LizAnne

by Peggy Briggs Hannah

  “You weren’t listening, Richard, otherwise what Eddie said would have made perfect sense to you.”

  “The day Ed Christie makes any sense to me is the day I check myself into the Ed Christie No-Sense Psychiatric Hospital. Furthermore, LizAnne, if Ed Christie becomes the next Governor of this great state, I will personally see to it that this state becomes its own country. Yahoo!”

  “And I suppose you’ll want to be king?”

  Richard leaned over putting his hands on each side of my chair. “Absolutely, LizAnne. I absolutely want to be king.” Our faces were just inches apart and our gaze held for several seconds until my cell phone started ringing.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “You’re not supposed to be calling me. Is he supposed to be calling me, Richard?”

  “Hang up, LizAnne, he’s not supposed to be calling you.”

  “Yes, your speech was very good.”

  “LizAnne! Hang up!”

  “Yes, Eddie, you looked very handsome. Yes, you know I always liked you in that suit, however, you should have worn a red or blue tie, more presidential. No, Eddie, I’ve told you time and time again, that bright orange tie doesn’t do anything for your complexion.”

  “Hang up your phone, LIzAnne!”

  “Yes, I thought myriad was a very good choice of words, however, self-abomination, Eddie, I’m not sure what that means, could you spell it? Oh, okay, never mind, I don’t think I could either.”

  “LizAnne, give me your phone!”

  “I’m sorry, Eddie, Richard wouldn’t let me…just call one of those maid services in the morning…Eddie, it’s Sunday, the liquor stores aren’t open…Eddie, just call that chicken place, you love that chicken and…”

  “LizAnne, give me your damn phone!”

  “I have to go now, Eddie, bye.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “Come on, LizAnne, let’s take Ruby for a walk before it gets too dark.”

  “Yes, Richard, that sounds nice.”

  “And, LizAnne, we’re going to have a nice little talk.”

  “About what?”

  “You!”

  “What about me?”

  “Come on, Ruby!” Richard yelled for Ruby and I had a feeling he was going to be yelling at me as well.

  “What about me, Richard?”

  “You and your choice of men…Ed Christie, Jonathan Strong.”

  “Jonathan Strong?”

  “Yeah, LizAnne, remember the pig you went out with?”

  “Almost went out with, and besides, Richard, at least I’m trying to get back out there, I don’t see you with any dates.”

  “I have my career and I have my daughters, LizAnne, that’s enough for me.”

  “Oh, excuse me, Richard, I thought two or three times a night was enough for you!”

  “LizAnne, I should never have told you that.” Richard was looking a little embarrassed.

  “Well, you did, and now you expect me to believe your work and your girls are all you need.”

  “That’s right, LizAnne, believe it or not,” Richard replied with confidence.

  “Well, I don’t believe it. Hey, Richard, why don’t you let me set you up with one of my friends?”

  “No, thank you, LizAnne.” He emphasized his words.

  “Why not?”

  “I said no.” Emphasizing again.

  “Come on, Richard, I’ll make the two of you a nice dinner, poolside, of course, and then I’ll disappear.”

  “LizAnne, I said no.” That time he put a sing-song tone to his word ‘no’.

  As if I hadn’t heard a word he said, “I know, Helen Horowitz. She’s recently divorced, has three boys under the age of twelve, joint custody with her ex-husband, and she’s a lot of fun. I’ll call her when we get home.”

  “I said no, LizAnne, why are you having a difficulty with that?”

  “Let me see if I still have her number on my phone…oh, yeah, here it is.”

  “Do not call Helen Horowitz, I have no intention of having dinner with her.”

  “Okay, then how about Deborah Daffin, now I know you’ll like her. She’s not as much fun as Helen but that’s only because of her back problems but her new medication seems to be helping…”

  “LizAnne, no!” He screamed.

  “You know what, Richard?”

  “Not another one of your friends, LizAnne, please,” Richard pleaded with his voice.

  “No, Richard, there is no such person as Helen Horowitz or Deborah Daffin, I just wanted to prove my point.”

  Richard raised his eyebrows. “And, what was your point?”

  “I don’t know, I forget…come on, Sweet Ruby, let’s run. Oh, wait, Richard, I just remembered my point. My point, Richard, is you’re scared of women.”

  “I am not scared of women,” Richard objected.

  “Yes you are, you’ve only been with one woman your entire life and now you’re scared of having any type of relationship with another woman.”

  “Thank you, Dr. LizAnne, how much do I owe you?”

  “Nothing, Richard, you were the fourth caller and the fourth caller receives free advice.”

  “You’re hilarious, LizAnne.” Richard whispered in a monotone voice

  “Thank you, fourth caller.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “How’s your oatmeal, Richard?”

  “LizAnne, I really hate oatmeal,” Richard whined. “Can’t I have some bacon and eggs this morning, I really have a tough morning ahead of me. Besides, LizAnne, I’ve been thinking and you really made a lot of sense yesterday, you know, about my being afraid of women. Therefore, LizAnne, I’ve decided to have dinner with Helen Horowitz.”

  I did a double take. “Richard, there is no Helen Horowitz.”

  “Okay then, Deborah Daffin.”

  Another double take. “Richard, I told you, I just made those two women up to make a point.”

  “So what are you saying, LizAnne, I can’t have dinner with Helen Horowitz or Deborah Daffin?”

  I rolled my eyes. “See, Richard, you never listen to me, and that’s the first thing you need to learn about women, you have to listen to them when they speak.”

  Richard looked up from his oatmeal with a smirk on his face. “I’m sorry, LizAnne, what were you saying?”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “Hello, Richard, nice day at the office? Richard, I’d like you to meet my dear friend, Linda Lively, she’s going to be joining you, I mean us, for dinner. Say hello to Linda, Richard.”

  “Uh, hello, Linda.” Uncomfortable was the word to describe Richard as he loosened his tie and pulled at his shirt collar.

  “Well, hellooo, Ricky. It is without a doubt my honor and pleasure, and I do mean pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

  Still pulling at his collar. “Uh, LizAnne, may I see you in the kitchen?”

  “No.” I stated firmly. “Now, Linda, what can Richard, I mean Ricky get for you in the way of a refreshing beverage?”

  “Oh, I always get refreshed after downing a couple of nice ice-cold malt liquors.”

  “Richard? Richard, a nice ice-cold malt liquor for Linda, please.”

  “LizAnne, I don’t think we have any…”

  “Nonsense, Richard, I picked up some of those nice ice-cold malt liquors you like so much at the liquor store this afternoon. Now Richard, why don’t you bring three of those nice ice-cold malt liquors, in glasses, of course…”

  Linda’s hands shot out in front of her, waving. “Oh no, Ricky, don’t get any more dishes dirty, I’ll just down mine right out of the can.”

  “Uh, LizAnne, I really need to see you in the kitchen, I think I smell something burning.”

  “Nothing’s burning, Richard, I mean Ricky, but I’ll check if it will make you feel better. You and Linda just relax in the living room and I’ll bring those two, I mean three nice ice-cold malt liquors. Oh wait, Richard, I mean Ricky, you better get those nice ice-cold malt liq
uors yourself, just two, I forgot I have to leave, I have a sick friend who needs me. Bye.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “Good morning, Richard, how was your evening with Linda Lively?” I was smiling although I knew I was near death.

  “Great, LizAnne, we’re going out again tonight.” Richard smiled and began whistling and my smile dropped to the floor. What was this I was feeling…I was trying to help him get over his fear of women…was I jealous?

  “Really? Another date tonight? That’s, uh, great.”

  “Oh, by the way, LizAnne, don’t worry about cleaning my bedroom today, I’ll pick it up when I get home this afternoon.”

  “Nonsense, Richard, I always clean the bedrooms and bathrooms…um, why would I skip your bedroom?” I asked hesitantly not wanting to know the answer.

  Richard began chuckling, waving his hand around, and I found myself not recognizing Richard or his voice. “Well, it’s just that Linda wasn’t able to find a few of her things when she left last night, and I don’t, you know, want to embarrass her. Oh and, LizAnne, the dinner you made for us last night really looked good, but after Linda and I downed several of those nice ice-cold malt liquors we just couldn’t eat a thing, but thanks anyway.”

  Still trying to hide my…whatever I was feeling. “Oh, okay, Richard, I guess we’ll have leftovers tonight before you leave for your date.”

  “Oh sorry, LizAnne, Linda’s cooking dinner for me.” Still smiling and waving his hands around.

  “Oh, okay, Richard, I guess I’ll be dining alone.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry, LizAnne.” Richard pouted his lips. “I’m sure Linda would love for you to join us.”

  “No thanks, Richard, I wouldn’t want to interfere with…”

  Richard cut me off. “Okay, that’s good, LizAnne, now I’ve gotta run.”

  Holding my hand in front of me with my index finger pointed straight up, I protested. “But, Richard, we haven’t had breakfast yet.”

  “I’m having breakfast with Linda, gotta run.” Before opening the back door, Richard turned around to face me, walked towards me, and began to sound like himself again. “LizAnne?”

  “What, Richard, you and Linda are getting married at lunch?” I half-heartedly teased.

  Richard placed both of his hands on my shoulders. “LizAnne, I don’t know where you were last night but you didn’t have to stay out until 10:30, I took Linda home fifteen minutes after you left.”

  “I told you, Richard, I have a sick friend who needed…” I stopped. “Why did you take her home so early?”

  “Doesn’t matter…now, do you need some help with our breakfast?” Richard smiled and touched my cheek.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “LizAnne, why are you and Ruby sitting on the side of the road?”

  I smiled and waved. “Oh, good afternoon, Richard, you’re on your way home early I see.”

  Richard repeated his question with more emphasis on each word. “LizAnne, why are you and Ruby sitting on the side of the road?”

  “Well, let’s see, my friendly passing motorist, Ruby and I went for a walk and I tripped on a rock and I think the lower half of my body is broken so I was waiting on the first passing motorist to come by with aid and it looks like you won, although I was hoping the next passing motorist would be an ambulance.”

  I knew Richard’s concerned look was genuine. “Oh, Honey, are you okay?”

  “Honey, Richard?” I asked, emphasized the word ‘honey’.

  “I meant LizAnne.” And he emphasized the word ‘meant’. “Now, where does it hurt, do I need to carry you?”

  “No, I think if you’ll just help me get up I’ll be okay, my foot’s a little swollen.”

  “Oh, yeah, I can see that. LizAnne, let’s go down to that emergency medical clinic and have them take a look at it.”

  “Okay, Honey, I mean Richard, whatever you say.” Richard and I smiled at each other.

  “Come on, let’s get you and Ruby in the car.”

  “Thank you, passing motorist.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “Are you not able to get dressed this morning because of your foot?” Richard asked walking into the kitchen.

  “What, Richard?”

  “Well, LizAnne, you’re cooking breakfast in a tiny little robe.” Richard cleared his throat. “I mean you’re cooking breakfast in your robe and normally you’re always dressed when we have breakfast.”

  I turned back to tend to my cooking. “Oh, I thought I would take a skinny dip after breakfast, and after you leave for work, of course. I thought a nice dip in the pool might help my foot feel better, and I am a little sore all over from yesterday’s fall.”

  “A skinny dip?”

  I turned back around to see Richard tugging at his collar. “Yes, do you mind?”

  Richard began babbling. “Oh, no, not at all, if you think it will make you feel better…all over…you know…feel better…all over…every part of your…and your foot, too.” Richard cleared his throat. “Yes, LizAnne, I think a skinny dip is an excellent idea.”

  “Oh, okay, Richard, if you think it’s an excellent idea, then skinny dip it is.” And I turned back to check my breakfast…smiling.

  “So, I have to ask, LizAnne, are you wearing your skinny dipping attire underneath that robe right now?” Richard asked in a light-hearted manner.

  “Richard!” I teased.

  “I’m sorry, LizAnne, just forget I said that…I asked that…never mind…I’m sorry…I apologize.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “Oh my God, Richard, what are you doing back home?”

  “Oh my God, LizAnne, I’m so sorry, I forgot about your, you know, plans.”

  “My plans for a skinny dip, Richard?”

  “I’m so sorry, LizAnne, I just forgot.”

  “Sure you did.”

  “No really, my mind is on a client I have coming this morning, and I left some papers upstairs in my office which I need for this meeting, and…”

  “So, Richard, why not go upstairs and get these papers you need for your meeting and stop staring at me.”

  “Oh, right, LizAnne, sorry, I’ll be right back down and you can continue with your…”

  “Would you hand me that towel, Richard?”

  “Oh sure, LizAnne.”

  I swam over to the side of the pool and began climbing up the ladder.

  “LizAnne, what are you doing?” Richard asked nervously.

  “Richard, the towel?”

  “Oh, yeah, sure, LizAnne.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Sure, LizAnne, any time.”

  “Richard, your papers?”

  “Oh…yeah…right…my…um… papers…yeah…right…papers.”

  “Upstairs in your office, Richard.”

  “Oh…yeah…upstairs…office…”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “Oh, hello, Richard, is everything okay? Well, you’ve never called me before. Yes, I’m feeling much better, that’s very kind of you to ask. Richard, it’s okay, it was just…it’s okay. No, you didn’t embarrass me. Richard, please stop worrying, you didn’t embarrass me. Lunch? Oh, sure, Richard, I can make you a sandwich…oh, out for lunch? No, it’s just that it’s a surprise, I didn’t know you stopped for lunch, much less took time to take your maid out for lunch. Sorry, Richard, housekeeper. Maxine’s? Richard, that’s a pretty fancy place, I thought you meant a hamburger or a hotdog. Okay, I’ll be ready.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “You look very pretty, LizAnne.” Richard commented with a pleasant tone.

  “Thank you, Richard.”

  “Is that a new dress?”

  “I hardly had time to run out and get myself a new dress before our lunch date, Richard.”

  “I’m sorry, LizAnne, I was just trying to make conversation.” Richard replied with irritation. “Okay, let’s try this.”

  “Try what, Richard?” I asked impatiently.

  His pleasant voi
ce returned. “So, LizAnne, what have you been doing this morning?”

  “Skinny dipping, Richard, remember?” I teased.

  “I meant…” Richard explained with the emphasis on ‘meant”. “What have you been doing around the house this morning since your skinny dip?”

  “Oh, I haven’t been home.” I responded matter-of-factly.

  “Thank you, waiter. Oh, so you’ve been grocery shopping?”

  “No.” I said politely while studying the restaurant’s décor.

  “Shopping for something for the house?” Richard asked again, a little agitation growing in his tone of voice.

  “No.” I continued looking around at the restaurant’s décor.