My Teenage Dream Ended

by Farrah Abraham

  Derek hadn’t shown up to work yet, though it was past the time he was supposed to be there, and I overheard one of his guy friends saying, “Derek better show up and not let Farrah win.”

  I thought, What game are we playing? I haven’t even talked to him. But when Derek showed up I caught on to what game he wanted to play. He walked in and all the guys high-fived him and cheered. I played it cool and acted like I didn’t notice. A mutual friend filled me in later about what was going on in the restaurant, because I was up front hosting.

  He said, “Derek is back there, talking about some girl and how she picked out the color for his cast. He’s talking likes she’s his new girlfriend.”

  I acted like it didn’t bother me. “That’s cool. I don’t really care. Good for him, ‘cause my friend hit him in his face.”

  The night wore on and we all focused on doing our jobs—hosting, running food, serving. I overheard Derek a couple of times talking loudly about some girl and then looking at me as I walked up to the host stand.

  Our mutual friend came over again. “Farrah, I think he’s making some of this stuff up. We’re not asking questions, but he keeps talking. He just wants to get you mad, girl.”

  Again I just said, “I don’t care.”

  Everyone was looking for me to react to Derek’s games, but I wasn’t going to let him get the upper hand. I did my hourly cleaning and then took my break. I got ice cream for dessert and the girls wanted pickles so I got some pickles, too.

  I was almost done eating when one of the servers noticed me. “Girl, you’re eating ice-cream and pickles. You know what that means,” and he laughed.

  I said, “No, what does it mean?”

  He looked surprised, “It means you’re pregnant.”

  “I don’t think so.” I was so angry at Derek and distracted by his games that I couldn’t think straight. Then another host at the stand, said, “I could never picture Farrah pregnant. It’s not possible. She’s so tiny, a baby would never fit.”

  I said, “Yeah, I have a six pack.”

  I laughed, but it did worry me. I still hadn’t gotten my period since before cheer camp and because of everything being so up and down with Derek and me, we hadn’t gone yet to get me a pregnancy test. I realized I would probably have to deal with it on my own, but I pushed it out of my mind.

  The following week at work another mutual friend mentioned that she had helped Derek with a tire issue the other night. She said his whole tire flew off his car. I laughed because I used to tell him all the time to fix that tire, but I didn’t want to think about Derek. I wondered why she was talking to me about him. She knew we were fighting and I didn’t need to hear that they were hanging out.

  Finally, I said, “Why are you talking to me about Derek? I don’t care if you’re friends, but I don’t want to talk about him.”

  “Well, I just don’t want you to get mad at me. We’re friends and he gets me weed.” I was silent for a moment. I couldn’t believe Derek was dealing weed at work.

  “I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear about it.”

  For the rest of the day, it felt like Derek was trying to test me. He kept asking my friend to go smoke with him—it got really irritating.

  Eventually, our manager came up and asked where she was.

  I said, “I think she went to smoke.”

  Our manager looked annoyed. “How many times has she gone out already? And how long has she been out there this time?”

  I said, “I don’t know. Maybe five minutes.”

  I was lying, but I didn’t want to get her in trouble, especially when it was really Derek’s fault.

  My friend came back in and said, “The manager’s mad at me. She said I can’t smoke anymore.”

  “Sorry. I tried to stall, but we needed more help.”

  The next day when I got to work, Derek was flirting with one of the other employees. At first I was hurt, but then I remembered how, when she started working there, Derek had said, “She’s kind of ugly and looks like a nerd. I wonder why they hired her,” and I realized this was just another one of his games to make me jealous.

  That whole shift, Derek kept walking around me like I didn’t exist, and he kept coming up to the host stand flirting with the other hostesses. All the girls began talking about him flirting with them. I knew his flirting was an act, but the girls sure thought he was being sincere.

  Finally, I said, “Derek is so annoying. He’s just trying to make me mad!” A lot of the girls who had known that Derek and me were dating agreed. One said, “We don’t get why you ever dated him. He looks gay.” But the newer girls acted like he really wanted to date them.

  I worked late that night. After I finished cleaning the bathroom at the end of my shift, I was starving, so I decided to eat at work. I got my food and sat down. I was winding down from working all day, listening to the music from the outside bar, when suddenly Derek came over and sat down opposite me. I was surprised because I thought he had already left for the night.

  I said, “Hi,” and looked down at my food. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see our managers staring at us, probably just as confused as I was.

  Derek said, “We need to quit fighting and work through our problems.”

  I was caught off guard. I had been feeling so anti-Derek and he had been ignoring me, so where was this coming from?

  I said, “I’m not fighting.”

  I wanted to act like I didn’t care but then the irritation I had been holding back got the better of me and I blurted, “But I guess you’re hanging with some other girl now, since she picked out the color of your cast for you, and you’ve been hitting on all the hosts and giving weed to people at work.”

  Derek looked surprised. “I’m not hanging out with any other girl. I’m friends with other girls, just like you’re friends with other guys, and it’s someone else who’s selling weed to people. Not me. I’m just his friend.”

  “So that makes everything better? Sorry, I’m not talking to you anymore.”

  Derek sat there quietly and I finished eating. When I was almost done, he leaned forward and said, “Can I take you home?”

  “Yes.”

  That’s all it took.

  I was quiet in the car and just said, “bye,” when we got to my house. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen in the future, but I was happy we were at least talking again.

  After that, I decided it was best to let our co-workers go on thinking that we were still fighting. Derek wasn’t too happy about it, but I was sick of everyone knowing my business. People would make comments like, “Derek looks like a sad puppy dog today.” Or they would ask me, “When are you two going to get back together again?” but I didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure how I felt about us talking again and it was easier to keep it private.

  One night after work, we went to the riverfront and walked for about ten or fifteen minutes. Derek tried to hold my hand the whole time, but I wouldn’t let him. He was really trying to connect with me, but I didn’t want to get hurt anymore. I could tell he was upset that I wasn’t being nicer to him.

  He said, “You act like you don’t care about me anymore.”

  “Derek, I do care about you, but we’re better off as friends right now.”

  He stopped walking and turned to face me. “My uncle died today and you don’t even care!”

  Instantly, I stopped being mad. All my love for Derek just welled up inside me. I hugged him and asked, “How did he die?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it. My mom just found out today.”

  “I’m really sorry. I know how much you loved your uncle.”

  I looked at Derek. He was crying. I remembered meeting his uncle and how nice he had been to me. He had been one of the few people in Derek’s family who seemed supportive of our relationship. I knew Derek looked up to his uncle and remembered how impressed he had been with his uncle’s burnt orange Mitsubishi.

  “Yeah. I’m going to miss him a lot.” Derek g
rabbed my hand. “Farrah, let’s start talking again. We can take things slow.”

  It hurt me to see Derek so upset and I wanted to make him happy again. I couldn’t say no. I loved him too much. So I hugged him and said, “Okay. I love you Derek.”

  TIME TO FACE THE TRUTH

  The next week at work we started talking to each other in front of other people. The hostesses rolled their eyes at us and the guys were annoyed I was back with Derek. Our managers just seemed relieved we weren’t fighting anymore.

  Derek would take me home after work and one afternoon I talked him into letting me dye his hair—I couldn’t stand those blonde tips anymore. We did it at a friend’s house because my parents still didn’t know we were together. Things had been so up and down since May that I had never found the right moment to tell them.

  Derek’s hair turned out a handsome brown color. His tips were gone and he looked like his old self. It was like we were officially best friends again. I would sneak Derek into my house occasionally and we would go out together. Everyone at work told us we now looked like brother and sister because our hair color matched.

  One day Derek met me at the restaurant before my shift. I was hungry, so I ordered some food from the bartender. He seemed to have a little crush on me, but I thought Derek would be cool with it because he wasn’t as hot as Derek, so Derek had nothing to worry about. But after I ordered, Derek started getting huffy about the bartender flirting with me.

  I said, “Let’s eat outside,” so we could get away from the situation before Derek made a scene. Derek followed me, but spouted out to the bartender, “Ugly mutherfucker!” on his way out. I kept walking and pretended I didn’t hear. I thought it was mean of Derek to do that and I was embarrassed.

  We sat down outside with our food and Derek seemed to be calming down. It was so nice and quiet by the water. There was a cool breeze and the sun was shining. The bartender brought my food out and set it down in front of me, emphasizing everything he did, being extra nice to get under Derek’s skin. After he left, Derek got upset.

  “You’re not talking to him anymore!”

  “I can talk to him if I want. I’m okay with him.”

  “Why would you talk to him? He shouldn’t hit on you if we’re talking. He doesn’t respect that, so fuck him.”

  “Well, I’m going to talk to him because I have to work with him.”

  This discussion was going nowhere. I picked up my sandwich to take a bite, trying to inhale the taste and enjoy the view. Then the next thing I knew, Derek took my dish and flipped it over. Some of the food got on me and the rest went all over the floor. By the time I had swallowed my bite and could even say anything, Derek had stormed off and left me there. I was angry and humiliated, but I cleaned up the mess and acted like nothing had happened. I went inside to work and the bartender barely looked at me anymore.

  The next day I told Derek that I needed to get a new phone. In the car on the way there we talked about getting a shared plan. Of course, I knew this was a big deal, but I felt like we needed something to show that we were committed.

  We looked at phones and picked some out, but when we left the store only I had a new phone and contract. At the last minute Derek changed his mind. He didn’t give me a reason. He just said that the phone he had was good enough for the time being. Since we were on our way to hang out at the pool, I let it go because I just wanted to relax and have a nice day with him. I wanted to feel like everything was perfect.

  After we changed, we met by the pool and found chairs to lie on. We sat for about ten minutes, taking pictures and enjoying one another. Finally, the tension was gone and we were back to being a happy couple.

  Then Derek’s friend Bentley called. Derek was pretty quiet when he answered, so I wasn’t sure what he was saying. But he got off the phone and ten minutes later, sure enough, Bentley popped up at the pool.

  I was annoyed. I felt like we hadn’t talked about inviting his friend to join us, so why was Bentley here? Plus, now Derek was talking to Bentley and ignoring me. I finally got so annoyed at being left out that I said something.

  “Derek, why didn’t you tell me your friend was coming? I thought this was our day to hang out alone together.”

  Derek didn’t answer me. Then Bentley got mad because he thought I was being rude and he got up and left.

  I said loudly, “How dramatic!”

  Derek was pissed. “You don’t need to be a bitch to my friends.”

  “Well, you don’t need to be with Bentley all the time!”

  Derek’s phone went off again. I knew that it was Bentley, probably bitching about me, because Derek got off the phone, grabbed his stuff, and just left me at the pool. He didn’t even say anything.

  I was lucky I had my sunglasses on, so nobody noticed me crying. I sat there for ten minutes trying to calm down and figure out whom to call to come pick me up. I realized I had left my new phone and all my contract information in Derek’s car, but fortunately I still had my old phone and hadn’t turned off the service. I couldn’t call my parents. This was definitely not how I wanted them to find out I had been seeing Derek. I ended up calling my sister. She wanted to know why I needed a ride home from the pool, so I had to tell her, “Because Derek left me here.”

  While I was waiting for my sister to come get me, Derek called. I picked up and just yelled at him—about leaving me and about what an asshole he was. I pretty much didn’t let him say anything. Then I hung up on him.

  I waited in front of the pool ‘til my sister picked me up. Then I had to admit to her that I had left my new phone in Derek’s car. My sister wasn’t happy about all the running around I was asking her to do for me, but she was even more annoyed by Derek and his behavior.

  I was beyond mad. I was ready to hate Derek for everything and never speak to him again. But I had to get back my new phone, so I had no choice but to call him. He told us to meet him at his house, but when we pulled up, he wasn’t even there. I tried calling and texting him, but he didn’t pick up or reply to my texts. Finally, he pulled up around the corner and his dumb friend Bentley was in the car with him.

  My sister was pissed. She glared at Derek. “You know, stealing phones, we could call the police for that.”

  Derek threw the phone over to her and then looked at me and said, “Love you, Babe!” and drove off.

  I didn’t know what to make of that. Was Derek being sincere or was he mocking me and throwing my love in my face? I was upset, but my sister didn’t want to talk about what had happened. She was sick of Derek.

  When I got home, I had to face the truth. I couldn’t stand who Derek had become. I knew I couldn’t hang out with him anymore. I went into work and switched my hours, so I would only work mornings and I wouldn’t have to see him anymore.

  UNPLANNED PARENTHOOD

  By now it was late July. A lot had happened since the end of June, and none of it made me feel like there was hope for Derek and me. I tried to keep busy, so I wouldn’t dwell on how much he had hurt me over the past couple of months. I went to summer cheer practice and to work. When I wasn’t doing that, I hung out and tanned with my friends.

  But there was something else I had been trying to avoid thinking about, something that at this point I had no choice but to deal with: I still hadn’t gotten my period.

  I finally had to face the fact that something was really wrong. I wasn’t just late. Now, when I did my abdominal planks during cheer practice, it didn’t look like I had a six-pack anymore. It looked like I had a small triangle poking out of my tummy. I knew that I was probably pregnant and I started freaking out.

  I confided in one of my closest cheer friends, Zabby. She promised she would keep it a secret and said I should get a test to make sure. But I didn’t want to go with her to get the test because, even though we were close, you can’t trust cheerleaders not to gossip. I couldn’t ask Derek because he wasn’t returning my calls, so I asked my girlfriend, Sadie, from work to go with me.

  One
day at work, I said to her, “Will you come with me to get a test to see if I’m pregnant?”

  Sadie looked shocked. “Are you serious?”

  “Yeah. I’m late, and my body feels different. My pants are tighter. I don’t trust anyone else. Please?”

  “Okay. I’ll borrow my mom’s car and come get you after cheer practice tomorrow.” She knew all about my history with Derek and was really supportive.

  After cheer practice the next day, Sadie picked me up and we went to the Planned Parenthood clinic, which is where I had gotten my birth control. Sadie came in with me and we sat in the waiting room until my name was called. I was so nervous, the wait felt like forever. When I finally heard the nurse call my name, I wanted to hide my face.

  Sadie said, “I’ll wait out here.”

  I got up and said, as cheerfully as I could, “Okay, see you soon.”

  As I followed the nurse, I had a million thoughts running through my head: It’s just nerves. It’s the birth control making you fat—anything that could possibly explain why I had put on weight other then the fact that I might be pregnant.

  But now it was truth time. I would find out if I was or I wasn’t.

  The nurse led me to a restroom and told me to pee in the cup she gave me and then leave it in the restroom and come out when I was done. I peed into the cup and looked at it. It didn’t look any different to me. It looked like my regular pee. I don’t think I’m pregnant, I thought to myself. I set the cup on the sink and walked out of the restroom.

  Then the nurse led me to an exam room and told me to wait there until she came back with the results of the test. I sat there and waited. I thought, If I’m not pregnant, I’m never having sex with Derek again, after all the shit he’s done to me and now he’s not even here with me. I’m going to quit having sex altogether. Then I tried to think what would happen if I was pregnant, but my mind didn’t want to go there.

  After ten minutes, the nurse came in. I tried to be happy and cheerful, hoping that if I acted normal, everything would be fine and the test would be negative. I looked at the nurse’s face. She didn’t look happy.