The Theory of Second Best (Cake #2)

by J. Bengtsson

  “This is a stupid game!” she proclaimed, and then scooted out of the shelter and stomped off into the woods.

  Marsha’s face twisted into a smug leer. “Was it something I said?”

  Marooned Rule #6

  Once the two tribes merge as one, team play is finished and it becomes an individual game. All challenges are played for individual immunity, and the winner will be safe from elimination.

  The merge came the following day, and we moved our sorry asses to the other tribe’s camp. It was clear the moment we stepped foot on their beach that we were a bunch of losers. Their camp was like a Sandals resort in comparison to ours. They had clotheslines and hammocks and log chairs and blankets, all won in reward challenges. They had even designed their own water system. We walked around admiring their offerings in embarrassment. How had we let things get so bad at our camp? After eliminating Gene and all his rules, we’d become a tribe of slackers. And I had a terrible feeling I was their beloved leader.

  Dale, for one, was in heaven at the organization and structure of our new digs. I realized how far he would have had to sink as a productive member of society in order to be content living the life I led on an everyday basis. The other tribe had five energetic, robust go-getters, and Dale was the perfect addition to their group. What would be his motivation to stay with us? I mean, we’d been forced together on day one because we had no other choice. I felt like we’d formed real bonds, but it was still a game, and Dale wanted to win it, for no other reason than that he hated to lose. If he could get ahead with another group, would he dump our lazy butts and move on?

  I glanced at Kenzie, who was watching the scene unfold before her. It was obvious she shared my apprehension by the way she was chewing on her bottom lip. Her eyes caught mine but then hastily looked away. Things had gone back to being awkward after her overly emotional reaction to Marsha’s game question. Not knowing what to say to her, I just kept my distance. But that was before the Dale issue. I needed her now. If the Easties were trying to tempt Dale into a life of luxury, I needed her help to remind him that he loved our squalor.

  In addition to our five, the East tribe had Fergus, Amir, Lena, Carol and Eugene. Although they seemed nice enough, I had no idea who any of them were. Our contact with them had been limited to the challenges. As a peace offering, the production staff presented us with an overflowing basket of food and drink. The other five seemed more interested in getting to know us than actually eating. Apparently they’d been catching fish the entire time we’d been eating slugs. So as they stood around chatting, we five dropped to our knees and started shoveling food in our mouths like the barbarians we’d become. I could hear them giggling at our animalistic behavior. Dale tried to explain away our manners by detailing how Bobby had dumped our rice before exiting the game, but even he had to do that through mouthfuls of chicken legs. I’m pretty sure I grunted my way through my meal. Kenzie even elbowed me in the side at one point when my enjoyment got too aggressively boisterous.

  Theoretically, this was the part of the game where we ceased team play and began competing as individuals but the reality was you needed numbers in order to stay in the game. So although we’d merged into one, we were still very much two separate groups of five. The only hope for security at the first individual council was to sway a member of the other side to flip, hence the pressure on Dale.

  The minute the meal was over, the niceties were dropped and the game began. Everyone was scrambling for positions and looking for weakness. There were conversations going on all around me. I stood there dumbfounded. Clearly, backstabbing was not my strong suit. I was loyal to a fault and would not hesitate to sacrifice myself for those I cared about. And I cared about every person in the Dork Quad, even Carl, our unofficial member.

  I watched as the Easties swooped down on Dale like famished vultures. My mind was screaming, No, not Dale! They can’t have him and his leg volcano! It was like my whole life was spiraling out of control, and I was frozen in place. Kenzie must have sensed my distress and swooped in.

  “Are you all right?” she asked, her concern for me outweighing her unease.

  “No. We’re screwed. Dale’s gone.”

  “He’s not gone. You’re being paranoid. Dale’s smart and playing both sides.”

  I was still looking around frantically.

  “Kyle.” Kenzie placed her fingers on my face. “Look at me. We’re fine. The boxer lady, what’s her name again, Liza?”

  I directed my focus to where she was indicating with her eyes. “Lena, I think.”

  “Well whatever her name is, she’s an outsider in that group, and the only person I think we have a chance of swaying. I need you to go over there and charm the pants off her.”

  My eyes zeroed in on the target: muscles, tattoos, and a seriously scowling face. She looked like she could break me in half with one karate chop. Really, Kenzie? I’d have a better chance with the Mormon lady, Carol. Still, she’d given me an assignment, and that allowed me to redirect my focus.

  As my tension eased, I grinned and said, “Are you whoring me out?”

  “I am. Now go.” She shooed me away. As I was about to leave on my mission, Kenzie whispered just loud enough for me to hear, “And don’t come back until she’s hot for you.”

  “You give me way too much credit,” I threw over my shoulder, as I headed straight for my surly, man-killing mark. I had some hustling to do.

  “Lena, right?” I asked as I walked up to her. She straightened her back and crossed her arms in front of herself in a defensive stance. A serpent with sharp claws and jagged teeth glared at me from a colorful tattoo on her forearm. Her eyes rolled over me, and the excessively disgusted look on her face should have been my first clue that I wouldn’t be getting to first base with snake lady.

  “Yep.”

  “I’m Kyle.”

  “McKallister, I know,” she said matter-of-factly. My eyes opened wide. I swallowed my surprise.

  “How do you know that?” Obviously someone from my side couldn’t wait to blab to the other team about my lineage.

  Sensing my confusion as to who ratted me out, Lena clarified by making her hand into a talking puppet: “You’ve got yourself a little chatterbug in your tribe. Good lord, can that woman talk! How on earth did you put up with her for so long?”

  I cringed. Dammit, Marsha! Had my brother and I become one of her interesting facts? “And everyone in the tribe knows who I am?”

  “They do now. And just so you know, you’ve been the subject of many a discussion.”

  “I’m sure I have.”

  “And if you think anyone in their right mind is going to hand you a million dollars, you’ve got another thing coming, dude.”

  Well, shit. This was going even worse than I’d imagined. Every word she spoke to me dripped with condemnation. I had done nothing more than be related to a superstar, but that was apparently enough in her book to be a total bitch to me. But, unluckily for Lena, I was an expert at dealing with prickly personalities. It was really just a matter of figuring out what annoyed her and making sure I did lots of that infuriating behavior.

  “Tell me, Lena, how come you aren’t over there with the rest of your tribe wooing Dale?”

  “I was busy with the fire.”

  “Uh huh, ’cause they sure don’t seem interested in your opinion. Seems to me you weren’t invited to eat at the cool kids’ table.”

  Her eyes narrowed into laser beams of hate.

  “Don’t be embarrassed.”

  “You think I’m embarrassed?” she scoffed, smashing a bug on her arm and then flicking it in my direction. “If you must know, I had a tribe. We fought many battles together, but then my troops got gunned down one by one. Now I’m the last of my kind… a dying breed.”

  “Is that an analogy?”

  “What? I don’t know. You aren’t the brightest, are you?”

  “No, not really. It helps when people explain things slowly to me.”

  Len
a sighed, and then actually spoke deliberately as she responded. “My alliance was picked off one by one… until they were all gone. Poof. Vanished. Do you get it now, Dumbass?”

  Jesus. She went right for the insulting nicknames. I wasn’t sure what I’d done to invite such scorn, but I knew I would have to watch my back around her.

  “So, then, you’re not loyal to them?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “Why would you want to stick with people who picked your friends off one by one?”

  “Because I’d rather play with the enemies I know than take a chance on you morons.”

  “What would it take for you to flip?”

  “Depends,” Lena said, looking bored as she picked dirt out of her fingernails. “How loyal are you to Larry Bird, the four-eyed nerd, your little groupie girl, and the braless conversationalist?”

  I ignored Lena’s dig and answered her question of my loyalty. “They’re my troops.”

  “I figured,” she said rolling her eyes. “So predictable. Sounds like we’re going to have a stalemate… unless they get to your computer geek.”

  “Dale.”

  “Huh?”

  “His name is Dale, and they aren’t going to get to him.”

  “That’s what you think. See the black guy with the 70’s ‘stache over there?” she said, flicking her eyes in his direction.

  I nodded.

  “Homicide detective. Goes by his last name, Fergus. Nice, affable guy, but watch out. He’s a piranha. You think he’s on your side, and he’ll get you to agree to anything. And the worst part about it is he’ll make you think you like it. Say goodbye to Dale.”

  “You think you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you?”

  “I do have it all figured out. When you’re on the outside, you’ve got a lot of time to observe the nuances of the game. I’ll do what’s best for me, and if I think I’ll have a better shot with your pathetic group of human anomalies, then I’ll let you know.”

  “That’d be awesome, thanks,” I replied sarcastically. “Just keep in mind when you’re choosing sides who the power players are. We could barely lift our heads as we shuffled into your camp. We’re not exactly intimidating. You look tough. Which group do you think you’ll have a better chance of beating, our group of underachieving mutts, or your tribe of champion purebreds?”

  Lena threw a wicked smile my way. “You’re not as dumb as you look.”

  I didn’t give her the satisfaction of a reply. I got what she was doing – putting me down to knock me off balance. She was good at reading people, but so was I. Only we had different approaches on how to use that information. She employed her razor tongue; I preferred humor.

  Lena looked at me with more interest. “You realize I could kick your ass with ease?”

  I laughed. “I have no doubt.”

  “And I could make easy work of the accident victim, Boobs McGee, and the girl with Bambi eyes. Lord, how did those three ever make it this far?”

  “They have their strengths,” I replied, barely controlling my annoyance. I really didn’t like her crapping on my family. Lena saw my momentary lapse of control and smiled, no doubt filing it away somewhere to use it against me later.

  “Anyway, think about it,” I said.

  “I already have.”

  As I was walking away she called out, “Hey, how attached are you to the Jolly Green Giant?”

  “Pretty attached.”

  She shook her head, clearly disappointed in my answer. “That’s what I thought. So predictable.”

  TV Confessional

  “I got more action from the crab.”

  —Kyle

  26

  Kenzie: A Storm Is Coming

  Kyle came back shaking his head.

  “Nothing?” I asked.

  “I’m lucky she didn’t grab me by the balls and swing me around.”

  I winced. “That bad, huh?”

  “Well, she’s definitely not the type of woman who’s going to be swayed by a little flirting.”

  “So she’s a ‘no,’ then?”

  “Not necessarily. The two of us just aren’t going to be having sex anytime soon.”

  I laughed. That was a good thing if you asked me.

  “But there is some good news. She’s on the outs, like you thought. Oh, and her name is Lena, by the way. Don’t forget, or she might punch you in your Bambi eyes.”

  “She made fun of my eyes?” I frowned.

  “Oh, yeah, she was full of unflattering nicknames. Anyway, she’s pretty bitter and clearly hates the others on her tribe. I’m just not sure if she’s ready to cross over to the dark side. I played the whole ‘weakling’ angle with her. Told her she could easily beat us.”

  “Did she buy that?”

  Kyle eyed me, his brows scrunched in surprise. “Kenz, she can beat us. She’s tough and strong. You’ve seen her in challenges. I think the only one of us she’s afraid of is Carl.”

  It was no wonder the producers chose the East camp for us all to live in now. Not only was their beach nicer, but they had a natural barrier that protected them from the elements. It seemed they’d had a definite advantage from the start. How we’d come into the merge with equal numbers was a mystery to me. I had to wonder if it wasn’t our strong bond that had kept us together.

  Dale, Kyle, and I took advantage of some free time to float in the ocean. We’d invited Carl to join us, but he no longer went into the water when Kyle was around, even after he’d promised to keep the piss in his pants. The water was relaxing as we glided over the tranquil waves. It had been a long, eventful day, and we needed to talk. While we were out in the water, the skies darkened and the wind picked up.

  “A storm is coming,” Dale said ominously.

  “If it turns into a hurricane, you think they’d evacuate us?” Kyle asked.

  We all went silent, contemplating his words. That’s the way we were now – slow. Everything took more time to process.

  “No. I think they’d just film us all dying,” Dale said. “It would make for great television.”

  “With your luck, Dale, you’d come apart piece by piece. They’d find your little broken pinky finger in New Zealand.”

  “You ain’t a-kidding.”

  “I’ve always wanted a hurricane named after me,” I mused.

  “Hurricane Kenzie? Talk about a wimpy sounding storm,” Kyle scoffed, and then his voice went high pitched. “Hi! I’m Hurricane Kenzie! Would you mind if I ripped your roof off? No? Okay, I’ll come back later.”

  “Hey,” I laughed. “I think I’ve proven my toughness. Besides, I’d go by Mackenzie for something as official as a hurricane.”

  “Mackenzie? Is that your real name?” Dale asked.

  “Yes,” I answered, and then caught sight of Kyle’s amused face. “All right, give it to me. I’m sure you have some snarky comment.”

  “I didn’t say anything. Why do you always assume the worst of me?”

  “Why wouldn’t we?” Dale quipped.

  “Anyway, Hurricane Mackenzie would be a real bitch,” I continued. “It would be a category five monster and would not change direction whether there was land in the way or not. I mean, if you’re going to have a hurricane named after you, you want to make it big, right?”

  Kyle nodded like my logic made perfect sense to him.

  “Well, if there was a Hurricane Dale, it would be a moderate category 2.5, slowing down along the way because it would insist on making landfall on every island along its path.”

  “Your hurricane would be so incredibly organized,” Kyle laughed.

  “And boring. Everyone would be all worried, and then I’d show up and they’d be like, ‘Oh, it’s just Dale.’”

  “You’re not boring,” I said.

  “Oh, you don’t know me very well. I’m unmemorable. Most people forget my name the second they’re introduced to me.”

  “Well, then, people need to pay better attention,” I said. “Besides, after
this show, you won’t be forgettable anymore.”

  “I’m only going to be viewed as interesting because of the weirdos I’m keeping company with. No offense,” Dale said.

  “You don’t give yourself enough credit,” Kyle said. “You’re just as weird as the rest of us.”

  “So what kind of a hurricane would you be, Kyle?” I asked.

  “Hurricane Kyle would be sitting out in the water trying to figure out which direction was west.”

  Dale and I dissolved into laughter.

  Spurned on by our reaction, Kyle continued with his self-deprecating storm. “My hurricane would be so dumb that he wouldn’t even be able to find an island to make landfall.”

  We giggled for a bit more, and then Dale turned all serious. “Talk about not giving yourself credit.”

  “Huh?” Kyle responded.

  “You’re a lot smarter than you let on.”

  “Tell that to my teachers.”

  “There are different ways to be intelligent, Kyle. I’m around smart people all day, every day, and some of them have no common sense. And not only that, but their smarts don’t necessarily translate into a high-paying job or extra happiness. In fact, some of the smartest people I know are the unhappiest. You have a way about you. So do you, Kenzie. You two have great potential. I feel privileged to know you,” Dale said, before tearing up.

  “Are you crying?” Kyle asked in surprise, and stood up.

  “No, I’m just emotional. I love you guys.”

  “Ahh,” I cooed. “We love you too, Dale.”

  “There’s something I haven’t told you.”

  Glancing over at Kyle, I had an uneasy feeling.

  “We’ve got a problem,” he said with a solemn look on his face. Reaching down, he pulled up his swimsuit leg to reveal his festering bump, which now appeared to be a seriously infected swelling on his upper thigh. The angry red welt was bulging out from the skin.

  “Dude,” Kyle remarked, shaking his head. Really, there was no need to say more. It was just that bad.