”
“If done correctly you will feel a mild burn and the onset of effects will be rapid. This method is extremely effective and not really very difficult to learn/execute. I just wanted to be detailed because I remember the first couple times I remember just railing it hard and having most of it go down the back of my throat and not getting me high lol.
“But anyway, this is the only way I did tar. In my honest opinion, the advantages of doing monkey water are it’s fast to prep. You can get the dose accurate, there are no needles and track marks, and compared to snorting powder, it’s a lot easier on the nose.
”The second method is called cheese. This is how you actually turn your heroin from tar into powder that can then be snorted. It's a bit more complicated than monkey water. The first thing you need is a surface to work on. You can use a plate, a mirror, a marble counter top, or a very smooth piece of plastic or glass. Really any flat, smooth, and non-porous surface will do. Wood is a no-no. I usually use a plate because it’s easy to move around and clean up afterword.
“The second thing you want to do is make sure your plate is very clean and has no dents, chips, or cracks in it. If it does the tar is going to get stuck in them and it’s a bitch to get it out. Also any residue on the plate is going to end up in your nose, and that's gross. If it all looks good then we can get started making our cheese. Now take your tar and place it on your plate. If the surface you’re working on isn't very big try to place the tar close to the center so you have more room to work with.”
“This next step is very important—“
“No! Stop! I’ve heard enough. I can’t listen to this anymore. I understand now, and I know there’s no fucking way I’d ever do that shit.” Vi screams.
Now the look on her face is pure terror. I reach over and grab her hand. “This is why I never told you this stuff, Vi.”
“No Kay, I wanted to know.”
I look over at her and she is crying. I wipe away a tear because it’s hard seeing your best friend cry. “VI, please don’t cry. I can’t handle seeing you upset.”
“Kay, I am crying because you lived a whole life in seven years. I am so sorry that I was not there to help you”
“Oh VI, you could not have done anything. You would not have even liked me then. I was cold, had no life in my eyes. I did not care who I fucked over.”
***
We sit in silence all the way until we get to the Christmas tree farm.
“Where are we?”
“I told you I didn’t have a tree, so we’re going to get one, and they’ll deliver it tomorrow.”
“Do you know what kind of tree you want?”
“I didn’t know there was more than one kind.”
“Oh, geez! There are all kinds.”
We get out of the beast and start walking toward the lot of trees. I see a man dressed as Santa, and he is selling Christmas trees. I give a chuckle because I never believed in Santa.
“What are you laughing at?”
“Santa over there. I never had a present from Santa.”
“Girl, you’re killing me. What the hell did the Stanton’s do for Christmas?”
“They gave us money. It was easier for them, and they didn’t have to be home for that.”
“That is so sad, but I understand why you wanted a huge blowout for Christmas. This is your first one.”
“Yep, so let’s get the biggest tree we can find. My ceilings are twenty feet high, so I think we need at least a twelve foot tree.”
About that time, Santa walks over and tells us that he has the perfect tree for us. I look at him like he’s crazy but who am I to judge? He walks us to the back of the lot, and there stands a tree so grand, it would put the tree at the White House to shame. I go up and touch the branches, and they’re so soft. The tree has an amazing smell, and I know this is my tree.
“I’ll take it!” I yell.
“Don’t you want to know the price?”
“No I don’t. I want this tree. Can you have it delivered tomorrow?”
“Ma’am, this tree is not cheap.”
“Sir, with all due respect, I did not ask how much the tree was. I want this tree, and I am willing to pay whatever it is. I also need a tree stand. So when it is delivered tomorrow, please make sure they bring a stand that will hold it.”
“I can see that I am not talking you out of this tree ma’am.”
“No you aren’t. So, let’s ring it up. I’m exhausted.”
I go and pay for the tree and the stand. He was talking like it was expensive, but it was only two hundred dollars—that included the stand.
“Come on, VI. I am exhausted and ready to get home and prop my feet up.”
“Let’s go, doll.”
We make our way home, and by now, it’s beginning to snow. I pull in to the garage, and VI and I grab a few bags before heading toward the elevator. To our surprise, Rodney is waiting.
“Are there more?”
“Oh, yes. The back of the beast is full.”
I see him open the back, and I hold back a laugh.
“Holy shit, Kayla.”
“We bought out the stores.”
“I can see that.”
“Come on. Grab what you can. I want to see them muscles work.”
“I have them all, just hold the elevator.”
“Okay,” VI and I say in unison.
We get into the living room, and everyone is in there talking.
“Damn! Did you leave anything in the stores?” Wyatt asks.
“Nope, we bought it all.”
“I’
m just going to drop the bags and sit down for a few minutes because I’m dragging ass.”
“Me too, Kayla. Me too.”
As I drop the bags, Patrice’s phone rings.
***
“Hello, this is Dr. Doyle. How can I help you?”
“Patrice, this is Seth, and I am not taking no for an answer. I will be at Kayla’s in ten minutes, and we need to talk.”
He hangs up the phone and Patrice looks over at me and says, “Kayla, Seth will be here in ten minutes. He says he wants to talk and is not taking no for an answer.”
Rodney and Garrett both start talking.
“Fine, let him come in. I am sick of the damn phone calls, but I will not be threatened in my own home.”
Within a few minutes, there’s a knock on my door. Rodney goes and answers it.
“Officer Jernigan, what are you doing here?”
“That’s none of your concern, but know that I will continue to be here.”
“I just want to talk to my daughter.”
“Come on Seth, we can talk in the office.”
I walk towards the office and Patrice follows. All other eyes are looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.
“I’ll be okay. There will be no problems, will there Seth?”
“No, Kayla there will not. I only want to talk.”
I walk over and shut the office doors and tell them both to sit. I walk behind my desk and sit in my comfy chair.
“So, Seth, you wanted to talk. Now’s your chance.”
“First, I want to apologize to Kayla for letting the rape go on for as long as I did. I should have put a stop to it the moment I even suspected it. I should have kept you safe, but I was too caught up in my own life and political career. I am sorry.”
“What are you sorry for? That you let it happen, or that you let it continue?” I ask, crying.
“Kayla, I am truly sorry.”
He tries to come and hug me, but I push him away.
“Have you lost your fucking mind? Do you think I would let you console me? You’re delusional.”
He backs away with his hands in the air.
“Patrice, I owe you an apology as well. I never should have raped you, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to earn your forgiveness. I never meant to hurt you. I was not in my right mind that night. I was drunk.”
“And that is an excuse!” I scream, “You raped someone. You forced yourself on someone, and you think that you can say I’m sorry and it’ll be okay?”
“Kayla, I know you’re angry, but I am still your father.”
“Ha! That’s funny. A father? A father is someone who makes you feel safe, kisses you when you’re hurt, and tells you he loves you. A father protects you from harm. Did you ever do any of those?”
“I will never be able to take back what happened in the past. I was wrong. I hope one day you can forgive me.”
“Are you done? Did you do what you came to do? Did you get it all off your chest? Is your conscience clear?”
“Patrice, can you please forgive me? I am sorry, and if I live a hundred years, you’ll never know how sorry I am. But on the positive side—“
“What positive side? You raped my mother. You’re a fucking monster!”
“The positive side is you were conceived.”
“Good job! You created a child that you let get hurt for years. There was sexual, mental, and physical abuse inflicted by the hands of the kids you raised as your sons. Oh, but that’s right, they aren’t yours. So, is that why you’re apologizing? You’re trying to make things right? You can go since you’ve cleared your chest. I will never accept your apology. You’ll never receive forgiveness from me. Go fuck yourself in the seventh circle of hell until you burn to ashes and are fucking dead.”
I stand to leave, but he continues, “I understand that you have every right to feel that way and say those things, but I am truly sorry, Kayla.”
“Don’t come here feeding me some bullshit story just to make it easier for you to sleep at night. Guess what? It will never change the past, so stay the fuck away from me and leave me the fuck alone.”
I turn to walk out, but I hear him say to Patrice, “I am sorry for what I did to you in college. Forcing myself on you despite the amount of alcohol is still no excuse. I’d like you to know that the regret and guilt of hurting you or letting Kayla be hurt haunts me and has for over twenty years. It will until the day I take my last breath.”
“Well, that day can’t come soon enough!” I scream and walk to the door.
Patrice is frozen and appears unable to speak, so I tell him.
“I think I speak for both of us when I say this. Seth, do the world a favor and just fucking kill yourself. You have no clue what you did. Let me tell you, you raped a woman. You took her choice away. All those years of you running for office, how would you have felt if the voters took your choice away? You’d have been pissed, but then again, you may have just swept it under the rug like you did with me. You treated me like I was no one, like I was a cheap trick. You sent me away Seth, with nothing more than a check. I had no one. I had nothing. Do you know I was addicted to drugs? Do you know I sold my soul to the devil? I was always looking over my shoulder. I was eighteen and alone. I have been fighting addiction since. I even bought drugs just the other day. Did you know that? No of course not. Do you know who stopped me from shooting up? It wasn’t you. It was Rodney. A man who has known me for roughly a few months. He stopped me. He found me. Where the fuck were you? I am sure you were doing what you always do, you were probably balls deep in some whore who is young enough to be your daughter. Like it would matter to you. You have a thing for raping women.”
“But now all of a sudden you are sorry. And I am supposed to just forgive you?? Ha-ha you got jokes. I will tell you when I walk out of this room, my conscious is clear. I have never wanted anyone out my life more than you. You have no soul. You will fit right in hell when you get there. You are a low-life bastard who don’t deserve forgiveness. Make sure you tell your son hello for me. You are not worth me wasting another breath on. I am done with this conversation and I am done with you. After today don’t contact me. Lose my number and forget where I live, because you are no longer welcome here. If I see you so much as breathing the same air as me, you better act like you have no clue who I am. I wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire.”
I get in his face and tell him, “You are dead to me.”
I walk out before he can see me break down. I will not give him the power to make me break, and he will never see me shed another tear.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Self Defense
“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.”
~Jackie Robinson
I open the door and find exactly what I expected—Garrett and Rodney standing there without saying a word. I look at Garrett and walk into his arms.
“Did you guys get a good ear full?”
I can’t be mad at them because I know they were there to help if we needed it. The only person I’m truly pissed at is Seth. I pull myself from Garrett’s arms and walk toward my room, closing the door behind me. I sit down on the bed and cry. I know I should forgive Seth—my faith tells me to, but right now, I can’t.
I see Garrett walk into the room through my watery eyes, and he sits on the bed beside me.
“Are you okay?”
I glare at him and say, “I’m not. He wants me to forgive him, and I know I should, Garrett, but I can’t. These wounds are too deep.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yes. I do.”
He looks at me, his shock obvious. I can’t blame him for feeling this way because I always say no when he offers.
“Where do I begin?”
“Wherever you’re comfortable,” he takes my hand and raises it to his lips.
I wipe a tear that runs down my face before I begin.
“All my life, the only thing I wanted was a family. I
wanted a mom and dad. Well, now I have both, and I am so thankful Patrice has moved here fulltime and has started a practice. She’s in love with Rodney and I couldn’t be happier for her. I’m still hurt by the adoption admission, but I understand it better now. Patrice has opened her heart and life to me. She knows things about me no one will ever know and that’s okay. I was hurt for a while when I found out she was my mom, but now it feels right. I can’t imagine every having that bond with someone else. She is my mom, and I love her. Seth, however, is a different story. There is absolutely no connection or bond there.”
“He had me my entire life. Hell, I lived under the same roof as my father all my life and he’s a stranger to me. How is that for bullshit? I don’t have the first clue about him. I couldn’t tell you what he likes to eat, his birthday. Hell, I don’t even know my grandparents. He never showed that side of himself. We didn’t celebrate the holidays. The only reason I ever knew it was a birthday or holiday was because we all received money.”
“But he sent me away like I was nothing. He gave me half a million dollars to leave. The whole time I was gone, if he had reached out to me, I could have saved myself from all the hurt I put myself through.”
“I became addicted to heroin and sold myself for drugs. I did things I’m not proud of. I was constantly looking over my shoulder. When I finally got clean and sober, it was because of Patrice. She helped me see myself. The entire reason I am back home is because Patrice told me it was time. It was never Seth.”
“Then I came home and all was good for six months. Then all hell broke loose. I got you all mixed up in this shit. All of you would have been better if I would have stayed away.”
“Kay honey, I love you, and I am so glad you came back,” he interrupts me.
“How can you love me after I told you what I’ve done?”
“Kayla, we all have a past we aren’t happy with but you’ve made your life better. Your past only defines you if you allow it to. So, are you going to let it? I would love you no matter what you’ve done. You are my reason for breathing. I think of you before I make any decisions. I think of you before I think of myself. I would move oceans to make things easier for you. How can I not want to be with you?”
Damaged Love (Bound Series Book 2) Page 10