Inked

by Mia Ford

“I went to see Jane and she told me where to find you,” he replies a little guilty.

  My face glowers, everything sinks. She must really hate me if she’ll see others.

  “Jane let you in to see her? But she won’t see me? Why the hell won’t she see me?”

  “She thought that I was you, that’s why she let me in.” He holds up his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “She wants to see you. She feels terrible that she hasn’t seen you in all this time. She thought that she was protecting you, I know it doesn’t seem like she’s done the right thing, but she wanted to be nice.”

  Hearing those words from Isaac rather than Jane is a bit of a shitter, but the idea that she’s letting go of the stubbornness and she wants us to spend some time together is everything. I’m just so relieved.

  “So, can I go there? The nurses won’t send me away? Can I see my sister again?”

  Tears flow from my eyes, I can’t stop them, the emotion just gets the better of me. I have missed Jane so much and this has all been such a sad waste of time. I need Jane, I need her opinions so bad.

  “Yeah, she wants to see you too. She’s missed you so much. All she really did was talk about how she was trying to stop you from being at the hospital all the time, but now she regrets it.”

  I automatically step back and invite him inside without thinking too much about it. I’m supposed to be keeping Isaac at arm’s length, to wedge distance between us because there’s no way that we can be in each other’s lives, but my head is all over the place. I’m already planning what to tell Jane when I see her. Much as I want to go there right now, I know it’s too late and she will be tired. It will be better if I go there during daytime when she’s more awake. There are so many things that we need to talk about, and I want her to be fully aware when we chat at last.

  “So, Lexi.” Once he’s inside my home, he turns around to give me a look. “What’s going on with you? I have been trying to contact you for a while now, to see what’s going on, why you haven’t been at work…”

  I can’t tell him about my baby, our baby, because I‘ve already decided not to, but I’ll have to say something.

  “I haven’t been well,” I blurt out. “Sorry, I didn’t realize that you’ve been contacting me.”

  He gives me a doubtful look. He knows that I’m lying which does make me feel terrible. I have to avert my eyes and not look at him, so I don’t reveal too much of my soul.

  “I see… because I assumed that you were at the hospital, that’s why I kept the job open.”

  Fuck, this is going to be the moment that I lose all of my benefits. That will really put the pressure on. “I… I understand if you don’t want to keep the job open for me. I know that I haven’t exactly been employee of the month. It’s just not been great for me lately, being sick and all…”

  “How sick are you?” he demands. “You aren’t about to end up in the hospital, are you?”

  He’s seen Jane and he’s worried again that it’s about to be me. Just like I was a little while ago.

  “No,” I reassure him. “I am okay. I will be okay, you don’t need to worry about me.”

  “Well, whenever you’re ready, the job will always be there for you.”

  I gulp back guiltily. This makes me feel utterly terrible. “I don’t expect you to do that. I know how important having a personal assistant is, how much they do for you, so I don’t expect you to wait…”

  “I don’t mind, Lexi.” He smiles, just making it worse for me. “You are the best PA I have ever had. I don’t want to have someone else in your place. You just let me know when you can come back…”

  “But I don’t know when that will be,” I insist. “It could be ages.”

  He narrows his eyes curiously at me. “Is there something that you aren’t telling me? Because you don’t look bad to me. Whatever it is, I would much rather prefer that you just let me know. If it’s depression or something…”

  Oh shit, this is it. This is the moment that I should just tell him the truth. Get it over and done with. When Isaac is looking at me with such intense love in his eyes, it’s hard to keep it all inside…

  “No,” I force myself to say. “There’s nothing, it’s just… hard at the moment.”

  God, I feel horrible for basically blaming what’s going on with me on Jane’s situation, but I don’t know what else to say. I need to make him back off, so we can leave this as it is. Everything that I have shared with Isaac has been eye opening, lovely, a nice lesson, I don’t want it to end badly.

  “I understand. This must have been a difficult situation for you. I wish… well, I wish that I could have been there. I want to help you in any way that I can. I want to do whatever you need…”

  I nod, knowing that he’s speaking the truth, but unfortunately, all that I can do is push him away. I need to shove him, violently, to get him out of my life before he learns about this baby. I can’t allow that to happen.

  This is for the best, I have to remind myself. Remember all the reasons why Isaac can’t have us.

  When he’s here looking at me like this, it’s so challenging to recall why, but I do know there are reasons. His father, his family, the expectations… all of it. Those reasons aren’t going anywhere. I have thought about it over and over again, and there isn’t a way out. Even in the dead of night, when I’m dreaming about him, I know it won’t work. There are too many factors weighing in against us. Factors we can’t overcome.

  “Yeah, that’s great. Thank you.” I still can’t really look at him. “I appreciate it.”

  We stand I silence for a few moments, the tension thick in the air. I’m sure that Isaac knows I have something hidden away underneath everything, and I’m just waiting for him to call me out on it.

  “Okay, well I will get out of your hair then,” Isaac says quietly. “I’m sure you don’t want me here.”

  He’s waiting expectantly, and the urge to scream and beg him to stay, because I need him so much, but I can’t. I absolutely have to nod, to send him away. Hate races through me, hate for myself, but I push it away.

  “Thank you for coming to see me, it means… it means a lot.”

  I take a step back and wait for him to move, but he doesn’t right away. I think that he might want there to be more to this conversation, which is of course completely understandable since things were amazing between us the last time we saw one another, and I have been blowing him off ever since. I’ve been a shit really, ghosting him, behaving in an unacceptable way. If I didn’t have such powerful reasons, I’d be mad at myself.

  “Do you mind if I use your bathroom before I go?” he suddenly asks. “It’s a bit of a drive back.”

  Is this an excuse? A way for him to stay longer? I can’t exactly refuse even if it is, that would be weird.

  “No, of course not. You carry on. It’s just down the hall. That way…”

  It suddenly hits me that he’s finally seeing my tiny apartment, and he might want to compare it to his place. Unfortunately, it isn’t looking it’s best because I haven’t exactly been the most careful while all of this has been going on. I have tried to keep up to date with the housework, but stress has made it difficult…

  But I suppose it doesn’t really matter how much he’s judging me, this is the last time we will see one another. It seems like I’m going to have to write that letter of resignation now. It’s the only way to put this to an end.

  I stare down the hallway after Isaac, but a picture catches my eye. A photograph of me and Jane hanging on the wall which takes my focus. It feels so freaking weird that Isaac and Jane met without me there. I wonder how it went. I can’t wait to ask Jane, find out what happened exactly. I’m so happy she is letting me in once more. This is progress, the start of our relationship rebuilding all over again.

  I can live without Isaac, even if it will destroy me, but Jane, I need her more than anyone else. It’s going to be so hard to wait until the morning, but I’m pretty used to being on the edge now. One
more night is nothing.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Isaac

  Fuck. This isn’t going to plan. Lexi is being so distant, and I don’t know why. It’s obvious that she’s keeping something from me, but without getting her to open up to me, I will never know what that is. How can I help her when she won’t let me in? She’s stubborn, Jane confirmed that, but I want to get passed that.

  Once I’m in the bathroom, I do something almost as bad as practically stalking her when I followed her to the hospital. I invade her privacy once more, because I can’t wait for her to open up to me. I open up her medicine cupboard to look inside. My heart pounds heavily as I do, the sensation that this is incredibly wrong floods me, but I don’t stop. I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for, but I think I might know it when I see it.

  No medication, I note as I flicker my eyes around. Nothing to really make me worry.

  But there is a box. A box with a white thing sticking out of it. One that really grabs me. I reach out with trembling fingers and wrap my hand around it, the terror shaking my bones.

  “A pregnancy test,” I whisper with shock. “She’s taken a pregnancy test?”

  She hasn’t taken this one, it’s still unused, but there must be one around here somewhere. This would give me all the information that I need to understand what’s happening with Lexi. I head over to the garbage and peer inside, easily finding exactly what I’m looking for. A test that’s been used. A test with a blue cross on it.

  “Positive.” The world spins around me. I’m dizzy and a little sick. I feel like I might fall. “There’s a baby.”

  That’s what’s been happening, that’s why she has been avoiding me… but why? I know that it was new between us, but we were good, weren’t we? She could have talked to me about it…

  Unless… the baby isn’t mine. That could be possible. It could be something that happened after us, or even during. I mean, we started as an arrangement, there were never any promises between us. We never made things exclusive even after we stopped the arrangement side of things, so she could have been doing anything. Just because I have been falling for her, doesn’t mean there can’t be another person in her life. Anything could’ve happened.

  Me and Lexi started out as a secret. She’s good at keeping things to herself. Perhaps I was the one who was kept in the dark about another person that she’s been seeing… who the hell knows?

  Everything continues to twirl and twist around me, I can hardly keep still as the foundation my world has been built upon sheds away. I have absolutely no idea where I stand now. This is crazy.

  I need to get out, I tell myself desperately. I can’t be here anymore. Not with Lexi, not with this going on…

  I race out of the bathroom to find Lexi standing in front of a photograph of her and Jane, that looked quite old. It might even be an image of them as teenagers before their mother died and their world fell apart. She looks so sweet and serene as she looks at the picture, I almost can’t believe that she would do anything bad to me…

  But since she hasn’t told me about the baby, I can only assume that she doesn’t want me to know for a reason. Perhaps I just see her as this angelic sweet woman, because that’s what I want her to be. That’s how I’ve seen her.

  “I… I have to go now,” I tell Lexi with a trembling voice. “But I will…”

  I was going to say, ‘see you soon’, but now that I can see what’s really going on, I don’t think I will. Lexi clearly has no intention of coming back to work because she doesn’t want me to know the truth.

  Lexi snaps her eyes away from the picture, almost as if she forgot I’m still here. “Oh right…”

  My chest yearns, my heart aches, I just want her to tell me already, to let me know that the baby is mine, because really that’s all I want. Her and the life that we could share together.

  But she says nothing. She just nods and allows me to walk towards the door. Internally, I scream for her to keep me here, to demand I don’t go anywhere, but I’m not an idiot. I know that she won’t.

  I open the door, the outside world calling me, but I remain there for a couple of seconds longer before I bravely take the step outside. I force myself to get in the car and drive the hell away. It takes everything that I have to do it, but I just about make it, even though my head is spinning wildly.

  “Fuck!” I bang my hand against the steering wheel. “Fucking hell, Lexi. What the fuck?”

  Everything is ruined now. There is no way back for us. If she’s having a baby with another man, there is nothing for us. It means I was an idiot and she never cared about me. I’m going to be alone forever. Everything that we’ve been through recently, all the love that we’ve shared, it all flows through my mind and diminishes into nothingness. Just a deep black hole with nothing but numbness there.

  This is why I shouldn’t have been nosy. I stuck my nose in where it wasn’t wanted, and I found out stuff I didn’t want to know. I need to learn a lesson, to never act this way again. I suppose it’s better I know, but that was a brutal way to find out. I think it would’ve been better if she just told me honestly.

  I get home and jump out of the car, my feet pounding hard against the concrete as I stalk inside. I head into the kitchen and pour myself a stiff drink, which I hope will calm down my nerves… but as soon as it’s poured, I push it away. I don’t want it. The smell makes me feel sick.

  Instead, I slump my head forwards and I hold it in my hands, a sense of hopelessness overcoming me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in this situation, it doesn’t feel right. Being here doesn’t feel right.

  “What should I do?” I growl at myself. “What do I do here? I don’t get it, I don’t know what to do…”

  I walk over to the nearest window and stare outside, trying to find some inspiration from the world. Something needs to help me, there must be some sign from the universe, I need help from someone.

  “Truth…” The word bursts free from me. “I need to know the truth.”

  I should have just stuck around and asked. That was pretty naïve of me. I ran away, I raced here, and now I’m none the wiser. As far as I know, aside from all the pregnancy stuff, Lexi has always been honest with me, so I’m sure that if I just asked her outright, she probably would have told me.

  I grab my cell phone and think about calling her, but that doesn’t feel like the correct thing to do. I won’t be able to see her face, there’s no way I’ll know the truth, if I don’t see her expression. While it’s late, and probably not the best idea in the world to go back to Lexi’s home, I need to. I won’t be able to rest without knowing now, never mind sleep. So, I head back down to the car and I wearily make the journey back to Lexi’s home. I will be unwelcome, I know I will, but me and Lexi need to have this conversation. We need to hash this out once and for all. We need closure so we can know what to do next.

  As I arrive, I feel even more unsure, but I don’t stop. The need to have all the answers is all that I want. I knock again and wait impatiently for her to answer. She comes to the door much quieter this time…

  “Isaac?” Her eyes widen in shock. “You’re back? What’s going on?”

  I part my lips, ready to demand to know what’s going on once and for all, but the words fall away. She has red rings around her eyes, it’s obvious that she’s been crying, which makes me feel terrible. I caused this.

  “Lexi, I need to talk to you,” I reply calmly instead, holding myself together as much as I can. “Can I come inside, please? I won’t take up too much time. I just need… there are some things that we must discuss.”

  “Erm, right sure.” She steps aside and I go past her, my heart pounding and my thoughts racing as I do. This definitely feels better than being at home, but I’m still very scared. “What’s going on, Isaac?”

  I drag my fingers through my hair and look anywhere but at her. The words are there, but they are hard to get out. I guess as soon as I say this, as soon as the words fly free, the bo
ok will be closed forever. I suppose that needs to happen, for both of us to move on with our lives, but it doesn’t make it easier.

  “Lexi, when I was here before, I saw something. In the bathroom, I saw a pregnancy test.”

  She gasps loudly and claps her hands to her mouth. “I… I didn’t mean for you to see it…”

  “Who does the baby belong to, Lexi? I think I should know if he or she is mine…”

  “What? Why would you think that?” she gushes. “Do you really think I’m that sort of person?”

  “I… no, I just…” Shit, now I feel even more stupid! “I just don’t know why you wouldn’t tell me.”

  “Because it’s only been a short while. Because we’re from different worlds and this highlighted that. Because me and you can’t be together, can we? Because…” She shrugs hard. “I don’t know. This is all weird.”

  “Oh God… so the baby is mine?” Those words swim through me. It’s crazy to process, to know for real. “Really mine? This is wild. I’m going to be a father… I really am.”

  “You don’t have to be,” she insists. “I don’t expect anything from you. I’m not going to be coming to you for money or support, anything like that. I’m just… I don’t know. I’m telling you because, you know.”

  It’s time. It’s finally time to confess. “Lexi, I love you. I do. I love you and I want to be a father to our child. I want to be there for you too. In whatever way that you want me. I don’t understand what you said about us not being able to be together, I can’t see any barriers between me and you being in love, but if that isn’t what you want then I understand. But please, let me be there for you. Let me help you.”

  “You… you love me?” she gushes. “Is that for real or are you just saying that?”

  My face breaks out into a wide smile. Love rushes over me intensely in a warm wave. “Of course I mean it. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t. I would love nothing more than to be a family with you, but a family doesn’t have to mean relationship if that’s not where this is headed. Whatever you want.”