Ryan's Crossing

by Carrie Daws

  “Sounds like things are under control.”

  “I am so tired,” said Brittney. “It’s been such a long day.”

  “You have no idea,” said Ryan, more to himself than to her.

  “What do you mean?” Brittney prodded.

  Unwilling to share his thoughts, Ryan turned to humor. “I’m still in a tux.”

  She smiled back. “It could be the latest thing in paramedic wear,” she teased. Then she gazed at him steadily. “Come on. Quit deflecting.”

  “Ouch. Well, the truth is I’m not sure you’d believe me if I told you. I’m not sure I believe it.” Ryan put his hands in his pockets and looked away. “You ever feel like you’ve been given a message from God, but you’re not sure what to do with it?”

  “Sure. Sometimes it feels like I do more wondering what to do with it than knowing where to go next. You thinking about your career options again?”

  Ryan met her gaze. “I suppose. Two weeks ago, McWilliam didn’t seem like it was that far away. Now, well… I just don’t know.”

  “Is your family growing on you?”

  He looked at her for a moment, considering the question. “Maybe. And maybe a few others too.”

  She brushed her hair behind her ear. He was beginning to recognize that motion as discomfort.

  “Before I got here, I dreaded coming. I didn’t know what to expect out of Rach-, er, Amber, much less the family she was marrying into. And my dad and I haven’t always gotten along.”

  “In what way?”

  “I feel like I’ve disappointed him, that being a paramedic wasn’t what he wanted for me. I think he wanted me by his side looking for Rach.” Ryan shook his head. “I’ve got to get used to calling her Amber.”

  Brittney put her hands in her jacket pocket and shrugged. “It’s okay. I’m sure it’s a tough change.”

  “Anyway, things are different from what I thought they’d be.”

  “In a good way?”

  She looked at him. He decided he could get lost in those eyes. “Yeah, very good.”

  “Want to go down to the cafeteria and get some coffee?”

  “Sure. Lead the way.”

  Ryan rolled over and looked at the clock. 9:17. By the time the hospital got Amy and Joshua settled into a room, it had been almost one o’clock in the morning. He’d driven Chad and Brittney back, watching Brittney let herself in her parent’s front door before he and Chad walked down the road just a bit to get their cars. After that, he had gone home and barely removed the tuxedo before falling into bed.

  He grabbed clothes and jumped in the shower, hoping the hot water would help his foggy brain recover. Ten minutes later, he walked into the kitchen to find his mom pouring a cup of fresh coffee and his dad reading the paper.

  “I heard you in the shower, so I started a fresh pot.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “How were Chad and Amy when you left last night?” said Victoria.

  “Still pretty shaken,” said Ryan, taking a sip of the coffee.

  “Did you find out any more?” said Thomas.

  “No. They weren’t expecting the results from the bone marrow test until they talked to a doctor this morning.”

  “Did you suspect cancer yesterday, son?” said Thomas.

  “Yeah, Dad. I did.”

  “Was that kind of thing you were doing over the holidays?” said Victoria.

  Ryan wondered if his parents would ever put Christmas to rest. It was past, done. Can we move on? Aloud, he said, “Kinda.” He took a sip of his coffee. “I had to take three anatomy and physiology classes and some first aid and trauma care type classes for my license, but I’ve picked up a lot during clinicals and hanging around the ERs.”

  “You know, the clinic is looking to hire someone full time,” said Victoria in the tone moms get when they have an idea that they want their children to act on.

  “I’m not a doctor, Mom,” said Ryan, knowing where this conversation was leading.

  “I know,” said Victoria. “But sometimes they have trouble getting a doctor down here regularly. And lots of folks complain because the only person who’s always there is the receptionist. Even the nurses rotate down from Portland. It’d be nice to have someone there with medical knowledge who knows more about you than just what you want to be seen for on one particular visit.”

  “I’d bet you could probably handle a lot of what happens in Crossing,” said Thomas, joining forces with his wife. “Seasonal type things like colds and flus, sprained muscles, and that type of thing.”

  “You can’t sprain a muscle, Dad,” said Ryan.

  “Just something for you to think about,” said Thomas innocently.

  Ryan paused to look at his dad. Just something to think about. No debate? No pushing the issue farther?

  “Well, we better get moving if we’re going to make it to church,” said Victoria. “Did Keith ever come back upstairs?”

  “I haven’t seen him, dear,” said Thomas.

  “He’s probably organizing some tool or supply down in the store,” said Victoria.

  “I’ll get him, Mom, and meet you over at church,” said Ryan.

  He grabbed his jacket and headed downstairs. “Keith? You down here?”

  “Right here. Just straightening up these paintbrushes.”

  “Want to walk over to church with me?”

  “Sure. I’ll get my coat.”

  The two boys headed out the door and down the sidewalk two blocks to the church building. The day was unseasonably warm for the last few days of January in Oregon, and the sun shone brightly on Ryan’s back.

  “So, do you think you and Brittney will be the next to get married?” asked Keith casually.

  The question snapped Ryan out of his thoughts. “What? Why would you ask a crazy question like that?”

  Keith shrugged. “Just wondering. You look at her different from the way you look at all the other women.”

  “I do, huh?” Ryan considered this for a minute. She is nice to look at.

  “You’re smiling,” said Keith.

  “You’re annoying this morning.” Ryan reached over and messed up Keith’s hair.

  Keith laughed as he pulled away. He moved back to walk beside Ryan, straightening his hair. “If you do, does that mean you’ll move to Portland?”

  Ryan shook his head ruefully. “Not that I’m admitting to anything, but would you like that?”

  “It’s closer than McWilliam.”

  “True.”

  “I’d rather have you here with us.”

  Ryan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. But you’ll be one of the first to know when I figure it out.”

  Sitting behind Brittney during church proved distracting. Ryan had to keep refocusing on the service, and he kept glancing over at Keith to see the boy smiling at him like he knew exactly what Ryan was thinking. The boy’s too smug for sixteen!

  The service ended, and Ryan stood as Brittney turned to pick up her purse and Bible. Dark circles are beginning to form under her eyes. “How’d you sleep?”

  “Okay,” said Brittney.

  “Liar,” said Ryan, smiling to soften the effect.

  “Yeah, well. I’m a liar. You’re a chicken.” Her eyes twinkled in response, almost like she was daring him to challenge her.

  “When are you heading home?” said Ryan, redirecting the conversation back to safer ground.

  “Later this afternoon. I have to be back at work on Tuesday, and I’d like to get some things done at home first. What are you going to do?”

  “I think I’ll check out a couple places in Portland before heading back to McWilliam.”

  “Excuse me.” Ryan’s mom couldn’t have missed what Ryan had just said. Ryan and Brittney both looked at her. “Do you have plans this afternoon, Ryan?”

  “At some point I need to head into Portland, Mom, but the time doesn’t matter too much. Why?”

  “Well, Faye and I were just t
alking,” said Victoria, gesturing toward where Faye stood. “Brittney, why don’t you and your parents join us for lunch? It’s nothing fancy, but I’d be pleased if you’d come.”

  Ryan looked at his mom suspiciously for a moment. Is she pushing us together?

  “Your Dad and I are going to run home first,” Faye told Brittney. “I want to change clothes and grab some of the leftovers from the wedding.”

  “Sounds good,” said Brittney. “I’ll ride along and change too.”

  “Yes!” said Keith with a fist pump.

  Ryan elbowed him in the chest, sending him flying back onto the pew.

  “Ow!” said Keith. He broke out in giggles as he stood back up and rubbed his chest.

  “Ryan!” Victoria scolded.

  “Don’t ask, Mom,” said Ryan.

  Brittney looked from Keith to Ryan, smiling as she turned to follow Faye out the door.

  Chapter 14

  BRITTNEY THREW ON HER WHITE cashmere sweater and a comfy pair of jeans before packing her skirt into the suitcase. Taking one final look around the room, she zipped it up and carried it downstairs. Faye walked out from her bedroom just as Brittney reached the bottom step.

  “Do you have everything, dear?”

  “I think so, Mom. If not, I’ll be back for Amber’s birthday celebration in three weeks.”

  “Are you two ready to go?” said Frank as he walked out of the bedroom behind his wife.

  “Let’s hit the road,” said Brittney.

  Brittney followed her parents back to town in her own purple Chevy Equinox so she could leave for home after she ate. Her thoughts kept turning to Ryan. Does he want more than just friendship from me? Father, he’s not proved himself trustworthy in the long-term category from what he says about job-hopping every few months. So what do I do if he does move to Portland? It would be nice to hang around him. Do I set a time limit? Find out the longest he’s been at previous jobs? Ugh! Father, it would be great if you’d speak up here. Of course, I probably have to shut up long enough to let you speak, huh?

  Brittney sighed. It would be so easy to talk myself into taking a risk with him. Father, help me be wise. To follow You, not necessarily my heart.

  She parked beside her dad’s truck in front of Micah’s Hardware. Keith let them in the front door. Walking upstairs, Brittney was greeted by a smorgasbord of cold cuts, cheeses, bags of chips, crescent rolls, and Ryan dressed casually in faded blue jeans and a light blue sweater that matched his eyes. She almost missed the top step.

  He reached out to help her. “You okay?”

  She smiled up at him, her hand tingling in his warm clasp. “Yeah.”

  “Why do I think we’re back to that lying chicken?”

  “What’s a lying chicken?” said Thomas, glancing away from the TV.

  Ryan grinned at Brittney. “Nothing, Dad.”

  Everyone grabbed plates and began to dive into the meats when Brittney’s cell phone rang. She popped a piece of cheese into her mouth and went to check the number. When she saw the screen, she immediately answered the call and started down the stairs.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey, Britt. It’s Diane.”

  “What’s up?”

  “Thought I’d give you a heads up. Her kidneys are failing.”

  Brittney closed her eyes. “Okay. Who’s working tonight?”

  “Nicole.”

  “Thanks, Diane.”

  “You’re welcome. And Britt?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah.” Brittney hung up the phone and stood at the bottom of the stairs trying to gather herself.

  “Is it Grace?” said Ryan.

  She turned and saw him standing just five steps up. “Yes. Her kidneys are failing.”

  Ryan breathed in deeply. “Are you heading out now?”

  “Yeah. I’ve got to get to the hospital.”

  “Let me tell everyone what’s going on and grab my coat.”

  “Ryan…”

  “I’ll follow you up there. Besides, I owe her a shake.”

  Brittney smiled. “Yeah, you do. Okay.”

  Ryan ran up the stairs. She could hear him explaining to their parents about Gracie making a turn for the worse and that they were going to see her. It wasn’t long before he was back down the stairs with her jacket and purse.

  “You might want these.”

  “Thanks.” She plucked her keys out of her coat pocket and led the way out the door.

  “I’ll follow you into town, then find a place to get the shake once we get close. I’ll meet you at her room.”

  Brittney nodded as she swung into the driver’s seat and started the engine. Hang on Gracie. I’m coming.

  Brittney steeled herself as she walked into the room. As usual, there were no parents in sight. “Hey, Gracie.”

  Weak from fighting the lymphoma, she barely turned her head on the pillow. “Hey, B. Where’s Ryan?”

  “He stopped to get a chocolate milkshake.”

  “He remembered?”

  “Of course he did.” Brittney glanced at the nearly empty urine bag and picked up the chart. Less than 70mL all day. The monitors showed her O2 stats down to 75 and the EKG pulsed with longer, more erratic intervals.

  “I brought you a picture,” said Brittney. She held up a three by five photo.

  Grace’s face lit up. “You are beautiful! No wonder he likes to look at you.”

  “Who?”

  “Ryan.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “When he was here yesterday, he looked at you a whole lot more than he looked at me.”

  “Really?” Brittney couldn’t believe she was having this conversation with Grace. “How about we change the subject? How about you tell me what you saw today?”

  “A new boy came in sometime last night. I think maybe he’s the same age as me.”

  “When did you see him?”

  “They took him for some tests this morning just after breakfast.”

  “Can I come in?” said Ryan from the door. He peered with great exaggeration up and down the hall behind him, then in a stage whisper, he said, “I have contraband.”

  Grace smiled at him. “What’s contraband?”

  Brittney leaned in close. “It’s something you’re not supposed to have.”

  Grace’s eyes lit up. “Is it chocolate?”

  “Well, I wouldn’t swear to it,” said Ryan, bringing it from behind his back, “but it does have a suspicious brown color. And I believe I saw the very expert milkshake maker put an extra helping of chocolate syrup into it. Are you up to eating some?”

  “Yeah.”

  Brittney adjusted Grace’s bed up a little while Ryan opened the plastic spoon and pulled the lid off the cup. He dipped the spoon into the ice cream and offered Grace a small bite.

  “Oh, yum. That’s really good.”

  Brittney watched amazed at how well Ryan interacted with Gracie. Saving her from the embarrassment of admitting how weak she was, he patiently fed the little girl as much as she wanted. He had her laughing about a ridiculously dressed woman at the ice cream shop and a man in the lobby with a big nose. Before Brittney knew it, shift change was over, and Nicole was knocking on the door.

  “How are things going in here?” said Nicole.

  “Hi, Nicole,” said Grace.

  “Hey, sweet girl. How are you feeling?”

  “I’m a little tired.”

  “Do you want your bed down a little?” said Nicole.

  “No,” said Grace. “Not yet.”

  Nicole got busy checking lines, wires and vitals, making notations on the chart, and watching the monitors. After a few minutes, she looked at Brittney. She didn’t need Nicole’s confirmation that Gracie was probably down to her last hours.

  “I’ll be at the desk if you need anything, sweetheart,” said Nicole to Grace. Before walking out of the room, she closed the blinds on the hall window most of the way. “Just to give you
some privacy,” she said to Brittney. “Call if you need anything.” Brittney nodded and watched Nicole walk out the door.

  “You know what I miss?” said Grace.

  “What?” said Ryan.

  “I miss cuddling with my mom while we watch TV.”

  Brittney swallowed hard as she walked closer to Gracie. Such a simple thing, cuddling. The loving touch of another person that most people took for granted.

  “My mom’s not brave like you, B,” said Grace. “She scares easy.”

  I’ve been right all along about this young mother, thought Brittney. She’s scared and weak, and instead of encouraging her, instead of loaning her some of my strength, I judged her. Father, forgive me!

  “Don’t be sad, B,” said Grace. “You’re going to be okay.” She looked at Ryan. “You found someone who’s strong like you.”

  Brittney looked at Ryan, the tears barely kept under control. He searched her eyes, asking unspoken questions, then reached out for her gloved hand. Brittney squeezed hard, relying for the moment on his strength.

  Brittney came to a decision. “I’ll be right back, Gracie.”

  Brittney walked out to the nurse’s station, pulled off her gloves, and dialed the number for Grace’s mom at the Ronald McDonald House. “Hi, this is Brittney Yager, one of your daughter’s nurses.”

  “Yes?” said the young mother fearfully on the other end of the phone line.

  “Ma’am, your daughter’s kidneys are failing.”

  “I… I know.”

  Brittney struggled to maintain her professionalism. “She may not live through the night.”

  The quiet on the other end of the phone was only broken by small sniffles and the background noise of other residents at the Ronald McDonald house.

  Brittney continued to reach out to her. “Wouldn’t you like to come sit with her for a bit?” Brittney paused, waiting.

  “Okay,” said the mother at last. “I’ll be right over.”

  When Grace’s mother arrived, Brittney helped her into the isolation garments. They walked into the room and found Ryan sitting close to Grace’s head, watching cartoons with her. Grace barely turned her head to see who had entered her room.

  “Mommy,” she said weakly. “You came back.”

  “Why don’t I help you crawl into bed beside her?” said Brittney softly, guiding the hesitant woman forward and willing her voice not to crack.