The Hippie Handbook

by Chelsea Cain

  OTHER PEOPLE’S YARDS

  Some people in Babylon are very uptight about what they perceive as “trespassing” on their “property.” While interesting shortcuts abound, try to resist traveling through backyards, and if you are going to stop and rest on a stranger’s porch, try to keep it to just a few minutes.

  Do not attempt to climb fences. This is how many hippies are hurt.

  How to Hitchhike

  Move to Northern California.

  Stand on the side of the street where traffic is headed in the direction you want to go.

  Make your street-side hand into a fist, and extend your thumb straight up.

  Extend your arm straight out, perpendicular to the road.

  Smile.

  HITCHHIKING HINTS

  Try to look more like a college kid and less like Charles Manson.

  Wear shoes.

  If you are male, find a female to hitchhike with you.

  If you are female, find a dog to hitchhike with you.

  Do not carry an axe, rifle, or any other kind of large weapon.*

  This may seem pretty obvious, but I once passed a hitchhiker who was carrying an axe. I’m pretty sure no one stopped for him.

  Hippies used to hitchhike with signs that vaguely indicated where they wanted to be delivered. My parents, for instance, hitchhiked across the country with a sign that read, simply, “East Coast.” This doesn’t work so well anymore, since most drivers will think to themselves, “But I am not going to the East Coast! I am only going as far as Kansas City.” You do not want drivers to think this. You want drivers to think, “What a nice young person. I will take him as close to his destination as I can.” So if you are traveling a good distance, figure out the likely destination of most drivers on the road you’ve chosen, preferably about half a day’s drive from where you are right now, and write that location on your sign.

  How to Drive Like a Hippie

  Some people think that hippie vehicles are a hazard and should not be allowed on the road. In fact, hippie rides are safer than most cars, as they rarely reach speeds over 15 miles per hour.

  Always travel at least five miles under the posted speed limit.

  Tailgate.

  Flash peace signs at other drivers after you cut them off.

  Two words: rolling stop.

  Forget what your destination is.

  Never carry your driver’s license.

  Always listen to music either full blast or so low that it can barely be detected. (Don’t settle for any song less than eleven minutes long.)

  Most people spend a lot of time in their cars. So why do they drive bland sedans or SUV drone-mobiles without any sort of personal expression whatsoever? Two words: resale value. But this is just another way that The Man keeps us slaves to the capitalist machine. And, ha! Hippies do not resell cars. They personalize them and then drive them until they are rusted shells, leaving them along the highway outside Albuquerque. With this radical act, hippies are free to express themselves without being financially punished by Babylon.

  Note: Any vehicle should be obtained by bartering. If cash is necessary, never pay more than $750.

  SWEET HIPPIE RIDES

  Volkswagen Microbus (1942–1971)

  Volkswagen Beetle (1950–1965)

  Volkswagen Squareback (1962–1973)

  Volkswagen Fastback (1962–1973)

  Volvo sedan (1950–1965)

  Saab (1950–1965)

  GMC/Chevy or Ford pickup (1951–1956)

  Retired mail truck, school bus, hearse, ice cream truck, or repair van

  INTERIOR DECORATIONS

  Beads

  Peace symbol pendants

  Sage (to cover odor)

  Crystal teardrops, strung on leather straps

  Stained-glass pendants, strung on ribbons

  Dreamcatchers

  A lock of your old lady’s hair

  PAINT YOUR VEHICLE! CONSIDER…

  Breaching whales (not “beaching” whales. That would be a bummer.)

  Grateful Dead skeletons and/or bears

  Flowers

  Psychedelic swirls

  Airbrushed likeness of Jimi Hendrix, or yourself, or your old lady

  IF YOUR “CAR” IS A BICYCLE

  Spray it with paint (pink, green, or zebra stripes).

  Add streamers to the handlebars.

  Thread wildflowers between the spokes.

  Find a small child to ride on your handlebars.

  Attach a basket to the front (for carrying produce) and a milk crate to the back (for carrying litters of kittens).

  Add a cheerful-sounding horn.

  Glue tiny plastic farm animals all over the bumpers.

  TYPICAL HIPPIE BUMPER STICKERS

  Peace slogans*

  Music slogans

  Marijuana slogans*

  Tolkien quotations

  *These may increase chances of getting pulled over.

  NAMING YOUR VEHICLE

  All hippie vehicles have a name. (See “How to Name Your Hippie Baby”.)

  How to Change the Oil in Your VW Bus

  These directions should work for all pre-1973 Volkswagen buses. Change the oil every three months or three thousand miles, whichever comes first.

  WHAT YOU NEED

  19-mm wrench

  A flat pan to collect the drained oil (big enough for 3 quarts)

  10-mm wrench

  Solvent to wash the oil strainer screen and plate.

  Oil change gasket kit

  2.5 L oil (30W should be fine)

  Take your bus for a drive the length of at least three Grateful Dead songs. This will allow the oil to warm up so you’ll be sure to get out all the sludge when you drain it.

  Park and turn off the bus, and look under it. The oil drain plate is the round plate in the middle underside of the engine or, depending on your model, the middle underside left. There is a large bolt (the drain plug) in the center and 6 nuts spaced around the perimeter.

  Use the 19-mm wrench and loosen the drain plug until you can turn it by hand. Do not loosen all the way.

  Place the pan beneath this bolt and continue to loosen until the bolt comes out and the oil starts flowing. Remember, the oil is hot, so be careful.

  Let the oil drain into your pan for 15 minutes.

  When the oil has drained out, use the 10-mm wrench to undo the 6 nuts holding the oil drain plate in place (keep the nuts and washers in a safe place so you don’t lose them). Remove the plate, keeping the pan in place to catch any remaining oil.

  Remove the screen from the bottom of the engine and wash it in solvent.

  Wash the plate in solvent, too.

  Now remove the gaskets from the oil drain plate and from the bottom of the engine where you removed the plate. Dispose of the old gaskets.

  Put new gaskets on each side of the screen and work it up on the studs. Follow quickly with the clean plate.

  Replace and tighten the washers and nuts with the 10-mm wrench.

  Put the drain plug in and tighten it with the 19-mm wrench.

  Fill the engine with oil. Check under the bus for leaks and tighten drain plug and nuts if necessary.

  How to Take Care of Birkenstocks

  For a group of folks who eschew material goods, a pair of Birkenstocks is a significant investment. Many hippies who do not wash their hair will go to great lengths to extend the life of their footwear.

  AVOID INTENSE HEAT

  The cork and soles can be damaged by exposure to concentrated heat. Do not leave your Birks in the minibus at Burning Man, and keep them away from the communal bonfire at night. If your shoes become wet while you are cavorting in a stream, allow them to dry slowly, away from sources of heat.

  REPAIR WORN SOLES

  Don’t wait for your soles to wear down to the cork. Have the soles repaired when they have been worn down to about 1/8 inch, before the cork is damaged.

  RINSE OFF SALT

  If you walk on the beach in your Birks, be s
ure to immediately wash off the salt-water residue with fresh water to avoid corrosion.

  KEEP TRACK OF YOUR SHOES

  Many a hippie has left his Birkenstocks on a porch, beach, or youth hostel stoop, only to have them pinched in short order. If you leave your shoes behind, at least hide them under a towel, bury them in sand (but mark the spot so that you can find them later), or cover them with branches.

  How to Teach a Dog to Catch a Frisbee

  WHAT YOU NEED

  2 Frisbees

  A bandanna

  A dog

  Buy your dog a Frisbee to have around the house. Let him carry it around, chew on it, wear it as a hat, whatever. The idea here is to let your dog become comfortable with the notion of a Frisbee existing in the world, so that later, when it comes careening toward his head, he will not panic quite so much. This Frisbee will become your “nasty Frisbee.”

  Tie a sporty bandanna around your dog’s neck (optional).

  Find a park (or backyard) with enough open space for your dog to frolic without running into traffic. The park should be dog friendly so that your dog can be off leash, but not so dog friendly that when you throw the Frisbee for your dog, seventeen other dogs lunge for it. If you have a fenced-in backyard, all the better.

  Throw the other Frisbee, the “nice” one, for your dog. You will use the nice Frisbee for training because you will notice that the nasty Frisbee is so chewed up that it defies the laws of physics. Also, using a nice Frisbee will let your dog know that this is a special and important occasion. (Most dogs will chase a Frisbee, especially a nice one. Some will bring it back, but most will simply pick it up and taunt you with it.)

  Once your dog gets the idea that a thrown Frisbee is something to be caught, start taunting him with it. Play tug-of-war. Hold the Frisbee up above your head and encourage your dog to jump for it. Once your dog has mastered jumping for the Frisbee, try dropping it as your dog jumps. Do this until your dog gets used to catching a moving Frisbee.

  Throw the Frisbee, starting with short tosses, and move on to longer throws as your dog progresses. Praise each catch effusively.

  Note: You can also teach a small child to catch a Frisbee using this method.

  How to Make Sand Candles as Holiday Gifts

  One of the great joys of being a hippie is its attendant opportunity to thwart the capitalist economic machine. Hippies, as a rule, never, ever give store-bought presents.

  WHAT YOU NEED

  Sand

  Broom handle, drinking glass, spoon, or other object for shaping candle mold

  Wicks

  Skewer

  Candle wax, or paraffin

  Crayons for color (optional)

  Batik cloth

  1. Go to Laguna Beach, California. If you cannot get to Laguna Beach, fill a tall container with sand from a nearby beach or local schoolyard sandbox. Some “sand candle geeks” insist on using store-bought sand, but of course hippies do not buy store-bought sand when there is perfectly good sand to be gotten without supporting the war machine. (Just be sure to sift the cat poop out of any sandbox sand.)

  2. Add enough water to the sand so that it holds its shape when you press it together with your hands.

  3. Dig a hole in the sand in the shape you want your candle to be. You can use a broom handle to make the shape of a tall, thin pillar candle or a small glass to make the shape of a votive candle. Or you can get fancy and use a spoon to try to create a likeness of Janis Joplin.

  4. When your sand mold is finished, hold a piece of wick over the approximate center and secure it to a skewer positioned horizontally over the hole. The part tied to the skewer will be the top of the wick; be sure that the other end reaches the bottom center of your sand mold and does not drift to the side of your candle.

  5. Melt the wax in a double boiler (or in an old coffee can over a campfire if you’re on the beach). Add unwrapped crayons to the wax for color, if you like, continuing to heat the wax until the crayons melt. Carefully pour the wax into the hole.

  6. Let the wax cool and harden overnight.

  7. Snip the wick about an inch above the top of the wax. Slip your hands under the candle and gently lift it out. Brush off any excess sand.

  8. Wrap in batik cloth.

  Left column, from top to bottom:

  End of Broomstick

  Wax

  Right column, from top to bottom:

  Water

  Skewer

  Wick

  How to Draw Psychedelic Letters

  Hippies have the grooviest lettering style of all the counterculture movements. The psychedelic free-form bubble lettering popularized by the Haight-Ashbury concert posters of the mid to late 1960s is an art that takes much practice to replicate. Each artist brings his or her own interpretation, and no hippie lettering is the same. But there are some tricks.

  THE TRICKS

  Imagine that the letters are expanding outward into the universe.

  Don’t use right angles, ever.

  Connect each letter to the one next to it.

  Vary letter sizes.

  Do not use punctuation.

  How and When to Flash a Peace Sign

  HOW TO FLASH A PEACE SIGN

  With palm facing out, fold your pinky finger and ring finger toward your palm, holding them in place with your thumb.

  Extend your index finger and middle finger in a V shape.

  WHEN TO FLASH A PEACE SIGN

  In greeting

  In all photographs

  To another driver, after committing a traffic violation

  When faced with members of the U.S. armed forces

  When passing other hippies

  After giving a speech

  In farewell

  WHEN NOT TO FLASH A PEACE SIGN

  When being questioned by the police

  When encountering a deaf person (in American Sign Language this is the sign for the letter V, and will cause confusion)

  The peace symbol (younger readers might mistake it for a Mercedes logo) was designed by Gerald Holtom to serve as the symbol for the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament in 1958.

  The symbol is based on the semaphore signals for the letters N (nuclear) and D (disarmament). Holtom also later described the symbol as an image of “an individual in despair, with palms stretched outwards and downwards in the manner of Goya’s peasant before the firing squad.”

  HOW TO SIT IN THE LOTUS POSITION

  Sit on the floor in a cross-legged position.

  Slowly pull your left foot onto your right thigh, sole up.

  Slowly pull your right foot onto your left thigh, sole up.

  Sit up straight.

  Remember that pain is a transcendent pleasure on the road to enlightenment.

  How to Meditate

  Find a quiet place.

  Sit up straight in a comfortable position, either in a chair or on the floor in the lotus position.

  Close your eyes. (You may meditate with your eyes open or closed, but people who meditate with their eyes open tend to be scary.)

  Focus on your breathing. Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Imagine your breath fanning out of your mouth, ridding your body of heat and toxins.

  You may notice that your mind is full of clutter. You may start to think of things you didn’t know you cared about, like the name of your fourth-grade teacher, your favorite Peter Fonda film, or the lyrics to “Yellow Submarine.” Let these thoughts pass through your mind. Don’t judge them. Stay focused on your breath. Visualize your forehead as a piece of smooth silk. Continue sitting and focusing for 10 or 15 minutes.

  Bliss out.

  Repeat daily.

  If you meditate regularly, you will notice that your mind will become more quiet and your nose won’t itch as much.

  How to Howl at the Moon

  Don’t wait for a full moon! Moon howling can occur at any time of the month, as long as the moon is visible in the sky.

  Surrender your self-conscio
usness.

  Lean your head back.

  Look at the moon.

  Howl in a lupine manner.

  I did not howl at the moon until I was in college, when I went to an Earth First rally. The speaker was Dave Foreman, an environmentalist warrior known for, among other things, his howling. We were all crammed in a university lecture hall in Orange County, California. We did not feel one with the woods. Foreman howled. We all looked at him. Foreman howled again. We all looked at each other. A few people headed for the door. Foreman kept howling. Within moments we were all howling like madcap werewolves.

  How to Choose a Mantra

  Some people employ mantras while meditating. A mantra is a word that you say over and over in your mind, until the word becomes meaningless and your mind empties of distracting thoughts. You’ll want to choose a word that rolls off the tongue. For instance, say “puddle” rather than “Schenectady.” Many meditating hippies choose mantras such as “Om shanti,” drawn from languages that they do not speak, since these don’t carry as much semantic baggage. Once you pick a mantra, keep it to yourself. People say that it loses power if you spread it around. Also, other people don’t care.