A Cowboy to Come Home To

by Donna Alward

  “I tried to give you space....”

  His voice was hoarse and she blinked against the stinging at the backs of her eyes. “You did. You did every single thing I asked. And I had so much thinking to do. I wasn’t as sure as you. I’d been going in one direction with a goal in sight and suddenly the road map changed. I’d been thinking about trying to have a baby for so long that it felt scary and strange to put it on hold while we explored this thing. But that’s what I did, Coop. I put it on hold. The appointment at the clinic was not to give it another try. And I’m also to blame for you thinking that. I pulled away from you without an explanation. It’s not surprising that you jumped to the conclusion you did.”

  Coop’s brows knitted together. “If things were going so great, then why did you pull away?”

  Here it was, the moment of truth. “This is so hard,” she whispered. Once it was out she couldn’t take it back. Things would change forever.

  “Is there someone else, Mel?”

  Her heart lurched as he asked it quietly, cautiously, as if preparing himself for the worst.

  “No,” she whispered, sliding over and lifting her other hand to his cheek. “No, Coop. There’s no one but you, I promise.”

  No one but you.

  And with her next words she was going to hand him so much power it was staggering.

  “That night at the diner, when we were supposed to meet? I showed up,” she began. “You were there, talking to Ty and Clara and there was a moment where you caught Susanna and lifted her in your arms. This little curly-haired doll in your big strong arms, Coop. She kissed your cheek and you kissed her hair. And that was the moment. It was like the world tilted and suddenly there was a brand-new reality in front of me. It wasn’t just us seeing where things were going anymore. It hit me so hard. I love you, Coop.”

  “You love me.”

  She nodded, felt one tear slip down her cheek. Why did his voice sound so tight rather than happy? Why wasn’t he pulling her into his arms and telling her it was okay? Panic started to slither through her veins, making her chest tight as she hurried to explain. “I realized I was in love with you, and I didn’t know what to do with everything I was feeling. I had to make sense of it all. It scared me so much. I never wanted to care for someone that much. I’ve let go of you twice already, don’t you see? And it hurt so badly both times. The idea of having to do that again someday—after sharing a life with you, after knowing what it is to have you—I’m not sure my heart could survive that. So I backed away, tried to make sense of my feelings. To decide what to do.”

  “And the appointment?”

  He was still fixated on the clinic appointment. This wasn’t going at all as she’d hoped. She’d thought she would say the words and it would make everything all right. That he’d confess his love, too, and she’d be in his arms by now. But Coop seemed more distant than ever. Maybe if he understood the reason behind the appointment he’d see the same future she envisioned in her heart.

  “I’ve done a few treatments now and it hasn’t worked. I was going for further testing to make sure there’s not a fertility issue. For us. Just in case...”

  Coop got up from the sofa and went to the window. What was his problem? She’d explained the appointment and just told him she loved him, and he was cold as ice!

  “What’s wrong?” she asked. “I thought once I explained the appointment, once I told you how I was feeling, you’d...”

  “I’d what? Throw myself in your arms?”

  Confused and afraid, she gave a quick nod. “Well...yes, something like that. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

  He cursed and ran his hand through his hair as he turned back to face her. “Yes, it’s what I wanted! But it’s not that easy. When your marriage broke up, the one thing you were trying to do was start a family. It’s so important to you that you were prepared to make it happen all on your lonesome. Then I jump in and complicate the whole thing—especially when I made that stupid offer to help you. Oh, I wish I’d never done that....”

  He started pacing in front of the fireplace. “Now you come to me and say you love me after...” He heaved a breath and stopped, facing her directly. “After you see me holding some kid, and decide I’d make perfect father material?”

  “Don’t you want children?” she asked, feeling desperately as if she was losing him, and not understanding why. “You’d be such a good father....”

  “What I want,” he said significantly, “is a woman who loves me for me and not my DNA.”

  She sat back on the sofa, her mouth hanging slightly open. Was that how he saw her? That she was so fixated on having a baby she couldn’t tell the difference between love and a means to an end? Was he so unsure of her that he’d think she’d use him that way?

  “What do you want me to say?” Mel asked weakly. “I can’t lie and say I don’t want children, because I do. Can you stand there and say you don’t want a family, too? That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, Coop. I’m just not sure how to prove it to you.”

  “I’m not sure you can.” His voice was flat and resigned.

  There was a long pause where the only sound was the fire crackling. Finally Coop looked down at her. “I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought by telling you about my feelings at Thanksgiving, it would somehow work out. Believe me, no one is more surprised than me at what I’m saying right now. Everything I wanted is right in front of me and I’m not reaching out to take it.”

  “Why?”

  “Because a part of me would always wonder if you were with me for me, or if I was just part of a plan you had for the perfect life.”

  She got up from the sofa. “I had a plan like that once. It didn’t turn out so well. I try not to repeat the same mistakes. I thought that was why I was here. I don’t know which is worse—the idea that you don’t have faith in me to love you or the lack of faith you have in yourself to be able to hold me.”

  The future was slowly slipping out of her fingers, but she was glad she had come. She’d said the words and she’d meant them. She’d meant every syllable. She went to him and lifted her hand, brushed his hair back by his ear with her fingertips. “You’re breaking my heart right now,” she murmured.

  “I can’t be someone who is just enough,” he replied, stopping her hand by circling her wrist with strong fingers. “I can’t be second best or an alternate choice. If we do this, I have to be everything.”

  “You are everything,” she replied, gazing deeply into his eyes. “That’s what I’m offering, Coop. I love you. If you send me away tonight, that won’t change. I was afraid of falling in love. Afraid to give anyone that much control over my life, because when you’re in love you put that other person ahead of yourself.” She moved closer so that their clothing brushed. “Loving you means handing you my heart for safekeeping. I get that now, because seeing you that night, I realized my heart was no longer mine to give.”

  She stood on tiptoe and touched his cheek with her lips. “It’s you, Coop. It’s always been you. And nothing you say or do will change that.”

  “What if your test results say you can’t have children? What if, by some crazy circumstance, I can’t? What then?”

  She put her hand over his heart, feeling the strong beat against her palm. “I would be upset and disappointed. And I would hope that we would face it together. The day you made your offer to help, I told you that I didn’t believe in marrying someone just to have a baby. I meant that with all my heart. I don’t want your DNA, Coop. I want a partner. Someone who loves me for me and someone I adore in return. Someone I can talk to about anything and trust with my life. I want to put aside my dreams and replace them with our dreams. I can’t imagine being with anyone but you.”

  “You really mean that, don’t you?” he asked, and she saw a tiny crack in the wall he’d built around himself. He put his hand ove
r hers, his strong fingers circling her wrist once more.

  She nodded. “I do,” she confirmed. “The night you came to see me, you asked me what had changed. My whole world changed that night. Everything I thought I knew no longer existed. And if I needed time to plan, it’s because the one thing I didn’t want was to screw this up. So please, please. Trust me. Love me. Let this be everything.”

  For a long moment silence hummed between them. Coop seemed to struggle, and she thought that her one last effort to reach him was a failure. Then he loosened his grip on her wrist and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I’m so afraid,” he admitted. “I thought I couldn’t love you more than I already did, and then there you were, and it was more than I ever imagined. You have the power to hurt me, Mel. And I got so scared, because if love just gets bigger, then losing you would destroy me, and I could feel you slipping away.”

  “Then don’t lose me,” she replied. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

  His dark eyes shone in the firelight. “Then stay,” he commanded. “Stay with me tonight. We’ve wasted so much time already.”

  She knew what he was asking. There would be no turning back after this. And for the first time in years, there was no hesitation, no insecurity, no fear in not knowing exactly what the future would bring. Instead there was relief and happiness and a strange but welcome sense that everything in her life was finally right where it was meant to be. In this moment.

  “Let’s not waste any more,” she replied.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  GRILLING WAS COOP’S specialty, and despite the brisk day and snow clouds building to the west, he had a roaster full of ribs ready to slap on the barbecue. The playoffs had started and dinner was at his place today, and Mel had agreed to come over and help with the meal.

  He came back in from the deck, where he’d turned on the barbecue to heat, and saw her standing at the threshold to the kitchen. The pregame was on the television and the announcers’ voices were muffled. She looked beautiful in faded jeans and his Eskimos jersey, which was about two sizes too big. Beautiful and adorable and his.

  “You’re early.”

  “Mmm-hmm.” She put grocery bags down on the counter and walked over to him in stocking feet. “I wanted to get here before your parents.”

  “Really. And why is that?”

  A slow smile curved her lips. “So I could do this without an audience.”

  She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her mouth to his. With a chuckle he blindly put the lighter on the counter and pulled her closer, cupping one hand around her neck as they kissed fully, completely.

  “I don’t suppose we have time...” she murmured, slightly out of breath.

  “Why, Miss Stone,” he teased. “Are you suggesting...”

  She grinned. “Yeah, like you’re surprised.”

  Being with Mel was more than Coop had ever dreamed. She was beautiful, responsive, loving. They’d been using protection at her insistence, so that he’d be absolutely sure of her and her motives. They needed to do this right and with total honesty, and when the time came...

  Which was why he put his hands on her arms and pushed her away gently. Today he was going to be as honest as it was possible to be.

  “I have something for you,” he said, stepping aside and opening a drawer. He took out a flat, rectangular box that was wrapped in blue foil with a silver ribbon.

  Her eyes lit up. “A present?”

  He handed it over, hoping to God his fingers weren’t shaking. “Open it.”

  It seemed to take forever for her to get through the ribbon and wrapping. She was very precise, careful not to rip anything, which was starting to drive him a little crazy. His parents would be here at any moment and he wanted her to himself just a little bit longer....

  Her laugh bubbled out as she lifted the lid to the box. “Oh!” she exclaimed, reaching in. “Coop, this is so funny!”

  She held up the canvas apron and slid the loop over her neck, laughing as she read the front. “‘Keep Calm and Cowgirl Up.’ Cute.”

  “I thought that if you’re going to be hanging out with us Fords and helping with the cooking, you need your own apron.”

  “Thank you, Coop. I love it.” She secured the ties around her waist and spun in a circle. “Now, about my first proposition...”

  She wound her arms around him again and whispered a suggestion in his ear that made him go hot all over.

  “Wait,” he said hoarsely. As much as seeing her in that apron—and only that apron—was an intriguing idea, there was something more important that came first. “I noticed that your work apron at the shop has lots of pockets to keep stuff in.”

  With an impatient sigh she admitted, “I do love my pockets. They’re very handy.”

  “This apron has pockets.”

  “So I see.”

  It was hard to think with her pressed so tightly against him. “Mel,” he insisted, closing his eyes. “Maybe you should check the pockets.”

  He didn’t know if it was something in his voice that did the trick, or the words themselves, but Mel stood back and met his gaze with wide eyes. And held it as she dipped her fingers into the wide pockets of the cobbler’s apron.

  He knew when she found the ring, because her eyes widened even further and started to glisten. She slowly took it out of the pocket and held it between two fingers. “Coop...”

  He went to her and took the ring from her hand. “I love you, Mel. I’ve loved you for so long that it’s hard to remember a time when I didn’t. I tried, God knows I tried, when I thought there would never be a chance for us, but no one ever measured up to you. Now that you’re mine I want to keep it that way. Forever.”

  She sniffled, and his chest expanded with emotion and possibility and hope and fear and a million other emotions.

  “I want you to marry me. I want to make a life with you, and see you every morning when I wake up, and hold you close every night when I go to sleep. I know you’re scared and you want guarantees. Some guarantees are impossible to give because we don’t know what life holds for us. But I can promise you this—I will love you until my dying breath. I will always be there for you. I want to have a family with you. I want everything from you and I’ll give you everything I have in return. Will you marry me?”

  Her lip quivered. “I love you, Coop. Yes, I’ll marry you. Yes, yes, yes!”

  It felt as if his heart was exploding with relief and happiness, even though it still beat along in his chest, perhaps just a tiny bit faster than normal. As she sniffled again, he held up her hand and slid the ring over her knuckle. The simple square-cut diamond caught the light and sparkled as he squeezed her fingers. He’d never thought this day would actually come. That she’d say yes. That he’d have everything he’d ever dreamed of having.

  The front door opened, bringing a gust of wind tunneling through the foyer and into the kitchen. “Hello!” called Jean. “We’re here!”

  Coop cupped his hands around Mel’s face and gave her a quick kiss during their last few moments of privacy. “I’ll take a rain check on that other offer,” he murmured with a secret smile.

  * * *

  When his parents entered the kitchen, Mel and Coop broke apart. She stayed in the shelter of his arms, though, wanting to remain close. They were going to do it. They were getting married. And one day they’d start a family together. It surprised her to realize she didn’t want that to happen right away. She wanted a little time for just the two of them first.

  “I see we’re interrupting,” Jean said, her eyes twinkling as she set a casserole dish on the countertop. Mel grinned at the approving note in her voice, and the sound of Bob’s dry chuckle behind her.

  “Not at all,” Melissa replied, dropping her arms.

  “Oh, look at you!” Jean laughed. �
�Nice apron.”

  “I figured if everyone else in the family had one, then Mel should, too,” Coop said. “Especially since...”

  He looked down at her and his dark eyes were filled with love and hope and happiness. “Especially since I asked her to join the family about five minutes ago.”

  Jean hurried around the corner of the counter. “You asked her to marry you?” To Mel’s delight, Coop’s mother grabbed her hand and lifted it to see the evidence. “Oh, Bob! Look! She has a ring and everything!”

  “It’s about time,” was all Bob said, coming forward to clap Coop on the arm. Then he stopped to fold Mel into a hug. “Welcome home,” he said softly, making more tears prick the backs of her eyes. “We’ve been hoping for this for a very long time.”

  She squeezed him back.

  Jean interrupted the moment with a question. “Do your parents know?”

  “Of course not. It just happened.” Mel laughed. “But they’re going to be very happy.” She didn’t mention their displeasure with her other recent decisions, but knew for sure that the news that she was marrying again—and marrying Coop—would be cause for celebration in the Stone household.

  “Then get on the phone, girl! Invite them over. There’s plenty of food and this deserves a party.”

  Bob went to work putting beer in the fridge, while Jean bustled around, taking stock of food supplies. Mel took advantage of the chaotic moment to snuggle close to Coop. “Sorry about the hoopla,” she murmured. “Looks like that private celebration will have to wait.”