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"That doesn't make you a cripple!"
"No?" he snarled and jerked his hand out of mine. "Then what do you call it?"
"It's not going to happen."
"You don't know that."
"I don't fucking care!" I was yelling now, furious at him for suggesting I would leave him. For thinking I would be that 265
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weak. For admitting he was. I didn't want Alex to be scared. I was scared enough for both of us.
Footsteps behind me warned me we'd attracted attention with our outburst. I turned to find a frowning nurse barreling down on us.
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I can't have you upsetting a patient the day before surgery."
"Jason—"
I released his hand and stood up. "She's right, you need to rest. I'll be by first thing in the morning."
From the stubborn set of his shoulders I knew he was going to order me to stay. I closed my eyes and shook my head.
"No, Alex. I'm going."
I kept my word, though every breath I took on my way out of the room and down the hall to the elevators was drawn through a chest so tight it's a wonder I could breath at all.
Outside, it was full dark and a waning moon cast a wan light down on me as I made my way to the truck. I had left my Honda in Goleta when we went into the mountains and hadn't bothered to go back since. I was going to have to make a trip home soon, to check the house and make sure the bills were paid. The last thing I wanted Alex to face when he came home was a mess of bills and mail to sort through.
I also had to check on the dog. He was still in the boarding kennel until I could figure out what to do with him. I hadn't yet mentioned the dog to Alex. I knew what I wanted to do, but that was a choice Alex had to be involved in. I knew he wasn't a dog person. I didn't know if what had happened 266
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would change that. I couldn't worry about it right now. I would make sure the dog was safe. His future was still up in the air, though.
All my energies had to go into worrying about Alex. And I was worried. I'd never let Alex know that, but the doctor had told me enough to let me know success tomorrow wasn't a given. Alex's fears might be realized. What I couldn't convince him of was that I truly didn't care. However this turned out, I was going to be there and nothing Alex or anyone else said was going to drive me away.
I just wished 'this' was over.
I hated this waiting more than anything.
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Spider
I was glad to find I was alone when I woke from an unrestful sleep infused with nightmares. Nightmares where I was back in the forest, on my belly on the ground, helpless, unable to move or even breath. Something pressed down on my back. Liquid fire licked my side where I could feel my flesh being consumed. I knew someone stood over me. Opening my eyes I saw Jason's boots less than a foot from my nose. I tried to call him, but my mouth filled with dirt and metallic liquid I knew was blood. I struggled to spit it out, to call out to him, but no sound emerged. The weight on my back grew, pressing down on me, sinking a thousand teeth and claws into me. White-hot agony slashed through me. I tried to scream but couldn't even breath. A spreading darkness dragged me down a long tunnel and I was helpless to stop the fall.
I woke with a jolt that sent a wave of pain through my jaw. I had bitten my tongue. Before I could cry out a nurse was beside me, her soothing hand on my brow, a comforting smile on her lips.
"The doctor will be along soon, Alex. He'll want to talk to you about the upcoming surgery."
I wasn't thinking about that. My only thought was Jason. I pressed my tongue against the back of my teeth, trying to see how bad it was. It had stopped bleeding, leaving behind the foul taste of blood.
"Jason?"
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Before she could respond a second figure was beside her.
Jason. Relief washed over me, leaving me weak and disoriented. I smiled, though from the look on his face, the gesture was not reassuring.
Jason's face had always been a mirror. All too often I could see my own thoughts reflected back on me. This time he radiated fear.
Was that what I felt? Fear? I shook my head, a new wave of dizziness leaving me weak and shaking. Alexander Spider didn't fear anything. Didn't Jason know that? I opened my mouth to tell him so, when he pressed his finger to my lips.
"Shh, the doctor's coming. Let's wait till he gets here."
I dropped my head back on the thin pillow that smelled of my own sweat with an underlying scent of bleach. My eyes slid shut, blocking out the knowing look Jason gave me.
I kept them closed even when a third person entered the room. Opening them, I found the doctor frowning over my chart.
"How is he, doctor? Is he strong enough for the surgery?"
Jason asked. His gaze kept flickering back to mine, then he'd stare at the green garbed doctor.
"Yes," the doctor said. He glanced at his watch. "He's doing quite well. I have him slotted for ten o'clock in the OR.
I expect the procedure will take two hours."
"Can I be with him?"
"You can stay until we take him to be prepped. Remember, both of you, no food or drink until told otherwise."
"Of course, doctor," Jason murmured, reaching down to take hold of my hand. "I'll sit with him until then."
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"Good, good. Just remember, no ingested substances at all."
I ignored the doctor after that. All my attention was focused on Jason. His thumb stroked the back of my hand absently, like he was barely aware of doing it. When our eyes met, he smiled, though the tension around his mouth and the shadows under his eyes told me the real story.
"Hey, we've come this far, right? Let's finish things."
He flushed and ducked his head. I brought his hand up and lay his palm across my cheek. When he raised his head, our eyes met.
"I'm going to be okay, Jason. Do you believe me?"
"Yes, Sir."
I kissed the palm of his hand. "Good. When I go into surgery, go back to the motel. You will stay there until you are called. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Sir, but—"
"No buts," I said sternly. "You've disobeyed me too many times lately. You know I don't accept that."
"Yes, Sir," he whispered. "I love you, Sir."
I closed my eyes and kissed his palm. "I know."
They came for me an hour later and with one last, reluctant look, Jason slipped out of the room. I knew he would obey me. I just hoped I wasn't seeing him for the last time.
Shortly after, I was rolled down to surgery and slid into a gentle, dream-free sleep as the anesthetic carried me down into oblivion.
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Jason
I followed the gurney as far as they would let me go. Only when the doors to the surgical ward close behind it did I retreat to the nearest waiting room. At first I sat, flipping through a six-month old copy of People, trying to read the articles on skinny actresses, on fat actresses and heroes plucked from obscurity by some plight that had befallen them.
I registered none of it. I didn't care about the latest goings on about Johnny or Brittany or Oprah. Their lives meant nothing to me. The only thing I cared about at this moment was what was going on behind those doors. What were they doing to the man I loved? At one point, when I looked at the wall clock and saw only ten minutes had passed, I squeezed my hands into fists and didn't realize I had crushed the magazine I currently
held. Pissed at my own anxiety, I threw the mangled glossy paper down on the low table between rows of chairs and jumped to my feet. My nerves were humming and I couldn't sit still. I started pacing. There were a few other people in the room, and it didn't take long to realize they were watching me with alarm.
I realized I must look a mess. I hadn't been to the motel in hours. Hadn't had a decent shave in longer. My face was covered with dark stubble and I knew I still showed signs of my own ordeal on the mountain. Losing weight left my face cadaverous, my eyes sunken and my hair shaggy and uncombed. I must look like a madman to them. When I saw one woman draw her young daughter into her arms and 272
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obviously try to shield her from me, I knew I had to get out of there. I hurried out of the room, my face flushed and my breathing coming in shallow gasps.
Outside, I almost slammed into Nancy, who stopped me with a hand on my chest and a startled "Whoa there, Jason.
Slow down." She studied my face and clearly didn't like what she saw. "He's in surgery, isn't he? Has anyone told you anything?"
"No, they haven't. He's been in there for at least an hour."
"He'll be fine, Jason. Come on, let's go get some coffee."
She led me down to the cafeteria where I ordered an extra large brew and followed Nancy to a seat in the corner by ourselves.
"You realize he's going to be in therapy for a while. He needs to build up his strength to overcome this. He's going to need you."
I bristled. Did she think I didn't know that? "I'll be there for him the whole way. I don't care what it takes."
"That's good." She stirred a pack of sweetener into her coffee. "He's a tough bastard, but even tough bastards need help sometimes. Not that Detective Spider would ever admitted that. You might be about the only person he'd ever take it from."
"You think?"
"I know. You get him through this, Jason, and you'll be saving more than his life. He's a damn fine cop and I want him to come back. But he has to come back all the way to do that. You're the only one who can help him do that."
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I ducked my head, swallowing a massive gulp of overheated coffee. "You know I will."
"Yes. I do."
She left soon after, and I forced myself to finish the coffee before I returned to the waiting room, and a few more hours of waiting. God, I was so tired of waiting.
I half expected Nancy to return, instead Alex's partner, Miguel, came. He nodded at me when he came through the door.
"Have you heard anything?"
"No," I said gruffly, then took a deep breath. The guy obviously cared or he wouldn't be here. "He went in about three hours ago. I expect to hear from the doctor soon."
"I've prayed for him."
"Thanks, we both appreciate it." I still didn't know what to say to that, but I wasn't going to turn down any well wishes or intervention if it would keep Alex safe. "How are your children?"
"They are fine. My youngest is at home today with an ear infection." He grimaced. "He kept my wife up all night with his pain."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I hope he' s well soon." I took a deep breath. "I'll pray for him, too."
" Gracias."
Miguel sat. He planned to stay, I guess. That meant I had to make small talk. Might as well stick to the one thing we shared.
"Do you like working with Alex?"
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Miguel didn't answer right away. I wondered if he wanted to find the right words or if he was just a cautious man who never spoke quickly.
"He is an excellent officer."
I could almost hear the but there. I nodded, smiling.
"Nancy—Lieutenant Pickard seems to think so. I know he works very hard to be a good cop."
"I admire him," he said stiffly.
Despite the fact he's gay? I didn't say that out loud. The poor guy was obviously sincere, and didn't deserve some snarky remark from me.
"He thinks you're a fine cop, too." Miguel brightened, so I added, "He was really satisfied to solve that last murder you cleared. I hear it was a fine piece of work."
"That was a good collar. A lot of bad men will go to jail for a long time for that."
"Maybe save a few lives. I know Alex would like that. He really cares about his victims and getting them justice."
We spent the next half hour nattering away, and for the first time since Alex had gone under the knife, I wasn't crawling walls. I was startled to look up and find Dr. Abena standing over me, a satisfied smile on his face.
"The surgery went well. Alexander is in excellent shape, and if his recovery is as smooth, I foresee no more surgeries being needed."
I surged out of my chair, Miguel forgotten. "When can I see him?"
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"He's in ICU right now. I suspect they will keep him overnight. I might allow a ten minute visit later on this evening, but that will be all until he's moved onto the ward."
I wanted to wring the guy's hands and thank him, but I felt too close to tears to do anything but nod my head and watch him walk away. I turned glowing eyes on Miguel, no longer caring who or what he was. Right now he was just a man I could share my joy with.
"He's going to be okay."
"God be praised."
"Amen," I whispered, then rushed into the bathroom where I vomited into the toilet. I leaned over the porcelain bowl, shaking so hard my vision blurred. I realized I was hyperventilating when I nearly passed out. "If You really are up there, then thank You. Thank You for giving me Alex back."
I splashed water on my face before I returned to the waiting room to find Miguel still there.
"I have to go tell the Lieutenant the news. Perhaps one of us will be by when Detective Spider is moved to a room and can have visitors."
"Tell her thank you from both of us."
He left and I was alone. But now my thoughts were not dark ones, but were filled with renewed hope. Maybe this really was it. Did that mean Alex would be coming home soon? I remembered Nancy saying he would need therapy.
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home. We could both rest a lot better there, under a familiar roof.
Face it, I just wanted him home.
It soon looked like that was going to happen a lot sooner than later. Dr Abena approached me once I was alone, and wanted a little heart to heart.
"You realize that his recovery is only beginning," he said as an ice-breaker. I nodded. "He will be weak for several days, possibly even weeks. In that time you both must be careful of what you do. He has to avoid all strenuous activity."
I nodded, figuring I knew where he was going. I was right.
"That includes all sexual activity." He paused. Waiting to see if I was going to object? That was okay, I might not like it, but I'd give up sex with Alex forever if it meant he was with me. I might not like it, but I would abide by it. I nodded firmly, letting him know I was onboard. "Good."
"Have you talked to Alex yet?"
"We touched on it. Perhaps I'll wait until you are together to talk of it more. Don't worry, Jason," he said dryly. "It won't be forever. It's just that his abdominal injuries were severe and a small section of his bowel was removed. As long as the sutures hold this should cause minimal issues and will heal over time. He needs a special diet, too. Only soft foods. We usually recommend baby foods as being the easiest to digest.
Some diet supplement like Ensure as well."
"I understand. I'll buy some before he comes home."
"Good. Now let me return to my patient. You should be able to visit him
within an hour."
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I brightened. "I'm going to go to my motel and shower.
You've got the number there if anything comes up, right?"
"We do. He's going to be okay, Jason."
This time I believed him.
I called Nancy from the hospital lobby before I headed back to the motel. Before I got there, I stopped on State Street and picked up a pair of jeans for both of us and new shirts to replace what had been ruined on our ordeal. Then I stopped at a barber and had my mess of hair tamed. I wanted to look my best when I visited, and I knew Alex would want something decent to put on when he was discharged.
By the time I had showered and shaved I felt a thousand percent better than I had in days. I'm sure it showed in my step and on my face when I bounced into ICU later that evening.
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Spider
I was still feeling groggy when Jason came into the ICU. It didn't stop my heart from giving a lurch in my chest. God, he looked delicious. His eyes still held a haunted look, but he looked fresher than he had in days and he had clearly gone all out to fix himself up for his visit. I'd have loved to see him in his skintight leathers and mesh shirt, but the doctor had warned me about that. I could look, but for now I couldn't touch. And I was supposed to curb my sexual arousal. Good luck with that.
Still, I refrained from hauling him into bed with me when he leaned over and pecked me on the mouth. He even smelled good. A wave of dizziness rolled over me. I shut my eyes and savored it. Maybe I couldn't fuck him, but I could enjoy his aura.
"How do you feel?" he asked softly, as though afraid of speaking too loudly.
"A lot better." I stroked his cheek, loving the smooth feel of his newly shaved cheek. He put his hand over mine and our fingers entwined. I cupped his chin and made him look at me. "They say the worst is over. I'll be coming home soon."