by Leanne Davis
“What about pets?”
“A dog.”
“You?” His eyebrows rose incredulously. “I pictured you with a cat. But I’ll bet you mean those little toy miniature mutts.”
“No, I meant a real dog. Like up to my knees at the minimum. I think I’d rescue one from a shelter. No reason to buy a purebred when there are so many dogs in need.”
Nate shook his head. “Didn’t picture that coming from you.”
Ally smiled back, crossing her arms under her breasts. “Oh, you haven’t begun to probe the depths of Ally McKinley.”
Nate smiled wider, standing up and stepping closer to her. Her head tilted back until it was inches from his. He swept her hair off her shoulder with one hand. “I’d really like to get to know that Ally, too. The whole Ally.”
Ally nearly gulped when she saw the passionate way Nate was staring into her eyes. “I’d like you to.”
And so they kept talking long into the night. They drank more wine and only moved inside when it got too cold. Sprawled side-by-side on the couch, they discussed every subject from the current politics to their opinions on the world’s religions. As morning approached, with heavy eyelids, Nate brushed Ally’s hair back from her forehead. Always putting his hands through it, he seemed inordinately attracted to it. “You were unsure how to touch me earlier, weren’t you?”
“Yes,” he grunted in all honesty.
“Because of my body image?”
“Well, not because I have a problem with your body image, but because I didn’t know what you were comfortable with.”
“You. I want to be comfortable with you, Nate.”
He rubbed a palm over her cheek and his thumb along her jaw. “I was so scared to lose you at first. I was almost desperate to convince you to date me. Maybe you felt like you had to live up to some kind of ideal image. I don’t want you to feel that way ever again. I want you to be exactly whoever and whatever you are. Maybe we could learn how to be together better.”
“I would like that.”
Nate took Ally’s hand and their eyes locked as he gently pulled her onto her feet. “Let’s go to bed.”
Chapter Seventeen
ALLY FOLLOWED HIS SOFT tugging. She inhaled slowly and told her stomach to quit fluttering. It was Nate, for Pete’s sake. They’d had sex dozens of times, and done every single thing one could imagine doing sexually together. Yet, now she felt like a virgin about to be deflowered. Her anxiety was that real.
Nate let go of her hand and turned towards her, cupping her face with his hands. The room was shadowy, and the moonlight drew shadows through the open slats of the window. She grabbed his hand on her face and clutched it in hers, kissing his palm, and looking right into his eyes as she did so. He took in a long, deep breath.
She kept kissing his palm, his knuckles and eventually clasped his hand in hers. “I’m scared,” she admitted.
“I’m not. It’s us, sunshine. Just us. There’s no one else here. No family. No counselors. No teachers. No Vickie. No judgment. Just us. You and me.” His tone was soft, almost caressing her as he stepped forward, pulling her against his chest.
She let his mouth fall onto hers, and was instantly reassured. His lips molded over hers, tasting her and making her knees almost buckle. He let her go and put more space between them, holding her gaze while his hands lowered to the rim of her sweatshirt. Bunching the fabric in his fist, he started to lift all of it upwards. She closed her eyes, letting him gently pull it over her head. He dropped the sweatshirt and t-shirt combo on the floor before his hands rested on her shoulders, and he began moving his thumbs back and forth over her collarbone on her bare skin. His eyes were fastened on hers, then they lowered and stared at her neck as she swallowed. He let them glide over her shoulders and her breasts, down to her stomach. His hand slid between her cleavage and fell on her stomach. He rubbed her belly and she shut her eyes, shuddering at all the controversy this particular body part caused. It felt diseased and broken and disgusting and vulnerable. He stopped for a moment, and dropped onto his knees before she felt his lips kissing her stomach while his hands pulled at her pants. His soft mouth trailed little kisses and bites as his tongue glided over her skin. She knew what he was doing. The comfort, the acceptance, and the unconditional love she withheld from herself Nate was hoping to give her.
After discarding her lower clothes, Nate sprang to his feet and quickly removed his own sweatshirt and jeans. Clad only in their underwear, they stood, facing each other. He smiled and put his hand out.
“I love you.”
She put her hand in his and listened to his words as they traveled from her ears, to her brain and finally entered her heart and her soul. “Even now?” she whispered.
“Especially now,” he replied, kneeling down to suddenly pick her up. She shrieked in surprise after the solemnity of undressing and the shared moment of intimacy. Her legs circled around him as he deposited her again on the bed, falling on top of her. His mouth was on hers. He trailed his fingertips over her stomach again, and she caught her breath when he sparked her nerves as he found the edge of her panties and dipped a finger inside. She wrapped her arms around his neck and cried out his name. She’d forgotten how good, no, amazing, and hot it felt to be turned on. Especially by Nate. The one person she felt safe with. Protected by. Alive with. Challenged by. In tune with. It wasn’t gone, not one bit of it.
Realizing that their connection hadn’t evaporated because of what she was filled her eyes with hot tears. She hadn’t lost him after all.
He paused, his head jerking up when he caught sight of her tears. Taking his hands off her as suddenly as if she turned to molten lava and was burning his flesh, he said, “It’s okay, Ally. We don’t have to. I just want to be here with you. It’s okay. Please, don’t cry.”
She smiled, pulling him forward, and hugging and clinging to him. “No. No, don’t stop. I’m crying because I’m so relieved to know it still feels the same. Between us. Hot. Wonderful. Loving. Intimate. It’s… perfect. That’s why I’m crying. I didn’t totally ruin it for us. Or lose what we had together.”
He smiled at her, letting his hair fall down on his forehead. His gaze was so tender on her that her heart nearly burst from her chest by the way he was looking at her. “No, we aren’t ruined. Or lost. We’re right here, still together.”
She scooched around, pulling and tugging at her underwear, trying to move it out of the way. Grabbing Nate, she swiftly stripped him of his underwear before opening her legs, almost desperately now, she needed him so badly. She had to have Nate inside her. He filled her up, sliding into her slick wetness as she sighed and moaned with raw pleasure… Ally relished the sense of completeness. Nate felt it too. He was amazed by the speed in which Ally had him inside her. That was evident on his face before his expression melted into unbridled desire.
Having begun using alternate birth control months ago, Ally continued to do so. Without a condom, they were skin to skin. Her heat against his heat. His hardness inside her wetness. It was heaven for both of them. And missed by both. She nearly stretched her arms and laughed with joy. She could still do it and feel like this. Like a desired, wanted, sexy woman. A beloved woman. She closed her eyes, savoring the sensations of his body inside hers. Her body that was often the source of so much pain, both physical and emotional, was for now a source of pleasure.
She came with his body still hard inside hers and her arms around his neck, clinging to him, rejoicing in their reunion, and because she was still there. She was still Ally McKinley, perhaps a slightly worn and altered version, and with all kinds of new problems, but she was still Ally inside her body. Her heart swelled as he came inside her and clung to her tightly; she could feel how much he needed her, and loved her still.
****
Waking up together turned out to be far less awkward and strange than the entire previous day. Ally and Nate slept late and didn’t eat until noon. Nate didn’t feel weird either when he asked Ally what she’d
like to eat and where. They chose an outdoor bistro, and walked on the beach before relaxing at the pool. That was where they spent most of the afternoon. The questions continued at length. They were endless conversation starters that kept them talking until they both forgot the time. Dinner was rarely before nine because they were always discussing something. This time, it was what they should do if they decided to travel anywhere else.
Days went by of the same thing. Talking, walking, swimming, relaxing, and more talking. They had lots of sex, but there was intimacy too. A new level of comfort that was unprecedented until now emerged. But in many ways it seemed almost like they were still brand new with one another.
When darkness fell on the last night of their vacation, Ally put her shoes on and announced, “I’m going to walk one last time. Do you want to come with me?”
Nate yawned. “Not unless you insist. All these late nights are catching up to me. I might fall asleep.”
Ally kissed him before exploring the small town. She walked the sidewalks, taking a path that hugged the woods until it opened up to rows of houses and back to Main Street, which was closed now. Close to eleven o’clock, there were very few vacationers out at this time of night. Ally walked to the edge of the stairs and the beach access. It was a black, blank slate. The thuds and crashing of the waves sounded even louder in the pitch darkness. She shivered at the scope if it; being so massive, both in sound and space. Three small lights from fishing vessels that were far beyond the breaking surf, were the only beacons in the vastness. She felt so alone staring into such vastness.
The vastness, the emptiness invited her drifting thoughts to wonder. She started to contemplate how the next few months would go. What about graduating? What about law school? Could she do it? Would she still do it? But then, where else would she go? What else could she do? It was her dream to go. How could she not? Wouldn’t that create more unhappiness in her, and maybe even depression, which seemed worse than stress as a trigger for bulimia. So maybe, she needed to follow her dreams and all her plans.
But then there was the next year and then years after tonight of dealing with bulimia. Shivering at the sheer enormity of it, she attempted to calm her racing thoughts with deep breaths. No. Stop. She didn’t have to do this. One day. All she had to do was deal with it today. Now. Tonight.
Shivering at the thoughts and suddenly wanting company she texted Nate and asked him to meet her. Most likely, he was already sound asleep. If he even realized she messaged him. But seconds later, her phone rang. He said he’d be right there.
Ally stared out at the sea, and sat down on a public bench. The overhead lighting was spaced ten feet apart, and it lit the street all the way to the sand before it stopped, leaving the beach under a blanket of black. The bench she sat on actually vibrated at some of the thunderous waves. She was again humbled by the awesome pounding of the ocean’s waves that could actually make the wooden bench onshore tremble from their intensity. Ally glanced up when a scuff of gravel caught her attention. Nate was walking towards her, wearing a sweatshirt with his hands thrust deeply in the pockets. He also wore sweats and tennis shoes.
He was nearly jogging when he drew close to her, and his expression was very serious. “What’s up? Are you okay?” Panic tainted his voice and Ally nearly smacked her head with her open hand. Duh! He must’ve thought her text was a cry for help about her eating disorder. Ally didn’t think it out beforehand. Taking a deep breath, she slowly exhaled, trying to reduce some of the anxiety that began to mount. This was another unexpected part of it. Being in a relationship, she was sharing her life, along with her bulimia. It meant when he received an unexpected message from her he might come running to her his head full of her binging or on the verge of, and in need of help. When all she might be doing is asking for his company.
She stood up, feeling kind of silly. “I’m fine. I just wanted your company.”
His shoulders slouched in physical relief. “Company I can do.”
“What if I was calling you for help? What would you do?”
He shrugged. “For now? Listen to you. Try to talk it out with you. Maybe, as time goes by, we both learn better ways to deal with it.”
“That would be, pretty amazing of you.”
“That would be what you’d do for me if roles were reversed.”
“I’d like to believe that of myself.”
“Well I do. So if all is good, why the cryptic message?”
She licked her lips. “It will sound kind of stupid now. After scaring you.”
He shrugged. “Try me.”
“I was sitting here, listening to that… the pounding of waves. It got me thinking… wondering… stressing. Like I do. I was starting to obsess over what I should do about next year.”
Nate stepped closer and a small smile appeared on his lips. “Feeling a little overwhelmed by it all? Living without being bulimic?”
“Yes.”
“Find any conclusions?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. But I realized I don’t have to do this alone.”
His gaze focused on her. She closed her eyes and said simply, “You. You are what keeps me from being alone with this thing. Because I have someone that I matter to. And someone who matters to me. I have someone who feels as important to my life as the waves are to the ocean. I am scared to death to live without what I used to do with food. But I feel like maybe I can do it if I have you in my life. And like tonight when I start to grow overwhelmed, instead of going off and eating alone, throwing it up alone, I can call you. I can talk to you. I can finally not be alone with all of my stress.”
“No, you don’t have to be alone with it anymore. Or pretend it’s not there. Or pretend to be perfect. Because I’m right with you, knowing you’re not. Glad you’re not and wanting you to talk to me, rather than go off alone.”
She blinked her eyes as tears pricked her lids. “I love you, Nate. I think about getting better, and even though it has to be for me first, the other reason I want to get better is because I want you. I don’t want to be a burden to you either. I know it’s a lot of pressure to put on you right now, but if being with you helps me get better, and motivates me to stay better, how could that be a bad a thing?”
Nate’s entire posture changed. From standing slouched, and at ease, his spine straightened; he shifted his weight on his legs and tilted his head so Ally could see his rapt attention to her words. His breath fluttered just slightly. “You love me? You’ve never said that to me before.”
Ally bit her lip. “I do, Nate. I love you. I love that you let me be as anal and crazy about details as it comes naturally for me. I don’t have to restrain it or stop it or excuse it away. I love the way you try to divert me from my natural inclination toward perfection. I love how you make me smile and laugh at myself when I couldn’t before. And most of all, I love how I feel whenever I’m with you.”
Nate stepped closer, embracing her tightly. “I love you too for all those ways.”
“Even with bulimia? I can’t get rid of it, Nate. It’s something I, well, really we, would have to live with every day. I swear to you I will try as hard as I can to recover. But it will affect you in the meantime. I’m sorry about that—”
“You don’t need to keep apologizing for it. I thought long and hard about it and you, and living with you and bulimia. I’d rather live with all of you, then try to live without you. I don’t need your apologies, since you are who and what you are. I just want to be with you, Ally. Eating disorder included.”
“Even if I’m still this way? Even if I sometimes can’t fully get it under control?”
Nate leaned forward, touching his lips on hers. “No matter how you are.”
“What if I get fat? Even then it’s okay?”
“You willing to love me no matter what too?” He countered. “You seem to assume only you can have problems or weaknesses or change over a lifetime. You have to love me the same way I want to love you.”
Ally nodded, hot tears fi
lling her eyelids. “I can love you like that.”
“Then so can I. That was the entire point of this past week, wasn’t it? Discovering if we like each other enough to continue?”
“And do we?” she asked.
He nodded. “We do.”
“I think I never believed I could be me, imperfections and all, with anybody else. Even my sister and mom expected me to assume some kind of role. Mom needed me to be the stable one. The one she could count on to always be okay. Kylie needed me to help facilitate her own wild life. I was good at both roles, but maybe I internalized some of it too much.”
“You think?” he chuckled softly.
“I do. But you were the first person, Nate that I just let it all out with. I know I didn’t bravely face my problem with you, and obsessively hid it and lied, but now that you know, you are the only one I ever want to live with or allow to witness my future struggles with it. If you want to, that is.”
Nate cupped her face with both his hands. “I want that. I told you, I’m here. I love you. I’m all in. I might have hesitated at first, but I won’t again. Can you believe that?”
She nodded. “I can believe that.”
“I think you… we, actually, should go to UC Davis together. It is your dream, and mine. Why not go for it together? Imagine what we might be able to do together that has been so hard on our own.”
“Because I need you?”
“No, because we need each other. We do better together than alone. I’ll help you, you help me. But mostly because I want to spend the next three years with you, Ally.”
She closed her eyes, got up on her tip toes and touched her lips to his. “I want that too.”
His lips brushed over hers, smiling. “Let’s go celebrate in that bed since we still have it until morning, okay?”
“I think that would be the perfect start.”
“You and that word. Perfect start to what?”
“Forever. Our imperfect forever.”