“Hey! Rebel Desire has made a name for itself, and we’re still levelheaded guys.”
“Most of the time,” I tease.
“It’s good to see you smile, Bri.” Cole nods, pensive.
“Yeah,” I respond awkwardly.
After a few seconds of silence, I say, “You know, when Josh died, there was nothing for me. No note or message. Some soldiers leave something for their loved ones in the case that something does happen to them. Not Josh. I got no final words. Instead of making me upset, that showed me he had no real intention of putting himself in unnecessary danger. He wanted to survive. I didn’t get the last goodbye—most times in life, we don’t—but I got a lot of wonderful hellos.” I wipe a few tears rolling down my cheek.
“Wise words. I’m glad to hear you aren’t blaming him anymore.”
“It was one time and I was upset, broken.”
Cole shakes his head. “Not broken. Things that are broken have lost their utility. You still have so much to offer. You may be a little twisted up in grief, but you’re whole.”
“When did Cole become so insightful?”
“Always have been.”
“But you hide it behind the band name and sex appeal.”
Cole cocks an eyebrow and shifts on the couch, his forgotten ice cream melting away. What a waste.
“I don’t hide it. I keep it mostly to myself.”
“You should share it with the world more often. Could do some good for people. How’s your family?”
Curiosity about Cole and who he is behind the drummer status peaks. Ever since Jen and Ryder’s wedding, he’s been more attentive about how I’m doing.
“They’re good.” He shrugs.
“How are they? Do you see them often? Do you have a good relationship?”
“Yeah. We’re a normal family.”
“There’s no such thing as ‘normal family.’”
“You know what I mean. My mom and pop are still married thirty-some odd years later. My brother and I get along. He lives in Chicago.”
“Who’s older?”
“I am, by a year.”
“That’s great. I’m an only child, so the closest thing I have to a sibling is Liv. We’ve been like sisters for as long as I can remember. Honestly, I’m not sure where I’d be without her right now. I remember calling her after the home visit. I could barely get a word out, and in less than fifteen minutes she was at my door.” I fight back tears as the memory invades my mind. One stubborn tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away. Cole looks at me tight-lipped, and squeezes my knee.
“It’s okay, Bri. You’re lucky to have her.” I nod and take a few deep breaths.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to get emotional.” I rub my palms down my thighs, the material of my yoga pants stretching with the force of my hands.
“Bri.” Cole stops my hands. Anxiety has been eating at me lately. “There’s nothing to apologize for. I get it. I don’t know what I would do some days without Cash, Ryder and Jason, and I haven’t lost someone close to me.”
“Yeah,” is all I say, and I stand to throw out our ice cream cartons.
“What’s your favorite memory with Josh?” Cole asks when I sit back down. I look at him with wide eyes. “It might help. You know, to talk about him and remember the good. I don’t know, I must have read it somewhere.”
“I have a lot. It was years of relationship, so it’s hard to narrow it down. I do have one that stands out the most though. We had just argued about something. I can’t remember what it was now, but I’m stubborn so it was probably something stupid that I got upset about.” Cole’s chuckle interrupts me. I squint at him, and he smiles in apology.
“Anyway, I was at his apartment at the time. We were still in college. He laughed the entire time I explained why I was mad. When I narrowed my eyes and asked him what was so funny, he said that I was adorable and there was no way he was ever spending another minute of his life without me. I realized then that the stupid twenty-year-old was focusing on the wrong things. Why focus on flaws when there is so much beauty to be grateful for?”
“So true,” he nods.
“It might not seem like the most romantic or epic memory, but it was a real moment in our relationship. It defined us. At that moment, we both fell a little in love.”
“That wasn’t too hard, right?” Cole offers a small smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. I shake my head.
“Thank you.” I give him a side hug.
“Anytime you need me,” he responds. “I’m going to get going. Early morning and all that good stuff tomorrow. Bri, you should come to one of our shows soon. Just for a while. It will do you good to get out and start getting back into your life. Baby steps. I know Liv and Jen will be ecstatic to have you there. We’d be pretty stoked, too.”
“I’ll think about it.” I will. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I do need to start living again a little each day.
I lock the door behind him and change into pajamas before lying on my back in bed.
“Hey, babe. Are you there? I read in an article that it helps to talk to the people we lose. It might sound crazy. You might even be laughing at me.” I roll onto my side, facing his side of the bed, and get more comfortable.
“But I miss you. So fucking much, so I’ll try anything. I hate having your side of the bed empty.” I reach over and gently run my fingers where he used to lay his body. “But I want you to know that I’m not angry. I can’t be. I have no right to. You sacrificed your life to save a friend. My hero. It still hurts, though. I still miss you every day. Yeah, my friends are helping. When I let them. Our families, too, but it’s taking me a little longer to accept that you’re gone.” I breathe deeply, laying my head on my hands.
“Work is good. I haven’t really done much but work and destroy our home. Sorry again for breaking that frame with our picture. I started seeing a therapist. She’s nice. Says she’ll help me overcome your death, so I can keep living after you. I don’t know how to live without you, but I guess I have to. When I said ’til death do us part,’ I thought we’d be old and die together like in The Notebook. Didn’t think I’d have to lay you to rest so soon. It feels like I still have a lifetime before I can see you again. Had I known it would end like this, I would’ve hugged you a little tighter and kissed you a little longer.”
“The other night I spoke to Josh. Well, not him, his ghost. Shit. I sound crazy.”
“Bri,” Liza interrupts me and waits for me to look at her. She continues once my eyes meet hers. “I think that is a great technique. It is helpful for your grieving process to still acknowledge Josh and share things with him. It is also important to accept that he is gone.”
“I get it. He won’t talk back.” Now I interrupt her. She chuckles lightly. “Inappropriate?” I ask her.
“No.” Liza shakes her head. “But it is necessary for you to remember that though it is healthy to talk it out because it will help you move on, it is healthier to spend time with people who care about you. A support system is imperative during a time like this.”
“I know. It just came out the other night. Well, I had read an article about talking to the person you lost. I didn’t put much thought into it, but after a friend left my house and I went to bed, it just came out.”
“And it’s a wonderful technique to use. Josh was the most important person in your life when he passed. It will take some time before you fully disconnect from that physical connection.” Liza pauses and hands me a tissue. “Why are you crying?”
I smile sadly. “I know I have to, but I don’t want to disconnect from Josh. I can’t.”
“Bri, I know it’s difficult losing someone you love. It’s the process of life. Sometimes we lose people prematurely, other times we are more prepared. However, we have to understand and accept that the person has departed and we have not. We must continue to live. You have dreams you want to accomplish, and you can’t deny yourself that because Josh is gone.”
I know she’s rig
ht, but I find it hard to live out dreams he and I both had. The things I wanted all included a life with him—kids, travel plans, matching rocking chairs. Now I need to reassess my life? No, reassess my goals. What does post-Josh-Bri want?
Nothing.
“It may take some time to go back to being just Bri, but you will do so empowered. We keep changing throughout life because of our experiences and the people we meet, so it’s normal that we find it difficult to separate ourselves from our relationships. Let’s start small. Tell me three things you would like to incorporate into your life.”
“Umm…” I pause, thinking about her question. Three things can’t be that difficult to come up with. Surely, there are more than three things I want to experience. “I’d like to learn how to make chocolate soufflé.”
“Okay. Two more things,” Liza encourages me.
“That have nothing to do with Josh?”
“This isn’t about it having to do with Josh or not. This is about what you want to do in your life. Maybe it was something Josh would have enjoyed as well, but it is ultimately for you.”
I pause again, sorting through things I would like to do at some point in my life. Everyone has a bucket list, so why can’t I access mine now?
“I want to plant an herb garden and maybe get a dog.”
“Those are wonderful things. Here comes the homework.” Liza laughs softly when she sees my reaction. “Yes, homework, but it’s easy. Start with one of these. Maybe wait on the dog, since that is a bigger commitment. Make sure your schedule allows for it. Animals are intuitive, so having a pet will definitely be a positive in your life. The weekend is coming, so you could download a recipe for soufflé or buy a couple of herbs and plan where you want to plant your herb garden.”
“Thank you, Liza. I can start with that.” Incorporating tasks into my routine will help keep me busy and offer something to look forward to.
I schedule my next appointment, with a promise that I will have an update on at least one of these things, and head home.
What the fuck?
I knock on Bri’s door again and the unmistakable sound of a bark screeches from the other side. Bri finally swings the door open and a tiny fur ball yaps at me.
“Uh…” I scratch the side of my head where my ball cap ends. “Are you dog-sitting?”
“Nope!” Her eyes twinkle.
I widen my eyes and nod slowly. “Okay. So, is this creature yours?”
“Don’t insult Dixie. If you have a problem with her, you have a problem with me.” She crosses her arms, and I hide the smile wanting to be set free as I watch her defend her new pup.
“No problem.” I hold my hands up in surrender but smile. This woman. Fuck, it’s good to see her smile. “So, you got a dog?”
“Yup! I met with my therapist a couple days ago, and we discussed things I’d like to do in life. You know, after Josh. One of the things I mentioned was get a dog. I was supposed to wait on that one until I was sure I could commit, but then I saw a man selling puppies on my way to Home Depot, and I couldn’t walk away without her.”
Bri is talking a mile a minute, making me dizzy with her words, but I can’t help the smile that broadens on my face. I sit on the sofa, the little thing sniffing my shoes and barking up at me.
“What were the other things you planned to do?” I look up at Bri while the dog claws at my shoes.
“An herb garden, which you interrupted. Thanks to Dixie’s barking I came inside to see what was going on.” She puts her hands on her hips.
“That explains the muddy knees,” I point out, but don’t stop from eyeing her lean legs. Whatever has gotten into her, I like it. This is the Bri I knew. The Bri with fire in her veins.
“Yeah. Okay, well I gotta get back to the plants. You can come outside if you want.” The speed of her words and her bopping around have me blinking slowly.
Bri bounces off toward the back door that leads to her patio, the little monster behind her. When I get outside, I see dirt everywhere, holes dug in a corner, the hoe dripping water. Bri’s movements are fast and anxious. She doesn’t speak as she lines the plants in the holes she dug.
“Do you need help?” I finally ask after staring at her.
“Nope! I’m good.” She pats the dirt around the plants she just placed and hops to her feet.
“Bri?”
“Yeah.” She whips her head around to look at me.
“Are you okay?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” She begins watering her new plants; I watch Dixie sniff them. “Dixie out!” She yells at her new companion.
“It’s just that…” How do I say this without offending her? “You seem a little excited.” Bri tilts her head and looks at me with furrowed brows. “A little anxious maybe? Did you drink anything?”
“Like what, Cole?”
“I don’t know. I’m just saying.”
“No, I didn’t. It’s daytime. I’m not an alcoholic. So, I’m excited I have a new pet and doing something different. Is that a sin?”
That’s when it clicks. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” I soften. These things are supposed to help her cope, but Bri is trying too hard to be distracted. “Tell me more about Dixie. What kind of dog is she?”
“A Cockapoo.” I cough, holding in my laughter. “Your mind is in the gutter,” Bri says, but she’s also trying to hold her laughter.
“And you named her Dixie?” I emphasize the X.
“Ugh!” She rolls her eyes. “Just let me have this.” She looks up at the sky then back down at Dixie when she barks again. That thing never shuts up.
“You’re right. Sorry. I think it’s great. She’ll keep you company. This is good, Bri.”
“Thanks.” Her shoulders slump, the tension leaving her body. I see the change instantly. From carefree and bouncing around to somber.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“I know, Cole. It’s difficult, you know. I’m trying. So damn hard. But I’m not sure how much this will actually help. A garden? A dog? Are these things supposed to keep my mind busy so I never think about what happened?”
“It’s not so you don’t think about it. They will help you move forward. Give you something to do, create a routine.”
“Yeah. Liza says it will help to get back to doing things I enjoy. To be Bri again, not Bri and Josh. I don’t know if that even makes sense or if it’s possible. I can’t go back.”
“No, but you can go forward. Be who you are and own it. Stay true to that person. The person you were even when you were with Josh. You’ve always been independent, Bri. Don’t let that die now.”
She nods her head and drops the tools she was using to work on her garden in a basket. “Want a drink?” She contradicts her earlier comment about not drinking during the daytime.
“Sure.”
I follow her inside. I want to be there for her, but I also want to hug her and hold her. I want to console her in a different way than a friend would. I want to pull Bri in, sniff her hair, and prove to her she can still be loved by someone. Only thing is, I’m not sure if she wants to be loved.
I hold back from grabbing her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze to comfort her. Fuck, I’m a loser. I gladly take the beer she hands me, grateful for the cool-down. I take in her mussed hair, dirt-stained top, and wide green eyes. Dixie is lying at her feet, finally quiet.
“She’s cute, right?” Bri looks down at the dog.
“Yeah. Loud as hell, but she’s cute.”
“She keeps me company, too. They told me she won’t shed much, which is great, and she’s not supposed to be this loud. I guess she’s adjusting to her new home.”
I smile as I enjoy the beer. Bri and I have fallen into this odd friendship where I show up at her place and she opens up to me about her deceased husband. All the while, I secretly crave to make her mine. It’s fucked up, but I have to make sure she knows she can count on me.
“Tell me about your herb garden.” I sit back on
the stool and listen attentively as she tells me about the basil, oregano, and parsley, her recent knowledge on caring for them, and the recipes she will use them for.
“What’s on the agenda for the rest of the weekend?” I ask her after she tells me all about her new hobbies.
“Besides gardening and taking care of my new dog?”
“Yeah,” I nod. “You can do more than that.”
“I know I can.” She rolls her eyes.
“So come to Riot tonight. See our show.”
“You ever going to stop asking?”
“When you go. Come on. It’ll be fun. Think about it. Liv and Jen will be there. We’ll be there. It will do you good to surround yourself with your friends.”
“I don’t know. I can’t leave Dixie alone.”
“The dog is supposed to help you move forward, not become another excuse to stay locked up.” I remind her.
Bri rolls her eyes, but nods. “Maybe.”
“Great. I’ll leave a ticket for you at the door in case you decide to come.” What she doesn’t know is that I’ve been leaving a ticket for her since I started asking her to come to one of our Riot performances.
“I make no promises.”
“Bri, you deserve to be happy.”
“Without him?”
“Yeah. You can still be happy. No one will fault you for it. You’d want Josh to be happy if the roles were reversed.”
“Actually—” I cut her off with a stare. “Relax. I was going to say that I wouldn’t think of roles being reversed. I just think of a life where he’s still here. Don’t give me that pity smile, Cole,” she snaps.
“Sorry.” I didn’t think I had actually expressed what I was thinking. “But you gotta accept your reality.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re not the first to tell me and won’t be the last. I get it. I’m trying.”
I leave it at that. I don’t want her to sulk after I leave and get caught up again in the cycle she was in before. I see some spark in her. I want to keep it lit.
“See you later.” I hop off the stool and throw out the bottle.
“Maybe,” she responds. I chuckle and give her a quick hug.
Love You Through It Page 5