02 Unforgivable - Untouchable

by Lindsay Delagair

  I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I couldn’t risk it. I swallowed at the annoying lump in my throat and took another long drink.

  “Stop it, Leese—put the glass down—don’t drink anymore. I can’t do what I came here to do, even if I don’t get the answers I need. I can’t hurt you, again.”

  I looked at him for a long moment. His eyes kept going back to my glass. I felt a soft warmness creeping through me and I was instantly alarmed. “Oh God, Micah, you didn’t,” I stated as terror gripped me. I stood up clutching against my blouse. “Please, please tell me you didn’t.” I hadn’t eaten yet and I knew if I was feeling the effects now, it was in my blood stream. My stomach began to roll as the nausea from the knowledge hit me. I didn’t try to stop it as I went to the railing and began to heave.

  “I had to know,” he said sounding desperate. He got up from the floor and stood behind me, but he kept his word and didn’t touch me. “It’s the only way I can get you to tell me. I didn’t want to do it, but—”

  “Micah, you idiot,” I snapped, rubbing my temples and turning to face him, “I can’t take drugs now—I’m pregnant!”

  His face turned the color of ash, “Leese, I had no idea. I’d never hurt a baby, not even Ryan’s.” Sincerity and regret filled his face. “God forgive me,” he said, reaching out to me, but then refraining.

  I looked at him. He still didn’t understand, “Micah, I’ve never had sex with Ryan. The only thing I ever did was kiss him.”

  “But…” he looked more confused than ever.

  “This is the purpose God had—this is our baby. It’s all I had left of you.” I was still growing warmer and knew the drug was in my system. “Oh, God, please,” I prayed out loud, “Don’t let this hurt the baby.” I broke down sobbing and went into his arms. He didn’t expect me to do that, but it was too late and he was going to have to get me through this.

  “Do I take you to a hospital?” he wept out as he cradled me in his arms.

  “There’s nothing left inside me. Hold me, Micah, and if I tell you what this is all about you can’t change it. You can’t stay with me—you can’t leave the mob again.”

  He tipped my face up and kissed me, “I won’t hurt you, Leese. I’m just going to take you inside and lay you down.”

  It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered as I grew warmer and weaker. He scooped me up in his arms and my mind started to drift.

  I don’t remember much of the rest of the evening. I only remember being in his arms, his mouth on mine, and some of what I said. I remember saying D’Angelo’s name and Micah’s anger, rage, and bitterness, but he was gentle with me. I recalled asking him to take off my clothes and the feel of his mouth against my stomach as he kissed and stroked me tenderly. The only other thing I recall was the constant murmur as he told me how very sorry he was about what he’d done.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  When I woke the next morning, I was nauseous and weak, but the feeling of his arm around me was like finding a lost piece of heaven. I rolled onto my back, my blouse was gone, but my bra was still on me as was my underwear. Micah’s shirt was gone, but his jeans were still in place.

  “Are you okay?” I heard him whisper.

  “I’m still sick to my stomach, but not anything like I was when David did this to me.” I didn’t even want to discuss it, but I had to know, “How much did you put in my drink?”

  “Enough for two; David told me he gave you enough for a half dozen. Leese, I’m sorry I did this to you. I had no idea about the baby. All I knew was that Ryan said someone forced this on you and I had to know. You shouldn’t have left. You should have come to me and we would have gotten my family together and figured this out.”

  “What would you have done, Micah? You would have charged upstairs and someone would have cut you down. I couldn’t risk letting him destroy your family or you; my life didn’t matter at that point.”

  I caught the first tear as it flowed down his cheek, “You mean everything to me. Don’t ever say your life doesn’t matter.”

  I rose up on my elbow and kissed his lips. I knew we’d kissed last night, but I wanted him to know that, sober, I still loved him so much.

  “I don’t know how you can even stand to be near me after what happened between us, baby.”

  “What I couldn’t stand was being away from you. Aaah!” I gasped; my hand dropping to the mound where there once was only flat stomach.

  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Micah move so quickly from lying down to upright.

  “What’s wrong?” came his panicked reply.

  I grabbed his hand and placed it against my stomach and watched the splendid amazement hit him. “I—I can feel the baby moving,” he breathed. “Is it okay? I mean have you felt this before?”

  “I’ve felt the sensation, but not this strong. Yes, it’s okay—just getting comfortable I think, but help me up. I’m calling my doctor to see if he can get me in. I need to ask him about—Ecstasy.”

  I called my doctor and told him I had, unintentionally, taken a little Ecstasy last night and I wanted to see him to make sure everything was okay. He paused for a long moment on the phone and I wasn’t sure if he was trying to figure out how I’d done it unintentionally or if he was concerned about the effects.

  “I’ll see you as soon as you get here.”

  My heart beat grew faster as I thanked him and hung up.

  “Do I wait here or—”

  “This is your child and I want you with me.”

  “God, I don’t believe it, I—”

  “Micah you’re the only man I’ve ever slept with,” I emphasized, feeling a little hurt at his statement.

  “No, it’s not that—you know I believe you. It’s that, for once in my life, I’m scared to death. I’m shaking,” he said, holding out his trembling hands so that I could see.

  I rose up and brought my mouth to his for a gentle kiss, “I guess this means I should drive?”

  “Yeah, I really think you should.”

  We didn’t say much to each other as we drove along the coastline to the doctor’s office. But he kept watching me the entire way. I don’t think he ever noticed the cliffs and the beautiful ocean crashing gently against the breath-taking coastline; all he did was stare at me. He finally spoke when we pulled into the medical complex.

  “I never thought you could look more beautiful than the day I married you, but I swear you’ve changed to someone even more spectacular.”

  I smiled and squeezed his hand, “Let’s go.”

  I wasn’t sure how I was going to explain my ‘drug use’ when Dr. Cray asked me, but Micah spoke before I could open my mouth.

  “It’s my fault. I didn’t know she was pregnant and I—I spiked her drink.”

  “You know you can go to jail for that,” Dr. Cray scowled.

  “I know I should go to jail for it,” Micah confirmed.

  Dr. Cray sighed, as he turned back to me, “Leese, if you did this on a regular basis or even just on a recreational basis, we’d be looking at multiple birth defect issues, but since you are in your second trimester and the fact that this is the only time during your pregnancy that you’ve been…” he shot an annoyed glance at Micah. “…been exposed to it, the baby should be fine. But I do want to get a sonogram, just to make sure everything is normal. Is he the father?”

  “Yes,” I said, finally finding my smile.

  “Good, then he can stay, but don’t ever, ever—”

  “I swear, never again,” Micah spoke up. “I didn’t know.”

  “That part doesn’t matter. Never give someone a substance without their knowledge.”

  “I won’t.”

  The ultrasound machine was brought in, but first he placed a microphone against my stomach to listen to the baby’s heartbeat; a rapid pulsing sound filled the room. I’d heard it before, but I watched the smile spread across Micah’s face, and then concern.

  “It’s so fast. Is that normal?”

  “Yes,�
�� Dr. Cray stated, “babies have much faster rhythms and then they slow down with age. That sounds good to me. What do you think, Leese? Do you want to find out if this is a boy or a girl today?”

  I nodded, afraid to speak as the jelly was smeared across my stomach and the ultrasound machine was turned on. Micah gasped as the picture came on the screen of our child. He was squeezing my hand tightly as every detail of the tiny face, arms, body and legs appeared with the three dimensional image. One thing became immediately obvious and I knew it before Dr. Cray could say it.

  “It’s a—a boy,” I stammered. I had a feeling I was carrying a boy, but I didn’t know until now.

  “Congratulations. Yes, your right, it’s a boy.”

  Micah was a wreck and he dropped down in a nearby chair as the doctor cleaned off the jelly and then helped me sit up.

  “All looks fine and—”

  “Dr. Cray, what about—about having sex?”

  Micah’s head shot up as he looked at me, “No, I don’t think you’re allowed.”

  Dr. Cray laughed, “I don’t get that response from too many fathers-to-be. Sex is fine, encouraged even because it has a calming effect, afterwards of course, on your body. As long as you two aren’t into anything rough—”

  “No,” Micah interjected. “Never again.”

  That earned him another scowl from the doctor, “As I was saying, yes you can. And a lot of women find that it is the most heightened sexual time of their lives because all the senses are extra receptive during pregnancy.”

  “Thank you,” I said, swallowing hard and shaking his hand.

  I had never seen anything affect Micah so desperately. I got the opposite reaction on the drive back to the cottage as he stared out the Jeep, head turned hard right as the scenery passed by. I pulled up to the cottage and got out, but he just sat there.

  “Come on,” I coaxed as I closed my door, but still peering through the open driver’s window. “Micah?”

  “I don’t deserve this,” he stated. “I don’t deserve you. You should hate me for what I did, and I don’t know if I can handle forgiveness. I can’t see how this could be anything that God purposed.”

  I leaned in the door frame, resting my head on my forearms as the brilliant California sunshine warmed my back. “Micah…” I waited for him to look at me. When he turned, I began. “Do you remember the few days we had together, and the conversation about getting me pregnant?”

  “Of course I do, but—”

  “Do you think that four months after telling me you wanted to wait, you would have changed your mind? I know I wouldn’t have.”

  “You don’t want to be pregnant, do you?” he sadly questioned.

  “I was okay with letting it happen during those first few times, but I knew it would only be if God planned it.” I reached inside the Jeep and grabbed on to his hand, but he looked away. “When I ran away and my period started a week later, I was crushed. I wanted to be carrying your baby so badly because if I couldn’t have you, at least I would have had a part of you.” I gave his hand a tug to get him to look at me. “I had no clue God had the day of conception already planned—not in a way that either one of us wanted, but it’s all a matter of timing. Don’t you understand? This baby wouldn’t exist if all this didn’t happen.”

  He swallowed as he looked at me with anguished filled eyes, “But—I—hurt—you,” he paused on every word to make his point.

  “Yeah, you did, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. But as bad as that was physically, it didn’t even come close to the pain of leaving you. Come inside, Micah. We don’t have a lot of time together and—”

  The expression changed quickly from sorrow to disbelief, “D’Angelo isn’t going to keep us apart.”

  “He said if he finds out that we’re back together your family won’t last twenty-four hours. I’m not going to let that happen.”

  “I’m going to kill him,” The words were ice cold as a flicker of blankness appeared in his eyes.

  “No! You can’t go after him. I may not know much about how the mob works, but I know he’s your superior and you can’t touch him.”

  “He’s used me since I was fourteen to do his dirty work—and I don’t mean things that were contracted. When he forced you into this, he stepped over the line and I am going to take his life in payment.”

  “I want to ask you something, Micah, but, to tell you the truth, I’ve got to get inside because I still feel a little sick to…” He was out of the Jeep before I could finish the sentence.

  I opened the bedroom windows and let the ocean breeze flow into the room and then lay down on the thick comforter, making room for him beside me. He hesitated and then finally joined me.

  “D’Angelo told me something that day that’s bothered me ever since and I want to know if it’s true.”

  “I’m sure it has something to do with all the people I’ve killed. I was hoping we’d never get into this, but,” he seemed to be steeling himself for my question, “go ahead.”

  “Not everyone, just the first one.” I watched his reaction and knew this was the question he was honestly dreading, “Was it a woman? A woman you slept with?”

  “I was fourteen, Leese,” he didn’t sound like he was offering it as an excuse, but just a sad beginning to a story I knew I’d regret hearing. “My dad determined I was ready to be a soldier for the mob, but D’Angelo was the one who told me I would be different. I should have paid with my life for what he had me do, but we have kept his private work secret from the rest of the family. Believe it or not, the mob values honesty at the highest level. If a superior asks you a question, you’d better be telling the truth. He’s had me lying to superiors ever since he had me kill the mob boss’s wife.”

  I knew this wasn’t good. If he had been breaking mob rules from the beginning and D’Angelo used it against him… I pulled my body up close to him because I’d begun to shiver in the cool air. He reached over me and pushed the closest window frame shut, to keep the breeze off me.

  “D’Angelo told me she was a whore, an unfaithful woman that had wormed her way into a marriage to the head of the clan. He said she didn’t deserve a place of honor in the family, but he would give her a chance by testing her loyalty—with me.” His breathing was getting shallower and I knew he hated having to tell me this. “D’Angelo said she had a particular weakness for young boys, and, if it was true, and she tried to seduce me, I was to kill her. He said I’d be doing the Boss a favor, but we would never let him know we’d handled it for him.” He paused, then asked, “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

  “Yes,” I shivered, realizing it hadn’t been the breeze that was shaking me inside.

  “She’d decided to spend a few days in Gulfport gambling and sunning on the beach. It was my first outing as a member of the mob and my parents trusted D’Angelo—they thought I was taking care of a small time hood that had been skimming business and was on the run. They never knew what I was really doing.”

  “So he took you to where this woman was and—and…”

  “I met her out on the beach. I had no idea what to do with a woman. D’Angelo told me to go over and say hello, offer to help her in some way or just hang out near her. He was right, she did like young boys, but particularly well-built young boys and it wasn’t long before she had me wrapped around her finger. I spent an afternoon getting to know her; she was beautiful, twenty-one years old and eager to be the first woman I’d ever slept with. I’ll never forget her bringing me into her room. I wanted to have sex with her, but the whole time I kept telling myself if we crossed that line, I was supposed to kill her. I didn’t want to hurt her; she was fascinating to me.”

  “He never should have put you in a position like that, Micah. You were too young and—”

  “And too stupid,” he added. “She took me and I was freaked out by the emotions. I hadn’t learned control and, after the first time, she aroused me again, and I knew I had to finish the job. If I didn’t, I’d be a f
ailure—most likely D’Angelo would have killed me and returned home and told my parents that the target got me first. I didn’t have a gun; he never told me what to do, so I simply turned animal. She seemed to like getting rough, until I got my hands around her throat.” His voice caught on the last words. “I killed her with my bare hands and I swore I’d rather shoot someone than to do that again. You know what she went through, Leese. I did the same thing to you when I raped you.” The tears were washing down his face. The pain was incredible and intense for him.

  “But you didn’t kill me, Micah. If you’d been under better control, you’d—”

  “I never would have hurt you, Leese, if I could have helped it.”

  He rolled over and caressed my cheek and then buried his face into my neck as I stroked his hair and tried to quiet his anguish.

  “Is that all, Micah?” I had to know if there was anything more to what D’Angelo had done to him. I could feel him shaking his head no, but he didn’t seem ready to talk so I simply held him and waited.

  When he finally raised his head, he seemed composed and ready to finish telling me what happened. “He was very—very happy with the way I killed her and so, to celebrate, he bought me a whore for the night as a gift for doing what he wanted.”

  “You were a child, a fourteen year-old child, and he bought you a hooker?” I couldn’t keep the ire out of my response.

  “Yeah, and if he hadn’t been in the same room with me when I… I almost killed her, too. My sexual drive had been linked to murder and I couldn’t see how to separate the two. I eventually learned control, but women were nothing to me. They were something to use and walk away from…until I met you.”

  He rose up on his elbow to look down on me, seemingly wanting to touch me, but was hesitating, “You don’t know how different you are. You are so innocent, trusting and naïve, like some kind of creature that never existed in my world. When I met you, I came so close to killing you because you actually frightened me, and that was a new experience. You told me I had to be a gentleman; that was new for me, too. I had control, but I never had that kind of restraint. I couldn’t even kiss you. And then when you made the kiss your final request, all I could think was that it would be like going back to the real me—passion and death all over again.”