Love You Through It

by Francisco, Fabiola

  “Nice song. I didn’t want to distract you. You looked real into that baking stuff.”

  “Song?” I furrow my eyebrows.

  “You were humming,” he points out. I hadn’t even realized I was doing that. “One of our songs.”

  “Oh. Well, you guys make good music, so it doesn’t surprise me. Drink?” I shrug it off as no big deal. I am a big fan of their music, and I listen to it often, even when I’m home and searching through my playlists.

  “Sure.”

  “I only have wine. Is that fine?” I shrug. I know the guys tend to drink beer more often than anything else.

  “Yeah.”

  “My plan was to sit outside on the patio while they bake. Do you mind?”

  “Not at all. It’s a nice evening.”

  I nod in agreement and walk outside toward the round table I have out there. It has been almost a year since I’ve sat out here.

  “How was your week?” Cole asks.

  “Good. Working hard since the season ended about a month ago. It’s always back to the drawing board. What worked, what didn’t. How can we get more ticket sales.”

  “You ever go to the games?”

  “Sometimes. I used to go more often. Josh loved it. We went to a game right before he left.”

  Cole gives me a lopsided grin. “Must be fun. I’m more of a football fan, but everyone loves the all-American sport of baseball. It’s in our blood I think.”

  “I agree. I love the sport. It’s the main reason I work for the Sounds instead of doing marketing for another company.”

  “Did you grow up going to their games?”

  “Kinda. My dad would take me sometimes, but he’s also more of a football fan. Vols alum and all that. I’d watch baseball games on TV whenever I’d catch them.”

  “That’s cool. I don’t know many women who enjoy a ball game.”

  I shrug and smile. “How was your week?”

  “Good. We recorded this week. A few phone interviews.”

  “Cash has written a lot of new songs?” I half tease, knowing he’s a sap.

  “Yeah. We all have,” Cole says, catching me by surprise.

  “All?”

  “Of course. We all put our bits and pieces to the songs we record. Cash is just a hopeless romantic that goes on writing binges, especially when he first met Liv.” Cole chuckles. I never thought of the rest of them as writers.

  “So you all write songs?”

  “Yeah, and we all sing, too.”

  “No shit.”

  “Damn. Don’t sound so surprised. You wound my sensitive heart.” Cole clutches his chest. I roll my eyes and drink from my glass.

  “Womanizer Cole Burkely doesn’t have a sensitive heart.”

  I watch him tilt his head and stare at me. “You know, one day, one of you will take me seriously.”

  Well, fuck.

  “Hey, I’m only kidding. I didn’t mean to offend you. You’re the first one running off, wooing women.”

  “That’s okay.” He chugs wine and stares off at the trees that border my back fence.

  “Cole,” I call out.

  “Hmm.” His response is so mature.

  “Hey.” He doesn’t react. “Cole?” I roll my eyes when he remains silent. “Yo!” His head snaps toward me with a comical expression and I laugh. My body shakes uncontrollably as I try to gain control of my breath. Before I know it, Cole is laughing with me, his body relaxing. I gasp for air and wipe under my eyes.

  “I wish I would’ve taken a picture of your face. Man, it’s been a real long time since I’ve laughed this hard.”

  “It’s good to see you laugh again, Bri.” Cole’s eyes soften.

  “Yeah.” I have nothing else to say. I know I haven’t been myself the last several months. Rebel Desire wasn’t even here for the worst. Cole is experiencing part of my grief, but they didn’t see me when I walked out onto that tarmac to greet my husband’s coffin. I shake my head quickly and save that memory for another time. A time where I’m already drunk and halfway through destroying my house. Or a time where I’m drowning in Josh’s clothes as I attempt to wash away his presence from this house. Something I will never be able to do.

  I jump when the timer on my phone goes off. “Moment of truth!” I race into the house and turn on the oven light to peek through the door before opening it. “Looks good,” I call out to no one in particular.

  “Let’s see it,” Cole encourages me. I hold my breath as I slowly open the door and pull out the dishes. They stay puffed up as I place them on the granite countertop. I put my hands up as I surrender and wait for what will happen.

  “Perfect.” The puffed-up desserts look like the picture.

  “Yup,” Cole says. I look up to smile at him. His expression is a combination of adoration and surprise.

  “I’m not that bad of a baker. Don’t look so surprised.” I tease.

  What the fuck?

  “I’m not, but they look good. How about I order dinner? What’s your choice?”

  “Pizza?” I respond.

  “Perfect. Is pepperoni okay?”

  “Definitely.” I stare at my soufflés while Cole orders pizza and admire the perfect puff. Next, I’m making something more complex. While I was baking, nothing occupied my mind but what I was doing. I was totally present. I guess that’s what some people call meditation. I’d never experienced such a thing until I started these tasks Liza gave me. She knows what she’s doing. She should charge more.

  “Pizza will be here in forty-five minutes,” Cole announces.

  “Great. Want another glass of wine? I want to sit back outside.”

  “Whatever you want.”

  “Cole, you don’t have to feel obligated to agree with me. You’re a guest. Although, you did invite yourself.” I raise my eyebrows and tilt my head.

  Cole laughs and grabs the bottle of wine from the counter. “Yeah, I did. Just like coming over. Come on.” He leads the way back outside, and we each take our seat again.

  I bring Dixie up on my lap and stroke her soft fur as I stare at some of the trees in my yard. We loved this yard when we saw the house for the first time. Josh and I made an offer based solely on all the plans we came up with for this outdoor space. We enjoyed it as much as we could before he left.

  “Hey,” Cole says. “I lost you.”

  “Sorry.”

  “All good?”

  “Yeah.” I nod and start petting Dixie again.

  “Tell me what’s next on the agenda.”

  “I have no idea. I think just spending more time out here will be good. Sucks that winter is coming now. Maybe an herb garden wasn’t the best idea with the weather that’s to come.”

  “I was gonna mention it the other day, but you looked so happy.” Cole smiles apologetically.

  “I would’ve ignored you and kept planting. I can always replant in the spring if they die.”

  “Or you can bring them inside. My mom has her herbs by a windowsill in the kitchen.”

  A smile covers my face. Guys and their mommas have a relationship I’m convinced girls will never understand.

  “I can,” I agree. “It will be good to still have the plants to care for and use when I cook. Maybe it’ll motivate me to cook again.”

  “That’ll be good. What else would you like to do?”

  “I’m not sure. It took me a while to figure three things out with Liza. I should try writing down a list.”

  “What does Bri, as a person, enjoy doing?”

  “She loved going to concerts and lunch with Liv. Actually, anything with Liv was a guaranteed good time. She’d go to college football games on a whim and explore the outdoors.”

  “That person is still inside of you. You just gotta dig a little deeper to find her. She’s hurt, but she’s not broken.”

  “She sure as hell feels it.” I try to keep my tears at bay.

  “Nah.” Cole shakes his head. “Lost? Sure. But definitely not broken. Call Liv. Spend more time
with her. I keep telling ya.”

  “I know, I know. Cole Burkely’s words of wisdom. I have taken your advice.”

  “You should probably take more of it.” He crosses his arms over his chest.

  “Aye, aye, captain.” I pretend to salute him, causing him to laugh.

  “You’re too good of a person to live locked up in this place, driving yourself insane. I’ll make sure you get by with the help of friends and good times,” Cole promises. I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t want to get by. That I’m holding on to Josh because I refuse to go on without him. I could’ve died, too. Why couldn’t I? Why didn’t I? Like those freak news stories where the couple dies on a plane crash on the way back from their honeymoon. Or like Romeo and Juliet, death by love. Honestly, all I wanted was a death a la Notebook—old, wrinkly, in love, and together.

  But what I wanted doesn’t count in this game of life. It’s not what we want, but what we need. Why did I need to live this? My uncle was a pastor. I should’ve asked him these important questions when I was younger, before he passed. But a teenager never looks at the philosophical aspects of life. Never did I think I’d be a widow at this age, contemplating the purpose of life.

  “Tell me about your new songs,” I say to Cole, hoping a shift in topics will ease the conversation and my mood.

  “They’re good. Different in the sense that we go back to an old-school country sound.”

  “That’s exciting.” I smile.

  “It is. People criticize us for not being country, but music in all genres has evolved. We love the sound we have, but this album is more in tune with our roots.”

  “I can’t wait to hear it. I’m sure your listeners will love it.”

  “The feedback on a couple singles has been great. The entire album has a feel to it that we’re excited for our listeners to experience.” When Cole looks down at the incoming message on his phone, he adds, “Pizza should be here any minute.”

  “Let’s go inside.” I carry the empty glasses and Cole grabs the bottle.

  The scent of chocolate wafts around us as I enter the house. My mouth waters at the idea of trying the chocolate soufflés.

  “Smells good,” Cole says.

  “Was just thinking the same thing. What do you want to drink with the pizza? Water, soda, juice?”

  “I’ll take a Coke if you have.”

  “Coming right up.” I grab paper plates and our sodas from the pantry right when the doorbell rings.

  “I got it,” Cole calls out. He’s at the door before I can respond. I set the plates and drinks on the kitchen counter, a glass with ice for each of us. Dixie sits in a corner, watching me move around the kitchen.

  “What are you doing tomorrow?” Cole asks between bites. I swallow the savory pepperoni and shrug. “Wanna go to Ryder and Jen’s place? We’re all getting together to watch the Vols game. It’s not a football game on a whim, but you’re guaranteed a good time just watching Ryder talk shit about our team.”

  “Who’s going?”

  “Jason, Cash, Liv, and me. Peyton might stop by, but it’s during Sophia’s nap time.”

  “She must be so big.” Peyton is Rebel Desire’s manager. He and his wife, Dee, had a daughter a couple years ago.

  “She’s growing fast. Firecracker. Poor Pey.” Cole chuckles and takes a bite, waiting for my answer.

  “Yeah, maybe. What time are y’all getting together?”

  “About two. It’s a three o’clock game.”

  After way more pizza than I should’ve eaten, I get the two soufflés and spoons. Never too full for dessert. “Here ya go!” I bounce around, staying on my feet rather than sitting back down.

  “Moment of truth,” Cole teases. I bump his shoulder with mine and dip the spoon into the gooey, chocolaty dessert. As soon as the spoon hits my lips, the bitter sweetness melts in my mouth.

  “Damn, this is good.” Cole devours his soufflé.

  I nod, too busy to speak. There’s nothing stronger than the unbreakable bond of a woman and her affair with chocolate.

  “You all right there?” Cole laughs.

  “Yup.” I ignore his teasing and savor each bite. My pride stops me from licking the dish.

  Cole’s smile lights up his entire face when I look at him. “Good?”

  “Great.” I wipe my mouth with a napkin. At least I keep my manners in check, because I’m pretty sure I moaned at one point while eating the dessert.

  Cole and I talk for a little longer before he leaves, making sure to emphasize that he’ll see me tomorrow at Ryder and Jen’s. I said yes at the moment, knowing it will be a good idea. Now that I’m alone again, I’m not too sure. In my mind, it makes sense for me to go, but in my heart, there’s no point going without Josh. He was my person.

  I lie in bed, ready for another talk with the man that holds my heart. This can’t be healthy. Am I taking it to an extreme? Getting excited for bed because I spend an hour of my night having a one-sided conversation with my husband’s ghost?

  I close my eyes as the memory of seeing his casket being drawn from the plane invades my thoughts. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to. The soldiers that were there—all somber with the thought of another brother down. I remember walking up to the casket and slinging my body over it, bawling into the draped flag, as if that would ease the blow. Catherine held on to me, trying to calm me, but there was nothing that would diminish the raging storm within me.

  My fingers clutched the cool wood, refusing to remove myself. I was finally peeled away, numbly watching them carry him into the hearse. Catherine and Bill both wrapped me in their arms, making promises that I will always be a part of their family. I didn’t want promises. I wanted my husband back.

  Nothing prepared me for that moment. Not the home visit. Not my nights of cursing the entire world while Liv held my hand. Not all the tears I had cried. Nothing could prepare you for the moment you confront the case carrying your husband’s body, knowing that you’ll never see him smile again. Knowing that the last video call you made was the last time you’d hear him say he loves you. And definitely nothing will prepare you for the claps of the passengers on the plane that was carrying his body.

  Or that one kid that walked up to you and gave you his condolences, stating he admired the sacrifice we made and the service our loved one provided our country. He told me he was going to talk about Josh and his own feelings, knowing he was traveling with a hero, in his history class that Monday.

  I don’t talk to Josh. Instead, I curl into my side and relive that moment. I was too stunned to respond, but I would’ve told him that Josh was a hero and all the men and women in the Armed Forces should be appreciated all the time, not just once they lose their lives. I also would’ve told him not to join the military when he turned eighteen, but he was passionate about his choice and it would’ve made me a hypocrite. I was in pain. I was in shock. Some days, I still am.

  “Who else was coming?” Jen asks when the bell rings. I don’t respond, but I smile. She showed.

  “Oh my God!” I hear Jen squeal.

  “Who is it, babe?” Ryder walks toward the front door. “About damn time you showed your face.”

  “Hey, guys.”

  Olivia’s head snaps to the side when she hears Bri’s voice. “Bri?” She stands and goes to check for herself. Bri laughs at something Olivia says, but I stay focused on the game, ignoring Cash’s inquisitive stare from the corner of my eye.

  “Hey, guys,” Bri says as she walks into the living room.

  “Hey!” Jason and Cash say at the same time, standing to give her a hug.

  “Hi.” I smile up at her from the couch before standing to give her a hug. Only Cash knows I’ve been visiting Bri, and I know I’d get a lot more questions than I care to answer from the guys.

  “Who invited you? Shit, I didn’t mean to sound like a bitch. I’m fucking happy you’re here.”

  “It’s okay, Jen. Cole actually mentioned it, and I thought I’d stop
by for a bit. I brought wine.” She holds up the bottle and her mouth quirks.

  “Well, if you brought wine I guess you can stay.”

  Bri’s laugh serenades me. I feel like I’m holding a dirty secret when all I’ve done is visit her to make sure she’s doing all right. With a hopeless need to be with her.

  We all settle back down, Bri sitting next to Liv, and watch the game. Our focus on the game, we call out at different times until halftime.

  “Who wants another beer?” I ask as I stand.

  “I’ll take one,” Jason says.

  “Me too,” Cash replies.

  I grab the bottles from the fridge and pop them open. I’m glad Bri came today, but I wish I could sit next to her, drape my arm over her shoulders, kiss her. She’s that one girl who made me consider a relationship. Even when I knew she was off limits. I’m all sorts of fucked up, but Bri is the ideal woman—beautiful, honest, loyal, and spunky.

  “Hey, thanks for inviting me.” Bri walks into the kitchen, searching through the drawers. “Wine opener?”

  “Here.” I hand her the opener. “You’re welcome. I’m glad you came.”

  I lean against the counter, crossing my right leg over my left ankle and take a swig from my beer. I take a moment to observe her as she opens the wine bottle. She’s a natural beauty in her Vols t-shirt, with her wavy brown hair and expressive green eyes. I know I should look away, stop staring, but I’m held captive.

  “You got the beers?” Jason walks into the kitchen and halts at the entrance. Busted.

  “Yup.” I hand him one. “Was just catching up with Bri.”

  Jason smiles and walks up to Bri. “How are you doing?” He drapes an arm around her and my spine straightens.

  “I’m doing all right,” she responds as she pours the second glass of wine.

  “It’s good to see you out again. We should hang out soon.” Jason mocks me with his smile. Fucker.

  “Yeah. Just taking it day at a time. Some days I want to stay under the covers, and others I’m getting around to leaving my house for minutes at a time.”

  “That’s good, Bri.” Jason removes his grip from around her.

  “Thanks. You guys coming back out there?” She corks the bottle of wine and grabs the glasses.