Gazelle

by Bello, Gloria

  “Your dress is beautiful!” Sharleensays to his mother. Patricia smiles at the lovely creature, dressed in red-orange heels and a stunning teal gown that outshines everyone at the party. “Thank you, dear. Your dress is magnificent. Julian said you were beautiful. I don’t think he did you justice, honestly. You’re an angel.”

  “Thank you,” Sharleenfeigns, “I do what I can to keep up with him. It’s hard work, I’ll tell you. He’s one of the most handsome men I’ve ever known.”

  “Yes, he is,” his mothersays, smiling at her son. “He looks very much like his father.”

  Julian smilesand sips his drink. He spots Nathan moving into the kitchen and decides to escape with him. “Excuse me, ladies.”

  Nathan hovers over a tray of hour dourves, scrolling through his phone. His long, brown hair is slicked back, his fitted suit still somewhat loose on him. He looks much younger than his mid 40’s, despite the graying hair around his temple and in his scruff of a beard. His hawk-like eyes move up and over Julian and he smiles a genuine, modest smile without relinquishing any of the obvious command in his presence. “Hey, man. Escaping, too?”

  “Yeah,” Julian sighs. “This is like, one of my anxiety nightmares coming true. What’s going to happen next? My teeth fall out and I lose my pants?”

  “The night’s still young,” Nathan says. “Who knows.”

  “Thanks for coming. I know you’re not a big fan of shit like this.”

  “It’s cool, man. It gives me another perspective of you.”

  “Good or bad.”

  “Much worse than I imagine. You’re a time bomb.”

  “Really? Seriously?”

  “Fuck yeah. It’s great. Just what we need. Having this party was maybe the best prep work you could have done.”

  “Wow…it wasn’t even my idea. I can’t focus on this. It’s like having your spleen removed, but being fully conscious and having to work early the next day. I just, really want to start already, you know?”

  “Yeah, I know, me too. I’m hyped! Just try to relax for now. It’s all you can do at times like these. Drink, mingle. Wait for the end.”

  “Thanks,” Julian says drily. “Great direction.”

  “Your family is nice. I loved your brother. So fucking uptight, just like you described him. Every word I got from him was like pulling teeth. Very on guard, almost hostile. He’s great!”

  “Yeah, not the adjective I would have used. I’ve been avoiding his general vicinity for the majority of the night, which isn’t hard because he and his wife are basically camped out in my backyard.”

  “Yeah, I know. I went up to him and tried to talk to him back there. That was an hour ago. His wife is pretty hot, though, yeah? For a, you know, suburbanite.”

  “Way out of his league,always has been. I don’t know what she saw in him.”

  “Aw, I wouldn’t go that far. He’s not so different than you. I mean, beside the obvious personality differences. You both have that stoic, masculine presence the ladies love.”

  Julian laughs and picks at the food, searching for something that was not there. “That’s very true. I think we get it from my mom.”

  Nathan chuckles and glances at his vibrating phone. “Fuck, it’s the‘Misses’. Hey, man, I know it’s early-”

  “Don’t worry about it. Thanks for coming. Tell Melanie I said‘hi.’”

  Nathan smiles and gives him a quick hug and handshake. “My man. You watch, we are gonnaset the world ablaze.”

  Julian returns to the party, studying the mingling crowd. He watches Mike and his wife, Emily, moving in separate paths, talking to friends, clients, and potentials of both, circling the crowd like sharks. He watches his girlfriend flirt with a group of friends, showing off her shoes, commenting on the shoes of others, always maintaining her position on the podium. He watches CeCe, sitting on the edge of the couch with her arms around her husband’s waist, laughing at a joke or story someone in their circle told, blending into the crowd of people in a casual way he could never achieve. In between, people dance and sway gently to the music. Others drink heavily. Others disappear into bathrooms and bedrooms to indulge in secrets that make the party‘special.’ He sighs and slouches against the hall’s entrance, completely bored and discontent.

  The front door swings open and Alice steps through, roaring with laughter. Scott follows, his arm around her. They stop, the look of fury on Julian’s face immediately chilling. Alice is the first to recover, pulling her coat off and handing it to one of the caterer’s. Scott follows suit and moves, smiling, to his friend.

  “Good to see you, man! I’m sorry we’re late,” he says, taking Julian’s hand. “It’s all my fault. My flight was delayed and I was famished. I had to eat.”

  “There’s food here,” Julian says robotically, smelling the alcohol on Scott.

  “I know, I know. I couldn’t wait. I made Alice take me, she said the same thing you just said…but with much more insistence and less outrage. I’m sorry. Is everyone here?”

  “Yeah.”

  Scott pats his chest condescendingly and moves into the room, greeting their friends, submerging into the crowd before Julian can say another word. Julian turns to Alice, his face stone. She stares back, undaunted by his anger or challenge. Without a word, she moves past him into the crowd, following after Scott.

  The party shifts from the polite, adult socializing to a more primal, youthful interaction as the night wanes and the drinking increases. Older couples like CeCe and her husband have left. Emily left as well, leaving Mike to his debauchery. Julian’s mother, with the children, took the hired car back to the hotel, leaving his brother and sister-in-law behind at their request. The backyard has become the centralizing area of the party, yet the two remain in their corner, engaging only remotely with the crowd. Julian sips his Jack and diet coke, one of many, with his arm around Sharleen. He studies the group of people Alice and Scott stand in before him, but not a part of him, laughing and talking in a way he has never seen Alice before. She glows beneath the stringed lighting, her short dress puffing around her like a little fairy tutu. Her arms dark and smooth, holding onto Scott. And Scott, towering over her in a ridiculous, clown-like fashion, laughing and flirting like he had with every girl Julian had ever seen him with. He leans down and whispers something into her ear. She laughs her seal laugh and swats him, as she had a thousand times to Julian.

  “Hon? Did you hear me?”

  “Hm? No, what?” Julian mumbles, sipping his drink.

  “I asked if you were having a good time. You seem really quiet tonight. Like, way more quiet than usual,” Sharleen says, leaning up at him with her sparkling eyes.

  He frowns down at her silly face and knows, in that second, he is done with her. There is nothing her charm and sexiness can do. He remembers Scott’s words about her; sexist, passive aggressive and snide comments about her vapid personality. He curses himself for not seeing it sooner, glaring up at Scott engaged in another secret with Alice.

  “I’m fine. The party’s fine.”

  “Are you sure? You can tell me, hon. Ifthere’s something wrong-”

  “Like?”

  “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking. If there’s something wrong, you can tell me.”

  “Like what?”

  “Did I do something?”

  He laughs and shifts his weight away from her, struggling to hide his annoyance at her head tilt and imploring gaze. “What? No, of course not. Why would you think that?”

  “Well…I don’t know. You’ve just been real distant lately. And tonight, you just seem like you don’t want to be here at all.”

  “We just got back from a trip, Sharleen. We just spent the past 4 days together, you and me, nobody else.”

  “So, what are you saying? Are you sick of me?”

  “No, I’m saying-how have I been distant? Exactly, how have I been any different than I normally am?”

  “I don’t know…” she is openly pouting now, her high chee
ks flushing as she wraps an arm around herself and stares out over the crowd. “You just…ever since that picture…you’ve just been acting weird is all.”

  “Oh, Jesus, here we go again,” he mutters into his cup.

  “Don’t do that,” she whispers, narrowing her eyes at him.

  “I already told you, many times, Sharleen. It was nothing.”

  “Yeah, I know. I got that. But you two are acting really weird for it being‘nothing.’”

  “Ah, c’mon! Weird how…really? You haven’t seen us together the whole night!”

  “Exactly! You haven’t said one word to her, that’s the point. You two are normally joined at the hip like goddamn Siamese twins! I can’t get a word in at all when she’s around and, when she’s not around, you’re texting one another all day long. And suddenly, like, you don’t even speak, like, at all to each other? After four days?” she hisses, glancing around to make sure no one takes notice.

  “Because we don’t want to draw any attention to it. That’s what everyone’s waiting for, right? They wanna see us talk to each other. They wannawatch our every move to see if it’s true, if I’m really fucking my assistant, right?”

  “Nobody is waiting to see if that’s true, Julian. Nobody cares,” she says, very quietly.

  “Then why are you busting my balls about it?” he asks, exasperated.

  “Because you can’t take your fucking eyes off of her,” she hisses through gritted veneers, glaring hatefully at him.

  He stares down at the starlet who smoothes her hair and smiles triumphantly. She pushes past him and moves towards her group of friends, laughing and joyful, her acting the best he had ever seen from her.

  The bartender sets the drink in front of him before he even orders it. He looks at the stout man, recalling his first meeting with Alice. It seems like another lifetime. He felt, from the moment they met, he knew her, and she him. He remembers that day he spent, the next day, riding along side her, in her world a million miles from his. How envious he felt to be anonymous, to blend so easily into her side. And she, humble and fierce, moving through the world without fear or hesitation. Embracing everything in the passionate fire of truth he sought desperately. How could he bring her into his world? Let her see him for such a fraud? How could he order such a person to pick up his clothes? Serve him? He was suddenly overcome with shame and guilt as he realized how pathetic he had been, how vile he had treated her. He remembered that night, kissing her, distracting himself with sex through her, through her! As if she could ever be treated that way! Her laugh, her sharp wit, her great heart, her perseverance. Her unwavering loyalty, even when he paraded around her in his own self-destructive illusion. And suddenly, he remembers the look in her eyes, looking up at him with the tears from his suffering, pulling him back from the absence. She loved him. She really, truly loved him, like humans love one another, naturally and from the good of her heart. And he had been blinded to it. He had chosen to ignore it and to continue on with his illusion. He had chosen to go on a trip with his‘beard’ of a girlfriend. He had chosen to ignore Alice’s love and devotion, asking her to schedule him a facial instead. “Oh, dear god…” he whispered with the realization of what he had done.

  He turned quickly to find her, to see the look in her eye she had that night, tears running down her face. The corner she and Scott occupied is empty. His mind searches frantically, up and down the halls and rooms of his house, panicked. He takes a step towards the door, his heart beating hard, as his brother approaches.

  “Julian,” James begins.

  “Not now, James.”

  “Julian, we need to talk.”

  “I’m-now’s not a good time,” he says, and then, to a woman laughing as she passes by,“Kim, have you seen Alice?”

  “Ah..Isaw her earlier with Scott. I haven’t seen her since.”

  “Julian, I just need a minute.”

  “Damn it, James, not now!”

  “Then when!? You tell me, brother, when?!”

  The crowd around them falls into an awkward silence, watching the two. Julian struggles to control himself, staring contemptuously at his brother.

  “Fine. What is it?”

  “I have been waiting here, all night, for you to acknowledge my wife and me. Waiting, patiently, for you to treat us, God, I don’t know-like people, like everyone else at this party. I don’t expect you to treat us like friends,I don’t expect you to treat us like family. I know that would be asking too much. But, Jesus, Julian. You don’t even care that we’re here. You haven’t once come talk to us. What have we done to you to merit this kind of disrespect? Tell me, what? Please, because this,” he gestures around him,“all this, can’t keep up.”

  Julian laughs and shakes his head. “You’re unbelievable. You’re on my case for months about getting together and, when I finally have you here, knowing you’re gonnasit on your fucking high horse and judge me, you tell me you feel‘disrespected’ because I haven’t talked to you the whole night? Really? I mean, who the fuck do you think you are?”

  “I’m your brother, Julian.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t know what you want from me.”

  “I want you to talk to me! Treat me like a human being instead of a goddamn leper!”

  “What do you want me to say?! What could you possibly want to hear from me? You want me to tell you about my fucking, hot, actress girlfriend? My fucking bullshit mansion? The cars, the photo shoots and magazine covers, the parties, the money? You want to know what I do on a daily basis? You want to know my work out schedule and what I eat, what my world revolves around? You want to know how fucking cliché my whole life has become? Because I’m pretty sure you don’t, James. I’m pretty sure, compared to your suburban, wet dream, with the beautiful little wife and the perfect little kids and the mapped out future, my life is a toxic, shit, bore from hell, no matter how much you resent me for my‘freedom.’ So, you tell me, you tell me, what you want me to say. Give me my line and I’ll say it, any way you want, okay? Just get the fuck off my back.”

  Julian glares at him. James shakes his head, pity in his eyes. “Julian, I just want you to talk to me.No lines…just talk to me.”

  Julian laughs, his head tilted up at the sky. He drops his gaze to Sharleen, who wears no expression he has ever seen. One of fear, or shock, complete, stupid bewilderment. “Fuck this,” he says, heading inside.

  Scott leans in towards her, reaching behind her back and pulling at the keys in her hand. He breathes her in like a lion, his nose running along her hair. His other hand slides down her waist and holds tight, pulling him towards her.

  “God, you smell so good,” Scott whispers.

  “Is that a‘line’ I detect?” she asks, her grip tightening around the keys even as her body presses into him.

  He catches her and brings her mouth to his, kissing her deeply, his hand wrestling hers for the keys behind her back. She pulls away with a drunken smile, her cat-like eyes half closed. “You’re still not getting them.”

  “I’m sober enough to drive.”

  “That’s not what I’m worried about.”

  “I have a perfect driving record. No accidents. No speeding tickets.”

  “Do you even have a license?”

  “…No,” he smiles wickedly. “But that’s never stopped me before. Come on…give me the keys. You know you want to.”

  He kisses her again, grabbing her mass of hair and pulling, tightening his grip around her keys. She locks her hand. He pins her wrist and pulls upwards, gently. She pulls away with a startled gasp, staring at him in surprise. He kisses her again, hard, driving himself into her while keeping her completely pinned against the car, one hand around her wrist, the other wrapped around her hair.

  “Jesus…” she whispers as his lips move down to her neck.

  Her eyes roll back. Her legs spread, allowing him even closer, tighter against her, his grip relentless. Her hand starts to unwrap from the tangle of keys. He bites into her neck and makes a
nother grab for them. Her hand locks again, and she uses her free hand to push his chest. He pulls away with a smile.

  “Alice, my love, it’stime to go down the rabbit hole.”

  “No way,” she whispers. “You’re much too dangerous.”

  “Me?” he asks innocently, kissing her cheek gently. “I think we got off on the wrong foot. Your perception of me is completely a skewed.”

  She laughs and moves her face away from him, exposing her neck, which he moves to automatically, sucking gently. “I don’t think it is. I think I had a very accurate first impression.”

  “Listen,” he whispers, kissing her earlobe between words,“I’m not going to lie. I am going to take you back to your house. I’m going to fuck you so hard, you won’t remember what sex was like before me and you won’t care. It will be very painful, very nasty and very, very deliberately unforgettable. So…give me the keys and let’s get going because the smell of your hair is making me absolutely crazy.”

  Her eyes squeeze shut. His mouth moves over hers again, this time without any hesitation. He presses her against the car, pulling her up against him and off her feet as he leans into her. She kisses him back, her legs wrapping around his hips, her arms wrapping around his neck, no longer concerned about the keys she dangles in her hands behind his head. He groans and shoves against her, his hands running up under her dress to her ass, squeezing hard, pushing himself into her. She pulls away again and looks at him, in his eyes. There is no tenderness, no love. No fear. He wants her, that’s all, pure animal desire. She runs a gentle finger down his cheek, imagining tears, imagining this man cry, and he jerks, startled and confused. A small smile plays on her face as she remembers Julian, kissing her fingers, fighting his tears. Scott heaves a great sigh and rolls his eyes, pulling himself off of her, knowing when he is defeated. Scott smiles, a sad, regretful smile. “Another one escapes…I need to get faster shoes.”