Running Away From Love

by Jessica Tamara

  He laughed as he said “Don’t get to lonely and go messing with some other dude. I really don’t wanna have to catch a case for your ass.”

  I laughed. “Whatever it is not that serious. I know you will be back soon enough. Plus, you know cheating is not my style. When are you coming back home?”

  He said “I will be back in two weeks. And we are going to go out and do something special, I promise.”

  I got excited as I said “I can’t wait!”

  We went on and talked some more about what has been happening at work with me, and how his trip was going. After we hung up I called up London. I missed my best friend so much, and I couldn’t wait to get caught up with her. So much has happened with me lately, and I know the same would be for her.

  We both sounded like a couple of giggly little girls on the phone talking. I updated her on my relationship with Q. I told her that I wasn’t sex deprived anymore. She laughed at me and said “About damn time! You made that man wait too damn long. I would have left your ass!”

  I busted out laughing as I said “Whatever, London! I needed to make sure he was really into me for me, and not just after my panties. I refuse to be just another notch on somebody’s belt.”

  She wanted every detail about our sex life. But she knows I never sex and tell. I keep my private life totally private to a certain extent. I smiled because she knew how private I was, but she would push for info anyway. I just told her that the sex was great, and how much of an amazing man he was. I told her he was romantic, and really knows how to treat a lady.

  She said, full of excitement “Wow, Jasmine, it has been so long since I heard you talk about a guy like this. I’m so glad that you have a real man in your life now. I mean who knows where this could lead. Maybe the two of you could get married, or pop out some babies.”

  I just laughed as I said “Girl, I don’t know about marriage or babies just yet. We haven’t been together long enough.” But I wasn’t the only one with big news. London told me that her boyfriend of four years, Anthony, had just proposed to her last night in front of Niagara Falls, and that she just found out today that she was four weeks pregnant. I almost jumped out of my seat at all of the news.

  I screamed “Oh my God, London I am so happy for you girl! I’m going to get to throw you a bachelorette party and a baby shower. I can’t wait to come back home so we can celebrate the right way. The J and L way.”

  She laughed as she said “Hell yeah, you have to come back soon I need help planning this wedding. We set the date for a summer wedding in August. So we have only a little bit of time to get this all done. Do you think it can be done?”

  I laughed as I said “Hell yeah, it can be done. Plus, we don’t want you being too pregnant walking down the aisle all fat and miserable.”

  She laughed as she said “I know, right? But I don’t think it would be possible for me to be miserable knowing I’m marrying the man of my dreams. I mean you know how my luck with guys has been in the past. I finally found someone who fits with me perfectly, and I have to say that it feels so damn good. You’re next I just know it.”

  I laughed as I said “If anyone deserves it, it is you.”

  She said “So enough about me what else is up with you? Have you seen or heard from Trey at all since you been there?”

  I paused slightly and nervously said “Um, yeah, I actually ran into him last night at a lounge I was kicking it at.”

  She gasped. “Are you serious? What the hell happened when you saw him? And why in the hell did it take your ass so damn long to tell me that. I shouldn’t have to ask your ass about something serious like that.”

  I said “I mean I didn’t really want to talk about it to be honest. I wasn’t prepared at all to see him again. He was surprised to see me, and then saying how much he missed me. He kept trying to plead his case on how things ended between us. I guess he called himself expressing how he was feeling about me. It pissed me off hearing him say all of those things, and I cursed him out. And I kind of let it slip out about me being pregnant by him and having the abortion. I must say that he did look hurt that I didn’t tell him about the baby though. The look on his face once I said I was pregnant by him is bothering me. He looked hurt that I didn’t tell him.”

  London knew all about what went down between Trey and I. She has her likes and dislikes about Trey. But she also knew that Trey was my heart. She wouldn’t dare tell me this right now, but she still thinks he holds my heart even though I would never dare admit it.

  She said “Wow, that’s crazy. I know what happened between you two was really fucked up. And how he handled the whole situation was horrible. But tell me what he said after you told him about the baby?”

  I hated to even talk about the baby. It was still kind of painful for me even to this day. Sometimes I had dreams where I would see this beautiful baby boy who was the spitting image of Trey reaching his arms up for me. He had a smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts. And every time I went to reach for him he would always disappear calling me mommy. To this day I regret the whole thing. I wish that I would have been strong enough to take care of my responsibilities with, or without Trey. I was angry with myself that I let my resentment for Trey make the decision for me. But there is no going back now, so I just have to deal with it at this point.

  As I snapped myself out of my trance, I said “Well he just stood there speechless basically. He didn’t really know what to say to me about it. He only wanted to know why I felt like I couldn’t tell him about the baby. He seemed kind of hurt that I didn’t give him a choice in the situation.”

  She said angrily “Whatever! He acted like he was going to do something about it, and be a damn man! But you know what, Jas, everything happens for a reason. Try not to let this thing with Trey sidetrack to you. I know how distracting it can be with him reappearing in your life again suddenly. Just focus on your new life, and your new man.”

  I needed to hear those words from her, because I wasn’t feeling okay about this situation at all. Seeing Trey last night kind of made me realize it even more now. I told her I would be back home soon so I could help her plan everything. I told her that I loved her before we hung up.

  Today was the day my baby came home. I decided to surprise him. I waited for Q to answer the door. I stood there with nothing on but a trench coat, red pumps and red lipstick. I wore my hair really wild and curly just the way he liked it. I know I looked and smelled great. He just flew back home about three hours ago. I knew that he would probably be tired, but I couldn’t wait any longer to see him. When he opened the door I stood there with a naughty smile on my face. His eyes widened as he saw me standing there.

  He said “What are you doing here baby? I didn’t know you were coming.”

  I smiled as I said “Well, I didn’t tell you because I wanted to surprise you.”

  He glanced over me from head to toe and noticed my bare legs, and red pumps.

  He said “What do you have on, because it looks like you have nothing on at all.”

  I smiled as I unbuttoned my trench coat baring nothing but my naked body. Before I could close my coat, he picked me up, and I straddled myself around his waist. He pulled my coat off and dropped it to the ground.

  “There will be no need for you to put that back on tonight at all!”

  He closed his door and locked it behind him as he took me upstairs to his bedroom.

  As he laid me down on the bed, and he took off his clothes I said “So have you missed me?”

  He gave me a longing kiss and said “I haven’t missed anyone so much in my life.”

  Then we made love for hours to make up for lost time.

  As I woke up the next morning I looked next to me and I didn’t find Q. Instead there was a small gift box on his pillow. I sat up in the bed, and I reached over to pick it up. As I opened the box I found a note that read come downstairs. I speedily jumped up out of the bed, and put on one of Q’s t-shirts along with my underwear before I ran d
ownstairs. I must have looked like a five year old kid waking up on Christmas morning. He was downstairs waiting on me playing with an adorable Yorkie puppy. He even put little pink bows around her ears. I screamed so loud I scared the hell out of the dog. He knew that I have wanted a dog for longest time now. And he actually bought me the exact one that I wanted. I was smiling from ear to ear as I ran over to him and kissed his lips. I gently took the puppy out of his arms, and cuddled her in my arms.

  I said “Baby, when did you get her?”

  He smiled as he said “I already had ordered and paid for her about a week ago while I was out of town. I was just waiting to come home to give her to you. I know sometimes you get lonely when I’m out on the road. So I got her to keep you company. Plus, I have been paying attention to all the hints of you wanting a puppy.”

  I laughed as I said “Wow I can‘t believe you did this! Thank you so much baby!”

  He said “Why wouldn’t I do anything I can for you, Jasmine. But I do have another question to ask you though.”

  I couldn’t take any more surprises in one day. I played with my puppy as I said “Okay, what’s up?”

  He took the puppy out of my arms and placed her onto the floor to play around. He pulled me into him by the waist so he could look into my eyes.

  He said “Well I don’t want to sound like I’m rushing you or anything. But I have been thinking a lot about me and you. And I really want to take our relationship to the next level. I have this huge place and I want to share it with the woman I love. And that woman is you.”

  I was speechless I didn’t see us taking this step so soon. I was too busy thinking about moving in that I didn’t even process that he had just told me that he loved me. By the time I realized what I had just done I knew it was too late to recover. I must have been taking too long to answer him so he said “I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to.” He looked like he wanted to kick himself for saying what he did. I put my finger up to his mouth to make him stop talking.

  “Don’t be sorry, Q, but don’t you think it’s a little early to move in together? Do you think we’re really ready for this? I mean we are still in the beginning stages of our relationship. I don’t want to rush anything between us.” I searched his eyes for any sign of what he was thinking, but I didn’t get anything his face was completely blank. After about five minutes of silence he finally opened his mouth.

  He said “I think we have had enough time to get to know one another. We are not kids in a teenage relationship. I’m ready to take that next step with you, Jasmine, because I see a future with you in my life. I feel like you’re still scared to completely let go, and let there be us instead of just you and me. I just told you that I loved you, and you completely acted like you ain’t even fucking hear me! Understand that I am not the boy from your past relationship. I’m really getting tired of you playing these fucking games with me. I’m 100% real with everything that I say to you. I don’t play games and you know that shit! You need to let what happened with you and old boy the fuck go!”

  I got offended by what he was saying to me. I was not scared to let there be us. I just was not completely sure that I was ready to take such a big step like moving in together just yet. All this shit is new to me. I never got to this point in a relationship where I moved in with my boyfriend. I guess I was never in a relationship this serious before. I’ve always been that person who is slow to accept new things at times. I don’t do it on purpose I’m just a super cautious person when it comes to my life.

  So I responded saying “No, I am not scared of me and you taking that next step in our relationship. What I am saying is that I am not 100% sure if were ready for it to happen just yet. I don’t want to ruin what we have going on right now.”

  He said “You mean you’re not ready, because you really can’t speak for me. I wouldn’t have asked you, Jasmine, if I wasn’t ready for it. But I will tell you why I think you’re not ready. You’re not ready because you are still not over your last relationship heartbreak! Your heart is so damn cold after dealing with him, and I’m trying my best to get you to warm up to me. And I’m getting really fucking tired of always catering to your every emotional need trying to fix the shit that he broke. When am I going to stop having to pay for all of his mistakes? I want all of you, Jasmine, not just what your comfortable giving me. It’s not fair to me how I have to constantly make up for some shit that I didn’t even do.”

  I was shocked that he really was saying all of this. I guess I never realized that I was even holding him accountable for what happened with Trey.

  I was on the defensive now so I said “Trey has nothing to do with you and me, Quincy! You are two very different men, and I know that.”

  He yelled at me this time saying “He has every fucking thing to do with me and you! You’re so scared to let anyone love you, because you’re afraid to get hurt again. Your perspective on men and love is so damn fucked up after dealing with that nigga. But you say you want a man in your life who loves you. Well I’m right here telling you I love you, Jasmine. And if you want me in your life then you really need to let go of your past. Just take a chance and let me love you. Do you really want to miss out on a good man, because you’re scared? I can’t keep going back and forth with you forever, Jasmine.”

  He took my hands into his as he stared into my eyes. He said “I’m right here telling you that I am not him Jasmine, and I will never be him. What we have together is real. I will never let you change who you are for me. I love you just the way that you are, and I wouldn’t have you any other way. I just want you to let go, and let me into your heart. I’m trying to build a future with you. All I want is for you to be as serious about me as I am about you. I don’t think that is too much to ask for. All I’m asking for is for you to take a chance on us. I mean I took a chance on opening myself up to you knowing how emotionally damaged you were. I think it is time that you return the favor.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I mean I knew what he wanted to hear, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to say it. Our whole relationship ever since we agreed to be with each other exclusively has moved so fast. I just didn’t want to rush anything between us. At the same time the truth is that I’m scared to death to tell another man that I love him. I never had a love that was reciprocated back to me like Q has been giving me. So naturally I am skeptical. As I stared into his eyes I could see the anger, and frustration. But before I could speak he blew up on me.

  He said “Damn, Jasmine is it really like that! I open up my heart to you, and you can’t even accept it! I’ve been trying so hard to get you to let me in, but now I’m beginning to feel like I’m wasting my damn time with you. You will never get over all your bullshit issues with men!”

  He grabbed his coat and keys and began to head towards the door.

  I cut him off and said “Wait, please don’t leave, Quincy! I’m just a little bit surprised by everything that you just said. I’m not really sure what to say right now.”

  He wasn’t trying to hear me so he said “Just get the fuck outta my way, Jasmine!”

  I stayed still in his way and said “Okay, I’m sorry Q, just stop please! You just caught me off guard. I had no idea that you felt that way about me.”

  He looked at me like I was crazy as he said “Jasmine, are you fucking joking? You know how I feel about you. What I feel for you I never once tried to hide. You just keep trying to downplay it!”

  I grabbed him by the hand, but he snatched his hand away. He was definitely pissed off with me. I knew that I had to diffuse this situation quickly.

  I said “I know you’re mad at how I handled the situation, and I am sorry. You’re completely right. I do try to downplay our relationship a little bit to avoid me having to completely give all of myself to you. It really has nothing to do with you it is all. It is very hard trying to take down all of my defensive barriers after years of it being I place. It’s just that sometimes the closer I get to you the more scared I become. I can fe
el myself wanting to pull away trying to save myself from falling in love with you. But there is no denying that you’re an amazing man to me. The truth is, yes, I do love you. You know I have a hard time showing my emotions and feelings. And it’s really nothing against you it’s just something I started doing after my relationship with Trey. I know you and him are two very different men, and I love that you are nothing like him. I’m sorry if I came off as insensitive to your feelings, Q. Can you forgive me please?”

  He just looked at me and I got scared that I had just fucked up big time. I lowered my head trying to hold back my tears. But he pulled my head up, and he kissed my lips.

  He said “It’s okay, baby, I forgive you. I just need you to stop overthinking everything. You overanalyze everything when it comes to me and you. I am not him, Jasmine. I will never hurt you like he did. Just relax baby and let me love you. I promise I got you. I will never do anything to hurt or break your heart, baby.”

  He opened up his arms, and I embraced him immediately as he wrapped his arms around me. I kissed his lips as I said “I love you and I’m so sorry. Please, Quincy, just promise me that you will not hurt me. I cannot take another heartbreak. All I want is to love and be loved.”

  He looked into my eyes as he said “I promise you I will never break your heart. All I want to do is love you.”

  I smiled and said “So with that being said, I would love to take the next step with you. I’m ready for the next step, if you are still willing to have me.”

  He smiled as he said “The offer is still on the table, and nothing would make me happier baby. I would love to wake up every day to your beautiful face.”

  I smiled as I jumped into his arms and he lifted me in the air. I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed his lips. I said “Wow so all of this is really happening, huh?”

  He grinned and said “Yes, it is all happening right now. Are you sure you’re really ready for it?”