Inked

by Mia Ford

  I walk and walk, barely even paying attention to where I’m going. I’m following routes that I vaguely know, but I’m not sure if they take me home. I can’t be in between those four walls just staring at them while I die inside. My organs are shriveling, my heart is turning to stone and my stomach is falling out. As the tears soak my face and my insides shrivel up, I want someone to reach out to, someone to hold on to, someone to understand, but I have no one. I’m all alone.

  I collapse outside the office, leaning by a wall, knowing that I have a little bit of safety here. I will soak it up, just for a moment, before I move on again.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Isaac

  What the…? I don’t know how the sound manages to reach me, but it soaks into my ear drums and alerts me to danger. Or not necessarily danger, but someone who needs my help. I race to the window and look outside to see a shocking sight. Lexi, leaning against the wall, sobbing like her life is falling apart. I have never seen her like this before, she’s always so strong, she seems to push her emotions down. The fact that she’s letting them out now just proves how bad all of this is. This must be even worse than I thought.

  “Fuck, fuck,” I growl while I rush towards the stairs. The fact that she’s just been to the hospital, the worries that I’ve been having about her dying, all flood me painfully. “Lexi, fuck sake.”

  My heart thunders in my ears, sickness swirls, I stamp so hard against the floor that my hips hurt. But the need to comfort Lexi, make this about her rather than myself, overshadows everything else. I push the door open and race in front of her, only stopping when I’m in her eye line. I pant, trying to get my breath back, trying to find out what she wants me to do, what she needs me to say. I want my words to be the right ones.

  Speak, I practically scream inside my brain. Say something. Help her, make her feel okay again.

  “Lexi,” I gasp. “You’re…” I trail off. There are no words, not when I don’t know.

  Her eyes dart upwards. As soon as they meet mine, they snap away again. She can’t even stand to look at me which only confirms everything that I have already suspected. She’s slipping away from me like grains of sand. I’m losing her, minute by minute, second by second. The only woman that I have ever loved…

  Not that I can tell her now, it would be awful to do so. For both of us. I just need to stuff those feelings down, bury them hard, and pretend I never really felt them in the first place. That’s the only way to keep sane.

  “Lexi, what’s wrong? Tell me, please.” I ask with an edge to my voice. “Let me help you somehow…”

  She takes a step forwards and collapses against my chest, my shirt soaking wet from her tears in seconds. I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight, wishing that I could do more. This doesn’t feel like enough. But as her arms snake around me too, I feel like this is all I can do, it’s what she needs.

  “Oh, Lexi,” I whisper. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m sorry.”

  She cries harder, wailing like there’s no tomorrow. People around us glance over, wondering what this poor woman is sobbing for, but since I have no idea I have to keep looking away.

  “Come on, let’s go inside,” I whisper into her ear. “Let’s get some coffee.”

  I don’t know if that will help, but I have to try and do something. Thankfully, she follows me inside, not resisting coming back to work. I’m sure she’s sick of this freaking place.

  “Right, let me get you a seat, and I will get some drinks for us.”

  I make her sit in the waiting area, where I leave guests and potential clients when I want to impress them, because it’s comfortable and serene. I hope that does something to calm her down a little. At least enough to tell me what’s wrong, because the not knowing part is crushing me. I keep darting my eyes over to her as I make the drinks, and the sobs do seem to be cooling themselves, but I don’t know if they’re going to stop.

  This whole thing just highlights how much I like her; how much I love her. This is the exact reason why I don’t fall in love. Why I don’t get into feelings, because it’s messy. And now I’m in the biggest fucking mess in the world, my heart spinning desperately with need. I just want to climb out of this hell.

  “Here’s your coffee,” I say as I hand her the drink. She takes it, but I don’t let go for a couple of moments, because her hand is shaking too violently. She’ll spill it everywhere. “Are you okay?”

  She nods and takes the smallest sip. Just a tiny little one. Followed by another and another. I keep my eyes on her the entire time, ready to jump up whenever she needs me to.

  “Lexi, please let me help you if I can,” I plead. “Please let me know if there’s something I can do.”

  “There is nothing anyone can do. This is… well, it is what it is. There’s nothing I can do. Or you.”

  Shit. Those words make it even worse. This is the worst news ever. It has to be. Her life is crumbling, and I’m going to be left here… fucked. This is why people don’t get feelings…

  “Well, except for Jane,” she bites out, completely confusing me. “She could do something.”

  “Er… Jane?” I ask curiously. “Sorry, who is Jane? Have I missed something here?”

  She gives me a bit of a look before continuing. “Oh right, I never told you about Jane, did I?”

  She slumps forwards, her body language screams out in pain, but I’m frozen in the seat, unable to help.

  “No, you never told me anything about anyone called Jane. Would you… like to talk about her now?”

  She nods but doesn’t say anything for a while. The tension clings thickly to air, it could be cut with a knife, but it isn’t my place to shatter it. I have to be as patient as I can manage, and let Lexi break the silence.

  “Jane is my sister,” she finally announces. “And she’s sick… just like my mother was. She inherited the same thing. The reason I don’t talk much about her is because it’s so hard. I… I want to think of her as the strong beautiful woman that she was, I don’t like people to only know her as the sick person she is now.”

  “Sick?” So… she was visiting her sister, not going for herself? “So, it’s…”

  I don’t know how to ask her how bad it is. I probably shouldn’t, it might not be an appropriate question.

  “She’s having some new experimental treatment. It’s… well, it’s expensive. That’s why I needed the job here. For the salary, to make sure that I could afford it for her. To give her a chance.”

  Guilt crushes down on me. Now I feel even worse about my suggestion. She agreed to sexual favors for the extra cash because she wanted to give her sister a chance at life that her mother didn’t have. If I’d known, then I wouldn’t have abused her position at all. I know that she might like me now, but still… it isn’t right.

  “So, she’s started the treatment, but it seems to be affecting her, badly.” Lexi’s head falls into her hands. “She is sick all the time. They keep telling me that it’s normal and I should be alright with it, but I’m not. It doesn’t feel right. Plus, seeing her like that is horrible. It isn’t her, and I’m… I’m scared.”

  I gulp. There are no words to this. I’m blown away. Lexi has been carrying this massive weight on her shoulders and I never would have known it. She’s even stronger than I ever could have known. All it does is makes me fall for her even more. She’s a freaking saint.

  “Then I went to see her tonight after being here, like I do every single night…”

  I keep it quiet that I followed her, for her sake more than mine. She doesn’t need this on her shoulders as well.

  “And she wouldn’t let me in. She got the nurse to tell me that she doesn’t want visitors, to send me away. All I want to do is see her, to help her, to make this better for her, but she’s convinced that I need to get a life, and that I shouldn’t be with her all the time because it isn’t right.”

  Everything clarifies in my brain, I start to
see what’s been going on. That’s why she’s been so distant, so distracted. Because she’s obviously had her mind on Jane. Especially since her mother lost her life to this, it must hurt. I am lucky enough not to have any experience with grief, so I don’t know what to say.

  “But shouldn’t it be my decision?” she sobs. “I’m the one living this life and I want to be with her. I want to spend as much time with Jane as I can, and I want to help her. I just think it’s selfish to send me away.”

  Shit, this is heavy. Sibling rivalry, especially in a situation like this, is not a territory that I want to get involved in. But Lexi is looking at me expectantly, she wants me to jump in and say something.

  “Maybe she’s scared that she’s being selfish having you around all the time?” I offer, hoping that this is the correct thing to say. The last thing I want to do is set her off crying again.

  “I know Jane, and she probably does think that, but it isn’t true. It’s what I want.”

  I bite down on my lip, needing to offer her anything. “You know, you can have all the time off work that you need, so you can be there for your sister. It won’t change anything, I will still pay you the same.”

  “Thank you, I appreciate that offer, but I can’t see her during the day anyway because of the treatment. Plus, I have no God damn idea when she’s going to let me back in again. Nurse Amy suggested tomorrow, but I have been on the receiving end of Jane’s stubborn streak before and I’m not convinced. I think she’ll assume this will force me to get a life and not worry about her all the time… but it will make me worry more.”

  “Have you tried communicating that to her in another way? A message perhaps?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t tried, I don’t know how well it would work out. It might make her dig her heels in deeper.” She shrugs her shoulders in a blasé manner, but I can see under her shell and I can tell how much this hurts her. “I’m not sure what the best thing to do is. I really wish I did. It sucks.”

  All I can do as she collapses into sobs again is hold her. I bring her to my chest and let her weep, knowing that it’s hopeless. She doesn’t even know if this experimental treatment will work or not. She has no idea if her money is even going to anything useful, and that must be horrible.

  I need to help her now, to do what I can to make her life easier rather than harder. I will do whatever I can to take the weight off her shoulders as much as I can. Tonight, that means not leaving her alone.

  “Come on, let’s get you out of here. You need some rest. I know it won’t be easy, but you can’t just sit in the office.” She nods doubtfully. “I will walk with you, make sure that you’re okay.”

  She won’t be though, with everything going on, she might not be okay again. This isn’t something I can fix, nor can I really comfort her. Being there is about all that I can offer… if she’ll let me, of course.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Lexi

  As we walk, I fold my arms across my chest, feeling vulnerable and exposed. I never allow myself to be open like that, I haven’t told anyone about Jane because it isn’t my story to tell, and I also don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, but tonight it just got to be too much for me, and Isaac was there, warm and open.

  He is everything that I asked for tonight, but I’m scared that everything will change now.

  No, what am I talking about? Of course it will change. There’s no way it can’t. Isaac won’t see me in the same way. He’ll know that I’m not a strong woman, and that I come with all kinds of baggage.

  Tears now come even harder, for Jane and for myself. I don’t want to feel sorry for me, but I do. I can’t help it. Jane wants me to get a life and I can’t even do that right. I’ve effectively pushed Isaac away now, and he was all that I had. My feelings for him are everything, the only bit of life I have to cling on to.

  “Where are we going?” I suddenly ask curiously. “This isn’t the way to my place.”

  “I don’t know where you live.” Isaac laughs sheepishly. “So, I thought that we could go to mine.”

  “You’re inviting me to your place? You don’t have to do that, I’m a mess.”

  “I don’t want you to be alone tonight. No one should have to be by themselves when they’re this sad.”

  My heart dips and leaps. I don’t know how to feel about this. It makes me fall even deeper into love with him, which is an incredibly dangerous place for me to be during this fragile place in my life.

  “That’s… that’s really sweet of you. You’re a really nice person, Isaac.”

  It’s almost laughable how much I hated him when I first met him. It’s crazy. I assumed that he was nothing more than this arrogant asshole who just wanted to torment me for no reason. And maybe he was then, but now, he’s different. He’s caring and loving, the perfect gentleman. The sort of person who I would imagine myself with… even if he is straight laced and always in a suit, rather than the alternative look that I would normally go for… but that doesn’t mean I’m going to get him. Not now.

  His arm slings over my shoulder, making butterflies flap in the pit of my tummy. He’s being just as affectionate as I would like him to be in this situation, but it means that it’s going to hurt more when he goes. Still, for now, I can’t resist leaning into him and falling against his chest as we walk, allowing him to take some of the weight from me right now. My eyes fall closed and I allow him to walk me wherever he wants. As long as he stays with me, I will be just fine. Isaac won’t allow anything to happen to me.

  “Is this your place?” I ask as my eyes pop open and I see a giant home in front of me. Compared to my tiny little apartment, this is a freaking mansion. I don’t know what I would do with all those rooms. “It’s amazing.”

  “Hmm, it’s okay, I suppose.” His mouth turns down into a frown. I can’t help but wonder what he has to be annoyed about. He looks like he has it all. “It’s a bit big though. I bought it when I was young and I thought that I needed everything flashy, but now I would get a place much more practical.”

  I wonder if he would consider my place practical. He will probably laugh if he ever sees it!

  “You could easily sell this anytime and move somewhere that you like better. That’s what I would do.”

  He shrugs. “I’m sure that I will one day. But I hate moving. It’s so much hassle. And it takes forever.”

  As soon as we reach the door, he twists me around and plants his lips down on me softly. It’s a loving gesture, but it fills me up, swelling me up with a warmth that I need.

  “Come in, I will make us hot coco and we can chill out. I’m sure you need it.”

  I nod and allow him to take my hand. The inside of the home is even more impressive. It’s luxurious and filled with the nicest things that I have ever seen. It makes me want to run back to my place, tidy it all up, so it at least looks a little better. I have to admit that my housekeeping skills have fallen to the wayside a bit with so many hours spent at work, and the hospital.

  “Take a seat,” Isaac offers, showing me the living room. “Make yourself at home. I will be in soon.”

  It isn’t the sort of ‘make yourself at home’ place. Not for me. Everything seems to be in its place, and I don’t want to ruin any of it. So, I perch on the edge of the couch and wait for him to come back. I notice that my heart is thundering against my rib cage, wanting to burst free. There are so many emotions bursting through me, that I can hardly keep control of myself. I don’t know what I should think, what I should feel…

  If only Jane had allowed me to see her, for even five minutes, none of this would be an issue.

  I dig my cell phone out while I wait, and I try to write a text to Jane, to express how I feel, but I don’t know what to say. Nothing feels right, so I chose to slide it away again, do it in the morning. If I manage to have a nice night of sleep, then I’m sure that my thoughts will be clearer.

  “Here, I have a hot coco for you.” Isaac smiles at me. “My mom always makes me
these when…”

  He suddenly realizes what he’s said, and he cringes, but I smile back. “You can talk about your mom.”

  “I’m sorry, I just feel a bit weird. I don’t know what I should say. I don’t want to upset you.”

  “Tell me about your mom and the hot coco. I would love to hear it. It sounds really sweet.”

  He gives me a doubtful look, but he nods and continues in the end. “Well, whenever I got hurt as a kid or whenever I was upset, hot coco was the answer. Like medicine or something.”

  “My mom was the same.” I drop my eyes downwards. “But with chamomile tea. She was always making it for me and Jane, especially as we hit our teen years. You know how teenage girls are, there is always one drama or another. One of us always had something going on so there was a lot of tea.”

  “Were you close to Jane growing up, or did you fight a lot?”

  I like this question. It’s nice to think of Jane in the past. It’s good that he’s allowing me to think of her, without getting all awkward about it. I know what it’s like to have people look uncomfortably at me.

  “We had our spats now and again, but we were different then. She was tall and beautiful, popular, sociable, and I was much quieter. I know, hard to believe, right?” We both laugh a bit. “We didn’t have much time together so there wasn’t much to fight about. But we were always sisters, you know? Then… well, we got closer as Mom got sick. We only had each other to rely on then. No one else could understand.”

  “I can imagine. That must have been very hard on you.”

  “I don’t think we even thought that this disease might come down to one of us. We were told that it’s hereditary, but we didn’t worry. We just focused on Mom. Well, I know that I did anyway. And then… well then, she eventually passed away and we both fell apart. We relied on each other wholeheartedly to keep going. If I was alone… well, I don’t know what would have happened. Jane kept me sane and I did her.”