Running Away From Love

by Jessica Tamara

  He examined my arm and then he gently grabbed my face examining it as well. Once he saw my bruised face I think he flipped out. He yelled “What the fuck! Jasmine, look at your fucking face! Is he still at your house? We’re about to go over there right now, and he can answer to me about this shit! I’ll be damned if he will get away with putting his hands on you like that!”

  He went back into his apartment trying to find his car keys. So I stood in his doorway so he couldn’t leave out. I didn’t have the energy to deal with this right now. I said calmly “Trey, please just calm down. I’m fine; I swear. He didn’t mean to hurt me.”

  I couldn’t believe that I was making excuses for Q after he slapped me. I should be smacking my damn self for defending his ass. But I knew he just reacted after I hit him. I knew he was not a woman beater. We had an incident where emotions and anger were able to surpass logical thinking on both of our parts.

  He calmed down a little bit after he saw I was somewhat okay, and he invited me to come inside. He said “Come in here, let me put some ice on your face. Hopefully that will stop it from swelling.”

  I accepted his offer and walked inside. The apartment looked the same except he decorated. I looked around and said “Wow this place looks the same.”

  As I sat down on his couch he walked over to me, and sat down next to me and gently placed the icepack onto my face.

  He said “So do you want to talk about what happened? What made you come by here to see me of all people? I thought that you hated me.”

  I said “No matter what may have happened between us I could never hate you. I came here because I guess I felt like you are the only person I really know here. You’re the only one that I trust seeing me like this. If anything I thought you hated me after the way you sped off that night we last talked.”

  He said “I could never hate you either, Jasmine. A lot of things was said that night, and yes a lot of it I did not want to hear. But we both know what to do, and say to piss each other off. You said you wanted your space, and for me to respect the fact that you moved on. So I fell back and gave you that space. That doesn’t mean I wanted to do that shit. I guess I was trying to just deal with the situation accordingly.”

  I smiled slightly as I said “Wow, for once you actually listened to me; I’m shocked. You know how hard headed you usually are.”

  He laughed a little bit before he got serious again and said “Now you know I’m seriously concerned about your so called man putting his hands on you. Why were you two fighting?”

  I sighed before I began to speak. It was such a long story that I didn’t really even care to repeat. So I said “Basically he was in the shower when his phone rang. And some half naked picture of a chick popped up. So I answered it and the girl told me she was sleeping with Q. And that she is pregnant with his child. I asked him about it he denied it all. I mean the evidence was right there in front of my face. I would have been a fool to ignore it. I was trying to leave the apartment, but he stood in my way refusing to let me leave. And you know when I’m pissed off I don’t wanna talk or be bothered. He wouldn’t move so I slapped him in the face. After I did that, he grabbed me, and wouldn’t let me go. So I shook myself loose, and I punched him in the face. I guess it was a reflex after I punched him, and that’s when he hit me. He backhanded me right into the wall. That’s basically everything in a nutshell. I know it’s a fucked up story; you don’t even have to say it, it’s written all over your face, Trey.”

  He took his time before he responded. I could tell that he was thinking about what he was going to say. He broke the silence and said “I don’t know, Jasmine. I can’t really tell you if he is telling you the truth or not. Only he and that girl really know what the truth is. I think you should trust your instincts. But honestly speaking there really is no excuse for him putting his hands on you. A man should be able to control his temper when it comes to his woman. Shit me and you got into plenty of heated arguments, but I would never in my life even think about putting my hands on you. No matter how mad you could make me I would never go that far. I always walked away until we both calmed down. But I’m sure you that know when you’re mad your damn words are like venom. Your little ass can be brutal when you’re pissed off. You gotta think about if now he just slapped you what will happen if ya’ll get into an even bigger fight. And I really don’t want to go to jail for killing this nigga for putting his hands you. You saying to chill now, but he will see me about this shit regardless. I can’t believe how calm you are about this shit right now. You being this calm is making me nervous. Why are you so calm?”

  I really had no idea why I was so calm right now. It just didn’t feel real just yet. Or maybe being around Trey was the calming factor that I needed. But what Trey said did make a lot of sense. I have never seen that side of Quincy before. The look in his eyes when he hit me was so different. It was like he completely blacked out, and nothing but pure anger took control of him. I couldn’t help wondering if there was another side of Q that he never let me see. My father always told me that you never really know a person until you really make them angry. But right now I couldn’t seem to focus on my situation with Quincy. My thoughts were consumed by Trey. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. And as I looked into his eyes finally I saw the Trey that I first fell in love with. This Trey was my protector and my comfort zone. It felt really good to finally see him, and not see my pain when I looked into his eyes. I must have zoned out because I didn’t even hear him calling my name.

  He said “So why are you so calm Jasmine? What are you thinking about? You just zoned out on me for a second.”

  I avoided saying why I was calm as I said “Sorry I was just thinking about what you said. I guess I don’t know what to think, or what I should even do. But I really do appreciate you listening to me. I know it’s probably not easy hearing me talk about my problems with another man.”

  He gave me a comforting smile as he said “Anything for you Jasmine. I will always be here for you.” After he said that we just stared at each other. It was like we both wanted to say so much more, but neither of us could find the right words.

  So I decided to break our awkward silence as I said “Well thank you for listening to me. It really means a lot to me. I guess now I need to figure out what to do next. I have a lot to think about. All I really want to do is run away from it all, and never even look back. It’s always so much easier when I run away, and act like it doesn’t exist. This shit really is a nightmare.”

  I looked down at my watch and I didn’t even realize how long I had stayed there talking to him. So I began to gather my things as I said “I should get out of here. I feel bad that I took up so much of your time. I know that you’re a busy man.”

  He placed his hand on top of mine as he looked at me. He said “I will never be too busy for you. Jasmine, you don’t have to leave. You know that you can stay here for the night; it’s not a problem at all.”

  I said nervously “I can’t stay here, Trey. I don’t think that’s a good idea for the both of us. Especially being in the frame of mind that I’m in right now. I don’t want to further make a mess of things. We finally had a civil conversation; let’s just leave it at that.”

  He came closer to me and my body tensed up immediately he said “I would feel better if you stayed here for the night. I don’t want you out there by yourself after all the shit that just happened. Nothing is going to happen between us if that’s what you’re really scared about. This is me trying to be a friend to you, and wanting you to have a peaceful night that’s all. Plus I know you don’t really want to be alone with your thoughts after everything that has happened. For my sanity’s sake I really just need to know that you’re safe, and I know that you will be safe here with me.”

  I knew that he was being sincere. I didn’t need any more convincing so I said “Okay, Trey. Can I take a shower? I really just want to lie down and try to get some sleep. I have the worst headache right now.” He went into his linen close
t and gave me a towel and washcloth.

  He said “You can have my bed for the night. I will take the couch. And I will leave out one of my t-shirts for you to sleep in.”

  I said “Again thank you for everything, Trey; I really do appreciate it.”

  He flashed me a comforting smile. “Stop thanking me. You know I’m always here for you regardless of anything that may be going on between us. I’m always here baby.”

  As I was in the shower I let the water run all over my body. I just wanted the pressure that had a death grip over my body to go away. I was too damn stressed out. As the hot water trickled all over me thoughts of Trey consumed my mind once again. His face seemed to be implanted into my brain. Being this close to him triggered my feelings all over again. Thoughts of him joining me in the shower quickly crept into my mind. I was yearning for his touch more than anything right now. I wanted to feel his hands roaming and searching every single inch of my body. I could swear I felt his hands touching me, but as I opened my eyes I realized the hands were my own. I was lusting for him in the worse way, and I needed to get it together ASAP. I wrapped myself up in a towel, and I walked towards his bedroom. He was in there making up the bed for me. When he looked at me in the towel he paused for a minute which made me nervous.

  So I said “What’s wrong?” He stopped what he was doing and said “Um, nothing I’m good. It’s all clean so you can lie down, and get some rest. If you need anything I will be out there on the couch.”

  I laughed a little bit because I realized that his seeing me in this towel did something to him. I was shocked that I actually had him nervous. So I said “Thank you again for everything, Trey.”

  As he walked past me he kissed me on the cheek and said “Goodnight, mama.” But before he got a chance to walk away, I grabbed his hand to stop him. I don’t know what made me stop him, but I just felt like I couldn’t let this moment pass me by.

  He looked confused as he had no idea what I was doing. I said “Can I ask you a favor? He nodded his head. So I continued saying “Would you mind just laying here with me. I just want you to hold me just for a little while? I really don’t want to be alone.”

  At first he looked unsure if he wanted to oblige me. But as he looked into my eyes he could see that I needed him. So he opened up his arms, and I fell into them almost instantly.

  As I was in his arms I couldn’t hold back my tears I just cried. Through my tears I said “Why can’t a man just love me? Why does it always have to be some bullshit when everything is going right? I’m so tired. It sucks to think that I could possibly never find one man who is made just for me. I’m beginning to think that it’s meant for me to be alone for the rest of my life. I want a husband, and I want to have children. But it feels like I will never find a man who I can have all of those things with. I just don’t understand what it is that I’m doing wrong. What is wrong with me?”

  After I said all of that I think he knew that I wasn’t just talking about Quincy, but I was talking about my relationship with him as well. I was having an emotional breakdown right in his arms. I couldn’t stop crying so he picked me up off my feet, and cradled me in his arms. As he held me close into his body his heartbeat soothed me.

  He sat down on the bed with me in his arms, and wiped away my tears. He said “Jasmine, stop blaming yourself. Why do you think it’s you? Men are men baby. Sometimes we don’t really know what we have until it’s gone. Look at our situation, for example. I came to realize what I had after we were over. When I finally got myself together it was too late you were already gone. And to this day I regret not coming for you sooner than later. I hope that you know that if no one else loves you, Jasmine. I will always love you. I will never stop loving you. I can honestly say that I’ve learned that you can’t control love, or who you love. You also can’t hide or run away from love either. Some way or another you will always find your way back to the one person that truly lives in your heart. That’s how I feel about me and you. Even after all these years, and all of our ups and downs here we are. I’m right here looking into the eyes of the woman I love. I’ve loved you since I was 16 years old. For me to still feel the same way even after all of these years it has to mean that there is something special between us. I don’t ever seem to lose the love I have for you no matter how hard I try. I just can’t get over you, and I’ve come to realize I don’t want to. I just wish I could have said all of this to you under different circumstances.”

  I lifted my head up off his shoulder and looked into his eyes. I said “The timing is perfect.” I leaned in and I kissed him softly. I couldn’t hold back what I was feeling any longer. So I gave in and did what felt natural and right to me. Trey was second nature to me. I don’t even know why I was even fighting this for as long as I have. I swear as soon as my lips touched his giving in couldn’t have felt any better. I couldn’t pull myself away. Hell, I barely wanted to even come up for air. I could kiss him forever. Now the only thing that is on my mind is making up for all of the lost time. As we kissed he laid me down onto the bed and removed my towel, revealing my body. He analyzed me from head to toe placing kisses all over me, and I damn near lost control every time his lips touched me.

  No words needed to be exchanged between us. Our bodies were speaking what we could never seem to say. We were at a point of no return, so I decided to just let it all go. So I flipped over, and got on top of him. I took off his t-shirt and pulled off his sweatpants. I trailed kisses from his neck down to his navel. As soon as my tongue touched him every other part of his body came alive underneath me.

  “Damn, I missed you so much,” He whispered into my ear. He said everything I wanted and needed. For a long time I wanted to feel like he wanted me, and now that I have it, I couldn’t control the range of emotions that were coming over me. It was making me want him even more. He flipped me back over, and got back on top of me. We were both battling each other for control.

  But he stopped and said “Jasmine, are you sure you really want to do this? I don’t want you to do this just to get back at your man. I want this to happen because you really want it to happen. I’m not looking for this to be revenge sex.”

  The look in his eyes showed me he was truly concerned. I kissed his lips to ease his mind as I said “I want this, and I want you. I’ve always wanted you. So stop talking and give me what you know I want.”

  He smiled at me as he bit down on his bottom lip. He kissed me hard before he said “I never seen you so aggressive before. It’s sexy on you.”

  I placed my finger up to his lips to make him stop talking. The more he talked the more I had the chance to think about what we were doing. I just wanted to live in this moment with him. He took my finger into his mouth and sucked on it gently letting me know he got my point. He kissed me lightly on my neck, and whispered into my ear that he loved me.

  I couldn’t bring myself to say it back. I wanted to say it, but I was too scared to ever say those words to him ever again. I ignored it, but I didn’t know how long I could ignore it. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was going to get it out of me before our night came to an end. He kept on kissing me, and I couldn’t take his teasing me anymore.

  I grabbed for his dick, hell bent on putting it in myself, but he pushed my hands away. He spread my legs and dived in. He licked circles around my clit that sent convulsions all over my body. I tried to squirm out of his grip, but he held onto my hips tightly so that I couldn’t move. I was fighting it even though it felt so damn good. He ate hungrily, and I clawed at the sheets, arching my back and trying to stifle my moans. I came multiple times. As soon as he decided he was finished, I tried my best to control my body from shaking, but I couldn’t pull myself together. I refused to let him get the best of me tonight. He had no idea how much my sex game had matured since he last had me. I flipped him onto his back and kissed him. I could taste myself on his lips.

  He smiled as he said “You see how good you taste?”

  I smiled as trailed my
tongue from his lips down to his navel. I pulled him out of his boxer shorts, and stroked him at a slow and steady pace. I had no problem returning the favor. I liked the control that I had over him. I controlled how much pleasure he was getting. So I slowly took him into my mouth letting the warmth of my mouth cover all of him. I circled my tongue and gently sucked around the head as I continued to stroke him with my hand. His legs tightened up and he closed his eyes when my tongue tasted him. I decided to stop teasing, so I took all of him into my mouth. I was relentless as I sucked and licked, never slowing my pace. He closed his eyes tightly and I felt his body tense up as he was trying to control himself. I didn’t want him to come yet, so I let up. I wanted to feel him more than anything.

  “Are you ready yet?” I asked looking up at him with lust in my eyes.

  He didn’t speak a word, he just obliged me. He got back on top, pinning my arms down onto the bed. I always liked when my men aggressive with me it turned me on. I never yearned to make love like this before. I guess I wanted it a little too bad because I didn’t even care to notice that he didn’t put a condom on. I guess he didn’t care to realize it either. In the heat of the moment, you really don’t use the right side of your brain. And right now, we were both running completely on lust and emotions.

  As soon as I felt him inside me, my whole body and mind felt at ease. I missed the hell out of this man. I couldn’t even begin to explain how it felt. It was more than a physical connection I shared with him. It was mental, physical, and emotional. Any emotion I could possibly feel was present in this moment.

  He kissed my lips as he whispered in my ear, “You feel just the way I remembered.”

  His stroke was steady and soft as he went deeper. It felt like he was trying to slowly ease out any pain in my heart with each stroke.