by Leanne Davis
Chapter Eighteen
TWO MONTHS LATER, AFTER summer quarter, Ally graduated from college, with firm plans in the works to move to Davis, California and start law school in just a few weeks… with Nate. They planned to live in a small apartment together, and pursue their Juris Doctor degrees as full time students. All of which would include her continued efforts for recovery; dealing with her emotional and physical dependence on bulimia, and the coping skills she was learning and employing to replace it.
She celebrated the occasion, after the ceremony, with her whole family at her mom and Donny’s house. Glancing up from greeting her friends and family, Ally was nibbling on the veggies and dip when she saw a man walk in that she hadn’t seen in 3,989 days. She was sure of that because she kept track. From the first day he left them, Ally counted how many days it was since she last saw her father, Micah.
Ally froze, letting the ranch dressing drip off the cherry tomato she held in her fingers, with her mouth half open, still waiting for it. She could not pry her eyes from the man that now stood just inside the front door.
Kylie.
There was no other explanation. Her sister, Kylie, was responsible for this catastrophe.
She popped the tomato into her mouth and started to back up and turn, her entire body flooded by a rush of emotions. Anger. Hatred. Fear. A nearly unrestrainable urge to run overcame her. Her entire body became warm and flustered.
“Hey, hey. What’s going on?” She heard Nate’s voice at the side of her. Ally had no idea where he came from or how he managed to show up so fast. His arm instantly came around her, holding her at the waist, and bringing her closer to him.
“Micah,” she whispered into his ear. Nate leaned back to look into her eyes, and saw the shock widening them.
“What? Your dad, Micah?”
“Yes. Kylie must have done this.” She gnashed her teeth, grinding her molars. “How could she just throw him on me today? It’s my celebration. I finally accomplished this and she invites him?”
Suddenly, more people began to notice him. A weird tension descended over the gathering as many eyes turned towards Micah. He was clutching a wrapped present. Most of the people in attendance had known Ally since she was a young kid; and many knew her even when Micah was still her father. The lively conversations of the party-goers trickled down to nothing and those who didn’t know started to realize something was wrong.
Tracy came up behind her, touching her shoulders with her hands. “Hey, sweetie, I’ll go see what he wants. You can take Nate to your room.” Her mom’s eyes rose to Nate’s and they exchanged a silent interaction about Ally, no doubt. Naturally, they were both worried this could send Ally back into a locked room, gorging on food before spewing it out just as joyfully as most people delight in eating it.
Shaking her head, Ally put a hand on Nate’s arm to keep him still. “No. I’ll stay.”
Tristan and Kylie entered from the other room, nearly rushing in. Kylie stopped dead, her eyes seeking Ally, who shook her head, and her expression was almost panicked. Kylie rushed forward and grabbed Ally’s hands. “I didn’t invite him. I swear to GOD! I wouldn’t do that to you, Ally. I know how badly you hate him. You have to believe me, especially now. Knowing about your recovery, I wouldn’t ambush you like that.”
Ally squeezed her little sister’s hands tighter. “I know, Ky. You’d never do that on purpose. But could you have possibly mentioned it?”
Kylie’s eyes grew larger. “Well… yes, I guess so. We had lunch last week. I mentioned you were graduating after the summer quarter.”
“Does he know about my eating issue?”
“Um…. well, it was kinda overwhelming when it first happened. I might have mentioned it once to him. Ally, I’m sorry. I didn’t dream he’d show up here.”
Tracy, meanwhile, had intercepted Micah. Ally shoved Kylie to the side and nodded towards their parents. Kylie’s attention was ensnared by the scene, and her apology forgotten. Ally’s heart nearly stopped and Kylie’s gaze was riveted as she watched in shock. “Mom and Dad,” she whispered, shaking her head. “Together. I never thought I’d see them together again… Sometimes it’s almost like they were an illusion. Never real. Just a magic act.”
Ally closed her eyes. “No. They were real, Ky. For all his faults, when they were together, they were good parents.”
Kylie’s mouth dropped open. “They were. I mean, I think so. Yes.”
“No. They really were. I remember. That’s why I was so angry for so long. They were great parents. Our childhood was good. We had a decent upbringing.”
Tracy shook Micah’s hand. He muttered something while glancing around. Then, out of nowhere, Donny appeared. Ally’s breath simply stopped. It was like a real life soap opera happening before their eyes.
“Maybe Tristan and I should encourage the party to move outside?” Nate leaned down and whispered into her ear. “Unless you need me?”
The four of them? Their family… the original father? Oh, and Donny. “No, that would be good.”
Nate and Tristan easily herded the guests out onto the patio where many already were, blissfully unaware of the drama occurring in the foyer.
Then it was suddenly quiet. The sliding door closed and the murmur of people’s voices no longer filled the space.
Ally stepped towards her parents and Donny.
“What are you doing here?”
Tracy turned, making room for Ally, and her expression was grim. The worry Tracy felt was etched on her face. “Ally, you can go out with Nate if you prefer. Really, honey.”
Ally shook her head. “No, it’s okay. What are you doing here?” Her question was addressed to Micah.
“Kylie told me you graduated today. I just wanted to give you this.” He held out the package. “I’ll leave now. I thought, maybe, with the crowd and all… I could…”
Ally waited, wanting to scream, What? He could what? Blend in? As if no one would notice the father that abandoned them? “You could…?”
“See you. I guess I just wanted to see you, Ally.”
His voice traveled straight through her, reverberating through her bloodstream, and pounding inside her heart. Her father. Her dad. “You know I’m not Kylie.”
His eyes lifted, just barely. “Yes, I know you’re not. You don’t forgive and forget. Ever. Black-and-white Ally. I expected you’d have me thrown out.”
Nate’s very words, which he so recently spoke to her, were repeated by her father. Yes, he did know her at one time. “And yet you came?”
He shrugged. He had gray hair now and wrinkles lined every millimeter of his face. They were especially thick around his eyes, his forehead and his cheeks. Kylie’s assessment was right, his life did not allow him to age gracefully. “I just wanted to get a glimpse of you; and getting thrown out was a whole lot better than me walking out.”
She didn’t expect his bold statement. Or his honesty. Or the sincerity of his words. She didn’t expect her heart to swell either at the sight of him. Or the sound of his voice… Oh, dear God, he seemed just like the old him. That voice Ally so well remembered when he said funny, dad-like things to her. He was still alive and well. Somehow, Ally had written him off as dead.
“Shitty thing you did.”
“Yes, it was,” he acknowledged with a small tilt of his head. “I’d like to hear what you have to say about it. I mean, not now. Today’s all about you. Celebrating your accomplishment. Congratulations, by the way. But later, in a month, or a season, or a year, or whatever amount of time you need, I’d be willing to answer your questions. It’s not much to offer, I know. But it’s all I have left to give you, Ally. Answers. Closure. Maybe take some of the mystery out of it.”
Ally glanced at her mom, who smiled softly. Her eyes looked misty and she nodded to Ally with a slight tilt of her head. She was giving Ally tacit permission to do what she needed to. What could that be? To physically throw Micah out? And slam the door on him? Or yell and scream? Or run into a room
and comfort herself with food?
Instead, Ally’s head nodded up and down. “Yes. Later. Not today.” She calmly took the present he offered her. He stepped back, clasping his hands. “It’s not much. But it’s from me.”
“You know when you left?”
“Yes?” He cleared his throat, his gaze traveling over the group, landing longest on Kylie. It was almost as if he were taking strength from their new familiarity with each other. Ally knew how much time they spent together. Not huge amounts, just a few lunches and a movie and several dinners. But it managed to ease the effects of his disappearance on Kylie.
Maybe Ally was ready to grab some of that comfort for herself. After working so hard to face her feelings, a lot of them stemmed from and revolved around her dad. Maybe going to the source of her problem was a healthy start.
“You left us in Donny’s care. Right? That was your intent?”
Everyone fidgeted at hearing her question. Even Donny shuffled and turned sharply towards her. Tracy touched his arm.
“Yes, I did,” Micah said softly.
Ally smiled up at Donny, saying, “You did a good job.” Then she added, “And just so we’re clear, Donny is my father. He picked up the slack on the day you left, and didn’t abandon us or shirked from the responsibility of being a father.” Ally smiled, remembering all the arguments, snit fits and temper tantrums over the years. Tears filled her eyes and Donny smiled, his lips trembling, and his eyes full of tenderness towards her. Not to mention, surprise. Her loving words took Donny by total surprise. “He would not abandon me. No matter how complicated his personal life was. He has been there for me every single day since I was eleven and I know he will be there until the day he dies. So you picked the best man for the job. And I might decide to talk to you, and even forgive you, because I would like to ultimately do that, but in the end, nothing can change whom I consider my real father. The only man to walk me down the aisle someday when I get married, and to hold my child as his grandchild, is Donny.”
Donny stepped forward and bear hugged Ally. He kissed her forehead. “You were easy to love and I wanted to make you my daughter. Both you and Kylie were my girls. Best thing I ever did.”
She smiled. “I just wanted that out in the open and clear. You know how black and white I am. You’re my dad forever now.”
Donny let her go. “Forever.” He repeated it as if it were a vow. Unlike Micah, Ally believed Donny really meant it.
“I just don’t want you to be hurt if Micah…”
Donny shook his head. “Anything that makes life better for you two girls makes mine better. I accepted Tristan, didn’t I? And now Nate? And don’t think I don’t know you and Nate pretty much live together, and I let that go on. There is plenty of room in our lives, both in mine and yours, if someone loves you correctly.”
Ally sucked in a breath. “Thank you.”
Micah stuck his hand out. “Thank you, Donny.”
Donny stared at his hand but finally shook it.
Ally had no idea what the decision could mean to her life. But a burden suddenly disappeared from her mind, like a too tight hair band. Potential forgiveness was a gift to herself, not for the other person. Not that she’d yet forgiven Micah, but maybe… maybe with enough time and work, she could get there.
And then Micah smiled, held her gaze for a moment, and with a small nod, turned and grabbed at the door handle.
No!… No!… Ally’s heart nearly lifted out of her chest. The panic was that quick and real. After all these days, thousands to be exact and all the pain and aching and questions… her dad was right in front of her and now he was going to leave? Just like that? In a few minutes their confrontation was over, after waiting a decade to have it? Now he’s here, after a whole decade, and poof! in ten minutes, he’s gone again? It seemed so wrong. Micah was at the door, but suddenly, Ally stepped forward. Almost panicked, Ally touched Micah’s shoulder to grab his attention, but quickly withdrew it almost as if she were shocked by static electricity. And it was that startling and that astonishing for Ally to be touching her dad. Her father.
“There’s still cake to serve. You could… stay for a piece of it, if you wanted to…” What the hell should she call him? It felt odd and all wrong to call him Micah to his face. It went against everything he ingrained in her for a decade. Respect played a big part in his parenting. Ally only called him Dad or Daddy… not even Father… but never Micah. Now? What should she say to him?
Micah froze. Something stirred in Ally’s heart when he turned back, and with tears in his gnarled, hardened eyes, he shook his head and replied, “I’d be very honored to stay for cake at your college graduation… Ally.”
Her name. He said her name the way he used to. He always used to elongate the A so it sounded like A-A-lly. Almost in a singsong way. Ally looked down as hot tears filled her eyes. “You remembered.”
“Everything,” he said softly, almost under his breath. “I remember everything.”
Ally suddenly stepped forward and flung her arms around his neck, shocked by her own action and tears. She was even more so when her dad’s arms circled around her and held her against his chest. He patted her back and softly shushed her. “I thought you forgot us all,” she whispered.
He patted her back more, and soothed her by mumbling little things he remembered about her and repeating them to her all over again. There were little stories and inside jokes that only she and he shared. There was so much history that only they shared. Or she and Kylie shared with him. It was odd to hear his voice again. It felt like Ally had stepped back in time a decade and she was home again.
Maybe everything had been about searching to get right back to this place somehow. She let out a staggered breath. It could be. It all could have been about Micah and her loss of him. The betrayal caused an anger she couldn’t allow to reside in her so she strove to be perfect and that need led to her odd eating and from there it all mushroomed.
Ally fully had the right to be angry and furious at Micah. She would put him through the paces of begging for her forgiveness. Her self-respect demanded it, and hell, he deserved to listen to her ranting for hours on end about what his absence did to all of them… But now? Face to face with her dad, Ally was overwhelmed by nostalgia and the fond memories of her childhood. She could not forget all the love and awe and oneness she once shared with this man and learned to count on and even bask in. Ally had adored being Micah’s daughter.
Maybe that’s why she avoided seeing him again. On some level, she knew all the shit she spouted would end up just being that: useless crap stuck on the bottom of her shoe. Once in Micah’s presence she wanted to fall apart in his arms, and maybe even beg him to remember loving her. Finally, she wiped her eyes and cushioned herself with some space. “I still hate you and I intend to meticulously categorize every single thing you did to me or that happened as a direct or indirect result of your leaving. You will listen to it all. Every ugly detail. I remember all the details and a whole lot more.”
He squeezed her hand. “I’ll listen to everything.”
“I don’t trust you.”
“I’ll try to earn it.”
Ally didn’t believe him. But for the first time, the chance that he could change her mind became a possibility.
Micah walked in behind Ally and Tracy. The party continued and everyone went right back to it. Ally opened all of her presents, smiled for pictures, and handed Micah a piece of cake. Nate came over and met him but he kept checking on Ally.
Kylie clutched her hand. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not. I needed to realize how much I still loved him. All my anger was only a mask for the pain of rejection and the love I still have for him.”
“I never dreamed it could end up with him over there, eating cake with Mom, and talking to Aunt Gretchen.”
“I know. Life is so crazy and so beautiful and so damn imperfect. Think how much time I wasted striving for perfection when it doesn’t even exist in nature. Even if it
did, I don’t want it now.”
Kylie hugged her. “Congrats, sis. I’m so proud of you.”
“When are you guys leaving?” Tristan and Kylie had mentioned they were taking off for a few weeks. They planned to look for Tristan’s long lost sister. A private investigator was hired by Tristan and he called to say he had a lead on her.
“Tomorrow.”
“Call first, okay? I still need to talk.”
“Every day. We take care of each other now.”
“That’s actually kind of perfect.”
Kylie rolled her eyes and she and Ally wandered apart as the party started to die down. Most of Ally’s friends went home, along with the families of family friends until it was just her family left. Her mom and Donny tried to clean up some of the mess, but Donny started flicking her mom with water from the spray nozzle. Tracy shrieked and snapped a dishtowel at him, cursing him when she missed. Ally knew Donny only did that to ease her mom’s distress over Micah’s uninvited appearance and her concern over how it affected Kylie and Ally. Ally appreciated that about Donny; he could always make Tracy smile. Micah sat quietly in the corner, strangely listening to Ally’s grandparents. When he caught Ally’s eye, he smiled.
Her aunt Gretchen and Tony were talking to each other while Olivia, a late arrival, was nearly attached to Kylie’s hip. They caught up and peals of laughter kept erupting from the two of them. The excitement was in the air. Olivia was coming back to Peterson and starting school this fall; and she and Kylie and Tristan planned to share an apartment. The rightness of it smacked Ally squarely in the chest. She was so glad to hear Kylie still pursued her college experience and wanted to stay with Tristan. Seeing them back together warmed Ally’s heart as the entire day seemed to be doing.
Vickie was smiling, happily wrapped around Dane, who rolled his eyes at something she said, but his arms stayed wrapped tightly around her.
Donny’s parents came over and began talking to Micah.
Julia sat with Nate, who listened to her as if she were the only person alive. Ally smiled internally at the tenderness and kindness Nate demonstrated to his little stepsister… and hers. Why not? Why couldn’t they share a stepsister? She almost giggled out loud, in this family, it was a pretty mild transgression. Still, her heart felt so full, it was heavy in her chest. They were all part of her life. All of her loved ones formed her, lifted her up, tore her apart, loved her, betrayed her, showed her grace, as well as forgiveness… and taught her about life in all its forms and special effects.