“I know everything.”
My head shook. “It hurts, but I just have to keep reminding myself it’s not him.”
Ethan’s callused fingers traced circles over my back as his chest rose and fell heavily against mine. “Stay away from him. He’s going to kill you slowly, and I’m tired of cleaning up his mess.”
“I’ll stay away from him, but I’ll never stop loving him.”
“How do you know this?”
“Because love is constant. When you love someone, you can be angry with them, you can hate them, you can be upset or disappointed in them, but you never stop loving them because love endures all other emotions.”
“Yeah? And where did you learn this from?”
“Ollie.”
Ethan drew in a deep breath, and that was the last sound between us the remainder of the night. With his stubble pressed against my forehead, he rubbed my back until I fell back asleep.
Chapter Six
“I’m stuck between I’ll never be enough
and no one else will ever love you more.”
—Oliver Masters
ollie.
“OLIVER MASTERS, YOU’RE BACK,” Arty declared as soon as I took a seat on my usual chair during group therapy. My attention automatically sailed to Mia across from me. A constant reminder I was absolute rubbish. I tried talking to her all weekend, but she was smart and stayed away.
Maddie took a seat beside me. I rolled my head back and crossed my ankle over my knee. “Yeah, glad you’re back, Ollie.” Her filthy hand landed on my thigh, and I dusted it off with a bad taste in my mouth. Another reminder of the piece of shit I was.
Turning my head toward Jake beside me, I nudged him with my elbow. “I’m sorry, mate. I shouldn’t have said those things Friday.”
Jake pursed his lips and crossed his arms.
The silent treatment? Real mature, Jake.
Arty cleared his throat. “Let’s get caught up on everyone’s summer. I went back home to Egypt to spend the holiday with family, which can be demanding,” he chuckled, “I couldn’t wait to come back. How about you, Maddie. How was your summer here on campus?”
“B-O-R-I-N-G,” Maddie spelled out.
Mia laughed. “And here I thought she couldn’t spell.”
I stifled my laugh with the tips of my fingers and adjusted in my seat, stealing a look at my girl across the room. Mia smiled, but her eyes remained locked on Maddie. Even her fake smile was no longer intended for me.
“Oliver,” Arty re-directed, “Your summer?”
With eyes fixed on Mia, I responded, “Locked in a cell. Nothing to it.”
“Well glad to see you made it out in one piece.”
Arty continued to ask around the smaller group as my eyes feasted on Mia, waiting for her to see me. For a little trace or indication she still held on to us. Her finger twirled around a strand of hair as she bit her lip, and I could hardly sit still. My knee picked up the bloody bouncing, and all I needed was to feel myself inside her again. It was selfish, what I’d done and what I knew I’d continue to do.
As soon as I allowed Maddie to kiss me in the woods, I’d wanted to drive my head through a tree. My heart demanded I run after her as soon as she took off. But my brain laughed at the incident like I told a ridiculous joke. If I ran after her, I would have made things worse for myself, digging an even deeper grave.
Each time my mouth opened, it said things I didn’t mean.
Each time I moved, it contradicted everything my heart screamed.
I had no control.
“How’s your support group, Mia?” Arty asked, and even her name coming from someone else’s mouth sounded like poetry.
Her pretty lips moved as her voice flooded my ears. “Good, and I’d like to take this time to invite anyone to come talk to me afterward if they are interested in attending. The group is closed and anonymous.”
“Oh, for girls who are sexually abused?” Maddie huffed, “You mean for little bitches who can’t take it—
Arty quickly silenced her. Mia paid her no attention.
She was clothed in strength, but it no longer was because of me.
I wondered if this redheaded bloke had something to do with it.
Once I approached our wing, my sights landed on Maddie’s tall and skinny figure as she walked out of Mia’s room. “Whoa, what do you think you’re doing?”
“Looking for you,” she said with a wicked smile and met me halfway in the empty hallway. Everyone must be in their rooms or gathered in the mess hall waiting for dinner.
“That’s not my room anymore, and why are you looking for me?”
Maddie’s lashes fluttered over her dark brown eyes under her bangs. She had similar features to Mia, and it wasn’t until I met Mia when I understood how my heart could have been confused. The eyes were almost the same, though Mia’s were a golden-brown when we were together. Maddie stood a few inches taller, with hair a tad lighter. My body reacted to the familiarity of what it thought it wanted, but it knew for certain when Mia came around.
“We’re always around people, we haven’t had a chance to talk,” she said through a small smile. Her hand reached out, and I took a step back.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“I knew you would come back around, no? I just needed to get ya back on the meds.”
“You’ve gone mad.” I took a step away from her, but she blocked me.
“You and me, it’s going to happen. It’s only a matter of time. You’ll fall right back into becoming the man whore again. I know everything. You think she’ll stay with you after seeing that side?” My hand found her throat, and before I knew it, she was against the cement wall. Maddie’s eyes mocked me, not one ounce of fear clouding her face. Her hand slipped over my dick, and she sucked in her lips. “There he is. There’s the Ollie I remember.”
“Stop,” I warned through a clenched jaw.
Maddie laughed, and I tightened my grip while she tightened hers. Both of us daring the other to pull away first. Her fingers rubbed over my swelling cock before I snatched her wrist and slammed it against the cement.
“Funny thing is…” her voice cracked against my hold, “Ya into it, Ollie. You’re just like your brother.”
My hand released from her throat, and I backed away, shaking my head. “I’m nothing like my brother.
The taunts followed me back to my room before I slammed the door in her face. Maddie grew too close to Oscar and knew too much. The scary thing was, she was right. The summer on the pills over a year ago drove my dick into almost every girl as if it were looking for something.
It was Mia all along.
And perhaps I should keep Mia away, but nothing would let me.
She was my life source, and though I was confused by a lot, I was certain of one thing: I needed her. Like breathing, I fucking needed her.
Strolling into dinner late, I hung back and stood beside Ethan under the archway.
“Masters,” he said casually, keeping his eyes in front of him—keeping his eyes on Mia. “I told you last week. I’m not getting in the middle of whatever tosh you’re involved with.”
“You’re already in the middle of it.” I already knew. Hell, I knew. I saw the way Mia looked at him, and it was the same way she used to look at me. “I’m not all together, I know, and I appreciate you being everything I can’t right now,” Ethan shifted in place and crossed his arms over his chest as I continued, “but I’m not an idiot either. No matter how bad you wish it could be you, it will never be. It will always be me.”
Ethan tore his eyes away from Mia to me. We stood there, same height, same agenda, different hearts when he finally spoke up. “You think you can fuck up and expect her to be unchanged by it?” Ethan averted his gaze back to Mia. Both of us watching her smile and sign words to Zeke. “Loo
k at her, Masters. She’s not the same person you left seven months ago. She’s already learned how to live without you.”
Ethan dug his hand into his pocket and smacked the contents against my chest. “Don’t ask me for any more favors.”
I took the pack of gum from him without looking, counting on it being my flavor. A tenner for a pack of gum seemed ridiculous, but I needed it. Others gave into other addictions like caffeine, nicotine, or pills. My only addiction to calm my nerves was to occupy my grinding jaw with gum, which cost me more now that Oscar was gone.
The new bloke, Jude, walked in late, eyeing our exchange before I stuffed the gum into my pocket. I looked back, noticing he came from my wing. “Fucker came from the wrong direction.”
“He has a habit of getting lost,” Ethan mumbled with his hands back on his belt like it was no big deal.
Running my twitching fingers through my hair, I caught up to Jude at the buffet line. “Where are you coming from, mate?”
If there was one thing Oscar had taught me, it was not to trust anyone, not even him. The problem was, I trusted everyone my whole life, but not on these pills. While medicated, I walked on eggshells and paranoia. And the eggshells and paranoia enabled a spidey-sense telling me Jude was up to no good. There should have been zero reasons for him to be walking through the third and fourth wing. He should have entered through the opposite walkway, not mine. Not Mia’s.
Jude turned around, his greasy black hair slicked behind his ears and faint-blue eyes wide. “What’s it to you?”
Jude instantly went on the defense and throwing accusations wouldn’t get me anywhere. He grabbed a tray, and I followed his lead. “If you need another tour of campus, let me know.”
Initially, I planned on eating alone, but I needed to keep an eye on him. Be-friend him. Get to know him, and find out why he was here.
I pulled out the chair beside Maddie and stretched my legs as Jude sat across from me. Maddie’s fingers found my thigh, but my eyes found Mia. Her golden-brown chestnuts glowed against the dying sun beside the window. For four seconds, she gave me the look I so desperately needed. The same one reminding me all was going to be okay between us, at least until her eyes fell underneath the table at Maddie’s hand on my dick.
Shit. “Fuck, Maddie,” I spat out, pushing her hand away, “Keep your hands to yourself, yeah?” My gaze returned to Mia’s, but she’d already turned away.
Maddie giggled and pressed her breasts against my arm as she leaned into my ear. “It’s only a matter of time,” she whispered.
I threw my fork against the tray as her brazen hand returned to my disobedient cock. Despite my agitation and sole purpose of sitting with them in the first place, my growing knob wasn’t agreeing.
It was the medication, and Dr. Butala had me on some magic pill, giving my dick permission for instant arousal by a single touch, not helping win Mia back. Like an annoying fly, I pushed Maddie away—again. “A tad late for dinner, mate. You almost missed the buffet,” I said to Jude.
Jude’s eyes darted over to Mia’s table before meeting my gaze. I picked up my fork, ready to get the bangers and mash in my mouth before I ground my jaw down to the bone.
“I could say the same for you,” he smirked and ripped off the end of the sausage between his teeth.
Dammit, he was right. “Touché.”
A silence played out between us as Mia’s contagious laugh traveled throughout the room. It had been a while since I heard that laugh. My eyes slid to that laugh. My entire being grew envious of whoever caused it.
“So, fucking annoying,” Maddie deadpanned.
I pointed my fork at her. “Watch it.”
“I don’t understand you, Ollie,” Gwen piped up. “All last year, you denied the relationship. But every time someone comments on the bird, you get all narky, protecting her as if she means something to you. So, which is it?”
“It’s none of your goddamn business.” Falling back in the chair, I stole another glance at my girl. Mia had that smile that caused her eyes to disappear along with her top lip, taking up her whole face. She never hid her smile, only leaned forward into it as another giggle escaped. Though I was over here, screwed up in disarray, her smile proved everything Ethan said was correct.
She learned to live without me.
And she was doing just fine.
Mia was on top, out of the hole in which I dug her out of. I lifted her arse up there, and she promised me she wouldn’t forget about me, said she’d always take me with her. Her independence should have angered me. Instead, seeing Mia happy brought me peace.
Her smile washed over me like the bloody plague, and I brought my fingertips to my mouth to hide my pleasure. I didn’t deserve it, not yet, but her warmness still engulfed me like a blissful disease—a disease I could die happily from.
All week I’d kept my distance from Mia and the damage I’d done.
Like every other Saturday over the year, I’d escaped to the library in hopes of seeing her. I wanted to get her alone, to talk to her. To apologize. To explain myself. But she wasn’t there.
Of course, she wasn’t going to be there. She was avoiding me.
My emotions were back and forth, sparring invisible battles. One minute I was angry, wanting to prove I didn’t need Mia in my life like she didn’t need me. The next I was kicking myself. Friday, a wanker. Saturday? A bloody mess. My medication was back in full force, but this time was different. This time, my body didn’t submit to the side effects like the pills wanted because my body didn’t belong to the side effects. My body belonged to her.
Dr. Butala sat across from me in his barren office during our two-week check-up. “Mood swings?”
“Understatement.”
“What else, Oliver?”
“I’m so angry, I fear I may lose it at any moment.” My fingers ran through my hair as I adjusted in the small chair. “And I’m horny,” I said with my hands in the air, “Why am I so horny all the time? It’s dangerous, Butala.” If I didn’t get my dick into something soon, I’d detonate.
Butala moved his glasses up the bridge of his freckled nose and brought his pen back to the notepad. “You’re on four different medications right now, one in which is supposed to stabilize your mood swings, not instigate them.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m adding to your medication.”
“Will it help with my constant hard-on?”
“What makes you angry, could neutralize someone else completely. What makes you aroused could cause another unable to perform. Medication reacts differently to each person,” Butala sighed and returned his black beady eyes to me, “It’s trial and error, Oliver.”
I slapped both hands over my thighs and looked up to the ceiling. “I don’t like what I’m hearing. Why not just put me on the same regiment you had me on last year, yeah?”
“We did. It’s not taking.”
I leaned forward and slapped a hand over his desk. “Either make me feel nothing or everything!”
“I’m doing my best,” Butala returned his hands to his keyboard in front of his computer, “This new treatment plan can take anywhere from two to four weeks, so don’t expect immediate results. I’m sending your new prescription to the nurse’s station. You’ll start classes on Monday. If you notice any significant changes, let me know.”
With a single head nod, I stood and walked out without answers or solutions. Chances were, I’d have classes with Mia starting Monday. Ready or not, I would be forced to face her.
I didn’t have two to four weeks to right myself.
I needed to make things right with Mia this weekend.
Chapter Seven
“The cruel irony is
you are my forever
but not my right now.”
—Oliver Masters
mia.
S
ATURDAY MORNING, I WOKE up with Ethan gone, and a note slid under my door. The torn, yellowed book page had been folded and re-folded numerous times, having dozens of creases. Despite my brain, my heart opened it. “We need to talk. Like old times, you know where to find me, -Ollie.” Even his handwriting was familiar across the blank space of the page. I drew in a shaky breath, knowing what I should do, and what I was going to end up doing.
Knowing damn well I was walking through doors of disappointment, the small ounce of hope simmering inside my heart convinced the rest of my doubt to quiet down. Without looking like I tried or put too much thought into it, I showed up in sweat pants, T-shirt, and my hair a mess on top of my head. Dean Lynch had asked for my clothing sizes after the gruesome prank and gifted me the basics. I never needed much.
As soon as the library doors closed behind me, the familiar maze brought back a wave of emotions. I hadn’t been back here in months, only to retrieve the book to learn sign language. Since then, I couldn’t bring myself to walk through that door. The library was suffocating, each step back to our spot, shelves closed in on me. I picked up my pace, keeping my eyes fixed ahead.
Ollie sat on the floor in his corner, and he lifted his head as soon as I entered our nook. We looked like twins in matching gray sweats and white tees. His brown hair poked out from under the infamous beanie he always wore whenever his life was in ruins. He never hid his mood; even his eyes screamed, “I’m a fucking train wreck.”
He tilted his head, and I thought I saw the man I loved in those green eyes, but these days I could never be sure. I needed to know if it was him. My sights set on his face, appreciating the prominent wave of his lips, and the small freckle that usually disappeared in the curve of his smile. He wasn’t smiling now, but his face still managed to blow me away to places we both should have stayed.
He looked away, feeling insecure as I stood there in the heartbeats of silence. His cutting jawline flexed against the words we both wanted to say, but still trying to figure out how. The words of affirmation ran through my head as I moved closer, but he beat me to the punch.
Even When I'm Gone (Stay With Me series Book 2) Page 7