Running Away From Love

by Jessica Tamara

  I couldn’t control the emotions that began to pour out of me. “Oh my God! I really can’t believe your saying this shit to me right now! Just dismiss me like I ain’t shit! Even after all these years you can’t show me more respect than that, Trey? You knew what you wanted for a very long time, Trey, but you wait until now to say all of this to me. This couldn’t have come at a worse time. What am I going to do now?”

  He looked confused trying to understand what I meant. He said “What are you talking about, Jasmine? What do you mean what are you going to do now. You need to let me go, and move the fuck on with your life. Cut that whiny needy shit out man! You are way to grown for this. You out here looking desperate as fuck, and the shit is disgusting to me!”

  As he said this I swear I heard my heart shattering into a million pieces. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe and the room seemed like it was getting smaller by the second. I could feel myself getting so upset that I was getting nauseous and dizzy. I tried my best to calm myself down before I got too upset, and passed the hell out. The real reason I was excited to come here was to finally tell him I was five weeks pregnant with our child. This definitely was not in the plans for how this weekend was supposed to go. But as crazy as it sounds I wasn’t surprised by any of this either. All the signs have been there all along, but I chose to ignore all of them. This is exactly what I get for being so foolish. My mom always told me to trust my instincts, and with Trey I ignored them all!

  I wanted to tell him I was pregnant, but after hearing what he had just said, I couldn’t even get the words to leave my mouth. I’ve been keeping this pregnancy a secret from everyone, even my best friend. I never keep secrets from London. I guess I was afraid of what type of reaction I would get from everyone knowing what the situation was between him and me. I really didn’t want to be known as someone’s baby mother. I wanted to be his wife, and start a family with him. What I wanted right now was for him to take me into his arms, and tell me everything was going to be ok. I needed for him to tell me he would be there for me. If I spoke up now he would only think I got pregnant, or was telling him I was pregnant, in an attempt to keep him around. And the last thing I wanted was to feel like my child was resented by its father, or for the father of my child to resent me. So I decided he would never know. I had heard so many different times how much he didn’t want kids right now. The crazy part was we didn’t use condoms all the time. He sometimes got lazy and didn’t want to pull out. He thought I would take the Plan B pill every time, and it would solve it. He didn’t care to notice that it made me sick to my stomach every single time I took it. I bet he didn’t even care what the long term effects of taking it would have on my body when I wanted to have kids. His only concern was himself.

  I knew the exact day that I got pregnant. It was when he came back home to visit. We didn’t use a condom that night. I told him to put a condom on because I wasn’t taking the plan b pill anymore. He whispered in my ear telling me to trust him, and how much he loved me. So I trusted him and now I’m left in a really fucked up situation. I couldn’t stand being here any longer. Even though it hurt like hell to finally hear where I stood with him, I guess it was what I needed to hear. All the bullshit with Trey has become all too familiar to me now. I wanted it all to be over. I blocked out anything else he was trying to say to me. He had already said enough.

  He interrupted my thoughts as he said “I’m sorry to be so harsh with you Jasmine. Please try to understand where I’m coming from. It’s frustrating as hell to see you like this. This girl really ain’t you, Jas. I know you want to be with me, but right now I need to focus on my future. I know the longer you hold onto me the more I’m going to keep breaking your heart and disappointing you. It’s best we end this thing now. I can’t give you what you want. Let me go.”

  I still didn’t respond. I got up, collected my things, and prepared to leave as tears fell continuously from my eyes.

  “Jasmine,” he called out, “please stop crying and talk to me. Don’t leave it like this. I hate to see you cry because of me, baby. Just say something, please. I need to know you are okay with all of this.” He grabbed me by the arm to stop me, but I turned around and slapped the shit out of him.

  He looked at me, stunned, but he knew that he deserved that shit. I looked at him with hurt, hate, and anger. After I hit him he knew he needed to back up, and get the hell out of my face. So he stepped back and gave me my space to walk away.

  Before I walked out, I looked over my shoulder and said “You really don’t have shit else to say to me. I hate you! I regret the day I met you, Trey! That’s how I feel about all of this, and that is how I feel about you. No I am not ok! Would you be ok if someone did some shit like this to you? I would have never imagined that the Trey I fell in love with would turn into the person I’m looking at right now. I don’t even know who you are. Before we first said we loved each other, you promised me you wouldn’t hurt me, Trey, but you lied! You’re a damn good liar! You used me! You did exactly what you promised you would never do. But you didn’t just hurt me; you broke me.”

  I left it at that as I grabbed my bags and walked out of the door. I was in such a rush to get away, I didn’t even realize my gold name plate necklace, which means the world to me, fell off my neck. It was a gift for my 16th birthday from my grandfather who had passed away a couple years ago. As I walked out he picked up the necklace, and was about to give it back to me. I guess he decided against it and just let me go. As I got outside I realized I was in this big ass city with nowhere to go. But I didn’t care as long as wherever I was going was far away from here. I glanced back to see if he was even going to try and come after me, but that was wishful thinking on my part. So I started walking until I could hail down a cab. I wanted to get a flight out of here as soon as possible. As soon as I got into the cab I told him to take me to the airport. As he drove off I never felt so alone in my life.

  I was able to bump my flight up, and get a flight out tonight. After about 4 hours of waiting I finally boarded a plane home. As soon as I sat down on the plane all I did was cry. I cried so much my eyes became swollen, and it burned every time a tear formed. A woman sitting across from me looked at me with so much concern. She looked like it took everything in her not to come over and console me. I knew she could see the pain I was feeling. Never in my life have I felt so much pain in my heart. Not only did I let go of someone who I loved, but now I had his unborn child growing inside of me. At this point I had no idea what I was going to do. It felt like my world was crashing down all around me, and I had no way to shield and protect myself. All I could do was let it all fall in hopes it didn’t crush me in the process. If I couldn’t trust a man who I’ve known for years, how in the hell can I trust any other man who tries to tell me he loves me. I didn’t want to be this girl, but I felt like I might never really trust again. Before the doors of the plane closed I looked down at my phone. I saw I had a message from Trey. It said “I’m really sorry, Jasmine, and I really do love you. I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me. But it really is for the best we are apart.”

  I typed a message back saying “You don’t love anybody but yourself. Act like you never knew me, Trey, because as of today you don’t exist to me.” After I sent the message, I turned my phone off completely. It took this hard ass blow to my face for me to realize that maybe this was for the best no matter how bad it hurt. I made up in my mind right then and there. I will never be a fool for love ever again. If that means never fully opening up to anyone else ever again then so be it. For as long as I live I will never allow myself to feel this type of pain ever again. I let my life revolve around a man and ended up losing myself in the process. I had been so focused on pleasing him, I didn’t even notice how so much of my life had already passed me by.

  Now I’m 24 years old, and I haven’t paid the slightest bit of attention to making my own dreams a reality. There are still so many other things I want to do. And right now I’m nowhere near reachin
g those goals. I really need to get my life together and get focused. I used to be the girl with so many ideas, dreams, and ambitions. Anyone who knows me knows writing was my first love. I used to be able to sit down and write for hours. Writing was second nature to me. I closed my eyes and decided that today I needed to make a serious change. Now is the time for me to focus on my future. For the longest time I’ve been standing still and watching everyone else move right past me. I’ve been trying to move, but I feel like I have been stuck in place. I felt too scared to leave my little comfort zone. I always knew what I wanted, but I didn’t have the drive or motivation to go out and get it. I guess in a lot of ways I used Trey as my distraction. I guess I used him to avoid having to grow up. Maybe we were so used to each other that we eventually grew into each other’s distraction. Now that he is gone I really don’t have anything standing in my way anymore. The issue facing me now is that I’m five weeks pregnant by a man who I now despise. At this point I’m not really sure who Jasmine is anymore. I realize I need to take the time out to find the answer that question. But will I really be able to find myself while being someone’s mom. As the plane began to take off, I closed my eyes, and I prayed for some type of relief from all the pain. With all the stress I was under I would probably make myself have a miscarriage if I kept on going like this. What I did know was that if this was what love feels like I don’t want to feel it ever again.

  It took me about two hours to get home, but as soon as I got home I crashed. I just wanted to be left alone. No one was expecting me to be home for a couple more days anyway. So that meant more days for me to try to pull myself together. But how I’m feeling right now I don’t even know when that would actually be possible. I didn’t even want to tell my family what happened with Trey, because I knew they would end up telling me they told me so. They all warned me that I was wasting my time with him. They thought he had some serious growing up to do. But I went against them all hoping they were all wrong. I had complete faith that Trey would eventually get his shit together. I would always say that he loved me, but he needed some time. To me, no one understood what he and I shared. Our connection was never forced in the beginning. But I admit I was forcing the connection the last two years. I wanted to have a lasting and meaningful relationship with a man who I loved and who loved me back. As I look back on it not only did I try to convince my friends and family to believe in him, but I also tried to convince myself. After being let down time after time my faith in him was completely lost. As soon as I came into my bedroom and dropped my bags, I was greeted by a picture of me and Trey sitting on my nightstand. Looking at his face made the anger rise up all over again. I picked up the picture and threw it against the wall. I watched the glass shatter into pieces just like our relationship and my heart. I wanted no signs of him anywhere near me that shit had to go. As I crawled into my bed the smell of his cologne still lingered all over me. I ripped off my clothes as quickly as I could to get the smell of him off of me. I pulled the covers over my head and closed my eyes. I tried to go to sleep, but I tossed and turned all night long. The tears wouldn’t stop falling. I found it damn near impossible to sleep in the midst of my misery.

  After about a week of wallowing in my misery I had finally came to a conclusion about this baby situation. In the end I decided I wasn’t ready right now to raise a child all on my own. The timing wasn’t right for me to bring a child into this world. I was far from being able to be the mother I knew my child would need me to be. I felt like my first child deserved better than to be brought into this world with dysfunctional parents. So about a week later I had London drive me to the woman‘s clinic.

  As we were driving she said “Jasmine, are you really sure you want to do this? I mean you have people who love you who can help you out with this baby. You are not alone in all of this I hope you know that. I know you may feel all alone without Trey being here, but you really are not. It doesn’t matter if Trey chooses to be here for you. That’s his loss, Jasmine, not yours. Speaking of which does he even know about you being pregnant?”

  I sighed and as I said, “I know I have people who will be there for me. I can’t have this baby right now, London. I really can’t deal with having Trey’s baby. I know that sounds really selfish of me, but it’s really how I feel. As horrible as it sounds, I really want to move on with my life with nothing to remind me of him. I‘m not ready to be a single parent. I don’t want to have to depend on everybody else for help with my child. I want to have a family, London. I want my first child to grow up with a family that includes its father being there 100%. There is no way it would work with him living in a different city, and me being here in Buffalo, trying to raise a child together. It definitely won’t help that he doesn’t even want to be with me, let alone have a baby with me. It’s all wrong. In all honesty, I don’t think I’m any more ready for a baby than he is.” She just stared at me knowing I didn’t even tell Trey about the baby seeing how I ignored her question. But she let it go.

  But it didn’t keep her from making sure I was sure. Concerned she asked “I really hope you aren’t letting your anger and hurt be the reasons you’re making this decision. I know you, Jasmine, and you do not look like you really are sure about this. Do you need more time to think about it?” She didn’t want me to have any regrets.

  I shook my head knowing I was telling her a lie. She knows that when I’m angry or hurt there really is no talking logically to me.

  She shrugged and said “Okay, Jasmine, I support you no matter what your decision is. Have you considered telling Trey about the baby? Don’t you think he has the right to know? Maybe if he knew your decision might change. How do you know he doesn’t want the baby? And before you start trying to curse me out, just hear me out. I’m only saying this because I don’t think it’s right to not give someone the chance to know about their child. No matter how much of an ass he is, he does have the right to choose, Jasmine.”

  I looked at her like she just lost her damn mind. “London, are you serious right now? He doesn’t have a right to know anything concerning me anymore. He lost all those damn privileges when he kicked my ass to the curb. Besides, don’t you think if he were really concerned about me I would have heard from him by now? It’s been weeks and not a single word. I know him, London, he would have given me the money with the quickness to get rid of this baby.”

  She shook her head at me, and decided to leave it alone. “Wow,” I said sadly, “Trey and I are really over. You know what’s funny is that it all ended so suddenly, but the pain seems like it will last in my heart and mind forever. I feel broken. I loved him with everything I had in me, and it all blew up my face. Now here I am making, a decision that will probably affect me for the rest of my life. Yes, in reality I would love to keep my baby, but I don’t think I am ready to do this alone. I am so scared, London. I have no clue if I’m making the right decision.” I was holding so much anger and hatred in my heart for Trey. It showed when I speak his name.

  London grabbed my hand in an attempt to calm me down. “It’s okay to be scared, Jasmine. This is life, unfortunately. Things like this happen sometimes. Being with child is a blessing not many women ever get the chance to experience. You really need to listen to your heart, not your emotions. I know you’re hurt, sad, angry, and every other negative emotion. You’re so much stronger than you ever give yourself credit. You really need to start seeing that for yourself, Jasmine. Like I said, I will stick by you, no matter what you decide in the end. I’m your best friend, and I will never pass judgment on any decisions you decide to make.”

  As we pulled up in front of the clinic, it felt like butterflies were flying all around my stomach. I was a nervous wreck. I rubbed my stomach as I thought about the decision I was about to make. I wondered if it was a little boy or girl. I wondered what the baby would look like, and what personality he or she would have. I kept thinking about all of the what-if’s. Was I really going to go through with this? Was I really making this decision for m
y own benefit? Or was I making this choice solely based on my own anger and selfishness.

  Even with all of this going through my mind I still went inside. And as I signed in I began to look all around the office. Most of the females in there seemed to have the same blank and expressionless look on their face I wore. Some seemed to be content about the decision they were making. I was trying not to be judgmental, but the way it came across made me sick. Some women were talking about how they were going to the club afterwards. I couldn’t understand how they could be so nonchalant with this situation. Hearing them talk like that was mind boggling to me. I began to wonder about the circumstances which the women there. Was it because some guy decided he wasn’t ready for kids? Or was it because she wasn’t ready to be responsible for another life besides her own? I guess I fell into both categories.

  At this point in my life I didn’t feel ready to take on this huge responsibility all on my own. As selfish as it sounds I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone else yet. There was still so much I wanted to do, and I didn’t know if I would be able to get to where I wanted to be with a baby. Not to say it can’t be done because I knew there are plenty women who are doing it as we speak every day. I just knew I was not ready to take on that task.

  My name was called, and I quickly snapped out of my thoughts. I held back the tears which were starting to fill my eyes. I was so damn scared, but I walked forward, and followed the nurse to the back. I kept telling myself I couldn’t bear the thought of having a child with a man who was far from wanting to be its father. Every inch of my heart and soul was pleading for me to stop. But my anger overpowered all other feelings, and I went through with it.