The Theory of Second Best (Cake #2)

by J. Bengtsson

  “You get stage fright?” I said, nodding.

  “No, I’m afraid something’s going to bite my butt while I’m squatting.”

  My mind wandered in so many directions at once. “It’s times like these I’m happy to be a guy,” I replied, feeling quite superior.

  “You do realize that it will be become an issue for you at some point too, right?”

  “Oh yeah, shit. Great, now you have me all worried.”

  “Sorry,” she laughed.

  “Anyway, I’ll wait here. What else do I have to do?”

  After about five minutes a relieved-looking Kenzie rounded the corner.

  “Everything come out okay?” I asked.

  She gave me a dirty look.

  “And, most importantly, nothing went in that shouldn’t have?”

  She grinned and smacked me. “You’re pushing it, Kyle. If you want a pissing buddy, you’d better keep your mouth shut.”

  I stopped talking because, honestly, I did want a pissing buddy.

  Kenzie took off in the opposite direction from where we’d come.

  “Hold up. You’re going the wrong way.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m exploring. You want to come?”

  Like an obedient dog following his master, I trotted over to her side. “Oh boy, do I.”

  She eyed me with amusement. “You don’t like being alone, do you?”

  Kenzie’s words were nothing more than an innocent observation, but she had no idea just how accurately she’d hit the nail on the head. I’d actually been in therapy for that very issue. I’d never really seen it as a problem, but my mom had insisted on bringing it up, and the therapist harped on it over and over. So I liked company? Big deal. There were worse things to stress over.

  “I don’t need to be alone when I have my very own Dora the Explorer to follow around.”

  “Oh, right. This is going to be very informative. Are you ready? That right there is a rock. Oh, and over there, that leafy thing – plant.”

  “Wow,” I said wide-eyed, “You sure know your stuff.”

  “Yep.”

  “So forgive me if I have pegged you all wrong, Kenzie, but this doesn’t seem like your type of a reality show.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “I don’t know, you seem like more of an inside girl.”

  Kenzie raised one eyebrow at me. “I could say the same about you.”

  “That may be true, but I’m not the one who was nearly taken away on a stretcher yesterday.”

  “Yeah, well, don’t let my fainting, barfing, and bug burrowing phobia fool you. I’m actually a really tough chick,” she said, as she ducked out of the way of a dive-bombing insect and let out a little scream.

  “Well, that’s a relief.” I grinned as she circled around the back of me for protection.

  Kenzie was definitely growing on me. She had an endearing quality to her that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. She wasn’t like most of the women I met in my day-to-day life. This one was real and humble-sort of like my sister Emma, only a much nicer version.

  Kenzie gasped and grabbed my arm, “There, in the tree. Is that fruit?”

  My eyes followed her pointing finger until they focused on some purple orbs bundled high up in a tree.

  “I don’t know. Either that or they’re seed pods.”

  “We should go up there and check it out.”

  “And by we, you mean me?”

  “Wow, it’s like we’re so in sync.” She grinned playfully. “That’s exactly what I meant.”

  “But you’re such a tough chick. I can’t believe you don’t climb trees.”

  She looked up at me with her big doe eyes and shrugged her shoulders.

  “Well, would you let me know when you plan on being tough? I can’t wait to witness it.”

  “You’ll be the first to know.”

  My empty stomach grumbled in protest. At some point during the night I wished I’d taken my dad’s advice and come into the game with a tolerance to hunger because that extra plate of spaghetti my mom had crammed down my throat was definitely not doing me any favors today.

  I sighed. Dammit. Now I had to scale the tree. I was no acrobat and didn’t particularly like heights, but nothing was going to stop me from ascending to the highest of elevations to secure my breakfast. I was just that damn hungry.

  Kenzie had to hoist me up to the first foothold, but once there, I managed to maneuver myself from branch to branch until I was unsteadily perched on a limb jutting out from the sturdy trunk. I reached for the dark object. It had the coloring of a ripe avocado but was shaped more like a pinecone. I broke it off and reached for another.

  “Is it edible?” Kenzie called up to me, squinting as she shielded her eyes from the morning sun.

  “How would I know?”

  “Well, is it hard or soft?”

  Oh, man, she was just asking for it with that question. “Let me just be clear – you’re talking about the fruit, right?”

  Kenzie shook her head, grinning. “Yes, the fruit.”

  I made a big show of feeling the produce. “Ooh, wow… yes, uh-huh… this little fella is downright rigid… so firm and plump. I think you’re really going to like this one, Kenzie.”

  “You’re a nutcase,” she laughed. “Just pick some and get back down before you fall on your head.”

  I filled my pockets with as many guacamole fruits as I could reach and then scooted myself back down the tree in a less than elegant fashion, actually tumbling down the final four feet, spilling the fruit out of my pockets. Kenzie scrambled to gather them, entirely indifferent to my unceremonious decent. She was gingerly picking up the crop and dusting off the dirt as I unfurled my crumpled body and sat up.

  “I’m okay, in case you were wondering.”

  Kenzie wasn’t paying any attention to me. Focused solely on our breakfast, her face had suddenly taken on a ravenous appearance. “How do you think we eat these?”

  I propped myself up against the tree and Kenzie took her place beside me, our precious bounty gathered lovingly between her outstretched legs. I picked up one of the cones closest to me and turned it over, trying to figure out how to eat it. First I tried biting into it, but the skin was too thick. Then I tried sawing it open on the tree, to no avail. Finally, impatient and starving, I went all caveman on its little purple ass and smashed the unforgiving fruit against a rock until the rind split open and revealed its treasures within. Both Kenzie and I cheered our good fortune.

  I sniffed the insides and recoiled at the funky smell.

  “You should lick it and see,” Kenzie offered up helpfully.

  “And see what? If I die?”

  “No. If it tastes good.”

  “Smell it. I’m pretty sure it isn’t going to taste much better.”

  She took a sniff and her nose crinkled in protest.

  “What do you think?” I asked her. “Should we eat it?”

  “I don’t know. Was this on our ‘Do not eat or you will die a long and painful death’ list?”

  “Honestly, I didn’t even look at that information,” I admitted.

  “Why?”

  “I figured someone else would take care of it.” I shrugged.

  “What, like a maid or your own personal chef?”

  “I just didn’t imagine myself playing Tarzan and swinging from trees to get my nourishment.”

  I looked over at one of the cameramen who was eagerly waiting to record my untimely demise.

  “Do you know if these are edible?” I asked him.

  The dude shrugged noncommittally from behind the lens. Seriously? I realized they weren’t allowed to talk to us, but still, this was sort of a life or death situation.

  “I am going to eat this,” I articulated each word slowly and clearly. “Do you think I will die?”

  The cameraman made another vague motion with his shoulders.

  I gaped at him and his obvious lack of concern for my life and then turned my attention back to Kenzi
e. “Well, you heard him. We’re good.”

  As I raised the fruit to my mouth, her eyes glazed over in uncertainty then grew double in size, and they were already pretty damn big to begin with.

  “Stop. You’re making me nervous,” I protested.

  “I can’t help it. This feels like the scene from that movie Blue Lagoon where the couple eats the poisonous berries.”

  I’d never seen Blue Lagoon, nor had I even heard of it, but all of the sudden, its plot points seemed over-the-top important to me.

  “What happened?” I asked with wide, uneasy eyes.

  “Honestly, I can’t remember.”

  I lowered the fruit and glowered at her. “Well, that really doesn’t help me at all,” I grumbled. “You probably could have omitted that particularly unhelpful piece of information.”

  “Sorry, I shouldn’t have prolonged your life any longer than necessary. Continue.”

  “Your concern for me is really touching,” I said. Then, without further hesitation, I sank my teeth into the fruit while glaring defiantly into the camera. If the dickhead was going to film my death I, at least, wanted to look tough on my way out.

  I seesawed my way through the firm, fleshy meat and was chewing for an uncomfortably long time before I managed to swallow the first unappetizing mouthful. I gagged a bit. The fruit had an unsavory taste and texture, but it filled my empty stomach and, as my dad always said, ‘Beggars can’t be choosers.’ And today, I was definitely a beggar.

  Kenzie had wisely given me ample time to keel over and die before she finally deemed the fruit safe and ate one of her own. We devoured two more each before shoving the rest into our pockets for Dale and Marsha.

  As we got up to leave, I turned to the cameraman and said, “Thanks for nothing, asshole.”

  I swear I saw him smile.

  That afternoon, while I was gathering wood for a fire we didn’t have, Aisha popped up from behind some trees, startling me.

  “Whatcha doing?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” she answered, looking nervous.

  I knew that expression. She was searching for the immunity idol. Dammit! Dale and I needed to find it before Gene’s crew did, or we would be completely screwed come the first elimination ceremony. I decided then and there to stay by her side to prevent her from continuing her search.

  “I’m gathering wood, if you want to help…”

  “Yeah, sure,” she said quickly, and bent down to collect some of her own.

  Aisha and I chatted our way back to the camp. Up to that point she hadn’t said a word to me, preferring to hide behind the other members of Gene’s group. I found her to be friendly and easy to talk to but also a bit jumpy, as if she were concerned to be seen with me. I could only assume Gene wouldn’t take kindly to her fraternizing with the enemy.

  Once back at the shelter, I noticed Gene and Carl were not in camp. Aisha did too, and she instantly relaxed.

  “I’m boiling hot,” she announced, before stripping down to an itty-bitty bikini, and I couldn’t help but appreciate her obvious gifts. She was tall and toned, and her face was the perfect mix of soft and hard angles. But it was her eyes that completed the impressive package: light hazel against the backdrop of her darker skin. It was easy to see how she’d won a beauty contest. Aisha was definitely the type of woman I typically intercepted after concerts.

  She saw me staring and smiled. “You want to go swimming?”

  “Yeah, definitely.” I jumped up and followed her down to the water’s edge.

  As we waded into the mellow waves, she said, “I feel like we’ve met before.”

  I looked at her more closely. Shit, maybe she was one of the women I’d slept with following a show. Or maybe she just saw a little of Jake in me. We didn’t look that much alike, but there was a slight resemblance, and people often gave me that look like Aisha was giving me now.

  “No, I definitely would have remembered you.”

  Aisha appeared uncertain, as if she were searching her mind for a connection. In an effort to deter her from identifying me, I jumped into the water like a dolphin and swam around her feet a few times. When I surfaced, Aisha was wide-eyed with shock.

  “What?” I asked, alarmed, and immediately scanned the water for a shark fin.

  “How long can you hold your breath? You were down there for a long time.”

  “My record is just under three minutes, but that was when I was surfing a lot.”

  “Dang! That will help our tribe in challenges. You need to tell Gene that you’re a good swimmer.”

  “I’m not exactly his favorite person.”

  “No, probably not. But what did you expect? Starting quarterback, Kyle? Come on. You should at least have asked to play back-up,” Aisha teased.

  “Nah, I’ve played back-up all my life. It’s time to go big or go home.”

  “Well, pissing off Gene is definitely going big, that’s for sure. And it will probably get you sent home.”

  I nodded, my face turning serious. “Be honest, Aisha: am I on the chopping block?”

  “No. I think everyone’s in agreement that Marsha will be the first to go.”

  “And then me?”

  “You, Dale, or Kenzie. I think it will come down to which one of you sucks the most in challenges.”

  “Well, that could be any one of us.”

  Aisha winced, looking pained by my words. “Sorry, I don’t make the rules.”

  “But you’re following them… why?”

  “It’s nothing against you guys. Really, I like all of you. I’m just going with the numbers.”

  “So let’s make our own numbers. Join the underdogs. You know everyone likes them best.”

  Aisha laughed. “I know, but I’m more comfortable with the prom queens and football players.”

  “Oh, please, you’re not buying into Gene’s whole game day winner’s speech, are you?”

  “I’m just trying to stay alive, Kyle. Just like you. If I jumped ship, you really think they’d find worth in Miss Nevada? I’d be one step up from Marsha and her thousands of interesting facts.”

  Bobby waded out to join us, and placing a protective arm around Aisha, he flashed me the dirtiest look imaginable. Geez, he wasn’t even trying to hide his disdain for me. I wasn’t sure what I had done to invite his ire, but I knew to watch my back around him.

  I couldn’t help wonder how Bobby would be perceived by the viewing public. By looks alone, he was sure to become a fan favorite. In fact, both he and Aisha were just the perfect male and female specimens. They needed to have posters made or something.

  “What’s going on?” he asked, eyeing me suspiciously. “I hope you’re not talking strategy without me.”

  “We’re just talking football,” I answered.

  “Football, huh?” Bobby glanced between us, unconvinced. “In this tribe, that’s as good as treason.”

  Aisha flashed me a nervous glance. Maybe she wasn’t as secure in her alliance as she thought she was.

  “Relax, Aisha has no interest in joining the bottom feeders. You’re safe.”

  “Exactly. I mean, why would she?” Bobby faced Aisha and issued a clear warning. “There’s safety in numbers. You don’t want to be on the wrong side of the split.”

  Aisha nodded obediently. At that moment I was glad to be in my group of four. Maybe I was on the losing side, but at least I wasn’t whoring myself out to the power players.

  “So I gotta ask, Kyle, what’s going on with you and Marsha? Is it serious?”

  Marsha had garnered an unhealthy amount of attention from the fab five and none of it was good. But I’d spent two days with the woman, and I couldn’t help but like her. Yeah, she was odd, but that’s what made life interesting.

  “The two of you were getting pretty cozy last night. Has she let you cop a feel of those granny knockers?” Bobby chuckled to himself.

  “Don’t be an ass,” Aisha scoffed. She seemed rattled by Bobby’s distrust in her.

  I mad
e a mental note to mention it to Dale. If I could convince Aisha to switch sides, she might be our way out of the mess we’d found ourselves in.

  A loud splash caught our collective attention. I looked over just as Kenzie was pulling herself off the shallow ocean floor and resurfacing. She was sputtering and coughing, her drenched hair plastered to her face.

  “Are you okay?” I rushed to her. Was she seriously drowning in three feet of water? Damn, this girl was a walking disaster.

  “Yeah, I tripped on a rock.”

  “Jesus,” Bobby laughed. “Walk much?”

  I helped her back to her feet and her eyes caught mine. She looked worried.

  “I’m thinking you’ve had a bit too much sun today,” Bobby smirked.

  In fact, Kenzie had fried in the scorching sun, just as I’d predicted she would. Her skin was bright red and beyond painful looking.

  “You think?” Kenzie replied, contempt for Bobby clear on her face. Pulling strands of hair out of her eyes, she continued to periodically spit up water.

  “I think I burned a little too. It’s so hot here.” Aisha smiled. “If you need help with the sunscreen, just ask.”

  Kenzie skimmed her eyes over the beauty queen, almost as if she thought Aisha was being facetious.

  “Okay, thanks,” Kenzie said, as she self-consciously ran her hands over the burned skin. “So, what did I miss?”

  “Kyle here was just about to tell us a bit more about his elderly girlfriend.”

  Kenzie twisted her head towards me in surprise. The fact that I was talking to the enemy made her assume I’d betrayed our four-way alliance. I shook my head.

  “Fire! Fire!”

  We all turned to the shore and saw Marsha jumping up and down, a roaring fire behind her.

  I turned to Bobby. “Looks like my girl just saved us all.”

  TV Confessional

  “Honestly, with that sunburn, Kenzie looks like an Oompa Loompa… but don’t tell her I said that.”

  —Kyle

  16

  Kenzie: No Winner

  The minute I saw Kyle walk off with Aisha, panic rose through my body. I tried to reason with myself that it was innocent, but two things troubled me about their newfound friendship. First, his loyalty… and second, her beauty. Of the four of us, Kyle would certainly prove to be the most useful in challenges. Although not rippling with muscles, he was strong, quick, and agile. It would make sense to keep him around the longest.