Further To Fall

by Catherine Cowles

  My stomach sank. “I promise.”

  I knew I needed to tell her the truth about all the mistakes I’d made during our time apart, especially the one I’d had to maneuver to keep away from her today. All I needed was a little more time to cement her to me in every way possible so that she wouldn’t want to leave. Just a bit more time.

  32

  Carter

  I bounced up and down on the balls of my feet, body thrumming with the excitement of Eric’s win. This was his first fight with Austin as his coach, and he had annihilated his opponent. Austin had been beaming with pride. It had taken a couple of days for me to bounce back after seeing that girl wrapped around Austin, but I knew he was trying. And he was right, I had to trust him, or this would never work.

  Liam, Ford, and I picked our way through the chaos of the crowd heading to meet Austin. As we turned the corner to the hall of locker rooms, I almost collided with someone.

  “Oops, excuse me,” I said automatically before looking up to see who I’d almost crashed into.

  “Well, hey there, Carter.” Lexi’s voice dripped with disdain.

  My heart clenched. “Hey, Lexi, what are you doing here?”

  An evil grin crept across her blood-red lips. “Didn’t Austin tell you? We work together. I see him all the time.”

  I tried not to panic. There had to be an explanation. There was no way Austin would work with Lexi and not tell me. I sucked in a deep breath. I trusted him. Steeling my spine, I said, “Lexi, you’re jealous. And you have reason to be. Austin is the best man you could ever hope to know. But he’s not yours, and he never will be. He’s mine.”

  Liam stepped forward. “Carter is everything you will never be, and that’s gotta burn. But if you don’t leave her alone, and I do mean completely alone, I will ruin you.”

  Lexi’s face paled, and Liam sent her a feral grin. “I see you know I can do it. I have contacts all over this city, and you’ll have to get a job in Long Beach. Run along, and don’t come back.” Lexi sniffed and then took off toward the crowd. Liam squeezed my shoulder. “Don’t pay any attention to her, she’s a natural-born liar and manipulator.”

  “Let’s just go find Austin.”

  Ford stepped up then. “He’s probably in Eric’s locker room. Let me go grab him so you’re not accidentally flashed junk.”

  I shot him a forced smile as I twisted my fingers together. A minute later, a sober-looking Austin appeared. This was not the beaming smile he had been wearing after Eric’s victory, and my stomach dropped. “Hey, Carter, come with me.” He tried to grab my hand, but I side-stepped the grab and just stared at him. He sighed. “Let’s go into one of the empty locker rooms so we can have some privacy.” I nodded, and he walked two doors down and pushed it open for me.

  I walked inside, arms crossed over my chest. I knew it was a confrontational gesture, but I couldn’t help it, I needed the feeling of protection. As soon as the door swung closed, I asked, “Do you work with Lexi?”

  Austin leaned back against the wall opposite me. “Yes, and no. She works for the UFL organization as a PR rep. She tried to get matched up with me, but I told them I wouldn’t work with her. I hardly see her, but Eric got assigned her as his rep. There was nothing I could do without causing a lot of drama.”

  There was a burning sensation in my chest. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I was going to, but I wanted us to have a chance to get to know each other again first without throwing more drama into the midst of things. And things have been a little crazy lately.”

  He was right about things being crazy. Between my break-in and car accident, we had already been high on drama. But he still should have told me from the get-go. I took a deep breath and let it out. “Did you sleep with her?”

  Austin closed his eyes, letting his chin fall to his chest. I died inside just a little. “Once. I told you, I was in a bad place when we stopped talking. I was mad at you—”

  I cut him off, anger boiling to the surface. “So you did it to deliberately hurt me?”

  “No!” He ran a hand over his buzzed head. “I just wanted to prove to myself that you didn’t have any control over what I did or didn’t do. And I was drinking a lot, so I wasn’t making the best decisions. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. All I can do is tell you that I’m so sorry I hurt you. Please, forgive me.”

  Austin reached out for me, but I stepped out of his grasp again. “I need some time.” The words burned my throat as I fought the tears that were starting to gather. “I don’t know what I think right now, and I need some time to sort it out.”

  He retracted his hand, clearing his throat. “Okay, how much time?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “This feels an awful lot like last time.”

  I shrank back at his words. “It’s not like last time. I just need some time to get my thoughts straight.”

  Austin nodded jerkily, but his fists were clenched so hard, I wondered if he’d break a finger. “I’ll give you time.” The words sounded gruff, as though he really didn’t want to say them. “But you have to know…I love you, Carter. I never wanted to tell you like this, but you need to know that. I love you.”

  The tears spilled over now, tracking down my face. “That’s not fair.” How could he say those words now?

  “Fuck fair! If there’s a chance you’ll leave me, I’m not fighting fair!”

  My stomach hollowed out, and I started crying harder. He might love me, but what good was that if I couldn’t trust him to be honest with me. What good was that love when monsters kept popping out of every corner, threatening to stab me in the heart. I couldn’t do this, I didn’t want to hurt like this again. “I need to go home. I’m going to get Liam to give me a ride.”

  His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, but he said nothing. I ducked by him and out the door, keeping my head down until I reached Liam and Ford. They both took in my face with stony expressions. “Can you take me home?” I croaked.

  Liam threw an arm around my shoulders. “Of course, we can.”

  I kept my head down all the way to the car and let my tears fall.

  Days turned into a week, and I still didn’t have any answers. What I did have were undereye circles the size of my fist, and clothes that were all fitting a little too loosely. Austin had clearly put Liam and Ford on operation don’t-let-Carter-drive-anywhere-by-herself because one of them always picked me up from school. Today, it was Liam. I stared out the window of his Maserati. Apparently, he was even more bougie than Austin.

  My phone buzzed in the purse at my feet, and I tensed. I felt like one raw nerve lately. Between trying to reason through all my thoughts and feelings about Austin and a bunch of hang-up phone calls, I was ready to snap. I brushed off the feeling and slipped my phone from the bag, UNKNOWN CALLER. I pressed ignore, knowing whoever was on the other end wouldn’t leave a message. They never did.

  “Everything okay?” Liam asked from the driver’s seat.

  “Yeah, everything’s fine. How are things going with the new record?”

  “It’s coming together, but what I’m really excited about is the tour. It’s been too long since I’ve been on the road.”

  I smiled, and it didn’t feel as forced as it had been. I was so dang proud of everything Liam had accomplished. “That’s awesome, Li, I wish I could go with you.”

  “I wish you could, too. Maybe you can come out for a few weeks this summer, we’ll be in Europe.”

  “That would be awesome.”

  Liam pulled up in front of my house. “Want me to walk you in?”

  “No, big brother, I’ll be fine. Taylor’s already home. They had an early lacrosse game in West Hollywood.”

  “Okay, take care of yourself and try to get some rest.”

  I knew he was worried about me, so I didn’t give him any crap. “Will do.” I levered out of the car and waved to him when I reached the gate, but Liam waited while I punched in the code and didn’t drive off until
I was safely inside the front yard.

  My shoes echoed on the stones as I walked up the path. The noise sounded empty, just like I felt. Unlocking the front door, I pushed inside. “Wifey, Blue, I’m home.”

  “We’re in the kitchen,” Taylor called.

  Blue took off running towards me, almost knocking me over when he collided with my legs. He was getting so big. “Hi, baby, I missed you so much today! Were you a good boy? I bet you were.” I had bitten the bullet and found a dog walker who came by twice a day while I was at work since I felt guilty about having Austin watch him if we were taking a breather. It seemed to be working fine, but I was sure Blue missed Austin almost as much as I did. “Come on, let’s go see what Taylor’s up to.”

  I headed into the kitchen to find Taylor removing takeout containers from a bag. “I ordered us Indian.”

  “That sounds great.” It didn’t actually sound great, but I would try to force some down. I usually loved Indian, but my appetite had up and abandoned me, just like my stupid heart.

  “There are more flowers.” Taylor eyed me over the paper bag. “I set them on the coffee table, but we’re running out of places to put them. When are you going to put that boy out of his misery and call him already?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “I’m not sure how to get past it. Austin should have been honest with me from the start about Lexi working with him. We even talked about her once. He had the perfect opening to tell me. Now, I just wonder what other stuff he hasn’t told me, and if I can trust him to be honest with me in the future.”

  Taylor arranged food on two plates and filled a bowl with naan. “Honey, can we have some real-talk?” I nodded, biting the corner of my lip. She continued on. “I think you’re being too hard on him. You know I’m Team Carter all the way, but I know Austin wasn’t trying to intentionally hurt you. It’s not fair for you to shut him out completely. I think you’re going to have to take a leap and meet him halfway. Tell him how you’re feeling. He might be able to ease your mind.”

  What was I feeling? I searched my brain for the root of all my panic, anxiety, and uncertainty. I could only come up with one thing. I was terrified. Taking a second chance life had given you meant the risks were so much greater, the distance to fall so much further. Tears stung my eyes. “I’m scared.”

  “Oh, honey.” Taylor rushed around the kitchen bar, throwing her arms around me. “I know you are. Love is fucking terrifying if it’s the good kind.”

  She held me for long minutes as I pulled myself together. “I don’t want to lose him.”

  Taylor pulled back, giving me an encouraging smile. “You won’t. All you have to do is pick up the phone.”

  My stomach twisted in knots. “I will, I just need a little more time to figure out what to say. Sorry to break down on you when you have so much going on, I’m a cruddy friend.”

  “You are not,” she argued.

  I studied Taylor’s face, her own eyes were lined with circles. “How are you? How’s your mom?”

  A few days ago, Taylor had gotten the devastating news that her mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer. She was just waiting to hear what the treatment plan was now. “She’s hanging in there. I actually talked to her earlier today. They’re going to start chemo in a week.”

  “That’s good that they’re moving so quickly, right?”

  Taylor bit the side of her cheek. “It is, but I feel like I need to be with her when she’s going through treatment, so I’m going to take a leave of absence from teaching and go back to Texas for a bit. I’m sorry to leave you when you’ve got all this other crap going on, but I need to go.”

  “Taylor, forget about me. I think it’s great that you’re going to be there for your mom. She needs you right now.” I meant it, I would miss Taylor like crazy, but she needed to be with her mom. “I wish I could go with you so I could take care of you while you’re taking care of her.”

  She smiled a little wobbly at me and engulfed me in another hug. “Love you, Carter.”

  “Love you, too, Tay. We’ll talk all the time. I’m always here for you. You know that, right?”

  “I know that. I’m so glad your crazy roommate stalked down the guy you were in love with and threw herself at him, so you were forced to move in with me.” I pulled back slightly and just blinked at her. “Too soon?” she asked.

  I burst out laughing. “Who knew we’d be thanking our lucky stars for Lexi?”

  “She’d definitely be surprised to learn that.”

  The next day, Ford pulled his car into a spot right in front of my house, the parking gods were with him today. I looked over at him as he shut off the engine. “You don’t have to walk me in, we’re right outside.”

  “Now that Taylor’s gone, we’re just going to be extra careful.”

  I groaned in response. Liam had already suggested that I move in with him until Taylor came back. I had a feeling that while Liam’s lips had been moving, it was Austin’s voice coming out of his mouth. “Fine, come on.” I punched in the gate code and unlocked my front door, but Ford pushed me aside to walk ahead.

  “While you go check for ax murderers, I’m going to let Blue out of his crate.” At the sound of my voice, Blue started whining, and I could hear his tail thumping against the metal grate. I opened the door and was immediately bathed in kisses. Laughing, I fell back onto the floor, hugging Blue to my chest. “I missed you, too.”

  “You spoil that dog.” Ford had already returned from his rounds.

  “All quiet on the western front, soldier?”

  “Everything’s good, smartass. You going to be okay for the night?”

  “Yup.”

  “All right, I’m going to head out, I have some work to finish.”

  “Thanks for driving me home.”

  “No problem. Lock the door behind me.”

  I dutifully followed Ford to the door and flicked the deadbolt behind him. A ding came from the direction of my purse, which I had let fall to the floor when I released Blue from his crate. I dug around for my phone, and just as I grabbed it, I heard it ding again.

  Taylor: You’ve been outed, E-News identified you as Austin’s girlfriend in those photos. I’m honestly surprised it took them this long. Thought you’d want a heads-up.

  Taylor: On the plus side, my mom says Austin’s a hunk, and you better hold on to that man.

  I sighed, deciding to text Taylor back later. “What do you say we go for a walk, Blue?”

  He barked in response and started turning in circles. I knew that if I had told Ford I was taking Blue for a walk, he would have insisted on going with me, but I really needed some alone time to sort through what I was going to say to Austin when I called him tonight.

  I quickly changed into workout pants and a tank, grabbing Blue’s leash, my keys, and for good measure so none of the boys could yell at me, my phone and pepper spray. Snapping Blue’s lead on, I headed out the door, making sure it was locked behind me.

  My mind immediately drifted to Austin as I padded the pavement, pausing as Blue stopped to pee on something. When it came right down to it, any fears paled in comparison to how much I loved Austin. His kind heart. His generous spirit. And his hot body didn’t hurt. No one made me feel more alive than Austin did. I just needed to make him understand that I’d kick his butt if he kept things from me that he knew I deserved to know.

  I spent the next forty-five minutes releasing any anger and hurt I’d been feeling and thinking about everything that I was grateful for in my relationship with Austin. By the time I’d circled back around to my house, I felt ready to call him. I just hoped he wasn’t pissed at me for waiting so long.

  I punched in the gate code, and Blue tugged me up the path to the front door, excited for his post-walk treat. When I unlocked the door, Blue started sniffing the air and barking. What a weirdo. Was he trying to sniff out his treat? Instead of pulling me to the kitchen where his cookies were, he tugged me towards my bedroom, his barking growing mo
re intense.

  When we reached the door, I froze in shock. My bedroom was destroyed. Clothing was strewn all over the floor, ripped to shreds. The painting that usually hung over my bed was lying on the carpet, a huge slash through it. My bedding had also been torn to bits, feathers were everywhere. And above my bed, spray-painted in garish red was the word: Whore.

  Blue’s low growl snapped me into action, and as I turned to bolt from my room, I caught a glance of cunt sprayed in the same red lettering in my bathroom. I fumbled for my phone as I pulled on Blue’s leash and started running for the front door. My heart hammered against my ribs, sending vibrations echoing through my body. My thumb unlocked my phone’s screen as I cleared the front doorway. My recent calls appeared, and I shakily hit the first number I saw.

  33

  Austin

  “You just have to be patient, man,” Liam said. We were at my house, having a beer after playing a little one-on-one. “Carter loves you. Never seen someone so head over heels. I honestly think it’s less about Lexi and more about the fact that you weren’t honest with her.”

  I groaned as I ran a hand over my scalp. “Carter said she didn’t want to talk about the past.”

  Liam sent me a pointed look over his beer. “But it’s not really the past if you see Lexi regularly, is it?”

  Fuck, I knew it had been a bad idea not to tell Carter that Lexi was working for the UFL, but I had been so damn desperate to get us to a good place. I didn’t want to ruin my shot with her. “Do you think Carter can handle being around all the groupies, the crazies, the paparazzi? I love her, man. I want to make this work.” I blew out a breath. “But she pushes me away every time I screw up. She won’t let me close enough to try and make things right.”

  “You need to give her time. She’s scared, Austin. Terrified out of her fucking mind.” My stomach dropped at his admission, and my heart clenched. “She hasn’t said as much, but I’ve known Carter a long time, and I recognize the signs. You were her first love, her first broken heart. She’s going to be a little gun-shy when things go wrong.”