“Bye, Bri.”
“Bye, Cole. Thanks for stopping by.”
Although the hug was much shorter than I would’ve liked, the feel of her frame in my arms fucks with my head.
“You guys ready?” Cash calls out.
“Yup,” we all respond.
“Let’s rock it, boys.”
We take our spots on stage, the drums calling me home. Last I checked, Bri hadn’t arrived, nor had she messaged me. I smile to myself as I remember her all messy today with that yapping puppy by her feet. Cash nods his head at me, and I get lost in our music. Sitting behind these drums, I am a creator of sound. We offer people an escape they crave, the perfect melody to an unforgettable night, and the rhythm needed for a good time.
Beats flow from my arms as the sticks strike each drum. Cash sings to the crowd, people cheering as we each get lost in the music for a little while. I know it’s the same for the rest of the guys. We each find solace doing what we love. When I’m here, everything else fades away—worries, stress, Bri, my guilt.
In a quick second, I notice Cash do a double take midway through the chorus and look back at me and smile when Ryder plays a guitar riff. I look out into the audience, my lips twisting up. I play harder than before throughout the rest of our set.
“You made it,” I walk up to Bri, who is standing with Olivia and Jen by the bar.
“I did.” Her smile catches me off guard.
“You got this to happen?” Olivia asks as she points her thumb over to Bri.
“Yup.” My pride is obvious through my smile.
“Good job,” Jen says and squeals when Ryder hugs her from behind, lifting her feet from the floor. She turns in his arms, and those two are gone, dancing in the crowd.
“Thanks, Cole,” Olivia says.
“We needed to get our girl out again.” I order a beer at the bar and ignore her squinted eyes.
“Hey, babe,” Cash says right on cue.
“You guys did great,” she responds and kisses him.
“Gotta show off for my girl.” Those two make me sick.
“You want a beer, Romeo?” I ask him.
“Sure thing.” I wouldn’t mind slapping that smug smile off his face. He turns to Bri. “Glad you came.”
“Sorry I missed the beginning, but you guys did put on a great show,” she tells him.
“Thanks.”
“Anyone else need something to drink?” I offer before closing my tab.
“We’re good,” Olivia responds and raises her full glass. Bri follows in suit. I drink my beer and watch as Liv and Bri talk for a while.
“Stop staring, man.” Cash squeezes my shoulder and chuckles. Asshole.
“I’m fucking crazy, aren’t I?”
“Nah, I get it, but you have to tread lightly with this one.”
“No shit.” I order another round of beers and relax into the night. I overhear Bri tell Olivia about Dixie and laugh when she grabs Bri’s phone to stare at the picture of the pup and squeal how cute she is.
Bri and my contact has been minimal throughout the night, but I’m happy to see her out of the house. It’s good to see her interacting with her friends again and smiling. She sighs and slumps back into the bar, slowly regressing. When I hear the song over the speakers it hits me.
“Shot?” I ask her as Cole Swindell’s “Middle of a Memory” plays throughout the space.
“Please.” She grins gratefully.
“Come dance with me?” Cash asks Liv.
“But…” Liv looks between him and Bri, concern lining her face.
“Cole will keep Bri company. Do you mind, Bri?”
“Not at all. Go have fun. I’m good here. A few more shots, and I might even join you,” she laughs.
I watch as they walk away from the bar toward the dancing patrons and get closer to Bri. I want to brush my fingers against her, have some kind of contact.
“I’m glad you came out.”
“Thanks, Cole. You’re right. I need more of this. I need more time with Liv and Jen. Time to recover what I’ve given up while I’ve been too busy missing Josh.”
“Step by step,” I tell her.
“I’ll drink to that.” She hits her glass to mine and sips her beer.
Bri and I talk while the others dance. Jason is nowhere to be found, and if I know that son of a gun he’s at the outdoor bar talking to the bartender that works the area. Ever since she started working here, he has been like a lost puppy aching to be wanted. Fuck, look who’s talking. I stare at the woman in front of me and sigh. I wish I were her fucking new puppy so I can sit on her lap while she touches me.
Creep.
I shake my head quickly and focus on what she’s saying about work. I think it’s cool that Bri works for the Nashville Sounds. Not many women I know will take a career in sports, and she loves it.
“What else do you have planned for the weekend?”
“I may tell Liv to come over tomorrow, and we can hang out since I’m having such a social weekend.”
“She’d like that. I know she misses seeing you.”
“I know.” Bri takes a deep breath. “I miss spending time with her, too, but I’ve been stuck.”
“Well, you got me to take you out of that.” I wrap an arm around her shoulder and she laughs.
“Yeah, yeah, wise guy.”
I want to tell her how beautiful she is, but I need to keep the lines defined.
Am I wasting my time staying by her side when she may never be ready to open up to someone else again?
She can’t stay single for the rest of her life. She’s only in her thirties. Hell, that wouldn’t be healthy.
“Come dance!” A breathless Olivia joins us. Before Bri can respond, Olivia is dragging her on the dance floor.
“She’s so happy Bri is here,” Cash says next to me. “Thanks for that.”
“Just wanted her to live a little.”
“You still checking in on her?” He asks with sincere curiosity.
“I can’t seem to stop.” It’s the honest fucking truth.
“Brother, you’re so screwed.” He claps my shoulder and orders us a round of shots and beer chasers. I’ll drink to that.
It has been an eternity since I’d gone out and spent time with Liv. I missed her. I missed Jen. Hell, I even missed the guys. As reluctant as I was to dancing, Olivia made sure I let go last night and just focused on the moment. I left Riot with a promise to have her over tomorrow. I owe Cole for the insistence in going.
Liv should be arriving any minute and I already have my chocolate soufflés in the oven. Mexican is on speed dial so we can order when she arrives, and the sangria is sitting pretty in the pitcher.
“I make no promises for soufflé, but I do promise sangria and TexMex,” I say as I open the door to her smiling face.
“I’d be happy with just the sangria.” She walks in and hugs me. “I brought cupcakes, just in case.” She holds up a bag.
“You’re supposed to believe in my baking skills.”
“I do, Bri, but soufflé is hard as shit to make.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” I nod, eyebrows raised. I read the instructions a bunch of times before settling down and mixing the ingredients.
“And if it’s edible, we’ll just eat both.” Liv shrugs her shoulders as if eating both desserts is a sacrifice.
“Sangria first?” I ask.
“Of course. Oh my God!” She yells when she sees Dixie. “She’s so freakin’ cute!” I laugh as she bends down to pet a wagging Dixie.
“Thanks. She is adorable. When I saw her, I knew I needed to get her. She’s been good company.”
“I’m glad. Dogs are great pets, and they’re intuitive.”
“That’s what Liza said.”
Liv stands and ignores Dixie’s quiet cry for more loving. “How is it going with her?”
“Good. I’ve only had a couple of sessions, but she knows what she’s talking about. I feel stronger.”
Oliv
ia hugs me tightly without another word. “Let’s get our drinks.”
We both take a seat on the counter in my kitchen, legs swinging, as we sip the cold cocktail. She tells me how things are going with Cash and the band. It seems as if they’re next album is coming along nicely. We talk about work and gossip. Now that Cash is a big name in the industry, Liv has met a lot more singers in the country music world. I love hearing her stories and getting the real scoop on the artists we admire. It feels good to have time with my best friend. I feel healthy.
“You know, Josh is probably up there laughing down at the two of us as we gossip,” she says.
I chuckle. “I’m sure he is.” A tear runs down the side of my eye. She gives my hand a gentle squeeze. It’s comforting, and while I wish he were here, I’m glad Liv is.
“I miss him.”
“I do, too, B.” We sit silently for a moment.
I jump off the counter as the beeping of the oven interrupts our moment. “Moment of truth.” I look over at Olivia before I grab the oven mitts. I laugh as I open the oven, staring at two flat soufflés.
“Let me see!” Olivia calls from her spot on the counter. I pull out the dishes from the oven and set them on the counter top.
“Aren’t they supposed to be puffed up?” Liv looks over at me, trying to hold her laughter.
“No shit. I followed the directions exactly as they stated.” I look at the dessert in disappointment.
“They still look good, though.” I nod in agreement, trying to figure out what I did wrong for the next time.
“Oh! I peeked into the oven right after I put them in. I wasn’t supposed to open the oven door.” I yell this almost to myself, hitting my forehead with the heel of my hand.
“I’ll still try it.” Liv shrugs.
“Of course you would. Anything chocolate and you’re a drooling mess,” I tease her.
“Ugh! Cash and I will never live that down. I blame Jen for telling y’all that story. How the hell she knows it is beyond me.”
“I thank her for it. About time you got a little dirty during sex.”
Olivia rolls her eyes, but I laugh. “Shall we order dinner?” I ask.
“Yes. Order me the steak tacos and get us guac. Or queso! You decide. I’ll make more sangria.”
I take the newly served glass from her after I hang up the phone and begin to fully relax. Dixie cries, so I let her out to the yard while I fill her bowl with food inside.
“So, how have the last couple of months been with Cash home all the time?” I ask her between bites of my taco.
“Good. We have our own routine that works. It may be odd to others, but we flow with it. I missed him while he was away.”
“I know.” I tease, rolling my eyes. Olivia stayed in Nashville during this last tour, despite Cash’s attempt to convince her to go. Though she missed him, I’m glad she was here. I don’t know what I would have done if my best friend wasn’t here when I got the news about Josh. We’ve been each other’s constants in life.
“It has been great having him back. I’ll probably go out for the next tour. Compromise, right?” She giggles.
I laugh along with her because Olivia loves touring with Rebel Desire. I do admire her focus and grounding when it comes to realizing they do have lives to live and jobs to do.
Olivia and I spend the rest of the night talking, eating dessert, and drinking sangria. I missed nights like this where my mind is free of the hold Josh’s death has had on me.
After she leaves, I cuddle into bed with Dixie at my feet, and face the center of the bed. I smile to myself, silently thanking God for Liv. Then, I close my eyes and talk to Josh. I wish he were here in bed holding me as I tell him about my day.
“How are you doing, sweetie? I worry about you. You’re too thin.” I stare into my mom’s concerned eyes and smile.
“I’m good.” I nod my head as if that would be more of a reassurance.
“Tell me how you’re really doing.” She grabs my hands and holds them steady. I give her a sad smile and lean back into the chair at the dining room table. I came over for dinner after work. It has been a couple of weeks since I’ve seen my parents, and I know how much they worry. They’re my lifelines and I know seeing them as often as possible makes this walk in life a little easier.
I catch her up on how things are going with Liza, my breakdowns, and finally going out and socializing. There’s no sense in hiding anything from my mom. She knows all of me. Even if I don’t tell her, her mother’s intuition would be spot on.
“Honey, I’m home.” I laugh at my dad’s greeting.
“Hey, Dad,” I say when he walks into the dining room.
“Hi, sweetie. I’m glad you’re here.” He drops a kiss on the top of my head before kissing my mom. “What are you girls up to?”
“Just talking,” my mom speaks up.
“Do I bring some wine?” My dad asks, and we both say yes at the same time.
Wine in hand, my dad asks me about work. I update him on the Sounds and what we’re currently working on for the team’s marketing. My dad loves to hear about my job. It’s a weird request, but it makes him proud that I chose to work for a sports team—minor league and all.
“Have you spoken to Catherine and Bill? How are they doing?” my mom asks.
“I went to dinner not too long ago. They’re okay. They seem to be getting by a little stronger each day.”
“And how about you?” I look at my dad’s concerned furrow. I shrug in response and finish my glass of wine.
“Some days better than others.”
“We know how difficult this time has been, but you’re a fighter. You were born that way. I know you’ll bounce back from this a stronger and wiser person.”
“Who knows,” I respond. Right now, I don’t see how I’ll be wiser.
“Your dad’s right, Bri. We’re here at whatever time of day you need us. We miss Josh, too, but we can’t imagine what you’re going through. I only hope that you’re grateful each day for the time you did have with him.”
I smile sadly and nod. “Yeah,” I lie. I’ve been too busy cursing the universe for taking him from me to take the time to give thanks for the life I did have with him. It wasn’t enough time.
“Let’s eat!” My dad says suddenly, standing from the table to walk into the kitchen. It’s his attempt to lighten the mood. I follow him and my mom, grabbing plates and utensils to set the table while my mom grabs the casserole from the oven and my dad refills our glasses of wine.
“Let’s talk about something else. Anything else,” I tell them as we eat.
Mom tells me about work and Dad shares anecdotes from his latest golf day. We talk about new television shows and expanding my herb garden.
Once I get home and let Dixie out for a bit, I cuddle in bed with her by my side instead of my feet and think about what my mom said. She’s right. I do need to be more grateful for the time I had with Josh. We built a life together, memories that will last me a lifetime. I can’t forget that. When the pain of losing him becomes unbearable, I have to remember the laughs we shared and the love that we harvested.
I close my eyes and think of Josh. I think of the good and the hard. I smile at the memories that race behind my eyelids, and I thank the heavens for bringing him into my life. I will say, I would rather feel this pain that swallows me than to have lived never knowing what made Josh smile. His smiling face consumes my thoughts as I fall asleep pretending he’s holding me all night long.
I haven’t been this excited for a weekend in a long time. Maybe excited isn’t the right word, but I am looking forward to it. With Dixie’s help, I can say that I am happy some days simply being at home by myself. Cash and Olivia invited me over to dinner, and although I was out with them last weekend, I told them I was staying in. I have spent more time this week working on my emotions and “speaking” to Josh. It has helped to not feel so alone, but when I wake up each morning and reach for his side of the bed, the pain of my reality s
till stings.
I bought more ingredients for my second attempt at making chocolate soufflé. This time I will master it. And devour it. Hell, I’ll devour both. I change as soon as I get home and go out into the yard with Dixie. I inhale the crisp, fall air as I watch her sniff patches of grass before she decides which one she wants to pee on. She runs to my feet, demanding my attention, but my gaze is too busy admiring the falling sun as it burns down the sky.
Maybe I’ll sit out here tonight with a glass of wine while the soufflés bake.
Dixie’s barking grabs my attention and I squat down to pet her. “Sorry, girl. I got lost in my mind.” Petting her instantly eases me. I take one last look around my yard and walk in. After washing my hands in the kitchen, I open the recipe on my tablet and read carefully, making sure I don’t miss any steps.
My mind stays focused on measuring and mixing, forgetting the world around me, until a knock at my door startles me. Dixie barks in response by my feet.
Talk about being completely engrossed in my baking.
I’m torn between letting the person on the other side of the door stay outside until I’m done or risking the batter getting ruined while I see who’s hollering. I figure two seconds won’t do anything to the consistency. It’s not as if I’ve already stuck it in the oven and removed it.
I jog to the door and look through the peephole.
“Hi,” I say as I open the door.
“Hey.” Cole smirks. “Are you busy?”
“I’m making chocolate soufflés.”
I laugh when he raises his eyebrows. “It’s the third thing I told Liza I wanted to do. I had never made them but always wanted to try. It’s a tricky dessert to bake, and my first attempt was average, at best.”
“Okay. That’s like a chocolate cake?”
“Kinda, but it puffs in the center and is gooey. Come in, I gotta finish so I can put them in the oven. I’m determined to get it right.”
I hear Cole’s chuckle behind me, but hurry to finish mixing, so I can put them in to bake. Once I pour the batter into the dishes, I wipe the edge like the instructions say to do. I take a deep breath and place them in the oven. Once the door shuts, Cole speaks.
Love You Through It Page 6