by J. Bengtsson
My only connection to Kyle now was through Dale. During the airing of the various episodes, Dale would sometimes forward me funny little quotes that Kyle had sent to him. Those few words were the only thing I had to hold onto, so I treasured them. It wasn’t until the eleventh episode aired that word leaked out about Jake’s serious medical condition. Every day a new report or rumor surfaced, most of them were erroneous claims of his demise. I worried endlessly about Kyle and how he was handling the crisis. But once Jake’s medical emergency was revealed, Kyle no longer responded to Dale’s texts. It was as if he’d completely fallen off the radar, and there was no way to track him down.
“Whatcha doing?” Caroline came into my room and plopped down on my bed.
“Moping,” I answered casually. “What are you doing?”
Caroline crinkled her nose in that way I loved. When she was little I couldn’t help but smother her in kisses every time she did it. “You sure do a lot of that lately.”
“It’s just my thing.”
“That’s just it – moping is not your thing. I mean, if I’d been raised by a moper, do you think I’d be this fabulous?”
She had a point, although her simplistic sixteen-year-old assessment of my very adult predicament did little to lighten my mood.
“You wouldn’t understand,” I answered.
“I get it, Kenzie. We all get it,” Caroline emphasized the word all in such an overdramatic way. I wasn’t that annoying, was I? “You did a crappy thing. Kyle’s pissed. Now you need to make it right.”
“I wish it were that easy. He won’t call me. I don’t know where he lives. And his brother, the person who means most to him in the whole world, is lying in a hospital close to death. I’m pretty sure I’m the last person he wants to see.”
“Or maybe you’re just the person he needs to see.”
The last few days I’d been thinking the same thing. In my heart and soul, I knew Kyle needed me, whether he wanted to admit it or not. But with no connection to him, and no way to make my support known, I was helpless. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
“What’s wrong, Kenzie?” Caroline asked, smoothing my hair. My sister was maddeningly superficial at times, but if there was one thing that could bring her back to reality, it was family and her undying devotion to it. “What are you so afraid of?”
“I’m scared he’ll reject me. At least now I can pretend I still have a shot. But if I go and he turns me away, then it’ll be over forever. I’m not sure I’m ready to hear that.”
“A lot has happened since then,” Caroline reasoned, sounding so much more grown up than she was. “Maybe those stupid things that happened on a reality television show don’t matter to him as much, now that he has real life things to worry about.”
“Yeah, maybe. But what if he won’t give me the chance to explain?”
“Don’t give him the option.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes. It is. Get in his face and keep getting in his face until he listens. Don’t take no for an answer. I wouldn’t.”
“Oh, I know you wouldn’t,” I laughed through my tears. “Maybe you can do it for me.”
“I wish. He’s hot.”
Caroline lit a fire under my ass. The trip to Los Angles for the live finale was scheduled in a matter of days. We’d already decided to leave a few days early, not only because the drive took a good ten hours but also because Dad had promised us all a trip to Universal Studios and Disneyland. If all went as I hoped, I wouldn’t be joining my family at the Magic Kingdom; instead I would be with Kyle, forcing him to forgive me and offering him the support he needed.
It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was all I had.
With my arm hanging in a sling and gauze hastily wrapped around my head, my dad and I entered the hospital emergency room. It was the only way to get into the facility, with all of Jake’s fans on the sidewalks being held back by security guards and police officers. The main entrance was being manned, and if you didn’t have a close relative in the hospital, you weren’t getting in. So it came down to the emergency room and a faked injury. I employed my father in my deception, and he came willingly. He’d been watching me pine for weeks and knew I needed this.
The triage line was long and the emergency room bursting at the seams. We sat for a while just blending in with all the sickies, and then I grabbed my dad’s hand and looked him in the eyes.
“Go get him,” he said, and kissed my cheek.
“Oh, right.” I laughed. “Like it’ll be that easy.”
One thing I knew for certain, I wasn’t going to go down without a fight. Regardless of everything that had happened, our friendship had been real. I owed him an apology, and he owed me the time to give it. Inhaling a deep breath, I stood up with determination. I got this. With my head held high, I moved down the hall and just kept walking. No one said a word to me, and if they had, I would have told them I was going to the cafeteria. It wasn’t a lie; I planned to sit in there all day and all night. I knew Kyle was in the hospital, and he needed to eat at some point, so I began my vigil at 7:15 a.m., armed with my iPad and wallet full of cash for snacks. Every few hours I’d get up and buy some food, and then move to another table so people wouldn’t get suspicious that I didn’t belong.
It wasn’t until after three in the afternoon that Kyle walked in. My heart leapt in my chest and my body flushed with excitement. Just seeing him again brought back so many emotions. Thankfully I was able to keep everything under control. My feelings right now were irrelevant. The last thing Kyle needed was a lovesick girl throwing herself at his feet when he was struggling with so much.
I watched nervously as he picked out his food. His shoulders were slumped and his head drooped. The magnetic personality that I’d come to love was nowhere in sight. Kyle was worse than I’d imagined. He looked gutted. My eyes misted over, and the lump that had formed in my throat had me worried that I’d be crying before I ever got a word out. I took a few deep breaths and pulled myself back together. I was determined to be the person Kyle needed – strong and supportive, not needy and wounded.
I watched as he dropped heavily into a chair in the back of the cafeteria. He was slow and methodical in his movements. Whatever was happening with Jake was sucking the life out of Kyle.
Standing up on shaking legs, I smoothed down my hair as I took my first tentative steps forward. Kyle didn’t see me coming. Lost in thought, his eyes were fixed on his tray of food, yet none of its contents had left the plate. I stopped at his table and Kyle looked up, his blue eyes dulled with grief. They widened in surprise as they fixed on me. We just stared at each other, tears welling up in my eyes.
“Kyle, I…”
He stood up swiftly, the chair hitting the wall behind him. Oh, god, he was leaving. I had to make him hear me.
“Please, Kyle, just give me a chance.”
As he came around the table, I expected him to push past me angrily and was prepared to latch onto him and not let go. But instead of trying to evade me, Kyle’s arms wrapped around me and squeezed. Shocked, it took me a second to hug him back, but when I did, I held him fiercely. His head dug into my neck as I felt shudders rack through his body. He sighed heavily in my arms. This was a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. I could feel the sorrow coursing through him. We didn’t speak. There was no need. We held on to each other as if our lives depended on it.
Maybe they did.
After a minute, Kyle pulled back slightly, but we were still entangled in an embrace. Dark circles were heavy under his tired eyes. “How did you know I’d be here?”
“You know me and my surveillance techniques.”
He nodded, his lip turned up slightly. He couldn’t even muster a full smile, and that worried me more than I cared to admit. His family had not released much information about Jake’s condition, but by the look on Kyle’s face, it wasn’t good.
“I’ve been waiting here all day,” I admitted. “Hoping you’d come in.�
�
He nodded, eyes searching mine.
“I want you to know, Kyle, I’m so sorry. What I did was inexcusable.”
Kyle hugged me again. “Stop,” he whispered in my ear.
“No, you need to understand.”
“I do understand. I was just pissed that I got kicked out.”
“And you should have been. I betrayed you.”
“It was a game. You played it. I’m proud of you. After your less-than-stellar start, I didn’t think you’d last a day on the island, and now look at you.”
I shook my head. “You and I both know it went beyond the game. I really cared about you… or let me change that to present tense, I care about you. A lot. And the minute I made the decision I made, I knew it was a huge mistake. I wanted to take it back, but I couldn’t. And I’ve spent the last three months just agonizing over it. I would have come sooner to apologize, but I didn’t know where to find you.”
“I’m not mad at you. Honestly, I just don’t have the energy for petty shit like that. I get it. You did what you had to do. Family is the most important thing. Trust me – I know that,” Kyle said, morosely. “You were just looking out for them. I would have done the same thing if I were in your position.”
“No,” I whispered, shamefaced. “I did it for me, because I was selfish.”
“I don’t care. I accept your apology, and I don’t want to talk about it again. Okay?”
I hesitated. Much like when he accepted my apology for vomiting on him, I couldn’t fathom how he could be so forgiving.
“Seriously, no more apologies. Promise.”
“I promise.”
Kyle dropped his head and put his hand on the table to steady himself. He seemed exhausted to the point where he might drop at any moment.
“Are you okay?” I asked, grabbing his arm to support him.
“Yeah. I need to sit down. I haven’t eaten in a while,” he said as he slid back into his chair.
Sitting down opposite Kyle, I placed my hand over his.
“Sorry,” he apologized. “I’m a mess right now.”
“Don’t be sorry. I wish I could do something to help you.”
Kyle lifted his eyes, and the look he gave me was one of pure misery.
I grabbed his hand and squeezed.
“It’s so fucked up, Kenzie.” His voice faltered.
“Is he…will he…” I stammered, unsure of what I was even asking.
“I can’t…” Kyle sighed heavily. “I just… I don’t want to talk about it now. I’m just trying to get from one day to the next.”
He looked so lost. Instinctively I knew he needed strength and direction. “Well, the first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. You’re no good to Jake if you’re falling apart yourself. You need to eat. And then you need to shower. Maybe put on some clean clothes. And then we can get some fresh air and just talk. Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.”
He picked up the chicken wrap on his tray and shoved half of it in his mouth. My eyes widened in surprise, wondering how guys did that. My brothers were the same way. They inhaled food. I always thought of them like dogs, swiping and swallowing their food before anyone had a chance to snatch it away from them. Kyle spent the next minute chewing, when he could have taken smaller bites and still been in the same place he was now.
Once he had finished his first wrap and was tearing through a bag of chips, I went back up and bought him a second one, which was also devoured in minutes.
“Damn, Kyle, when was the last time you ate?”
“I don’t know. I just snack here and there. I’ve been eating lots of Jell-O and pudding cups.”
“Well, I guess it beats mollusks.”
“Oh, god, don’t remind me. That was the worst.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “But the best too. I had the time of my life on that island, with you and the rest of the Dork Quad.”
“Me too. It was a great time, wasn’t it?” Kyle said, with a far-off look in his eye. “It was like a fucked-up summer camp.”
I laughed. “That it was. Have you been watching?”
“I saw the first few episodes, but then everything happened, and I just couldn’t really concentrate.”
“So you have no idea how popular you are, then?”
“Really?” Kyle grinned, seeming surprised. “Why? Was it my crab scene?”
“It was everything. People love you, Kyle. You just come across so real and genuine. I was actually looking pretty good too, until… well, you know. And now everyone hates me.”
“For kicking me off?”
“Yes.”
Kyle actually laughed. “Serves you right.”
“Yes, it does,” I agreed wholeheartedly. I deserved all the scorn heaped on me. Still, his words soothed me. It felt good to laugh about it. Kyle seemed not to hold a grudge, and that spoke volumes to the type of person he was.
“Dale’s been really worried about you. You haven’t been returning his texts.”
“I know. I haven’t been up to talking to anyone. Can you let him know I’m okay?”
“You can tell him yourself on Wednesday.”
Kyle looked confused by my words.
“The finale? You’re going to the taping, right?”
“Wait – what day is it today?”
“Monday. The taping is in two days. Didn’t anyone tell you?”
Kyle exhaled noisily and dropped his head. “Last week they started putting all kinds of pressure on me, so I blocked their calls. I’m just not going to show up.”
“Don’t you have to be there? It’s in the contract.”
“Yeah, well, fuck the contract. They can sue me. I’m not going to go in there so they can exploit what happened to Jake and parade me around for the cameras.”
Kyle’s words dripped resentment. I sympathized with his plight, but the legal ramifications if he bailed would be a nightmare. The look on his face kept me from commenting further. He didn’t ask for or want my opinion, so I kept it to myself.
We sat there awkwardly for a moment until he pushed back his chair once more and stood up. The food had done him some good. He looked stronger now. “Let’s go. I really need a shower.”
“You do.” I fanned my hand over my nose. “But lucky for you, I’m used to stinky Kyle.”
“You like me au natural.”
“I never said I liked it,” I balked. “Being used to something and liking it are two wildly separate things.”
“Well, I’m not showering for you anyway. I’m doing it for my poor mother. She’s been begging me for days and has resorted to wearing a surgical mask around her nose and mouth when I’m around.”
“You’re not that bad.”
“You don’t know my mom. She has the nose of a bloodhound.”
Kyle grabbed his tray, and we walked over to the moving dish receptacle system that sent the dishes back into the kitchen. He stared in fascination as his tray was robotically whisked away. I had to smile. That was the Kyle I knew and loved.
I touched his back. “You ready?”
Kyle nodded and led me out of the cafeteria, taking one last look over his shoulder as his tray disappeared into the kitchen. He strode through the hospital like a man who knew exactly where he was going, and I struggled to keep up with his long legs. We rode elevators and crossed internal bridges between buildings until we came to a door. Kyle opened it with a key card.
“What is this?”
“An apartment. It’s like for hospice families. We use it so we can be close to him, just in case…” His voice trailed off.
Just in case. My heart sank. I wanted to ask him what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t my place. Suddenly, memories of my mother lying covered with a sheet on a gurney flashed before my eyes. I prayed that wouldn’t be Jake’s fate. I’d never met him before, but I knew how important he was to Kyle and that made him important to me.
I stepped into the apartment behind him. “Wow.”
“What?�
��
“It’s just weird to think this apartment is in a hospital.” It was a homey two-bedroom place with a spacious living room and kitchen. “I mean, this is really nice. Is your whole family staying here?”
“Off and on. We go in shifts, so he’s never alone. I just got off mine before going for some food.”
Just then a pretty young woman with long brown hair walked out of the bathroom, drying her hair with a towel. A sister, maybe? She looked up and startled when she saw us.
“Oh, geez. You scared me. I was starting to worry about you when you didn’t come back,” she said to Kyle, giving him a quick hug.
“Casey, this is…”
“Kenzie. I know,” she smiled, running her hands through her wet hair. “Sorry, I didn’t know Kyle was bringing home company, or I would have looked a bit more presentable. At least I have my clothes on, right?”
As I looked on, a knowing glance passed between them, and they smiled at one another. Definitely not a sister. Then it dawned on me. Oh, shit. This was Kyle’s girlfriend. It had never occurred to me that he might have one, but several months had passed since the filming, so, of course he did. I felt my walls go up. How stupid could I be? I thought I was here to help him through these rough times, but he already had someone for that.
In a gesture of greeting, Casey came in for a hug. Surprised, I returned it, and took a step back. “I’ve been watching you and Kyle on the show. I feel like I already know you,” she said.
Okay, so she wasn’t the jealous type. That was good. Kyle gave me a quizzical look, and then his eyes brightened as if a light bulb had gone off inside his head.
“Casey is Jake’s girlfriend,” he said to me.
“Oh.” My eyebrows danced in surprise. “Oh, I thought…”
“Yeah, I know what you thought,” Kyle nodded, teasing me.
Casey’s expression showed confusion.
“She thought you were my girlfriend.”
They both laughed like it was the stupidest thing they’d ever heard.
“Oh, please, I have better taste than that,” she needled Kyle. “I prefer my guys with less stink.”