“It didn’t always look like this,” he hardly whispered, but I heard every word.
I paused and crossed my arms, leaning into my hip as I waited for him to continue. Standing firm, but inside, all I wanted was just another second in his touch.
Ollie rose to his feet and dusted off his hands. “I never told you this before, but it took me two weeks to color coordinate these books. The first time I saw you reading in the mess hall, every spare second I had was in here, creating this space for you, trying to impress you.” He chuckled nervously and ran his fingers along the spines of the books. The same fingers that used to run down my spine. “This space was never mine, Mia. I mean, yeah, I found it. I was here first. This used to be my safe haven. But I created this space for you to run away to, to feel safe because that’s what you are to me. You’re my safe place.” He dropped his hand and looked back over at me. The lump in his throat moved as he swallowed. “To find out you never liked to read, I was the bloody fool all along.”
I shifted on my foot, digging my nails into my flesh to ease the temptation to reach out and touch him. “Why am I here, Ollie?”
“You tell me.”
“I can’t help it.”
“I can’t either,” he said, taking steps toward me. “I don’t know what’s happening to me. When I was gone and without you, I caved to the pills because the distance killed me. You have no idea what a mess I was off it. How I left things … I went mad in jail. Giving in was easier because I knew I couldn’t be with you. Now that I’m back, every part of me is fighting against it. I’m so back and forth. I’m going crazy.” He stood over me, us barely touching. I had to lift my chin to meet his gaze. “Does that make any sense?”
“You pushed me, Ollie … Right into Officer Scott.”
“I know”—his hands tugged nervously on his shirt— “I was angry you denied me. I thought you gave up on us, and I took it out on you.”
“You kissed Maddie, right in front of me,” I choked out, averting my eyes so he didn’t catch the pain lingering inside them. The image was on constant replay.
“God, I’m sorry,” his hand touched my cheek, bringing my eyes back to him, “I can’t believe I did that. Even while I was kissing her, my stomach was sick about it. But it wasn’t me, Mia, you have to know that. I’m not myself.”
His single, warming touch still managed to disentangle my tension. My shoulders dropped as I watched his gum peek from his parted lips. We stood so close, and I closed my eyes to breathe in his minted breath. When I opened them again, emerald, adoring eyes greeted me. “What do you want from me, Ollie?”
With his hands steadying himself over my shoulders, he briefly looked to the ceiling as if the words were written across the tiles. He always knew the right things to say, and when to say nothing at all. Yes, he silenced the world with his voice, but he was able to stop time with his silence, and every part of me hung on like a last breath.
When his head dropped back down to face me, tears pooled in the corners of his eyes, and that’s when I knew for sure it was Ollie standing before me. “I want you to love me anyway,” a single, lost tear trickled down his cheek, “Give me a year to get better, and I’ll give you a lifetime.”
My brows snapped together as my head dipped back out of his grasp. He couldn’t be serious. “A year? You want me to put up with that for a year?”
“Mia, I’m going crazy. I can’t lose you through this, but I can’t control myself either. It’s going to get worse, but I promise just one year. Give me a year. After Dolor, I’ll get off the pills, and we never have to look back,” Ollie’s words scrambled everywhere nothing like the slow and controlled tone I just had, already losing him. The struggle was evident in his eyes as they scanned my face, reading my reaction.
The only way I could get through the next year was not to watch him self-destruct. Knowing what we needed to do, a new level of ache flowed through my veins before attacking all vital organs. It already hurt merely thinking about it, and I knew the next words I was about to say would only double this pain inside me. But they were words that needed to be said to protect what we had. “I’ll give you a year, but in the meantime, we can’t talk—
“No,” Ollie immediately stated, shaking his head.
“You keep your distance and stay away from me.”
“No, you can’t do this…” both his hands gripped his beanie as he paced back and forth.
“I can’t see you like this. You can’t show up in my room. You can’t sit with me in the mess hall. You can’t mess with my head. You stay away for a year, and when we leave, I’ll give you my life. But don’t drag me down before then, Ollie. You may be able to climb your way out, but it took me eleven years to get here.”
Ollie rushed in front of me. “Because of me!” he painfully said with a shaken finger pointed at his chest. “You beat me up for six months, and I accepted you at your absolute worst because I fucking love you, yet you won’t do the same for me?”
Of course, I would do the same for him, I’d do anything for him. But I couldn’t say that. If I agreed to sit back and allow him to treat me this way, for him to plant more images inside my head, ones I could never shake away, like kissing girls, pushing and pulling me in all directions, making snide comments, or worse … I didn’t know if I could ever recover from it. In the end, he would expect forgiveness while I withered away in his aftermath.
“That’s not fair. I wasn’t on meds messing with my head. You are.”
“Let me get this straight. So, you’re up here,” Ollie said with a finger pointing up in the air, “and you forgot to take me with you,” another tear fell down his face as his chin trembled, “You lost your bloody grip on me.”
“I never lost my grip. You slipped!” It was my turn to cry, but my tears didn’t come out as easily as the guy standing before me. Mine struggled, each one a painful remainder of the words he left me with seven months ago. “No matter what, as long as you stay away from me until we leave here, I’ll still belong to you.”
“This is ridiculous,” Ollie wiped his face into his sleeve and drew in a deep breath, “I can’t stay away from you.”
“It’s the only way this will work. What you did in the hallway broke me. Seeing you kiss Maddie killed me even more. I can’t sit back and watch. There will be nothing left of me after the year is done. It’s the only way, Ollie. You have to stay away from me.”
Ollie’s face twisted, unable to comprehend what I’d said. His green eyes strayed from mine as if looking at me was too painful and ran a palm down his face, turning his back to me. “Dammit, Mia,” he managed to get out through each struggling breath. His palms hit the bookshelf as he leaned over and hung his head. “Are you so goddamn selfish, you don’t care what you’re doing to me right now?”
My head shook as I took a step back.
“What are you waiting for?” Ollie’s palms hit the bookshelf before he straightened his posture. He spun around to face me and slapped himself in the chest. “Go on and finish me off!”
Tears streamed down my face. “What do you mean?”
“You just broke my fucking heart, and yet you’re still standing there. The least you can do is grant me the favor of finishing me off by walking away because you know I can’t so much as breathe without you. So, fucking leave!” He pointed toward the exit fixing bloodshot, challenging eyes on me. “Go!”
Everything inside me wanted to comfort him, but it would only undo the purpose of this. The only reason I’d pushed him away was because I was weak and scared. For over eleven years, I was dead. If his destruction brought me back to that place, I didn’t know if either one of us could survive this year. In the process of protecting myself, I risked the chance of losing him. Knowing losing him was a possibility already had regret coursing through me.
I turned and ran through the maze back toward the entrance of the library on legs I co
uld no longer feel beneath me.
Ollie’s words from last year circled in my brain, “as long as I don’t stray too long or far, I always find my way back.” At the time, he had been talking about getting lost in the library, but I silently prayed the same would go for me.
Though after the pain I just caused him, I wasn’t so sure I deserved his love at all.
Before I reached the door, a hand gripped my wrist and spun me around.
“Right now,” Ollie breathlessly said, pulling me away from the door. “I’ll stay away for a year, but I want you right now.” His unforgiving hands grabbed my face, and his thumbs swept the tears staining my cheeks before he crashed his lips to mine.
ollie.
MIA WANTED A YEAR without me, but I was taking right now with her. A slow-burning rage filled me, and I needed to fill her to release it. Be inside her. Smother this anger with our connection. Subtle moans came from her throat, and I relished in it. Though we always fought for control, right now was my time, and she eventually surrendered to me, knowing it was what I needed.
I grabbed her plump, pouty lip between my teeth as I walked her backward into the desk. In one quick and precise swipe, I cleared the desk clean of all clutter—even the monitor fell over, but neither one of us cared as I lifted her eagerly off the floor and over the edge of the aged wood.
Mia’s hands pulled off my beanie, and her nails dragged up my scalp, only stimulating my need for her, kissing her harder in a silent cry for connection. She let me undress her. Perfect, round breast bounced free. I reluctantly pulled away from our kiss to see her as my heart hammered inside its cage.
Unclothed and perfect, she sat before thousands of books we’ve run past, and I etched every detail of hers into my brain. Her hair, twisted with dark and light shades, fanned around her oval face. Ivory skin glowed against the colorful bindings, and big, golden-brown eyes lit up as she looked at me as if I was the only man worthy of this moment with her.
She leaned back on her hands while we both panted in unison from our taunting separation. My sight touched every inch of her skin, her desperate eyes watching me do it. “Why are you looking at me like that?” Mia asked. She tilted her head to the side with a small curve of her lips beside her tear-stained cheeks.
“It’s been eight months, love, and you expect me to stay away for another ten. I need to hold on to right now for as long as possible.” I slowly withdrew my shoes, jeans, and boxers as if we had no other place to be.
“And how do you suppose you’re going to do that?”
After spreading her legs apart, mine buckled and, like a feind, I was back on my knees. “We’re taking our fucking time.” My eyes drifted up her curves and back to hers. “I’m not going to make you remember me, Mia. I’m going to make it where you can’t remember anything else.”
Mia’s small smile was enough to engulf me in a windstorm of feelings, bringing me back to where we were before.
Before our time apart.
Before the pills.
Before I turned into the colossal mind-fuck of a man.
A time where we existed.
My devotion and bond to this girl was unbreakable, and my kiss against her abdomen was a silent promise that I would violate every rule she placed against me. There was no way I could go another year. Our love was our breach, and it would go against every force of science because no pill could keep me away. I refused to allow it.
Gripping the insides of her thighs, I spread her wider as my knob pulsed below, blood rushing to every surface at the close proximity, though my desire to taste her was stronger. She was already wet for me, glistening as she pooled at the base, and so that spot was where I started. Treading my tongue up through her folds, I kept my eyes on her and waited for that small reaction I’d been dying to see.
Her eyes closed.
Her head fell back.
And her hips rolled into my mouth for more.
And I fucking took it.
Both of my thumbs spread her apart before I drank her in.
The sweet taste of Mia Rose revived me in more ways than one.
My tongue knew every detail, design, and feature and what made her break away against me. In no time, I had her legs shaking as I opened her up and inhaled her slowly. Her fingers gripped my hair, begging to be filled, but I could never get enough of her taste. Her legs clenched around me, and I lifted her off the desk, guiding her to the floor until she was sprawled out for me. Like an obsessed addict, I drove my tongue inside her to appease my appetite for her flavor—of Mia.
Her walls convulsed against my tongue as her heartbeat dropped to her core.
Kneeling between her legs, emotions built up inside of me, ready to break chains and move mountains. Holding back became an impossible task, and I admit, I was defeated.
“Ollie…” she moaned in a desperate plea, and it was all the motivation I needed to merge with her. I fell over her trembling body as her walls tightened, and wrapped around my aching dick—beating along to the rhythm of the orgasm I just gave to her. My fingers dug into her thighs to stop her movements. Otherwise, I would’ve busted inside her right then and there.
Tongues collided.
Her tiny fingers eagerly gripped my hair.
My hand grabbed her backside, and I lifted her as I eased into her again and again and again, feeling every heavenly detail as she reeled in the climax against my knob. “Fucking perfection,” I breathlessly panted in her ear.
“What is?”
“Us.”
Her golden eyes captured mine. “I love you, Ollie.”
Grasping my heart.
Breaking those chains.
Pushing those mountains.
“And I’m going to love you through this—
My mouth silenced hers because my heart couldn’t bear it, and I made love to her right there on the library floor. The only way I was able to get through the next half hour without coming was because of the fear of our disconnection. I held on by a single thread, making sure my hands and mouth kissed every inch of her skin. Together, we bled into one as I emptied myself inside the girl who was my forever, but not my right now.
Because my “right now” had expired.
I pressed my face into her neck and cried.
Like a fucking pussy, I cried.
Still deep inside her with her arms wrapped around me, I shook in her grasp.
“You just have to hold on,” she choked out.
Chapter Eight
“For a love everlasting,
make her roses out of paper.
For a love as poetic,
make her roses out of literature.
And if you’re lucky enough to find both,
remind her every damn day.”
—Oliver Masters
mia.
THE SEPTEMBER TEMPERATURES cooled the building as Jake and I walked through the hallway after class and back to our wing. Walking side by side, he rambled on about Brian breaking it off with him earlier in the summer, but my mind was on a different guy I hadn’t spoken to in weeks.
So far, Ollie kept his promise. He hadn’t shown up to my room or confronted me when our paths crossed. He had kept his distance, which only killed me even more. We say things we know are for the best, but our hearts hold on to the tiny hope that we could be wrong, and I’d hoped this time Ollie wouldn’t have listened.
“I’m ready to spread my wings.” Jake stretched an arm out to the side.
“You’re wings or your wiener?”
“You pervert!” he laughed and bumped my shoulder with his. “Do you know how hard it was to find a good source of protein on a mission trip? I couldn’t wait to come back here.”
“What’s here?” Having Jake back made this situation with Ollie a little easier. I didn’t bother telling Jake what happened between Ollie
and I, but Jake was the perfect distraction.
“So, you promise you won’t say anything?” Jake asked as we approached the stairs.
My eyes bugged out when I noticed both his tone and posture changed. “Oh, dear god, this has to be good.”
Jake gripped my arm and pulled me against the wall out of ear-shot of any unwelcomed bystanders. “Promise me, Mia. You can’t tell a soul.” His lips disappeared while his eyes waited in eagerness.
“Fine, fine. I promise…”
He leaned into my ear. “Liam.”
My eyes grew wider and my jaw dropped. “No way.”
“Yes.”
“No … ”
“Yes!”
“Ew, Jake,” I shoved him in the shoulder, “I’ve been with him!”
Jake’s head jerked in all directions while hushing me. “I know!”
“He’s a grunter!” I whisper-shouted.
“I know, I fucking love it!”
“Oh-my-god, I don’t want to hear about it. Now I want to stick a pressure washer inside me.”
Jake giggled, and we returned to our pace, descending the stairs. “You can’t tell anyone. He hasn’t come out yet, and I don’t want to lose him.”
“I get it. My lips are sealed.”
Our feet touched the second floor, and we walked through the main corridor back to our wing when my gaze landed on Ollie walking toward us in the opposite direction.
And just like that, the smile on my face faded. Ollie’s presence was a daily reminder that I’m without him. Words swirled on the tip of my tongue, all the things I wished I had the nerve to say: I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry. I wish I was as strong as you. I don’t deserve you. I wish I wasn’t so selfish. Be patient with me, I’m still learning these things …
I tried to force my eyes to the ground, instead they stayed glued to his. Soft green eyes held onto mine as he ran a hand through his backward wave, taking longer strides toward me, ripping my heart to shreds.
Even When I'm Gone (Stay With Me series Book 2) Page 8