Between the Plums

by Janet Evanovich

  “The first part of the plan is that I want my money,” Delvina croaked. “Get the money to me, and you get your granny back.”

  “Why don’t you wait here, and I’ll get the money. I just have to find Briggs.”

  “What, do I look stupid?” Delvina said. “You’ll come back with the cops. And besides, I gotta get my shot. And Mickey’s gotta feed the horse.”

  Mickey was still holding his gun on me. He handed the gun to Delvina and took cuffs from his back pocket. “Gimme your wrist,” Mickey said.

  “No.”

  “Give it to me, or Lou’s gonna shoot.”

  “I don’t think he’ll shoot me.”

  “You got that right,” Delvina said. “I’ll shoot the old lady. I’d love to shoot the old lady.”

  I blew out a sigh and held my hand out for Mickey to cuff. He snapped a cuff on, walked me into the bathroom, and attached the other bracelet to the towel bar.

  Mickey left the bathroom, closing the door after him. Seconds later, I heard the faint sound of the door to the suite opening and closing.

  On the surface, Lou Delvina and Mickey were clichéd, mid-level, bumbling bad guys right out of central casting for every Mob movie ever made. At least, they used to be before Delvina’s cortisone issue. Problem was, Delvina was right about his reputation. Delvina had ruthlessly scratched and clawed his way up the crime ladder in Newark and finally had been rewarded with his own piece of real estate. That real estate was Trenton. In the old days, it would have been a prize, but the old days were gone and the Mob no longer exclusively ran Trenton. The Mob had to share the Trenton pie with Russian thugs, kid gangs, Asian triads, black and Hispanic gangstas. So Delvina was still scratching and clawing, and sometimes people who got in his way disappeared.

  I sat on the edge of the tub and waited. Eventually, someone would show up. A maid. Diesel. Briggs. A half hour ground by and I heard my phone ringing in my purse in the other room. I prayed it wasn’t my mother. My mother was going to freak. She sent me out to retrieve Grandma Mazur and now Grandma was kidnapped.

  The phone stopped ringing and I waited some more. Ten minutes later, I heard someone enter the suite.

  “Help,” I yelled. “I’m locked in the bathroom.”

  Diesel opened the door and looked in at me. “I’m not usually into bondage, but I’m getting turned on.”

  “Delvina and his pal Mickey were here. They kidnapped Grandma.”

  “Is that a bad thing?”

  “Yes!”

  Diesel pulled his keyring from his pocket, sorted through his keys, plugged one into the cuff, and the cuff opened.

  “I thought you’d magically make the cuff fall off my wrist,” I said to him.

  “I could, but that would be showing off.”

  “Delvina is taking Grandma back to Trenton and holding her hostage for the money . . . along with the horse.”

  “Delvina’s beginning to annoy me,” Diesel said.

  “Last time he annoyed you, you threatened to turn him into a toad. And now his voice is croaky and he’s fat and blobby and has no neck.”

  “Imagine that.”

  “You didn’t turn Delvina into a toad, did you?”

  Diesel smiled. “He isn’t really a toad. He’s just toadlike.”

  “Sometimes you can be downright scary.”

  “Yeah, but I’m sexy and cuddly, so it’s okay.”

  I hauled my cell phone out of my bag, and I called Briggs. It rang a bunch of times and went to his answering service.

  “We need the money out of the vault,” I said to Diesel. “I’m worried about Grandma Mazur. Delvina isn’t a nice guy.”

  “Briggs is probably asleep,” Diesel said. “We’ll go to the RV and get him up.”

  I went through the suite and packed up Grandma’s things so I could check her out when I got downstairs. I wanted to make sure she had no reason to come back.

  Snuggy was at the built-in banquette when we entered the RV. He was eating cereal, and he was looking rumpled.

  “This sucks,” Snuggy said. “I haven’t got any clean clothes. I haven’t even got a toothbrush. And there’s no milk for the cereal.”

  “Where’s Briggs? Is he still asleep?” I asked.

  “No. His phone rang right after you left, and he got up and went out. I think he’s got a thing going with some girl.”

  “Did he say anything? Do you know anything about the girl?”

  “Nope. Didn’t say anything.”

  The door banged open, and Lula stormed in.

  “I’m gonna kill him,” Lula said. “I’m gonna find him and kill him. And then I’m gonna kick the crap out of him. I been sitting outside this hotel room, wondering when this photo shoot was gonna start, and along comes a maid and goes into the room. So I go in with her and what do you think I see? They’re gone. There’s no one in the friggin’ room. So I go down to the desk and ask where they are, and turns out they took off in the middle of the night.”

  Snuggy tapped the cereal box with his spoon. “Want some cereal?”

  “Yeah,” Lula said. “I didn’t have breakfast. I could eat a horse. Nothing personal.”

  “I bet it was a scam,” Snuggy said. “You pay the photographer money to make a portfolio, and then he doesn’t even have film in the camera. Happens all the time.”

  “How do you know?”

  “It was on Everybody Loves Raymond. Ray’s brother got scammed like that.”

  Lula dumped a load of cereal into a bowl and started shoveling it into her mouth. “Wait a minute,” Lula said. “There’s no milk in this cereal.”

  “We haven’t got any milk,” I told her.

  “I’m so mad, I don’t know what I’m eating. I’m beside myself. I gotta take a breath. I gotta calm down. I’m probably giving myself a stroke.” She scarfed down some more cereal. “So what’s happening around here? I miss anything while I was getting scammed?”

  “Lou Delvina kidnapped Grandma.”

  “Get out! Why’d he want to do that?”

  “He figured we didn’t want the horse back bad enough, so he took another hostage.”

  “He took the wrong one,” Lula said. “No offense. I like your grandma and all, but she’s gonna make their life a living hell.”

  That was my fear. If Grandma got too cantankerous, Delvina might think she wasn’t worth the effort and get rid of her . . . permanently.

  Diesel was slouched on the couch. “How did Delvina find Grandma?” he asked Snuggy.

  “It wasn’t me,” Snuggy said. “I swear.”

  Diesel kept looking at him. Not saying anything. Just looking.

  Snuggy squirmed in his seat. “He must have followed me here.”

  Now we were all looking at Snuggy.

  “Okay!” Snuggy said. “He did follow me. I saw him. I didn’t have a choice. He was gonna kill Doug, and he had me by the short hairs. And I figured it didn’t matter that he was here. I figured he was just watching me. And then he started pressuring me, calling me, so I told him I couldn’t get my hands on the money because it was in the vault. I didn’t know he’d kidnap Grandma. He had Doug. Who’d think he’d kidnap an old woman?”

  “I don’t want to be an alarmist or anything,” I said to Diesel, “but we need to get Grandma back now.”

  “We can bring the police in, but that would get messy for Snuggy and Doug. And Delvina might panic and make Grandma disappear.”

  I bit into my lower lip to keep from sniveling, and told myself to get a grip. I didn’t want Grandma to disappear.

  “Looks like we’ll have to get the money without Briggs,” Diesel said.

  “Oh boy,” Lula said. “Are we gonna rob the vault?”

  “No,” Diesel said. “We’re going to help them return our deposit.”

  We took the elevator and followed Daffy’s footprints through the casino gaming floor to hotel reception.

  “I want to know the safety deposit box routine,” Diesel said. “Someone needs to go to the
desk and ask to get walked through the process.”

  “I’ll do it,” Lula said. “Us supermodels are always carrying a shitload of jewelry. I’ll tell them I need to know everything’s okay before I hand over my valuables for safekeeping. And if they disrespect me, I’ll scream discrimination. It’s illegal to discriminate against a supermodel. We got rights like everyone else.”

  Lula strutted up to the desk, and we all watched while she talked to one of the clerks. The clerk turned Lula over to a manager, and the manager led Lula into a back room. Ten minutes later, Lula emerged, thanked the manager and clerk, and crossed the lobby to where we were waiting.

  “You gotta get behind the desk and through the door,” Lula said. “Once you’re through the door, you walk down the hall and take a special service elevator two flights down. It opens into another hallway with a guard at a desk. You gotta show the guard your ID and do one of them fingerprint scans like at Disney World. If I was by myself, I wouldn’t have got anywhere, but I was with the manager, so he took me halfway down the hall to a door marked GUESTS. That’s the door that leads to the guest security boxes. There’s other doors down there that lead to the money-counting room and all, but they’re locked up tight. Once you get into the room with the security boxes, you can only open them with a key and a code. You get the code wrong, and the Marines come and cut your balls off. Oh yeah, and another thing, you’re always on television,” she said to Diesel, “so maybe you want to comb your hair.”

  “How do I know which box is mine?” Diesel asked.

  “The guy at the desk with the fingerprint machine has a book with everyone’s name and box number. Plus, did I tell you he’s got a gun? A big one.”

  “The armed guard is a problem,” Diesel said. “I can scramble television transmissions, and I can open locks. I can’t make myself invisible.”

  “I got a stun gun,” Lula said. “How about you jump out of the elevator and real quick you give him some jolts? You just gotta move fast before he shoots you. How fast can you move?”

  “I can’t move as fast as a bullet.”

  “I can get past the guard,” Snuggy said. “I can be real sneaky when it comes to people. I have this thing. Take your eyes off me, and I disappear.”

  “I hear leprechauns can do that,” Lula said.

  “Exactly!” Snuggy said to her.

  Diesel looked down at Snuggy. “You don’t disappear. You have a knack for knowing when people are distracted.”

  “I’m almost positive I disappear,” Snuggy said.

  “If you’re wrong, the Marines are gonna cut your balls off,” Lula told him.

  “I’d hate that,” Snuggy said. “I’m attached to my balls.”

  Diesel scanned the lobby and looked beyond it into the gaming area. “I wish Briggs would show up.”

  I dialed Briggs, and we all waited while his phone rang. Finally, his service kicked in.

  “Call me!” I said. “Now.”

  “Let’s assume you can actually get past the guard,” Diesel said to Snuggy. “Can you open the locked door to the safety deposit box room and get into the box?”

  “Piece of cake. Problem is, I’ll get caught by the security cameras. For some reason, television picks up my image.”

  “I can scramble the television,” Diesel said, “but you can’t waste time once you’re out of the elevator. You’ll only have a couple minutes before they send someone to investigate.”

  “I can do it,” Snuggy said. “Doug is depending on me.”

  My phone rang, and I snatched it out of my pocket, hoping it was Briggs.

  “Plum?”

  It was Lou Delvina. Easy to recognize his croaky voice.

  “You better be on the road with my money,” Delvina said.

  “Not yet, but I’m working on it.”

  “You have until three o’clock. First, I kill the horse, and then the old lady. And then I’ll come get you. Or maybe I should go for your mother next. Or your sister. Or even better, one of your little nieces.”

  Delvina disconnected, and Diesel wrapped an arm around me. “Are you okay? Your face just went white.”

  “We need to get Delvina his money.”

  Diesel looked over at the registration desk and then at Snuggy. “I know I’m going to regret this,” Diesel said.

  “How do you want to do it?” Snuggy asked. “Do you want me to just slip behind the desk and go to the elevator?”

  “No. I need to go to the elevator with you. That means I need a diversion, so we’re going to play some slots.”

  Ten minutes later, Lula had a bucket filled with quarters and nickels.

  “I love when they have nickel slots,” Lula said, two arms around the bucket. “I like seeing all that money drop into the tray. It don’t matter that you only won eight dollars. It’s the experience of the money coming out at you that counts. And I can’t believe how lucky we were. I never was able to fill a bucket like this.”

  I cut my eyes to Diesel.

  “I’m a lucky kind of guy,” Diesel said.

  “Maybe you’re a leprechaun.”

  “It doesn’t say leprechaun on my driver’s license.”

  “Well, if anyone would know, it would be the DMV.”

  “Okay, let’s do it,” Diesel said. “This is how it’s going to go down. Stephanie stays here, so we have someone to float bail if we all get arrested. Snuggy stays glued to my side until I get the communications scrambled. And Lula creates chaos, so Snuggy and I can get behind the desk.”

  “I get it,” Lula said. “You want me to dump the bucket.”

  “Exactly,” Diesel said. “Make sure all eyes are on you.”

  Lula shrugged out of the black jacket and handed it over. “Leave it to me. You have to be dead not to be looking at me do this. I’m gonna be the Queen of Chaos.”

  Lula minced up to the desk in her stiletto heels and skintight gold-sequined supermodel outfit. The skirt was three inches below her ass, and her boobs moved like Jell-O barely held in place by the bustier. She held the bucket of change at arm’s length in front of her, not wanting to distract from her natural assets.

  “Yoohoo!” she called to one of the men behind the registration desk. “I’m almost a supermodel, and I’ve got a bucket full of money. I’m thinking I might need some help protecting all this money. I’m thinking . . . whoops!” Lula stumbled, jerked the bucket, and the money shot out in all directions. “My money!” Lula shrieked.

  Lula bent to retrieve her money, and her left boob fell out of the top and her skirt rode up past the full moon. She was wearing a matching gold thong, but most of the thong was lost in deep space. The entire hotel and casino gasped. It was as if all the air instantly got sucked in and, seconds later, got spewed out. Four guards rushed to the scene, and all six men behind the registration desk were mouths agape, eyes glued to Lula.

  Lula stood and pushed her boob back into the top of her dress and pulled her skirt down. Then she bent in another direction to get her money, and the boob fell out again, and the dress rode up. People were scrambling around her, trying to scoop up the change and return it to the bucket without unduly sticking their noses in Lula’s business. And Lula kept spilling the money out of the bucket and bending over.

  “My word,” Lula exclaimed. “Mercy me! Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.”

  Diesel and Snuggy disappeared behind the door that led to the elevator, and Lula continued to create chaos. She was finally stopped by an assistant manager, who grabbed the bucket. Most of the change was returned to the bucket, and the manager asked Lula if she would like the change converted into paper money or Daffy Dollars.

  “Do you think I should?” Lula asked him. “What would you do? Maybe I should just take this and keep playing. I think I’m hot. Don’t I look hot?” Lula looked over at me. “What do you think I should do?”

  I was watching the door behind the desk. Fifteen minutes had passed. Briggs had returned in ten when he got Diesel’s poker stake.

  “I thi
nk you should put it back in the machine,” I said. “And save some for parking meters.”

  The door opened and Diesel ambled out. He was stopped by one of the registration people. He swayed a little and smiled. Snatches of conversation carried across the floor.

  “Lookin’ for the can,” Diesel said. “They said it was in there, but I couldn’t find it. There should be signs, right? How’r people supposed to know?”

  “Public restrooms are across the lobby,” Diesel was told.

  “Okay,” Diesel said, and he wandered toward me, a little unsteady on his feet. He reached Lula, and the door behind the desk banged open, and Snuggy came flying out. Snuggy was moving so fast his legs were a green blur. The guard chasing after him was slow by comparison, overweight and breathing hard.

  Diesel bumped into Lula and knocked the bucket out of her hands. For the second time, people scurried for the money like roaches on pie. The guard pulled up, unsure of Snuggy’s direction, craning his neck, attempting to see around the gathering crowd.

  “I’ll give ya ten dollars to do me in the lot,” Diesel said to Lula.

  “I’m there,” Lula said. “Excuse me,” she said to the manager. “I got business.”

  We all power walked through the casino and broke into a run when we reached the lot. Snuggy was already in the RV with the engine cranked over when we tumbled in.

  “Go,” Diesel said to Snuggy. “And don’t look back.”

  A half hour later, we were on the Garden State Parkway heading for Trenton, and my heart rate was almost normal.

  “What the heck was that back there?” Lula wanted to know.

  Diesel was sprawled on the couch. “I was able to scramble the feed, but just to be safe I went down in the elevator with Mr. Sneaky. What happened after that is classic Snuggy O’Connor.

  “The elevator doors opened, Snuggy zipped out and went straight to the guard at the desk and started thumbing through the guy’s logbook, looking for the box number. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ the guard says. ‘And where did you come from? Where’s your ID?’ So Snuggy says, ‘You can’t see me. I’m a leprechaun.’ ”

  “I could have sworn I disappeared,” Snuggy said, concentrating, keeping his eyes on the road while he drove.